1+2=love

evolution

2011-11-08T09:24:00.002-08:00

This morning I sat down and read this article about when bloggers disappear. I have thought often about my little blog orphan here, and this article gave me the kick in the pants I needed to come back and check in.

The truth is, over a year ago when the boys turned two, I fell. The load I'd been carrying tumbled out of my grasp, and things simply became bad. I was depressed, angry, and unable to reach out for the things I would normally do to support myself, because I was in financially dire straights. I was embarrassed, and frankly, I felt no ability to account for my days, my choices, or even my thoughts. Ah, depression, my ugly old friend. I tried a few times to give myself prompts and other kinds of inspiration, but this particular story of hope and accomplishment and dreams realized just felt over.

It's funny that my last post was in April... as it turns out, it was the dark before the dawn. I met someone, and we quickly joined our forces together, and the tide of living life, raising kids, and forming a whole new parenting unit - consisting of me, my sister, and now Ted - swept us away. To add to that monumental change, we also had to move house, Max and Shoghi started school, Shoghi's evaluations for sensory processing disorder/ ADHD/ autism continued, Ted moved in with us, and if that all wasn't enough, last month my brother suffered a catastrophic injury to his heart, and after almost three weeks of being by his side in the cardiothoracic ICU, he died. Thirty-four years old. My brother. Dead. It's still unbelievable.

So, there's the catch-up. This whole arc of change simply paralyzed me and swept my voice away.

Now 1+2 as a title doesn't seem right anymore. We've gone from 3 to 5, we have such a huge community of friends, we now live in a co-housing community, and a myriad of other things are different. Finding Ted, and really finding so much of myself before him, propelled me into a new level of clarity about my path - and I am learning that living in integrity with my true wants, talents, and spirit is actually possible. In that spirit, I have started writing a new blog: a certainty of place. Now that I've touched down here again and made peace with the changes that came, maybe I'll come here to write more specifically about parenting, twins, household.... but I think we'll have to just see what comes.

For now, we can meet here and on certainty, and I hope you'll fill me in on your own changes and stories. I'd love to reconnect.

links:

my brother's facebook page, supporting simon

my sister's blog: lifecrafted

a certainty of place

recipe : chinese polenta

2011-04-13T09:36:00.007-07:00

chinese polenta, locally called "midoufu"

When I was living in China in 2000-2002, I had the extraordinary experience of spending quite a lot of time in rural Sichuan. I came to know a bit about farming life in this small and isolated part of the world, and had the priveledge of having my life intertwine for nearly a decade with one family there. This week, a sudden burst of culinary inspiration took hold, and I was compelled to try my hand at one of the farm-style meals we often enjoyed while in the Sichuan countryside. I am by no means an expert in Chinese food, but in my many years living in both Northern and Southwest China, I never saw this dish, featuring polenta made from rice and corn flours, made elsewhere. Who knew that Chinese people even ate polenta?!? I was thrilled to find that I could make it successfully, and so by request, I share this rough recipe here. Let me know how it goes for you! farm-style chinese rice & corn polenta 1/2 c fine cornmeal 1 1/2 c rice flour, plus 1 c extra 1 1/2t sea salt 3 c boiling water* method 1. Bring water to a boil, and set next to stovetop work area. 2. Combine rice flour, corn meal, and salt in a deep skillet or sauce pan. Set heat to medium-high. 3. Add water to combine all ingredients. Mixture will be sticky and the consistency of thick oatmeal. If you add too much water, simply add some more cornmeal or rice flour. Cook, stirring constantly, for about 5 minutes, until well-combined and completely heated through. 4. At this time, and when mixture is thicker and forming a sticky ball, turn onto a wooden cutting board well-floured with rice flour. Divide into 3 or 4 balls, and work each ball with your hands, adding rice flour until you are able to form a log that is no longer sticky, but not dry. You just have to play with it. If it's too sticky, it will be too challenging to cut. turning your polenta into a farm-style meal, or... bring on the bacon Now it's time to try this dish Chinese-style. The simplicity of the flavors will probably come as a surprise, but like farm-style meals in the US, Chinese farm food is utterly simple and delicious. First, fry up some bacon... I'm thinking about a pound. When the bacon is crisp, drain on paper towels, and remove about half of the fat from the skillet, leaving enough to well-coat the bottom of the skillet (maybe 2T?). When the bacon is cool, chop roughly into bite-sized pieces. Next, wash and roughly chop about 1/2 c fresh cilantro (or spinach). Set aside. Then cut the polenta using a piece of string - see the video below. Simply wrap the string around the log of polenta, and pull the two tails, causing the string to slice the polenta. This is the easiest way to cut it and retain the circular shape of each slice. Using a knife will flatten the pieces, and you'll have to clean the knife every couple of slices. Each piece should be about 1/4" thick.

Then, simply fry the polenta in the bacon fat. When the pieces are crispy (about 3-minutes on each side, cooked on medium to medium-high heat), simply toss with the bacon and cilantro. Serve hot and watch it disappear.

chinese polenta with sausage & spinach

Folks around my table don't care for cilantro, so I used spinach instead, and the second time I made this, we used bulk Italian sausage instead of bacon, olive oil seasoned with about 1t salt (added to the hot oil), and included the spinach. I can imagine this dish served Italian-style, with a variety of herb seasoning styles (fresh basil? hello, wonderful!). If you diverge and try it differently, please do share!

*note: I didn't measure the water as I made the polenta. I boiled probably 2.5 or 3 cups and used most of what I boiled.

30 days: hope to do

2010-10-28T11:10:00.004-07:00

5/30 - something you hope to do in your life

It's been on my wish list for a long time, now. I don't know when, or how, but it is a clear and present longing, and I hope it gets fulfilled in the next 5 years:

I would like to live on the beach for two years while the boys are young.

I want a door that opens to the beach, to experience beach-front weather, to watch the tide rise and fall, and hear the waves from my bed. I want to frequent tide pools and make friends with seagulls, to find beach sand in the boys beds and rinse it from their hair. I want to make our own curriculum, follow the rhythm of the days, and I want to write a book about it.

******

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

30 days: forgiveness of others

2010-10-27T11:00:00.001-07:00

4/30. something you have to forgive someone for.

“The holiest of all the spots on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a present love.” A Course in Miracles

I’ve been thinking about forgiveness for over a week now. The dimensions of this practice seem so great – not only can it be an act of self-healing, but it seems like an act of creation, expansion, and allowing. Forgiveness as a force for social change… for building unity versus destruction. It requires a selfless kind of trust, a suppression of the ego, and seems to me the ultimate statement of optimism – a communication of allowing between the forgiver and the Force of creation. It is a statement of equality with others – a recognition that we are all imperfect.

It’s been a powerful mediation just to think about what we offer in service to humanity when we choose forgiveness over resentment. In fact, this meditation has plunged me into the idea of forgiveness so deeply that I wonder at its vastness. Are there hints of wrongs needed to be consciously forgiven that drag on us throughout our lives, blocking us from forward motion? Do I need to be more reflective about resentments I might be unconsciously fostering?

I don’t feel like I hold on to a lot of blaming thoughts. Like everyone, I have been hurt by others in my life; the deepest of those hurts took me years to overcome, and through that path of reflection, sacrifice, and deliberate work, I learned that forgiveness is really only the first step. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean the pain is gone – it doesn’t lessen the impact of the hurt caused by whatever the act happened to be.

I’m sure there are many acts of forgiveness waiting for action within my mind and heart. Forgiveness for insensitivities of others, for assumptions made and expectations levied, forgiveness for misunderstood intents and traffic behavior, forgiveness to our leaders, forgiveness for systems and institutions that direct our lives but were not built on a foundation of justice, forgiveness to our Creator for obstacles and pain seemingly placed in my path. .. the list is long, isn’t it?

‘Abdu’l-Baha counseled people to “see with the eye of forgiveness,” and practitioners of mindfulness practice “Teflon mind.” Rather than out people or situations that need my attention in this post, I’m going to take this day of truth as a lesson to myself. A day that lasts longer than a day, and becomes a practice. I’ll loosen the energetic grip of shallow (and deep) resentments and begin to consciously forgive – I’ll breathe more and swear less, pause and give space before rushing to a judgment. I’ll think of my sons and the forgivenesses I pray they will extend to me, and use that wish as a model for myself.

Come, come, whoever you are

Wonderer,  worshipper, lover of leaving

It doesn’t matter

Ours is not a caravan of  despair

Come, even if you have broken your vow

a thousand times

Come,  yet again, come, come

~Rumi

******

30 days: self forgiveness

2010-10-16T19:52:00.006-07:00

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

2002. Chengdu, Sichuan, China.

2002. Rural Sichuan, China. Rice Harvest.

OK, I'm already struggling with this a bit. I'm not too into public self-recrimination. I was raised to have as one of my core values that we speak directly with our Creator, and so do not offer confession to other people. It does defy some of my blogging, but I think processing is different from confessing.

I guess Day One was so obvious to me - this thing I really find terribly uncomfortable about being myself on a daily basis. I feel largely NOT in control of it. But now... something I have to forgive myself for? It's such a large response, so laden with history, and hopes lost, disappointments and shame. Put this in a blog post?

2006. Rural Sichuan. My father and mother-in-law.

There's something you might not realize when you first get married. In fact, you may never know it with great consciousness unless you find yourself at the end of that marriage; that is, when you marry someone, it is a bond of much more than two individuals. When the marriage ends, there is a great deal more lost than the already hugely significant relationship of those two people.

When D and I met in 2000, we were in his homeland of China. We lived there for two years before coming to the US - and actually, we never intended to stay here for as long as we did. While we were living in China, I grew attached to his parents, his sisters, and especially their children. There are three gorgeous children I met when they were wee things, and I will never see them again. They called me "Niang-Niang" - auntie - they trusted me, and I love them. They are lost to me. D's parents - I'm certain that both he and I ended up being a disappointment to them. Not only for the grandchildren I failed to bear while we were married, but for our weakness - our inability to weather the challenges of life and marriage as a unit.

2002, with my sisters-in-law, my nephew and niece.

2006, with my beautiful niece Ting-ting -
the same critter who is pouting something fierce in the first photo.

Certainly the dissolution of a marriage is not the fault of one person. Our marriage's failure is not something I masterminded. I am sad for mistakes I made, but I am wise enough, and take myself account often enough, to understand that these mistakes were unintentional, and were made trying to do the right thing. Who really cares who's fault it was anyway? But I did fail, and we did lose the family we tried to create, and to that whole family that was once mine... it is for those things that I need to find self-forgiveness. Should I do more to remain a part of these children's lives? I don't feel like I really can.

Thinking about it, though, I'm not sure that it's forgiveness I am needing, as much as time to heal from the loss. Such a sadness. The life I have since created is the one I always wanted, so it's not often I open the grief of what broke along the way.

***

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

30 days: love

2010-10-15T21:36:00.003-07:00

The truth for Day 2 is something you love about yourself.

Maybe it's because I'm, well, OLD, but this one comes easily, too. If there's one thing I love about being me, it's the way my creative mind works. I guess this is probably the same for all of us - there's got to just be something in each of us that drives our individual forms of creativity and registers as pleasurable in our brains. For me, though, that spark is ignited in the form of making.

I've been a maker-of-things since I was little. I remember well begging scraps of polyester from the bolts in my grandparents garage, cutting out circles, and making poodle-style skirts for my dolls. Paper dolls, embroidered pillows, ornaments, weaving... I'd make things for my younger siblings, friends, and parents.

My pursuit of making isn't limited to a single medium - I'm just as happy plunging my hands into wet clay or a vat of paper-making material as I am sewing bits of fabric into a quilt. I work contentedly with xacto blades and silk screen presses. I love the thinking aspect of it - guesswork over measurements, moment-by-moment evolution over planning. It's how I create the tangible, and it's also how I have lived my life.

This style of make-and-do also makes me something of a jack of all trades, which has both up and down sides. It's made it challenging for me to focus on a single discipline professionally, since what I love most about work is the learning. I have been equally engaged as an ESL teacher and a marketing director. In college, I loved my chosen field of international development, but wondered if it wouldn't be better to study psychology, or English, or art.

At this point in my life, I am facing yet another professional rebirth - going back to work after a 3-year absence. I'm nearly 40 and have no defined career. No 401k, no retirement savings... and it seems, now that I have two children, that it's probably time to knuckle down and settle on something.

I have postponed my application to a MA in teaching ESL for over a year - a course of study I could do easily but without much inspiration. Now I have found the program of my dreams, and like my long process of becoming a mother, it has led me to examine not just the what-I-can-do of life, but the what-I-long-to-do. It's a risk, but I'm ready to jump off the cliff once and for all. I am applying for an MFA - it gives my stomach a little tug every time I think it - a Masters of Fine Arts. Daring, isn't it, to say this is the thing that makes me special, and then go pursue it with every last shred of energy and resource we have?

This Friday, I am taking another step in the direction of LIVE WHAT YOU LOVE - I'm meeting with someone from the grad school I am going to attend. In the midst of the tremors of insecurity that are plaguing our daily lives right now, this is my light at the end of the tunnel. Just like the risks involved in pursuing motherhood while I was (am) single, pursuing a career in the creative arts seem daunting, but honestly, it's the only thing that feels right.

30 days: hate

2010-10-15T12:44:00.003-07:00

Since Korin and Miriam are posting on this, I guess I'll jump in, too.... though you all know that "30 days of truth" will more likely be 30 posts separated by days in between...

Day 1: something i hate about myself

It's easy for me to pinpoint the thing I most hate about myself. It's my core point of self-loathing. It's the issue that keeps me up at night, mind spinning, unable to take a deep breath and calm myself. Everything else, I can accept. Things I don't adore about myself, I can overlook, forgive, and sometimes even embrace. But this one... it's stubborn, unyielding, and has a power over me that I have not yet found a way to counter.

It is: procrastination.

If there were a prescription medication for it, a surgery, or some other miracle cure, I would take it. It's a handicap that I am rarely able to overcome.

I can't say much more about it without hurling abuses at myself, so we'll leave it at that.

moments of preciousness

2010-10-14T19:47:00.004-07:00

beautiful boy

this week they've both started descending stairs with no assistance... scary!

looking for sea lions with auntie

toddler interpretations of words in songs? very funny.

when you decide to follow their lead, you really just have to let go...

things i found in my bed

2010-10-13T19:21:00.002-07:00

it's been a while again. i'm just in an insular place, i guess.

but laurie has been blogging every day this month, and much of it about the boys, which is fun. so, in response to her post "things i found in my boot," i thought i'd share this bit:

do you remember that memory game: "i'm going on a picnic, and in my basket, i will bring..." and then the players name items from a to z? the other night, i was lying in bed, reflecting on how this is what my bed is like these days. here's what was in bed with me earlier this week:

two sleeping toddlers (one hot, sweaty head on each of my shoulders)
5 blankets of various sizes
4 pillows, only one of which was in use
a wooden pull toy frog
at least 7 books, including the final harry potter, 10 minutes 'til bedtime, hug, and several other board books
one sock
a baby bottle
and a doll.

and you know what, i wouldn't change a thing.

ok, maybe i'd change it so we get a little more sleep... ;)

music play

2010-10-01T08:15:00.004-07:00

For the last few months, M & S have been very interested in musical instruments. It started with drumming on playskool snare drums at my parents house, and evolved into imagining new instruments out of everyday objects when we returned to Portland. Some of the things that have been turned into various instruments: a small watering can (trumpet), a knife (flute), and a toy lawnmower (? saxophone ?).

One afternoon, Max was dropping into a tantrum, demanding to watch "guitars." The only video we have associated instruments with is a concert DVD, but when I put it on, it was immediately evident that I was wrong (imagine flailing limbs, attempts at biting me, etc). I thought quick on my feet and grabbed some paper they had painted on, cut out an improvised guitar, and struck gold. Soon I had made each of them a guitar, and then cut out a violin, banjo, and colored a keyboard. Genius! They have played with these flimsy toys for 2 weeks already - more than the plastic instruments we already had. They know where to put their hands, know how to "use" a bow, and strum along with their grandpa when he plays his guitar for them on skype.

I love this creative aspect of parenting, and it's really just beginning to open up to me - identifying and pursuing the children's interests. There's so much more fun to come!

recipe : cider & five spice braised pork shoulder

2010-09-28T12:16:00.006-07:00

If you've known me for a while, you'll no doubt remember that one of my favorite things to cook (and eat) is Shanghai Pork Shoulder (recipe here). Well, our household was pretty sad to discover a soy allergy that now prevents us from partaking in this wonderful, bold dish. A few weeks ago, I set out to reinvent the recipe, and I am pleased to tell you that the results are amazing! If you're looking for an Asian-style recipe that is super-easy, bursts with flavor, and works well for both pork and chicken, here's your girl:

Cider & Five Spice Braised Pork Shoulder

Ingredients
4 pound bone-in pork shoulder
2c apple cider
1t Chinese Five-Spice Powder
5 star anise
1/3c oyster sauce
1T salt
1/2c sugar
3 cloves garlic
2 slices fresh garlic

Bring a large stock pot of water to boil, and blanch the pork shoulder for 3-5 minutes - until the outside of the meat is whitened and sealed. Drain and rinse in cold water.

In a medium stock pot, combine all ingredients. Add pork shoulder and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to simmer, turning meat every 30-45 minutes. Cook for 2-3 hours - until meat is completely tender and falling off bone.

Uncover, increase heat to bring liquid to boil, and cook until the sauce reduces to approx 1-2 cups or until sauce caramelizes, basting top of pork with the sauce throughout reduction time.

I find this best served with stick white jasmine rice and lightly steamed vegetables. Use the extra sauce (skim fat after it cools) on scrambled eggs, or to toss with noodles.

I hope you'll let me know if you try it - we used the same recipe this week to make chicken in the crock pot, and it was great. If you have a soy allergy, be sure to read the ingredients on the oyster sauce - some brands do contain soy.

Bon appetit, or as the say in China - gan bei!

ask and you shall receive

2010-09-22T17:33:00.003-07:00

I like to say "yes" as much as I can. There are so many limitations Max and Shoghi encounter all day long, that when they ask for something that's not going to do any harm, I try to give them what they want. So this afternoon, when they asked for ice cream, I decided to oblige.

Here is a very happy Shoghi, with Max in the background, talking with me about it:

the one where she laughs at herself

2010-09-21T21:35:00.007-07:00

Remember yesterday? When I posted that I wanted to take the kid's clothes week challenge?

Yeah.

Um...

That didn't work out so well. I pretty much sleep-walked through the day, keeping up with the boys, who were also over tired from being up last night. It was also my second night in a row of getting less than 4 hours of sleep. So, the sewing machine didn't make it out today.

However, I will say that I have a plan, and I will also say that maybe I can just celebrate Day 1 with the gift of handmade clothes for my children - because they have brand new pajamas made by their great-grandma.

shoghi-wan kenobi

I think that counts, right?

gaining clarity

2010-09-21T07:12:00.006-07:00

illustration by Jen Lemen, Mondo Beyondo

Have you ever felt like there was a time when you really struggled to do something, and it was failing miserably for no apparent reason? Who hasn't, right?

For the past 3 weeks, I have been on a relentless search for a new babysitter, and in that time, my life (our life) has devolved into complete and utter chaos as my need for a nanny has gone on unfulfilled.

At first, my preference was to find a day care center, but it became clear after about, oh, thirty phone calls that this wasn't going to happen. With long waiting lists and minimum age requirements of 2.5 for centers I felt good about, there just was just not any availability. I was surprised to learn how many daycares use television - up to two hours a day. Definitely not cool with me.

So, I changed my search to looking for a nanny. I wrote to friends, talked with former babysitters (who are fortunately now our dear friends), and put the word out into our community. I wrote an ad and posted it on craigslist and on urbanmamas. I emailed about 50 people, heard back from about 15. I interviewed. I called. They rescheduled. It just hasn't been working.

Last night, in the long, long hours when I couldn't sleep, I wondered about this, and realized it's something I've experienced before - I try and try and try for something I feel I need and want, and just end up pouring energy and emotion into one dead end after another.

So I thought to myself:

OK, what if the thing you are saying you want is at odds with what your heart really wants? What is it, if not a simple babysitter, that our family needs? It's time to really pay attention to your heart, rather than your head.

To be honest, I don't have a choice about needing childcare, so the question isn't "do you really want to find childcare for your kids."

I guess the thing I realized last night is that what our family needs isn't a nanny. While the primary job description may read "take care of twin toddlers for 25 hours a week," what our family needs is more like a doula, a grandma, a loving figure who cares about the themes we are playing out, who cares to take the time to be objective about what the present needs are. This may sound burdensome and too large of a job description, but I have friends who are like this who work under the "nanny" job title. We as a family are being birthed into a new phase of our life together - a new phase that will land me either employed outside the home or back to grad school (please, let it be the latter!), will transform Laurie's time and open the space for her to direct energy back into her career as an illustrator, and finally, this change will impact how my sons are socialized, the day-to-day experiences they will have, and the amount of time they spend away from their parents.

In the ad I originally placed online, I wrote that we needed an "adventurous nanny," when in fact, we simply need a nurturer.

I feel a calmness now; I have identified the dissonance that might have been blocking us from finding that person who no doubt would love to nurture our family in this way. Because really, in the end, that's what I believe family is about, and it's the role I believe can be so powerful as a care giver - someone to love us for who we are, where we are, and someone for us to love back.

stitchin' for minhas criancas

2010-09-21T02:08:00.003-07:00

So, today kicked off elsie marley's kid's clothes week challenge which of course I forgot about. One hour a day, making clothes for the boys? Sounds good to me. I can't wait to begin!

Instead, I'm sitting up with that dreadful combination of insomnia with a side of nighttime wakings. I dosed myself up with some warm milk and a xanax about a half hour ago, so back upstairs I go now. Looks like another 3 hour sleep night for mama. This month has completely kicked my ass in the sleep department, with my average being 4.5 hours.

little convos

2010-09-20T19:28:00.004-07:00

Months ago, we were listening to Max chit chat with his toy animals - he especially liked "ssshhhh, sweepy-time." Now Shoghi is starting little conversations with his toys, and man, it's just re-melting my heart. I really am loving this age - so much is opening up in their little brains!

{this moment}

2010-09-10T20:07:00.002-07:00

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see here or at soulemama.

happenings

2010-09-09T19:57:00.004-07:00

another set of crazy weeks, complete with household economic disaster, sick children and adults, lack of babysitters, and encounters with state agencies i never imagined as a part of my life. oh, and my camera is malfunctioning again, or it might just be the batteries are not charging properly... whatever the case, i haven't had the energy to get to the bottom of it. funny, but without a camera, it's harder to stop on by this old spot.

the boys are changing before my very eyes. even more than when they were tiny babies, now they are two (seriously, how did this happen?!?), and they are just exploding with change. i can assume that pretty soon they will be talking in ways i find more comprehensible, and we will only have as memories words like "baba-zur-zur" (bulldozer), "mo-cicle" (popcicle), and "beeping" (sleeping). they string together these amazing little sentences now: "i climbed up seat!" "i see a red motorcycle!" "no car. go a playground now." and i sense their babyhood falling away.

that's not to say i don't celebrate and relish their changes - i feel like i could dive into each one of them and float in my joy at their little personal triumphs. "i did it myself!" is a new favorite sentence this week, and i have to say, i feel their sense of accomplishment and feel wells of adoration. these little people learn and experience so much in such a precious short time! shoghi suddenly holds his fork, spoon, pens and paintbrush "properly," while max did pee-pee in a potty for the first time... shoghi has had such a fast leap in language skills since july - he's gone from single words all the way to 5 and 6 word sentences, while max has mastered the art of marching, jumping off furniture, and sings along with his favorite (barney, blech!) songs... it's really so incredible that suddenly our home is filled with this child energy.

but still... really for the first time, i have the sense of this major first chapter in their lives coming to a close. the baby years... i can barely type it... they are coming to an end. it's likely that they are going to be my only children, and while i am so happy and content (and overwhelmed, and stressed out) to have both of them, there is a little twinge of sadness along with it that i won't have the opportunity to have babies anymore.

let's be real, too... i think part of it is something that you might only understand if you have multiples, or if you are very close to someone who does... i think part of it is that there really is a loss as a mother/child unit, that i didn't get to have that quiet moment of time with each of my sons as babies. that time when there is just the one baby to focus on, even if there are other siblings already in the family. there's quite a shift that has to happen when mothering twins (or more) - your intentions for how you will attend to your child have to yield to the reality of caring for two children of the same age. there is definitely loss there for me. things i wish i had been able to do differently for each of my boys.

and while i'm talking about leaving these baby years, let me also say that suddenly i am also thinking - or at least feeling (because really, when do i have time to actually think these days) - the strange gulf that occurred for me (and for each of them?) during those long four weeks they spent in the NICU. it's still so hard for me to accept that this hospital was not set up to allow parents to stay there 24 hours a day... the fact that my fragile little babies were there without me - without anyone except the NICU staff - for hours each day.... ugh, i get a pit in my stomach just thinking about it. it's one thing that i actually do have regret about - that i wasn't there for all of it. that i didn't somehow find a way to be with them every moment of their first breaths, their cries, their certain bewilderment at how it felt to be removed from the warmth of my womb and placed on those hard beds, with masks on, air on their exposed skin, the billi-lights... ugh. it's horrible, and i desperately wish i had done differently, even though i did the best i could do at the time...

so anyway, here we are. summer is falling away into blessed autumn. the rains are returning, and the air is cooler. my life is about to change as i find a job, as the boys transition into 20 or more hours a week of day care. and my babies... my strong, fast, persistent, funny, cheeky, introspective, determined, lovely boys are stepping into themselves.

{this moment}

2010-08-20T20:31:00.007-07:00

showing up

2010-08-19T19:51:00.004-07:00

more silence from celeste. two crazy busy weeks, with literally every moment occupied with more than one task as the demands of crafting for the farmer's market, stumbling over piles of things-in-progress, running after my sons, playing, shopping, cooking, discussing parenting challenges with my sister, fighting the recently constant tide of depression, worrying about money, wondering what to do next.

i never want to write these things here. many blogs i love are all about beauty, about finding the beauty in the moment, usually hiding the recent chaos, the piles of laundry, the dirty dishes. the writing is excellent, the photos polished, gorgeously framed, glowing with light and passion and love. i'd love to come here with daily writing about my amazing boys, about successes in mothering, growth as an artisan, discovery in homemaking and leave out how daunted i am, how overwhelmed and lost in this land of single and unemployed twin parenting.

so it turns out that the heavy task of shaping my current surroundings into something exclusively happy and shiny, or just having the brain power to sit quietly and suss out the beauty of my days, this prevents me from writing at all. i don't keep a paper journal. and because i'm afraid to be judged for my faults, afraid to frame myself in negativity (which is also not true or complete by any means), i stop writing. i stop communicating with myself save some brief quiet moments when i first lie down on my bed at night, those moments before my dark whispering ego selves start their insistent conversations and keep me up in the late hours of the night.

so what do i do? i guess i'm going to just try to write it down. i hope if you decide to keep reading that you'll read my words with a wider lens, knowing that if i'm talking about lack of this or that, or a particular parenting test, or what have you, that it's only here because i'm trying to figure it out. have to write it down. want to remember these dominant lessons, the ones that are thorny and sting, along side the ones that unfold easily in luscious colors and textures.

because that's really how life is, isn't it?

i've been feeling for quite some time that i'm in a very "live and let live" phase of my life. so i'm going to exercise the same expansive allowance for myself to just show up and celebrate the mess along with the beautiful.

carve

2010-08-04T13:54:00.007-07:00

We've been back in Oregon for over a week now, and that week was such a gift. My mom came back with us, giving me a whole lot of time to clean, find buried paperwork, move rooms around (Shoghi, Max, and I are all back to sharing one room), and work on new items for my next farmer's market appearance on 8/15.

Back in the spring, I discovered a new creative hobby - hand carving stamps for printing. I did three of them, beets, a pomegranate, and a pear.

one of my three original carvings - pear

After that initial burst of inspiration, my tools sat idle, despite the fact that I toted them around, even taking them with me to Massachusetts.

While Mom was here, though, I had some time alone (in a cafe while a flat tire was being repaired), and found my hands immediately knew just what to do. I made three new designs, just like that, and I am so pleased with them!

I got right to work printing, then redesigned my card backs and created new textile prints.

i found a zigzag stitch font to use on my card backs - love it!
i'm going to use this branding now "hand crafted" for everything i make - this is the umbrella brand under which 70s home and bamboo village press will fall.

i printed the apple and strawberry on fabric, then turned them into iron-ons for these infant/toddler shirts. i'll be carrying the patches, too, so folks can make their own.

strawberry!

i just finished this zucchini - i haven't printed it except this test print.

A boundless thanks to my mom (and my dad, who spent the week missing her). Now that I have some new images to work with, my booth is going to be all the better! The next 10 days are going to be filled with time at the sewing machine, working on produce bags, since I am all out!

this moment

2010-07-23T17:32:00.000-07:00

Wishing everyone a lovely weekend!

sick

2010-07-20T17:31:00.005-07:00

Toddlers. They sure do get sick a lot. Max fell prey to the latest round of ick over the weekend, postponing our plans to travel to see my grandma and aunties, significantly decreasing our sleep, and making life miserable. Oh, that boy - he bears his fangs when he's not feeling well. The temper tantrums have been epic, and the attempts to bite his brother in dismay and frustration endless. I'm glad to have just read this article about temper tantrums - it's been good to know that after a couple of attempts at solving his frustrations, I can just hold open the space for him to freak out.

Holding space is about all we've been doing since my brother left on Saturday and sister left Sunday. Taking things slow, while still trying to keep things moving for the boys so they don't have to fend each other off all day. It's not that they fight... in fact, I wouldn't say they ever really fight. It's just that sometimes it's like they're magnets with opposite sides trying to connect - they just need space from each other periodically throughout the day, and really, who doesn't? They are so intense at this age, so driven by impulse, so involved in learning and concentrating, social discovery and attempt at connection through language. Not only do they have to figure out how to deal with the grown-ups in their lives, they have to face their twin who is going through the exact same developmental process. It's exhausting for us all, and they're so small and vulnerable - I definitely feel that it is my job to give them a buffer, whether it be planned outings, time spent 1:1 with their grandparents, time in the back carrier, or quick-moving changes in activity.

Anyway, I'm waiting, waiting for Max to be well again. The terrible coughing, the fever, the crying at the obvious pain of the coughs.... it's just so unbearable. I want my stomp-dancing, silly-talking, tickle-loving boy back!

sandwich marina playground

2010-07-17T16:15:00.007-07:00

If there's one thing I know about being a mom of twin toddlers, it's that you have to keep busy, even on vacation. My imaginings of our trip home being chock full of restful hours were pure folly. Every morning, we know we need to pack up and get out of the house by 8/8:30, or face a morning of whining, biting, and general unhappiness for all. Our day starts early (a ghastly 5:30am since we got here), so nap time starts at 11/11:30. By 2:30, we're ready to head out again, and rediscovering the gorgeous beach on Wakeby Lake in the woods of the Mashpee Holly Reservation, we usually head there for a swim in the afternoons. Mornings, then, have been reserved for playgrounds and errands.

We decided to take a drive to Sandwich on Friday for some good morning fun with Uncle Simon, and thought we'd take the boys to the Cape Cod Canal to check out some boats. Instead, we took a wrong turn and ended up at the Sandwich Marina, where we had some surprise delightful fun at their beautiful nautical-themed playground. If you're looking for a quiet spot to play, Cape Cod views, and a playground that is fun for all ages, you should check this place out.

I found this to be an especially good place for toddlers, since there were so many options for play, exploration, heights, and level of daring. There are attractions for older kids, too, with a working periscope in the big climbing apparatus. It's also fenced and right by the water, so there was a nice breeze. I imagine it gets busier (and hotter) as the day draws on, but at 9am, it was perfect.

{this moment}

2010-07-16T15:37:00.003-07:00

playground happiness

2010-07-12T17:04:00.009-07:00

I can't help it - there were just too many good pictures from yesterday's two playground excursions to share only one. I can't get over how big my boys are getting, and then again, there are moments when I look at their miniature bodies and awe at their small fragility. This age of discovery is so miraculous (and exhausting)! We went morning and evening to Mashpee Heritage Park yesterday, and enjoyed ourselves thoroughly on the Tiger Long Memorial Playground, named for a boy I grew up with and who was killed serving (I believe) in Iraq in the 90s.

max "kwimin' teps"

* * *

* * *

traveling velcro board

2010-07-11T19:01:00.006-07:00

I mentioned the other day that I made several things for the boys to play with on our cross-country flight. One of the goodies in my stash was a box that I covered with velcro strips inside and out, inspired by this post on Chasing Cheerios. Since we were traveling, and I had no wooden boards on-hand, I thought a little box would be a good stand-in, and would hold the toys with the opposite strip to boot.

I tried to find objects that were both familiar and novel to the boys, so I included things like their favorite chicken figure, a smooth beach stone, a wooden Buddha, a pom-pom, a sequin flower, and several other objects.

The "game" is a nice quiet activity for single play. Because the box is light and a little big for the boys laps, it is a little hard for them to pull the toys off the velcro. I think when I make it again, I would make it on a mat, with a big, rectangular piece of velcro for them to stick the objects to. I'd like to sew straps onto a mat so it could be secured to a variety of surfaces, like the airline seat tray, high chair tray, back of a seat in the car, etc. It's cool to see them stick something vertically, so that it unexpectedly doesn't fall off... so I might add another square and mount it on the wall. Perhaps it would even be fun to mount several squares next to each other, one velcro, one magnetic, one cork or something like that.

Today Shoghi brought out the box again and played with much more attention than on the plane. It's so much fun to see these little ones concentrate and try to figure out something new, and an extra pleasure to see something I made in their hands!

on the cutting board

2010-07-11T13:21:00.004-07:00

Took a few moments today while the boys were napping to unpack, iron and cut some new fabrics for produce and bulk food shopping bags. I nearly sold out at my last appearance at our neighborhood farmer's market, so I'd better get busy! I'm loving the green and black ticking fabric I got just before flying to MA - it's such a classic household look, plus it's woven fabric rather than printed, which I feel is a bonus. I'm really enjoying woven cottons these days, for their warp-and-weft feeling, their kitchen handiness, and simple beauty.

dum ditty dum

2010-07-10T16:48:00.002-07:00

An unexpected new favorite pastime since arriving at Memmae and Popi's house is drumming. Memmae got a little tykes snare drum for them last summer, and just found a second one before we arrived. A few days ago, my dad put on a DVD of a Paul Simon tribute concert, and Max especially was awe-struck. He sat for the entire thing, completely mesmerized. Then they brought out the drums, and now it's what they ask for all day long! "Drum?" "Drum sisik? (drum music)" They smile so much, and have so much fun playing their little drums. I'm thinking a natural drumming "class" might be fun for the fall!!

vacation land

2010-07-09T08:32:00.004-07:00

a dip in wakeby lake, mashpee

Well, since Auntie Laurie just posted a little about our travel to MA, I figure I should follow suit and check in a little bit! Here's her post.

First, the flight... I still have to take photos, but I did quite a bit of handmade prep for the trip: a drawstring backpack for each boy, containing a bunch of new playthings. We also brought the portable DVD player. They seemed to play with everything, but nothing held their attention for long, and by halfway through the flight, we'd gone through everything multiple times, and the only way we survived the rest was by walking the aisles, watching movies, and practicing patience, as neither of the toddlers napped. It was a long flight.

bedraggled by the last hour of flying...

Since we got here, we've been making daily trips to the lake, discovering the trove of toys Memmae brought home from her preschool and found at yard sales, and generally enjoying the admiring presence of the grandparents.

an attempt to beat the scorching, humid heat with a walk in the woods with memmae turned into a spontaneous skinny dip in the lake for the children, and rolled up pant legs for the grown-ups...

There's nothing quite like family and friends who really love your children to get you to tune in extra carefully to just how awesome your offspring are.

grandfather and grandson

the question of drugs for flying

2010-07-01T19:43:00.004-07:00

oh, my boys and their sweet, sweet ways.

Today I did a trial run of giving the boys benadryl for naptime. I know, so lame, right? But I had to know what would happen, and the doctor actually has me giving to S for allergies anyway. Well, it is NOT something I will use for travel, because even after sleeping, they were both in horrendous moods for the whole afternoon, especially Max. Poor guys. That drugged feeling is no good.

I think the flight is going to be great, actually. I am looking forward to their curiosity, and think it's going to be a pretty fun day. I'm working on a bunch of exciting new things to give them on the plane.

berry fever

2010-06-30T14:20:00.004-07:00

Just spontaneously yesterday morning, I packed us up and drove out to Sauvie Island Farm, the place we picked marion berries last summer. I was surprised and delighted that both boys occupied themselves: Max headed straight for the raspberry canes, and Shoghi played in the wagon the whole time. We three had a lot of fun, and I picked 14 pounds of berries! I also got one of those wonderful confidence boosters, having a successful outing alone with my sons that didn't involve restraining them in one way or another.

Success!

market day

2010-06-27T19:05:00.004-07:00

Today was my second time at the Farmer's Market here in our neighborhood (I know, right? Neighborhood farmer's market? AWESOME.). It was another gorgeous day, and while it was a really long day, it was fun, and much more successful than my first time. I actually sold most of my cotton produce and bulk food bags! I also had Laurie's cards, which people are just gaga over, and it's always more fun to talk up my sister than myself.

I will say, though, for many reasons, it was a very grueling day. Shoghi's got something going on... teeth, or allergies, or maybe bronchitis... he just isn't giving me a clear read on it except that he's going on 4 days of being overtired. He's had 3 nights of terrible and long night wakings, doing his typical loud wailing crying, pushing me, and back arching for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night. Today he also displayed this behavior for the first time during the day. It's really hard to know how to respond to this very physical communication that I don't understand. I hope the cycle has already broken, and that tonight he will sleep well. I really need more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I need to not be wrestling my 30-pound toddler in the middle of the night.

But now that this farmer's market is done, I can finally (please, children) do some major and desperately needed cleaning around here, and get the house ready for our departure next weekend. I'm bringing my work with me, in more ways than one. I hope to work on more produce bags for our next four market dates, as well as re-write my resume, finish my grad school application, and generally (hopefully) gain some clarity about what the hell I'm doing with my life in the three weeks we're with my parents. Tall (and probably unrealistic) order. I am so, so ready to have this break.

request

2010-06-26T22:21:00.002-07:00

Dear Tomorrow,

Please be kind to me. I have worked so hard, and with such loving support to get here, and I really need your merciful favors.

With gratitude,
Celeste

better than ice cream

2010-06-25T21:50:00.003-07:00

loving sunshine here in the good state of oregon this week.

very challenged by my own recent insomnia compounded by long, emotional night wakings of both boys (more teeth for s? or is it allergies? poor boy's lower lids are just raw.)

enjoying watching the boys with our growing garden, learning how real food grows, hearing them say "pick it" and "eat mint" and "bessies" (berries). hearing the crunch as then eat fresh snap peas, still warm from the sun.

cannot wait to step onto that plane headed for boston on 7/4 and leave some of it behind for a few weeks.

can. not. wait.

dry run

2010-06-24T11:33:00.004-07:00

If there was a picture-of-the-day for today, it would be of me and the boys, taken this morning at the airport. We went there for a dry run, to introduce them to the airport and show them some planes before our trip on 7/4. It was actually quite fun - they loved walking on the moving walkways and escalator, and looked out the big windows at the planes outside. It was a great outing for $3.

But the picture would capture one of the moments there - it would show me, sitting on the floor just in front of the security gates, laughing and sweating, holding one trying-to-run-away toddler down with my leg while I struggled to get the other one, kicking, crying and arching his back, into the Ergo on my back.

Guess what I learned from this practice? You guessed it: toddlers must remain in stroller until we have reached the gate. Whew! We drew quite some amused glances (and a couple of helping hands).

:)

solstice

2010-06-23T21:29:00.005-07:00

a late afternoon nap on mama's back

Sometimes we get so caught up in the largeness, the constant pull to now-ness, of these children, that we forget just how small they are.

a trip to Laurelhurst Park involved much tree touching and looking up, up, up.

On Monday, we took our annual trip to the beach for Laurie's birthday. It also happened to be Solstice. We were blessed with a mostly rain-free day, and the boys got to re-discover the sand, the surf, the waves. Having grown up in the salty air of Cape Cod, returns to the coastal waters are refreshing for my very soul. It was a good day.

Nevertheless, I am willing...

2010-06-17T11:14:00.006-07:00

I dare to believe I am headed in the right direction.

I dare to believe our family life meets all of our needs.

I dare to believe I will meet my soul mate after all.

I dare to believe that being twins is the perfect thing for my sons, and that it will (and does) bring them happiness.

I dare to believe that I will be able to visit my East Coast family 2-3 times a year from now on.

I dare to believe I will find a career that truly channels my talents and my joy.

I dare to believe I can do this, and do it with excellence.

I dare to believe that I am a happy person.

I dare to believe that I will be loved for who I am, rather than for who you wish I would be.

Mondo Beyondo exercise, taken from my amazing friends Miriam and Korin. What do you dare?

tiptoeing back

2010-06-16T21:25:00.004-07:00

I'm out of the swing of posting again, and my camera... oh, my camera. It's still not working. I'm relying totally on swiping photos from Laurie.

my garden prayer flags, hanging up at the farmer's market

Well, Farmer's Market weekend went well, but sheesh, everything is in a shambles as a result of the time I put into getting ready! I stumbled downstairs yesterday and looked around, and literally every square foot of this place is a disaster. I started in one spot while the boys napped, and didn't get much farther than that. At least it's a beginning.

This morning, today looked to be shaping up into a nightmare, but I have to say, it was a really nice day for me and the boys. After 3 agonizing hours of sibling rivalry, I loaded us up and we went to Old Wives' Tales for breakfast. It was almost totally empty. The boys played joyfully together in their awesome play room, and stood on the wooden sailboats to look out the window at the construction equipment with deep interest. We played together, ate a gorgeous meal, and headed home for naps.

In the late afternoon, Korin and I took all the kids to OMSI, where I let the boys run around the discovery room. They had a blast, and I got to practice letting out my tether on them as they ran from one activity area to another while I tried to keep both of them in my lines of sight. They had a blast, we got to pick up Laurie after work, and we all came home and had an easy dinner and bedtime.

More on the market experience soon - I don't want to forget about it before my next booth date - 6/27.

no idle hands here

2010-06-08T22:04:00.006-07:00

Just thought I'd pop in to say I probably won't be writing until Sunday. First, my camera's batteries are dead. Second, every spare moment is going into preparing for this Sunday's opening day at Montavilla Farmer's Market, where I will be one of the two artisans sharing a booth. I'm really excited and nervous. I've invested a LOT of time and goodly amounts of the money I have left into getting ready. I'll be there three times this summer, and I hope my items are well-received.

I've got some cloth produce bags made and something new, as well, these lovely garden prayer flags I made for our own garden last week. I've got 4 done, and I hope to have 10. I have SO MUCH to do before Sunday morning... and only 6 more babysitter hours in which to get it all done. Of course I'll have other farmer's market-themed cards and journals, and my printed things from Bamboo Village Press, but my focus has been on making these cloth items.

nourish

Wish me luck!

all summer in a day

2010-06-06T20:12:00.004-07:00

All this rain. Day after day. A break, a brief break, and then... more rain.

OK, I know. We in the PNW should be prepared for this. All the green, all the gorgeous moss that hangs from these grand Ponderosa pine trees... it wouldn't be here but for the rain.

If I didn't have kids, I probably wouldn't care. I'd curl up with a nice book and a warm cuppa and enjoy the humid, saturated air. But with kids? With two toddlers??? It's insane. Crazy. Impossible to tolerate.

Yesterday we had a day of sunshine, and I couldn't help but be transported back to my junior high days, when we read All Summer in a Day. Did you read it, too? Or see the film? The children pouring out of the barracks, soaking up the sun for the one day it would shine in their, what, lifetime? It has felt like that this spring.

Although, I will say, I am proud to send my boys out in their rain pants and raincoats to romp in our backyard jungle even when it is raining.

the day after the sun...

blossoms blooming and melting...

Shoghi, as the rain suddenly falls:

simplify

2010-06-04T21:46:00.002-07:00

Laurie and I were talking tonight about the house, about our feelings of it being so cluttered and chaotic. I think I might just take a bunch more toys out of circulation. It seems like they really engage with their playthings for such a brief time, and then they just become things to throw.

Just now, I was on mdc, and felt disproportionately relieved to find a thread in the "parenting multiples" area where everyone was talking about how they felt keeping the house clean was an impossible task.

Let's see how it goes - I'd like to spend the next few days just slowly paring down the available things for all of us in our common areas. A neat, open space would be a huge relief.

Do you have any secrets of keeping things tidy with young children around? I would LOVE to hear them.

ridiculously tired

2010-06-03T20:53:00.004-07:00

learning to share is a big developmental process the boys are in right now
sometimes it goes smoothly, as it was this morning
when m was giving crackers to s

things to remember about today....

you may think that by the time your twins are 22 months old (gasp!), you can safely take cold medicine at night, but you should really not give in to the desire for deep and dreamless sleep. it will only kick you in the ass when they wake up at 5:30am.

i can't wait for the time when they have the ability to do a single activity for more than 7 minutes. i thought giving them a bath this afternoon would kill a good half hour. shoghi had to be taken out of the tub 7 minutes later, because he was too thoroughly enjoying the game of banging the glass shower doors. argh! i now realize that the maximum time both of them are in the tub is about 10 minutes.

the boys both like the song "michel finnegan" right now - it's the first song shoghi reliably dances to! funny!

these are the backings on some prayer flags i made today for our garden

this week last year

2010-06-02T21:30:00.001-07:00

m and s
photo by Laurie

I was wondering last night what was on my mind a year ago, and serendipitously came across this letter to the boys I wrote a year ago today. It reflects thoughts I still have about my sons, about my life. In the past couple of months, I have thought a lot about my long journey of healing from childhood trauma, beginnings of marriage, the drive to become a mother, and the dissolution of marriage (etc etc)... and how amazing it is that now I can have moments of wonder and peace about my long years of separation, search and longing for the thing I desired most.

I am reminded of this Sufi tale, recorded in the little book The Seven Valleys and The Four Valleys. It is about the importance of the act of the search for our heart's desire, and while in this context it is finding God, my heart's desire was always to be a mother. I think my children are key to my own spiritual journey in life, and they have always been in that timeless way of the soul.

The Valley of Search
The steed of this Valley is patience; without patience the wayfarer on this journey will reach nowhere and attain no goal. Nor should he ever be downhearted; if he strive for a hundred thousand years and yet fail to behold the beauty of the Friend, he should not falter.... No bond shall hold them back, and no counsel shall deter them.
It is incumbent on these servants that they cleanse the heart—which is the wellspring of divine treasures—from every marking, and that they turn away from imitation, which is following the traces of their forefathers and sires, and shut the door of friendliness and enmity upon all the people of the earth.
One must judge of search by the standard of the Majnún of Love. It is related that one day they came upon Majnún sifting the dust, and his tears flowing down. They said, "What doest thou?" He said, "I seek for Laylí." They cried, "Alas for thee! Laylí is of pure spirit, and thou seekest her in the dust!" He said, "I seek her everywhere; haply somewhere I shall find her."
Yea, although to the wise it be shameful to seek the Lord of Lords in the dust, yet this betokeneth intense ardor in searching. "Whoso seeketh out a thing with zeal shall find it."

success and challenge

2010-06-01T21:46:00.004-07:00

Laurie has been using the idea of documenting the day's successes and challenges in her daily posts, and tonight I'm extra tired and have a cold, so I'm just going to steal the premise from her.

Today's success for me was focusing on a single task during my babysitter time. I printed a bunch of burlap labels for new baguette bags and other sewing projects I'm working on for the farmer's market. This was made easier by setting everything up for myself yesterday. Tonight while we watched This Emotional Life, I started the hours of ironing that lie ahead of me. I don't usually have the capacity to work at night, but maybe it was fueled by another success:

an easy bedtime. Korin reminded me to give the boys some homeopathic chamomila before bed, and I don't know if that's what did it, but it was a deliciously easy, and happy, sleepytime for the boys.

My greatest challenge today was probably that I just couldn't think of anything novel to do with the boys this afternoon. They both had unusually short naps, so they were tearful, clingy and grouchy, and having something interesting on-hand would have been good. Instead, we ended up just going on a long walk in the light rain, which was just fine for all of us.

It would have been nice to have kids when I was in my 20s - my creative energy was so powerful back then, and I know I would have had all sorts of homemade games at the ready. It's not like I didn't try, though, so we'll all just have to deal with me being a tired old mum! ;)

And today's photo:
This morning a friend asked some of us to send her our birth photos. Looking back through that visual record of the boys birth was full of emotion. This photo made me remember the moment, probably a half an hour after they were born, when I was finally out of recovery and allowed into the resuscitation room next to the OR. I asked the nurse:

Can I touch him?

It stirs a well of sadness that I didn't get to even touch my boys until that moment, and that it took hours after that for me to be able to hold them. I don't think about this often, nor do I really feel traumatized by our birth and NICU experience, but remembering the barriers of separation between me and my babies really is very sad for all three of us.

I wonder if I will have the opportunity to give birth to another child, and whether we will have that skin-to-skin moment of birth and those lingering hours of mama-baby connection afterward.

stomp it out

2010-05-31T18:53:00.002-07:00

Unrelated to photo:

Doing Max's bedtime in my bed turned out to be a not-so-very-good idea, but getting him to go to sleep in his crib again is proving to be quite difficult for us all.

just one thing

2010-05-30T10:33:00.004-07:00

as adults, there are many things we need to accomplish on any given day. as parents, that list increases exponentially, and as working-from-home parents, the number of things-to-do seems endlessly growing. because everything is at home, you never get a break like you do when leaving things at an office. when you are trying to stay afloat in this scenario and are living with Depression, it's a whole lot harder.

my own energy for concentrated attention in the few free moments i get during the day is very limited. it's like you're standing in the middle of a hurricane of noise, activity, and emotional need (produced by two toddlers), and all of a sudden everything stops and you expect yourself to get right to work. the house is in a shamble, and there are a hundred uncompleted tasks piled up everywhere, and your mind and body are still humming with movement. since i started working at home in the winter, the amount of visual, mental, and physical clutter has mounted and now has finally overwhelmed me. the boys seem to be echoing the lack of calm back to me, as in the past several days there has been a huge upswing in toy-throwing. i have taken to eliminating the toys one-by-one from our play space as they are tossed around.

this has all resulted in a decision. for the next month, i am going to drastically simplify things around here. even though it feels like a huge responsibility i am failing to uphold, i am going to put the cloth diapers away for one month. washing has become something for me to avoid, and has led to a lot of stress for me.

rather than telling myself that today i will (for example) be present for the boys, reply to emails, bake, sew, do wash, hang clothes on the line, screen print, and package and mail orders from my shops, i will force myself to do just one of the non-parenting things on my list. it's actually incredibly hard for me to work in this way - i'm much more of an impulsive do-er. i am going to have to do a major cleaning and somehow box and organize all of my in-progress projects. i have to be ready with everything i need for my artisan booth at opening day of our farmer's market on 6/13, and i actually feel fearful that by putting things away, i won't get anything done at all.

the reality is, though, that i am already in way over my head and feeling ineffective at accomplishing my tasks.

we'll see how it goes. please send your prayers and helpful energies my way - i really need some calm and support!

five

2010-05-29T20:09:00.003-07:00

five things about today

1 - i cut shoghi's hair.
in the end it came out ok, but wow, it was really challenging and required one lollipop and two popsicles per kid.

before

after

2 - bedtime usually takes 30 minutes. tonight, it took two hours,
probably because of all that sugar.

3 - we finally, blessedly, had a day without rain:

shoghi and ruby, hangin' like big kids

4 - we took our inaugural walk in the new wagon our friend passed on to us:

5 - i really wish i had a pint of ice cream to devour right now.

bedtime

2010-05-29T12:19:00.003-07:00

this week, max made it clear to me that he no longer was willing to go to sleep in his crib - instead, he tearfully insisted on going to bed in my bed.

max sleeps in my room, his crib next to my bed, while shoghi has his own room. this arrangement happened during last year's sleep training, and a later failed attempt at putting them in that room together in the fall. they just wake each other up too much to be sleeping in the same room.

so, every night at 11 or 12, max wakes up and i pull him into bed with me. do i have conflicted feelings about getting this extra daily snuggle time with only one of my boys? yes. i have to remind myself daily that this is a thoughtful choice, based on what each of them shows me he needs. and the fact that we don't have another room to offer max for a room of his own.

he has been so completely *joyful* at getting to go to sleep in the big bed, it takes him a little extra time to settle down, and the added difference is that during this transition, i am having to lay down beside him to get him to relax and go to sleep. i imagine after a few more days of adjustment i will edge my way closer to the door each night so we can get back to him falling asleep on his own. honestly, this came up so quickly, i didn't even do any reading about transitioning into beds - i don't really know how else to do it.

since the bed is on the floor, i haven't had rails, and it seems to be working to box him in with the body pillow so i actually have room to lie down on the outside of the bed by the time i go to sleep.

what a big change! i had imagined at one time that we three would all sleep in the same bed, but now with new developments in him rolling all over the bed at night, i seriously don't know how people sleep with more than one kid in the family bed. he and i are in a king, and i am being pushed off the bed nightly!

the good with the bad

2010-05-28T19:08:00.005-07:00

it's been a really rough 24 hours. a hard bedtime last night, and then a 2:30-4am waking for shoghi that was colored with screaming tantrums, if you can even call it a tantrum. he has these horrible wakings when he's teething, but this was by far the worst. kicking, scratching, back arching, screaming and crying, for 90 minutes in the middle of the night before he finally fell asleep in my arms. i'm so grateful max didn't wake up.

today both of them skipped their nap for the first time, so the afternoon was terrible, and shoghi's bedtime was again emotional and hard. poor boy. damned molars.

but there were a few fun things today, among which was my very first mama haircut for max - in fact the first haircut i've ever done without clippers. it was just a spontaneous thing after seeing his bangs bother him. i put him in his high chair, put on "click, clack, moo" and set to work. it's noticeably amateur, but that kind of makes me love it even more. i think i'll do shoghi's tomorrow!

rain rain rain

2010-05-26T21:57:00.002-07:00

i didn't think i'd be much affected by the rain of the pnw, but this year's soggy spring is getting to me.

this afternoon we were out back between showers for about 30 seconds before it started pouring, and my weak efforts to get them to come in the house were ignored. they played in the pouring rain for about 10 minutes before i brought them in, soaked to the bone. they had fun, and we all got some much needed fresh air.

there's max in the photo, signing "rain"...

sleep and remembering

2010-05-25T20:53:00.003-07:00

shoghi is getting another 2-year molar.

he's a hard teether, so this new molar is kicking all of our asses. he's also in a big developmental shift, so impatience and new-found avenues for aggression towards his brother (pushing! hair pulling! scratching!), combined with the ache-provoked moods of teething are all conspiring to make days challenging, while nights are peppered with sad wakings, one after another all night long.

this morning i did something i've only done once before - i used my babysitter time to go back to bed, and i slept until 10:30. i would love an entire day of sleep, even if it meant just lying in bed with the sound machine on staring at the ceiling. being a mom of two toddlers is exhausting!

***

the other day i was looking in an old photos folder and came across this still i took from a video of the boys last spring. being so saturated in the present with these little munchkins, it's easy to forget that not long ago, they were really just little babies!

gorillas and pins

2010-05-24T19:32:00.002-07:00

yesterday i dusted off one of the boys board books i had rotated out a few months ago, and we enjoyed a revival of "my friends" by taro gomi. hysterical antics ensued after they remembered my top notch karate kicking when demonstrating the page "i learned to kick from my friend the gorilla." i was surprised to see shoghi actually get one leg up as he tried kicking, and max managed to do the same in our reenactment today. fun times and laughter!

today i finally pinned clementine's baby quilt. i'm going to start knotting it tonight while we watch the series finale of lost.

words and photos

2010-05-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

for mother's day (which also happened to be the boys 21 month birthday), my sister gave me a "mom's one line a day" journal. this has been a nice spot to focus in and remember a little something from each day, and has inspired me to exert a renewed effort here. truth be told, life has changed a LOT in the past 3 months, and i just have very little free time now. i've been very busy with gardening, sewing up a storm for my new shop 70s home (which is doing really well!), and staying on top of the whole new level of antics the boys are now able to accomplish with new climbing skills. i feel like facebook has really taken over as my form of online expression.

so here we go: just a couple of lines and one photo a day.

***********

Sunday:

today i bought the boys some playdough - we needed a fresh activity after a week of rainy days, and i knew there was no way i was going to have time to make it. shoghi was so taken by it - he held a ball of "dough-dough" in his hand for about 4 hours, and cried bitter tears when i tried to put it away. i'm not into tough do-it-my-way parenting. if it's not hurting him or someone else, why force my will on him? i let him carry around that playdough as much as he wanted, though i will admit i was relieved when he dropped it outside so i didn't have to pry it away from him at bedtime!

and: we had a little baby carrot harvest from our garden! things i have learned about gardening: don't listen to the person at the nursery who tells you you don't need to thin out the seedlings. every cell needs to be divided to give the individual plants room to grow. stunted carrots were the evidence (the ones on the top of the pile were the ones that had room to grow). fortunately it's early enough in the season that i can re-plant a lot, since now we have many of the veg that aren't growing well. :)

back on track

2010-04-12T21:06:00.005-07:00

ssshhhhh.... for the first time since my twinnies were little babes, i'm sitting in bed next to a sleeping child, using my computer. every keystroke sounds terribly loud.... if he wakes, i'll have to abandon the post!

well, almost all of you know me on facebook, but i wanted to remember what it's been like for me to emerge from the darkness of chemical depression, and record what's been happening for me lately.

most of the time i do write about the boys, don't i... because i figure that's what everyone's interested in. but as their mama, i have been, and of course will continue to be on quite a journey.

as soon as i became pregnant, every spark of creative energy seemed to leave my mind and settle in my womb. it surprised me (ok, and really kind of made me sad) that i had no desire to create for my future children. no knitting teeny garments, no quilting, no calligraphy... nothing. well, you know, there was the 3,000 mile move, the living with friends for 6 months, the early birth of the boys, the nursing, the help with nursing, the sleeplessness.... but you know.... besides all of THAT, i really didn't do much of anything.

so to find that now, at a time when my babies are fully into being toddlers, and still have no creative juice flowing... well, it was just sad. and on top of that the depression... when i finally found a better dose of my prescription, it all came pouring back. seriously, in the 3 weeks since i've been feeling better, i have been so inspired - things have just poured through me - my hands have found their way to making new things i've never even tried before.

i opened a second etsy shop: 70s Home. did you all even know i had one originally? well, since nothing has been new in there for quite a while, i just felt it was stagnant, but soon there will be new designs in bamboo village press, too. and so it goes - change your thoughts, change your life. this time i needed some help to get my thoughts pointing in a better direction, but all of a sudden, out of seemingly nowhere, i have energy, inspiration, work, and a little bit of income.

we found a guy who agreed to come put in a raised bed for us in our rental home's backyard - he did the work in trade for some food i cooked for him. then, seriously out of the blue, a woman contacted me through bamboo village press and asked me to make her wedding invitations for her. after doing a quote, this lead didn't fizzle... in fact, i just finished them today, and honestly, i want to cry when i see them... something i drew by hand ended up on this couple's invitations! the colors, the gold embossing i did by hand... all of it... these are really some of the prettiest things i have ever made with my hands. i am so moved. the pictures i have taken so far really don't capture just how pretty they are. i sat there, doing a job a lot of people might find tedious, thinking "i love doing this" - i think this might be the first time i have truly felt this so deeply as my calling.

so now that the invitations are done, i am going full force into preparing for this weekend. my wonderful sister had her own moment of inspiration when we realized how much the new garden was costing (which i seriously cannot afford right now), and suggested we have a craft sale/open house. it's going to be 2 days - this sunday and the following thursday, and i've expanded it to not only cover both of our handmade items, but also a bake sale. i've gotten a ton of long-distance orders for my awesome maple almond and maple cashew granola, and i'll also be baking some fresh bread, and making some sweets as well (like maple butterscotch sauce and world peace cookies). i'm excited - not only will we get to visit with our lovely friends, i'm also going to hang a poster at our local cafe and put an ad on craigslist - it's definitely weird to think about opening our home to the public like this!

in the end, it is wonderful to feel yet again so supported by our friends and family, and it's so great to know that we will have some lovely organic food on our summer and fall table this year - food of a quality that i wouldn't otherwise be able to buy this year. even more, though, it inspires deep, deep gratitude within me that a part of myself has resurfaced. welcome back, happy, hard-working, inspired me - i missed you.

a little sunshine

2010-04-06T11:59:00.002-07:00

While it's true we've had nearly constant rain for the past couple of weeks, and our little household was stricken by a really terrible, long-lasting virus, for me, in the midst of this, things have begun to feel a little sunnier. I had my SSRI increased again a few weeks ago, at a time when I was beginning to feel like this particular drug wasn't going to work at all, and almost immediately I felt a shift.

I really can't express fully enough just how vastly different I feel, and what a relief it is to not be spending my days with terrible, depressed thoughts rattling around in my head, making me feel miserable about myself.

I'm slowly getting things back together... but things are good. :)

better than a banana phone

2010-03-29T08:52:00.002-07:00

lately everything is a phone for Max - a calculator, the dial on a heating pad, a book. but yesterday i looked into the living room and caught him talking into something completely unexpected:

a little update

2010-03-25T12:27:00.007-07:00

"A-peeeeeeeeeee!" says Shoghi, pointing at the sky. Planes are such an object of fascination and discussion in his world lately.

Max has woken up from a deep sleep twice this week, sitting straight up and calling out: "Chickie!!" Ever since we went to our little buddy Lanny's second birthday party almost two months ago and saw their chickens, we have been subjected to endless chicken talk from Mr. Max. How I wish we could afford to put up a chicken coop in our yard this year - I think the boys would really love it.

Funny words this week:

Max
monkey: moogie
Shoghi: Shoggy (like soggy)
flowers: fwa-sis
Mama: Ma-mee
Elmo: Melmo
chicken: chickie
"ouchie" is also getting a lot of play this week...
"I go pee-pee" and "take a bath" were his first 3-word combinations that emerged this week.
what does the rooster say? "a-dicka-doo"

Here are Laurie, Max and me, prompting Max a bit - he had been playing this little game of 1) pour out water 2) stomp in water 3) say "oh no." It was too cute to let slip by without a video.

Shoghi
Elmo: ama
kitty: kidda or just "ca" for cat
juice: do
plane: pee
diaper: boo-boo
bird: boo
cereal: see-da
butterfly: fa-da (also the word for fly)
leaf: wee
turtle: doo-da

Here's Shoghi last week, naming animals with me:

I'm so glad I let them watch Signing Time... Shoghi's language development is so much harder to understand than Max's, but he's using a LOT of signs, and uses them to clarify his words for us. This week, he will just go through a litany of seemingly unrelated words: leaf, train, plane, auntie, orange, hair... he's really acquired so much new language in the past month, it's incredible. Still, he got a referral to see an audiologist, and I'm going to take him in at the end of April. He confuses the hearing of many similar words, like sky and cry, duck and dog. While that could be totally normal, I want to make sure. His hard vowel sounds are starting to emerge - "e" is his strongest vowel sound.

saying and signing "go"

I forgot to tell you all months ago that I did take Shoghi to Early Intervention... geez, it seems like forever ago. Was it all the way last fall?? I'm sure it was September or October. I was concerned at the time that he might have some sensory issues, and didn't realize that EI would just be evaluating for developmental delay, which wasn't a concern. So, he tested just fine. Truthfully, I am still watching him with a close eye. He is a kinesthetic learner, which has been clear to me since he was born, so it may simply be that the way he relates to the world is so different from the way I do. And it's not that I feel like anything is "wrong" - I just want to make sure I offer things to him in the best way possible.

Meanwhile, Max has turned into our latest biter, and unlike Shoghi's long, long stint of social biting when he was really a baby, this biting is aggressive. Max actually bites Shoghi specifically to get the adult's attention about half of the time, and the other half he's biting because he's angry or frustrated. We've been trying some very basic time-out strategies with no success. I'm going to keep on with it, though, because I know he understands. He looks at me and actually says "no biting"... little smartypants!

More later - we're justting back into shape after a week of sickness!

geek-you

2010-03-19T13:27:00.003-07:00

Ah, the word of the week. Shoghi is suddenly babbling away, signing and saying so many new words. His only hard vowel sound is still "e"and he still says words mostly with consonants (like "ke-da" for kitty). We have yet to capture the joy on video, but let me assure you, it's been so delightful to experience this major shift. He now says "wa-da" for water, and "ba-ba-da" for bear... well, there are just so many!

Max continues his own path of development, and has now added verbs to the mix. "get it," eat sleep, drink, go, walk, jump... so many! He has started counting - for real counting - as well, and says thank you. He's started singing with some songs on Sesame Street... it's just so much fun. Some cute mispronunciations:

monkey: gookie or, suddenly today, moogie
turtle: too-a
banana: manna
egg: still weega-wee. still love it.
ouch: ouchies
have a good day: g'day!

Here's a video of Max saying thank you... most often, he says it without prompting, but you know, you gotta get these videos for the grandparents!!

Here's Max again... talking to the farm animals last month (he's saying "sleeping")

And hey, thanks for the menu ideas! I'm excited to try some of them in April!

cooking this week

2010-03-17T09:08:00.004-07:00

After my last post about menu ideas, a friend emailed to gently suggest I was too ambitious in the kitchen. I wish that were the case! When I am having a bad day (or days), we eat a lot of scrambled eggs with pesto, our most reliably-eaten meal. The little tykes are finally eating boxed mac and cheese, and they really love the chicken breakfast sausage, party meatballs, and frozen gnocchi dishes we get at Trader Joe's. But I have had a constant struggle with my weight (and really, with eating well) since adolescence, and I have had high blood pressure on and off since my long hospital stay after being in a head-on car crash in 2004. I'm concerned about my own health, and I am really striving to set good habits for my children. I want my kids to be among the exception to the obesity epidemic we are experiencing in this country. I want to be around and healthy to meet my grandchildren and have them know me.

Maybe my meal ideas look a little complicated, but really the part I struggle with the most is cleaning up! For now, while I am still at home with my children, I hope to continue cooking meals with basic ingredients and avoid processed foods as much as possible. As spring unfolds, I also hope to find us eating more veggies, something often lacking from meals.

Looking back on what I wrote last week, I'm doing pretty well. My lack of specific planning showed a little last night, when I was in the middle of a several-hour-long anxiety attack. I ended up cooking brown rice (which Max ate) and made the sauce for butternut squash mac and cheese, but no pasta. Thankfully Laurie came home early and cooked up some breakfast sausage, made some corn, and we warmed up some of the delicious chicken pot pie she had made the night before. When the boys refused everything but the meat, they ended up eating whole grain c*heerios with milk and raspberries while I sat between them trying to catch my breath. What a mess!

There have been better moments, though, like when Korin came over on Sunday and we made our sweet potato gnocchi to freeze. It's so delicious, but sadly I'm the only one here who will eat it.

I made sweet potato and cheddar quesadillas, and the boys actually ate them!

I also managed to make four loaves of cardamom bread, but I forgot to add the cardamom. We gave loaves to friends and sent one to work with Laurie to the delight of her colleagues.

We also made a corned beef crockpot meal, but it was too sour for both me and Laurie. I think I'm going to throw together an easy lentil soup this afternoon, to go with that brown rice from last night. I want to get more meat-free meals on the table. Do you have favorite vegetarian meals? I'd love to hear em!

bedtime ritual

2010-03-13T19:27:00.007-08:00

I'm a pretty regimented mom. We have a schedule that has evolved over the past year, and I love it. We're firmly down to one nap a day now, too, and did I tell you that I finally got Shoghi off of those stressful nighttime milk bottles? Yep - the the past month, he's given up his bottle, and is also doing better at sleeping through the night (finally!) most of the time.

Our most consistent ritual, though, is bedtime, which we call sleepytime. After dinner, the boys go a little nuts, running, squealing with laughter at each other, getting out the last of the day's big energy. If they're terribly messy after their meal, we go up and they take a bath, once or twice a week. About a half an hour later, I put on a DVD - usually Goodnight Gorilla - and we all sit down and watch together while pajamas are put on and teeth are brushed.

a typical end-of-day scene of snuggling, tv-watching, and a big mess in the background

After as little as 10 and as long as 20 minutes, we all head upstairs - the boys crawling up the staris themselves. They both stand in Shoghi's crib in his room (they've been in separate rooms since they went into cribs), and I read several books, sing a song or two, and then the boys say goodnight to each other with kisses and hugs, which has recently evolved into lying on top of each other, rolling around, laughing with each other, and sometimes ends with someone being bitten (remember our problems with biting? it's back, and now they both bite!).

shoghi taking a nap

Then I take Max to his room, settle him in his crib, returning afterward to Shoghi's room to give him a small bottle of water which he keeps in his crib all night, sing to him, and say good night. Many times, that's it - they might chat for a while, but they both calmly go to sleep. They're generally sleeping by 7, which is a blessed, early time. Since they get up so early - Max gets up at 5:30 consistently - the early bedtime is a necessity for us all.

napping Max, who still loves his thumb!

March menu ideas, anyone?

2010-03-12T12:58:00.006-08:00

I'm just going to take a moment and use the old blog as a notepad. Menu ideas for the next 2 weeks. Please feel free to contribute!

herbed polenta (try again)
butternut squash mac and cheese (I now make this sauce and freeze a couple of pints - great to defrost on hard days)
farfalle with myzithra
corned beef slow cooker dinner
red curry with steamed veggies, zucchini and chicken
quesadillas (try for the first time) what do you like to put into yours?
quiche
sweet potato apple casserole (breakfast?)
chicken pot pie
sweet potato gnocchi (Korin? Want to make some together? Maybe on Monday afternoon??)

chocolate beet cake
zucchini bread
peanut butter oatmeal cookies

challah do you have a tried and true challah recipe?
cardamom bread
Kelly's almond scones

I'd also like to make some Chinese pork dumplings to freeze - anyone interested in getting together to make a couple hundred with me?

Do you have a good recipe we should try? Bring it on!!

from babies to boys

2010-03-12T09:14:00.004-08:00

When, how, did it happen that my little babes became these running, talking, playing children???

missing

2010-03-11T10:56:00.004-08:00

It's been a rather long time since I've posted, hasn't it? March has arrived, spring is here, my children continue to change and grow, and somewhere along the line, I feel like a part of me has been lost. A heavy old feeling has returned, and this time I have a happy little life surrounding me. There is no bad relationship to blame. The days of infertility and pregnancy loss are behind me. Sure, there's a lot to be stressed out about - still not having a job, getting older and wondering if I'll have a chance to be a mama to a third (biological) child, running out of money... these are all things that I encounter in my mind and heart every day. But the darkness I feel taking up residence again I have now come to accept as something else - why is it so hard for me to even type this word - depression.

To admit that I'm not just lazy, not a terrible procrastinator, not irresponsible, not at fault... to set aside labels that I have used on myself for years and years... why is that so hard? It's easier to blame myself than to think that perhaps these symptoms that have plagued me for so long are not just a failing of my will to change. Ironically, though I have spent a lot of time in therapy, I have not used medication for depression aside from when my marriage was falling apart and I was in the worst grief of infertility. And now that I really believe that this is truly clinical depression that I'm dealing with, I have no health insurance or savings left to deal with it.

I have envisioned this blog as a place to record the story of this little family - to share it with family and friends, to connect with new people... and ultimately, to have it as a gift for my sons. I hesitate to write about the darker moments of parenting.

One thing I am proud of, though, is that in these past months that have been tarnished by panic attacks, muscle and joint pain, and the dark paralysis of this strange and unwanted internal despair, I can truly say that all the energy I have summoned has gone to my children. I haven't written my resume or kept on top of all of my bills, but I have spent countless hours playing with Max and Shoghi, celebrating their little lives, cooking for them, researching their development and trying to come up with ways to engage their curiosity, looking into their precious eyes, hugging their beautiful bodies, washing their diapers, telling them stories, and re-discovering the world through their experience of living. I know that even in my worst hours, I am a loving mother to my boys, and that is a gift to all of us.

So, this is the reason I haven't been posting much. It is hard for me to admit that things have really gotten this dark - and it's been very sad for me to come to the realization that if this is not situational depression as I had guessed in the past, that I may well have to deal with the truly terrible affliction of depression for a good while. Have you dealt with depression or a disease of chronic pain or fatigue as a parent? If so, please share your experience!

a taste of spring

2010-02-25T08:26:00.003-08:00

Here in Portland, the daffodils are in full bloom, cherry trees are opening their pink blossoms, and purple azaleas blaze. The week my parents were here was extra special for the nice dose of spring-like sun we got. The warmth continued a few more days, finding me and the boys spending every possible moment playing outside. I took the lambskins off their beds and gave them a nice wool wash, drying them in the afternoon sun while Max and Shoghi ran around the yard.

There's nothing like a burst of sunshine and warm air to get in the mood for spring cleaning, or apparently if you are a toddler, to get in the mood to run around in the back yard in the buff. Ah, warm weather... we all welcome you!!!

grandpa love

2010-02-24T10:05:00.003-08:00

Last week we enjoyed a visit with my parents, who flew out from Massachusetts to see the boys. We hadn't been together since the summer, and you know, six months is a long time in the life of babies/toddlers. We were all touched and delighted that the boys knew who they were immediately. They loved every second of their time with Memmae and Popi, and we miss them terribly now that they've flown back home.

Strangely, I didn't get many pictures, but just had to start by sharing these gems of the boys with their grandpa. He wasn't feeling great, but he rallied his spirits and showed his grandsons just how much he loves them.

on the table (or floor)

2010-02-10T10:17:00.003-08:00

the ew face

Well, so much for daily blogging, eh? Maybe someday life will shape up that way again. For now, I thought I'd share with you some links to recipes I've been trying.

Remember how I was excited about weekly menu planning? Well, it hasn't gone so well. For one, the boys are getting pickier by the day, and when I try new recipes (or sometimes even old ones), they don't eat what I'm serving. Pot roast was a hit one week and a total flop the next. Ribollita soup was gobbled up once, never to be touched again. As a rule, neither of them likes leftovers. To complicate matters, my sister is lactose intolerant, so many things I make, she can't eat. For me to be left with (for example) a 9x13 pan full of three cheese baked ziti to eat myself is just frustrating.

How do you all deal with picky eaters who are not yet old enough to serve themselves? Those of you who've never had this problem, well, just don't tell me about it, ok?

Here are a few of the recipes I've tried in the past few weeks:

Baked rice: very easy, great cleanup. I was the only one who ate any, and it was a little crunchy for my taste. I'll try it again and use a little extra water.

Chocolate chip zucchini bread: delicious, and the boys will eat it. I was glad to get rid of the zucchini, which until now has been one of the only veggies I could count on the boys to eat. Alas, those days are gone.

Polenta wedges: really tasty, but the boys wouldn't touch it. Really annoying, since our most reliable dinner is sliced polenta from a tube and marinara sauce.

Mom's chicken pot pie: mmm, how we love a good pot pie. I got my toddlers to eat the inside, but they wouldn't eat the crust. The first time, they turned up their noses to the whole thing. I'll post our family recipe soon.

What's on your menu for this week? In this house, we may have eggs and polenta every single day.

recent nighttime changes

2010-02-06T20:29:00.000-08:00

Ah, it's morning naptime. I have started writing posts about our most recent attempt at switching down to one nap, but since I never finish them, I'll just mention here that our 17-month experiment lasted 2 weeks and ended in disastrous sleep for all four of us.

We're back to two naps on most days, at 8:30 or 9 and again at 1:30 or 2, and if one or both of them skips one, I just don't sweat it. It's hard - my friends with children a little older than my boys all think switching to one nap is the right thing to do, especially because Shoghi was having some really traumatic and long wakings over the past month, but I know he's not ready. Again, I could probably switch Max easily, but Shoghi just sleeps more, and he needs it. In hindsight now, it seems like his sleep disturbances were related to both teeth and language development. But as the mom of kids who were born two months prematurely, I never know when to factor in their age difference - it seems common for 18-month olds to have switched down to one nap, but more acceptable to think of 16-month olds to be taking two. Whatever the case, I have to follow their lead.

January brought a big leap in language for both Max and Shoghi - here Max is touching a sculpture and saying "bear."

Early in January, we had five blissful nights when Shoghi slept completely through until morning with no wakings for bottles. This ended abruptly with the emergence of his four canines, which coincided unfortunately with Max's own top canines, causing him to wake at 3am for the day several times. It seems that Max's bottom canines are about to emerge, evidenced by two days already of a low grade fever and lots of whining and then crying at night, but fortunately Shoghi finally seems to have broken through his weeks of terrible nights - he's on his third day of sleeping straight through again. You see how this is a balancing act for me to get any sleep at all? The stars really have to align.

my poor little muffin has had a hard month, leading to a resurgence of biting. sometimes this is mitigated by sucking on bottle nipples.

I've decided to bite the bullet - once and for all helping Shoghi end his dependence on nighttime bottles. My parents are going to be here in a week, so I hope by the time they get here we'll be officially done. I've been letting him have a bottle in the morning after we come downstairs, and another at bedtime (also downstairs), so once he stops associating them with getting back to sleep, I'll deal with eliminating them from the rest of the scene. It seems like Shoghi must be going through some more developmental changes, because for the past week he's been reaching into the drawer where I keep the bottle/ sippy cup parts and finding bottle nipples to suck on. He walks around the house biting and sucking them... it seems a strange age to possibly introduce a binkie, but I might try it.

On Monday, we'll be celebrating the boys' 18-month birthday! A year and a half already, and Sunday I'm meeting a potential babysitter - very exciting changes are happening.

rice play

2010-02-05T09:42:00.000-08:00

Here's an activity that, like pool in the kitchen, worked for us for quite a few of the early toddler months. Now that they boys are hitting 18 months, I find that their new skill of gleefully throwing things (especially rice and sand) prevent us from bringing out the rice play, but it was great up until just a couple of weeks ago.

Setup: I bought a 25-pound bag of the cheapest rice I could find at our local Asian market, and used about half for this activity. I just dragged our plastic pool in from the garage and set if on the kitchen floor on top of a large sheet. Then I dumped the rice inside and gave the boys a number of bowls, spatulas, and other pouring objects. I resigned myself to them eating the rice, and over the course of playing with this many times, I didn't notice any resulting tummy troubles.

When the boys are done, I put them in their high chairs so I can clean up without them under foot. I pour the rice into a plastic tub and store it in the garage for future play.

Now that the boys are so steady on their feet, a nice sand table would be perfect for rice play indoors, though I'm quite sure it would still involve the thrill of throwing and pouring the rice on the floor. It's a great activity, though, and keeps them occupied for up to 20 minutes.

Note: right before I got our sandbox, I did try doing this outside a few times, but it was kind of a pain. Twice I forgot to sweep up the rice in our haste to get into the house, and both times it rained, making it much harder to clean up.

universal translator

2010-02-04T09:34:00.005-08:00

I need one of these. Remember? From Star Trek? I wonder if they work on toddlers.

Here are some of the words recently translated from Max's growing lexicon:

wee = eggs. Also, wee-digga-wee

gus = ducks

dwee = upstairs

some are more obvious:

waaa-da = water

fwo = frog

Sho-du = Shoghi

da-da-da (ad infinitum) = sing "What's the Name of that Song"

mo sa = some more

We also have many variations of "It's a..." "Is-a sun!" "Is-a tu-a!" (It's a turtle) "Is-a cats!" "Is-a twee!"

Max probably has about 300 interpretable words by now! But there's so much more endless babble that defies translation! It's really cute, squealy and delightful, this toddler talk!

Memere's Oatmeal Bread

2010-02-03T00:36:00.004-08:00

The theme for February's NaBloPoMo is "ties." I'm not sure if 1) I'll manage to post every day, or 2) make every post reflect this theme, but I'm going to give it a try again. It seems fitting that just yesterday I made my great-grandmother's oatmeal bread recipe for the first time. You know how I love to bake family bread recipes!

This generation has brought about major changes in the way our family connects. For several generations before, family on my mother's side lived in tight community - my mother grew up with her paternal grandparents living upstairs in a typical Massachusetts "double decker," her maternal grandparents only a few blocks away. While some of her siblings have moved out of state (to New Mexico and New York), three of the five have kept their families close by.

We grew up living just two hours away from all of our grandparents and most of our relatives. We saw them fairly often, and got to know our uncles and aunts and to some extent our cousins. We spent our childhood with four living grandparents and three living great-grandparents. What a blessing!

Memere was my mother's maternal grandmother. Thinking about her now, I realize I don't actually know a lot about her life. Named Edna, I know she was part Irish, but she was French-Canadian through-and-through, preferring to speak French. She lived to be well over 100 years old, though I didn't see her after she fell ill in her late 90s. I remember her to knit for us every Christmas, and recall her always in the kitchen - a petite elderly woman chattering away with my grandma in French. Was it Mem who made the poutins that became the stuff of family legend? Was it her mince meat pie that always appeared at holiday meals? Was this bread recipe passed down to her? I just don't remember. The next time I visit Grandma, I'll have to learn more about her mother.

my grandma (Mem's daughter) with Shoghi last summer

I got this recipe from my mom ages ago, and it was very easy to put together. When it came out of the oven, I actually didn't like the molasses fragrance, but I cut into the hearty bread this morning, toasted it, and ate it with butter and my raspberry jam, and wow... I think I have a new favorite bread. Earthy, mildly sweet, a smooth, dense texture - this oatmeal bread is fabulous. I hope Mem feels the love from a couple generations down today, and knows she's missed and loved. Five generations so far have been nourished by this yummy bread.

Memere's Oatmeal Bread

1c quick-cooking oats
2c scalded milk
1 pkg active dry yeast
4-6c flour
1/2c molasses
2t salt
1/4t ginger

Place oats in large bowl, cover with scalded milk and allow to cool to lukewarm. Soften yeast in 1/2c warm water and 1t sugar. Stir in molasses, salt and ginger to yeast mixture, and add to oat mix. Stir in 4 1/2 cups of flour and knead for five minutes, adding more flour as necessary to make a firm, slightly sticky dough.

Place in oiled bowl and cover with a warm, damp towel. Allow to rise to double (I preheat the oven to 170* and then turn it off. This decreases the rise time if your house is cool). Punch down and divide into two. Bake in a greased bread pan at 350* for 40-50 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.

Cool on a wire rack and serve warm with salted butter and homemade jam!

sandbox

2010-02-02T10:05:00.005-08:00

I have been so excited about getting the boys a sandbox. They love to play with rice in our old plastic swimming pool, but that kind of play isn't working out so well anymore: in the house, the rice throwing is just too intense for me to deal with, and outside, cleaning up all that grain is just a hassle.

"fwow!" squeals Max as he throws the rice...

Last summer, my parents got one of those turtle sandboxes, so I trolled craigslist until I found one.

july - the boys were 11 months old

Sadly, it turned out to be a flop. It's way too small, and they're just too young to take turns being inside the box - this new toy is just too exciting for that. When they both sit in it, they can barely access the sand.

Plus, Shoghi acted like it was water, and kept diving in - mouth first. I know it's normal, and a little sand in the mouth doesn't freak me out, but gobs of it? Making him choke? It was gross, and disturbing. I know he'll stop doing it after the novelty wears off, but that day it just overwhelmed me.

As quickly as the box got set up, it got fenced off.

I think the only solution is to get another one - you just have to roll with where they are, and I know the sand play will be gret for them. They will also benefit from each having his own play space. Just because they shared my womb doesn't mean they have to share everything!

january, a month of constant vigilence

2010-02-01T10:16:00.000-08:00

January has been quite a month! The boys are both now solidly walking, talking up a storm, and signing quite a lot! We endured two rounds of colds, our first case of impetigo, and the emergence of 6 out of our 8 canines (Max still hasn't hatched his bottom two). This has led to extreme sleep disturbances, and an average of 4 hours a night of sleep for me, as I spent my nights shuttling between my unhappy boys. For the first time in a very long time, I actually had to enlist my sister's help during the night on at least two occasions. By the end of the month, it also became clear that it was time to try reducing to one nap a day - we're still in the throes of that transition.

some beautiful weather this month meant a lot of time outside.
shoghi discovers soil for the first time.

the emotional needs of toddlers can be so intense. thank god i'm in the habit of babywearing. i honestly don't know what i would do without my carriers.

This was our third month since our dear Emilia retired from caring for my boys in order to welcome her own sweet baby. To say I've missed her is an extreme under-statement; in short, the household fell into complete disorder, I had to close Bamboo Village Press and completely abandon my other brand new business Good Karma Marketing. If you are one of the many friends or family who has emailed, commented, left voicemail, or sent a message via facebook, you may suspect that I have been ignoring you - in reality, I just haven't had any time. I haven't listened to voicemail for about two weeks, to be honest. I guess I'm a little shut down these days.

This month, I was inspired by several of my mama-of-multiple friends and a visit to All Roads Montessori School to give the boys more opportunities to participate in learning about daily life. Miriam is a mom of triplet girls who sent me a very helpful intro to setting up the house in Montessori-style, following a visit from my friend Jolene who planted the idea that I could use this method at home.

we took these lights down and the boys were both so fascinated, i decided to put them in a basket on the shelf. they carry the basket to the table and i plug them in. we've talked a lot about colors this month, so this activity was a good match.

These inspirations have mostly involved changes in mealtime and cycles of activity. I've deliberately refrained from using the word "help" when we're tidying up or doing other chores - I want them to get a sense that it's just a part of the day, and that they are responsible participants, not helpers. I've capitalized on their obsession with sweeping and vacuuming to make these a part of completing meal times and activities involving messy play (like rice or bean play).

any excuse to sweep
much fighting ensues over whose turn it is with the broom. i hope to get two child-sized brooms this month

Jen described in a recent post how she does meals with her twins. Until that time, I'd been resigning myself to the bowl-hurling, and had convinced myself that they weren't ready for dishes - for the most part, I was putting their food right on the table, which seemed logical after they both graduated from highchairs with trays back in December. Then I started serving them on those plastic plates with little divided sections, and they LOVED it.

At the same time, I realized that this was going to require me to be at the table with them at all times, not preparing each different dinner item as the meal progressed (i.e. as they rejected the last thing). They both really love seeing all their food at once, and generally go for the fruit first, but don't complain when it's done. I did a lot of praising - basically a running commentary of "wow! Max is keeping his plate on the table!" and "Shoghi, I love how you're eating with your spoon!"

All of this work has yielded real fruits: we have very little food throwing, and virtually no plates end up on the floor anymore (wish I could say the same about spoons and forks, but you gotta start somewhere, right?). I do preempt the throwing, though... if I see them gearing up, I say "oh, it looks like you're done. Let's move your plate" or something along those lines. I also tell them that I'm going to help them to remember how to do something, rather than just taking it away.

messy baby/clean baby.
some things never change!

In celebration of this amazing mealtime transformation, and after visiting the Montessori school, I got some small ceramic plates and cups from Goodwill and that's now what we are using at the table. They seem to love their open cups, and like watching me pour their milk (which I give about a tablespoon at a time).

our new place settings

The other major change has been that I basically follow them around now during their active time, and draw their attention back when they're finishing an activity. I tell them that I see they're finished with it, and tell them that we'll put it back on the shelf. I didn't really think they were even hearing me, but last Monday at the doctor's office, I told them we were going to put the toys away before leaving the exam room, and Shoghi actually picked up a toy and put it away! I was so shocked and excited!

In a similar vein, Max has learned to pick up his juice cup or any snacks he has (intentionally) dropped onto the floor from their small table (which I use for snacks) and put them back onthe table. He stands there and applauds for himself, which is totally darling.

This constant attention to what they are doing, and my running narrative of what we are doing and how we are finishing, has definitely contributed to my lack of time to get anything done. By the time the boys are in bed and the kitchen is cleaned up, I have just about done everything I can for the day. I watch an hour or so of TV with my sister and then head off to bed, only to be invariably woken an hour or two later to attend to one of the boys... and so it begins again.

In February, I'm counting on better sleep, unless our 2-year molars decide to show up early (there's been a lot of chewing on fingers this week). I will definitely have to do some kind of modified sleep training for Shoghi, who has reverted back to his persistent, angry wakings of a year ago. Plus, I have got to get rid of his nighttime bottle once and for all... and so the story goes.

we discovered planes this month: "A PLANE!!"

I'm glad to leave the stress of January behind, and look forward to this month which will bring a visit from my parents. Be well, Internet friendlies!

outside!

2010-01-30T15:08:00.003-08:00

The weather here has been so nice recently. After being bound to the inside walls of the house for about 6 weeks in November and December due to rain, we've been thrilled to open the back door again and let the boys loose on the yard.

A couple of days ago, Shoghi even pronounced his first word with two different syllables: outside. It was so exciting for him and us! He is also signing the same word in this video:

newton's law applies to toddlers

2010-01-29T18:28:00.003-08:00

A toddler in motion will tend to stay in motion...

Life is so fast-paced these days, especially since we're in our second week of trying to transition to one nap. Today, for example, Shoghi had one 30-minute nap in the car from 9:45 to 10:15, and Max slept at home from 10:20-11. By 2pm I had two desperately tired, uncoordinated, biting, whining, hungry children who didn't want to eat in their exhausted state. No opportunity for a second nap though, since we then had to go see the pediatrician for an official diagnosis of impetigo.

The boys are now in bed (it's 6:31 and they are already asleep), and after this long day (on top of about 3 weeks with an average of 4 hours of sleep for me) I'm about ready to collapse. I'm thinking an 8 o'clock bedtime is in order.

hand me downs

2010-01-24T14:08:00.004-08:00

My cheeky little guys wearing Ruby's sweet hand-me downs. It's hard to believe Shoghi's wearing these 24 month overalls while Max is still in the 12 month ones... Ruby was wearing these after we moved here. She seems so much older in these baby/toddler perspectives, but really what's a couple of years? Not much, and Shoghi's a giant!

Does this even make sense? I'm quite tired after sleeping only 2 hours in the past 36. Here's a few snaps of the boys posing in their Ruby-wear.

potty learning begins

2010-01-21T15:03:00.005-08:00

I'm easing into the whole potty learning phase with the introduction of books, the occasional wearing of training pants, baby proofing the downstairs bathroom, allowing the boys to see their new potty, as well as drawing regular attention to their... elimination. I've always used proper body part names with them, and we use the words "pee" or "pee-pee" and "poop." I just talk about it in the context of changing diapers or them peeing on the fl0or if they're naked or wearing training pants. Unlike some of my friends, I don't make up silly song about poop. It's just not my style!

So, all I can say, having just received in the mail my new copies of Everyone Poops (My Body Science Series) and Once Upon a Potty -- Boy, is I don't think I'm ready for this.

"Just like you, Joshua has a body, and this body has many nice and useful parts..." (ok so far)

"A Pee-Pee for making Wee-Wee...." (oh, Lord... Wee-Wee???)

"A bottom for sitting and in it a little hole for making Poo-Poo." (oh, my.... "a little hole"?)

A Pee-Pee? Wee-Wee? Poo-Poo?

Why are they capitalized? Why are we using the word "Pee-Pee" for a p*enis?

Seriously? I'm such a prude. The pile of poop on the floor on Page 28? Gross! And while I'll admit Everyone Poops is pretty funny, it still grosses me out to see all the piles of turd on page after page!

Why on earth must so many books about potty learning involve the child putting the potty chair on their head??? How would they ever conceive of it being a hat without such a prompt?!?

I'm all about the books, though, so I'll put up with all this silliness in the name of getting these guys out of `diapers. They seem to be fascinated, anyway.

There you have it, my friends. Thus begins what will surely seem like a lifetime of potty talk and potty humor. I'll say it again:

I don't think I'm ready for this!

experimenting with toddler passtimes

2010-01-20T09:07:00.000-08:00

fridge lotto magnets

I've been trying a lot of new activities with the boys lately, experimenting with what they're ready for and what is still too much of a challenge, too dangerous (to the other twin), or too messy. I'm pretty resigned to cleaning up messes, and believe strongly in allowing the boys to explore objects that engage their senses. That said, all of these were from over a week ago - for several days, I've just been too tired to deal with it!

Here are some of the ways I've modified our space and activities we've tried.

Table and Chairs

This little table is set up in our kitchen/dining area. I use it right now to put snacks out - I'm working diligently (and not yet successfully) to help the boys learn to keep their food on the table, both here where they have the freedom to come and go, and at the big table we all use for meals. I have tried placing activities, like sorting games or stacking rings, on the table, but that really only works when I am sitting with one of them. I had to replace the chairs that came with the table with these shorter stools - although they both loved the idea of having chairs, they were just too tall for now.

Fridge Lotto

Shoghi has been captivated by flowers for quite a long time, but recently he has learned to actually say "flowers," so we hear about these spring beauties all day long. I got the book "Planting a Rainbow" for him at the library a couple of weeks ago, and he's been quite delighted by the colorful blooms on the pages. On a whim, I whipped up this little fridge matching game. I simply drew a bunch of different flowers and a sun, which at the time was Max's newest word, and stuck it to the fridge with a piece of contact paper cut to a larger rectangle size. I glued corresponding images into baby food jar lids, and stuck a magnet on the back.

Although they both point to the flowers and sun, the magnets mostly just get thrown. We've already lost two of them! Clearly, this matching game is too advanced. They love magnets, though, so I think we'll make more.

Frozen Colors

I got this idea browsing the forums on Mothering. I just took a silicone ice cube tray, putting one drop of food coloring in each cube with water.

This has turned out to be a nice activity for the floor in the kitchen. It's messy, and I have to make sure they don't walk away with these potential carpet stain cubes, but they both liked handling the frozen ice. If you're sensitive to the idea of the kiddos ingesting food coloring, look for a natural version at your local health food store.

We have many books about colors right now, so this is a great hands-on activity to reinforce color differentiation. Some of the favorites this month: Flaptastic Colors and Planting a Rainbow: Lap-Sized Board Book.

prepping the colors

Fingerpaint

This speaks for itself... Max in his typical full body exploration style has taken to fingerpaints with relish, but I think I'm going to have to get some paint brushes for Shoghi, who seems pretty grossed out by the feel of it.

What are some of your favorite toddler passtimes?

Click these links to see more photos of our activites or join our flickr group and share your toddler fun photos?

somewhere beyond here

2010-01-11T14:00:00.004-08:00

The picture doesn't show it, but I feel so adrift, so stressed out, so lost these days. My patience has washed away under a flood of anxiety, and I find it challenging to make it through the days without terrible feelings of failure - failure to discern my path, to find enough creative and engaging things for the boys, to manage this household calmly and with the finesse I tell myself most adults possess. I ask myself every day how I ever thought I could do this myself, and then I remember that I am doing it, that I couldn't have imagined how it would be to parent twins in this situation (or that my pursuit of parenthood would give me the blessing of having two babies at the same time), and that I would not change any of it, no matter how hard it is for me right now.

The fact is, I am trying. I am digging deeper than I have ever had to in my life. I do come up with new things for us to do every day, we get out and spend time with friends, and I am working hard to prepare good meals and bake bread. These things are important to me, and despite my inner turmoil, I am doing them. I have no choice but to reach for something better, to find myself in the midst of this personal crisis.

To make sure I have various kinds of support and a structure to focus my thoughts of creating a more healthy life, I've decided to take Mondo Beyondo again - the online class I took in October that guides participants through a process of becoming clear about their dreams, and then pursuing them.

This is all in line with my stated goal of 2010 of finding my voice. I'm relieved that the class starts today and I can place my frenzied mind into a calm, positive space.

crazy friday

2010-01-08T18:30:00.009-08:00

Dear Mom,

Sorry I missed your call today. I forgot to charge my phone last night, and it died this afternoon right after I heard your voicemail. You asked how things are going, and wanted to check on Shoghi and the new shift to forward-facing car seats.

Little guy is doing much better - the fever passed, but left behind it those horrible canines doing their nasty work on his mouth. He's been pretty possessive of Mama (something new) and has started hitting all of us in some brand new (and very long) temper tantrums that started up right after the sickness had gone. His way of talking also changed. I'm glad this dramatic behavior shift didn't come after a vaccine - it seems very pronounced, and I definitely would have been concerned. As it is, I guess it's just a developmental shift and we'll just continue to try to think creatively about what he needs from us (i.e. me and Laurie) to help him feel secure.

As far as the car seats goes, they're quite happy with them, I think. Max especially is really talking about things he sees, which is fun. The photo of Shoghi sleeping is from the day after his fever passed. He has been sleeping a LOT these past few days - as in 12 or 13 hours at night and 2 naps of 1.5 - 3 hours during the day. Poor guy is pooped. See the french fries in his sleepy hands and his furrowed brow/pout? Damn those teeth!

Today was such a packed day - why do I try to squeeze so many things in on the same day? I was really smart last night, though - I laid out everything I would need for us to get out the door, which sometimes can take a full half hour! From the moment we woke up, I was on the go - first morning snack (grapes and mozzarella), then breakfast (scrambled eggs with avocado and cheddar, sliced orange, waffle with jam), and morning nap. Max decided to skip his nap, so instead of doing some of my planned prep, I spent about 30 minutes trying to get him down. Finally I gave up and Laurie took over so I could shower. I packed our diaper bag and hopped in for a 5-minute wash.

We were out the door by 9:45, and I have to say I was pretty impressed with myself. It wasn't as stressful as usual, and I was excited to get to our first destination - a Reggio Emilia-inspired daycare/preschool just 7 minutes from our house.

Sadly, I was disappointed by the experience. The school was in a nice facility, but that's just what it was - very functional and institutional feeling. Fluorescent lights felt very harsh in the classrooms, which were set up exactly the same way as the traditional preschool I worked at in high school. The 18-30 month room felt very small, and I was very disappointed that they didn't have a single climbing apparatus, either inside or on the small toddler playground.

When I asked about their philosophy and how they characterized it as RE, the assistant director told me that they were very proud of their educational focus and curriculum, which from what I could see was just basically a plan for what the kids would do every day, moving them from free play to art, to gross motor play, etc. She told me that the teachers give an art project and show the kids what it "should" be, and then let the kids do what they want with the materials.

Another question that's very important to me is how they deal with normal toddler aggression. I listened to the teacher tell me that they use redirection and comfort the hurt child, but when I pressed them for further actions they take with biting children (I told them that Shoghi is just growing out of a biting habit), they immediately jumped to telling me about having the kid removed from the program for two weeks until they stop the biting behavior. Needless to say, that landed pretty hard on me. A truly experienced toddler program should have a detailed explanation for how they deal with behaviors such as this, and not simply indicate to a concerned parent that things could go from redirection to expulsion. It just seemed to lack expertise and certainly didn't seem to involve the parent in any kind of strategy.

I guess I figure if I have to pay someone $1500 a month to watch my two kids 3 days a week, I'm looking for something that is a much more creative environment - one that feels relevant to my children and one whose approach and curriculum will support the kind of development I want to give them. Not that I can even dream of affording such a huge sum of money to send my boys to daycare... I find myself more and more wishful that I can somehow afford a Montessori program. Going back to school to become an ESL professional is seeming more and more like the thing I should do if I'm going to find my way back to working a job that will support us.

From there, we went to visit our little twin friends. The boys and girls ran around getting into stuff while Elizabeth and I shouted fragments of conversation at each other from opposite ends of the room. (ok, I exaggerate a little, but you know what I'm talking about if you've spent time with 4 curious 1-year olds). We had a fun visit and left there in time to come home for a snack of peanut butter and banana (a first, which they gobbled up!) and a nap.

You might think this meant a break for me, but nope. I didn't even sit down for the next hour and a half. I had signed up to bring dinner to our former babysitter, who just had a baby two weeks ago. I actually succeeded at making my weekly menu (for the first time!) and had planned on making sabzi pollo, that wonderful Persian rice dish with baby lima beans, dill, parsley, and garlic. Being slightly delusional as I always am when it comes to estimating how much time things will take, I had decided to buy fresh herbs, which meant 30 minutes of washing, pinching and chopping. Oh, and our garbage disposal has been broken for a week, which also disables our dishwasher, so I had to do quite a lot of dis washing before I could even start cooking. Max woke up while I was in the middle of making this meal, so I set him on the floor with a canister of dry split peas and let him go at it.

I was pleased with how he played with this Montessori-inspired activity. I gave him the canister with the peas and a 1/4 cup measure, and showed him how to scoop the beans into a second bowl. This was the second time I tried this with him - the first being just last week when he was only interested in eating the hard, dry legumes, which didn't thrill me. This time he played with them for quite a while, which bought me enough time to finish most of the prep.

Here's Shoghi, meeting the baby on Wednesday. He's really starting to grasp the concept of "gentle." Both the boys really love seeing babies - they've started asking for them when we get in the car.
I won't bother going into the bizarre baby fever that seeing and holding this little peanut is provoking in me.

We didn't get out of here to deliver the meal until 3pm, which is basically the start of the last two hours of their playtime. We got back to our neighborhood at 4, and I decided to drive right to our good old quiet mall and let them run wild. It was pretty exhausting for me keeping them corralled by myself, but it was good for them to run around for a while.

Home again, then dinner, cleanup and our bedtime routine, and now the boys are in bed at 6:45. I have an entire kitchen of dishes to wash, but my new strategy of getting the floor wiped down and the toys put away while the boys are awake is really working well - it's not quite so overwhelming when I finally get them to sleep.

Well, that's how our day went! I just thought since it was already too late to call that I'd send a little (ok, a very long) note your way.

Love to you and Dad!
c

a little shout out to you

2010-01-07T13:27:00.007-08:00

Hi, all of you! How's it going this week? How's the new year treating you?

I wanted to take a moment out of chattering on about our little familia to say a warm and friendly hello to all of you I don't actually know! I've been watching my visitor stats, and find it so amazing to be having repeat visitors from all over the world. Not just in a "that's cool" sort of way, but in a very connected, deeply happy kind of way.

I was lying in bed last night, waiting for Max to fall asleep, thinking of all of you out there. You don't know it, maybe, but just the thought that you all check on us, wonder how the boys are doing, post comments, and simply think of us every once in a while felt to me like a cloud of goodness I was resting upon in the night.

When I was a youngster, I wanted nothing more than to travel - to know people from all over the world and have a sense of the whole planet being my home. I sought out pen pals from all over the place - France, Japan, India, Costa Rica, Canada and the US from what I can recall - and eagerly awaited their letters in the mail. I had my paper correspondence then, and later I was able to travel - to Japan, Canada, around the US, Brazil and China. Since returning to the States back in 2002, I have felt disconnected from the global community. But suddenly, through this little blog I started so my friends and family afar could see Max and Shoghi, I feel like my connection to people in other cultures, countries, and communities is growing.

So, I just wanted to say thanks. To my friends and my family, to those I've met online, and to those of you who I haven't met yet, I appreciate your interest and caring, and wanted you to know that it makes a difference in our life.

Warmly,
Celeste

messfast

2010-01-06T22:39:00.000-08:00

This right here is why we have eggs for breakfast almost every day. Max is a very, very messy eater. It's really a full body experience for him.

While we're on the topic of breakfast, it took me a while to figure it out, but Max's word for eggs is "wee". Very cute.

On this particular morning, we were having cream of wheat with chopped dates and raspberries. Yummy in the mouth, pretty disgusting all over a squirmy toddler. You know this is why I have to drink so much coffee, right?

mid-way through breakfast...

and here at the end... (he's talking about Auntie leaving for work)

calling it in

2010-01-04T14:13:00.006-08:00

Sometimes you just have to call in favors. Yesterday was one of those days. It wasn't a bad day for me, but Max was finally back to his normal goofball self at the same time that poor Shoghi fell under the curse of whatever illness is going around. Laurie pointed out this morning that it seems like the second twin to get sick over here always gets something worse... why is that? Shoghi is burning up with fever and completely lethargic, and poor Max just wanted both of our attention for playing. I asked on facebook (also known as facecrack to those of us who spend most of the day alone with children and feed our desire for connection through our daily postings) if anyone could take Max for a while, and sure enough, soon I had both a friend to take him out and another friend saying she'd bring over dinner. Seriously, how lucky am I??

You know the best part of it? It's when the favor you need ends up making someone else's day better! Here's Korin's post about taking Max and her daughter shopping yesterday.

pool in the kitchen

2010-01-04T14:00:00.000-08:00

If there's one thing I know about getting through the day, it's that late afternoons before dinner time are of critical planning importance. No matter if the little fellas wake up from afternoon nap at 2:30 or 4, they whine, cling, and cry their way through until dinner is on the table. By this time, I am also tired, and sadly, I rarely have a solid dinner plan. I do a lot of wandering around the kitchen, looking blankly into the cabinets the same way a person like me might look under the hood of a car, dumbly expecting the solution to emerge with neon lights and a happy little tune.

As I enter this new year, I have rededicated myself to planning this time of day ahead of time. I have reserved Sunday nights for menu planning, and unlike many of my friends who only make dinner menus, mine will include all three meals plus snacks. How much easier is my life going to be when I know what needs to be cooked when, which snacks to pack up or set on their little table, and what meals are on the way? It is a relief just thinking of it.

Last week, the whining was really wearing me down. Typical meal-prep video distraction was not working. I was too tired to try to make dinner with one 30-pounder on my back and another 20-pounder in my arms.

making dinner is challenging with only one hand.

I ran out in the rain and grabbed the summertime wading pool, flicking off those ugly Portland slugs as I jogged towards the door. I carried it in over the pulling hands and whiny cries and dumped it on the floor, then put two small bins filled with warm, soapy water into the pool right in the kitchen and let the boys go at it.

We turned up the heat, stripped off their clothes and dropped in some toys, and I bought myself 20 minutes to get dinner ready. Granted, it resulted in a wet floor and extra cleanup for me, but this is definitely a trick to remember for hard days that I will no doubt be using again.

weekend contrast

2010-01-03T12:17:00.006-08:00

Back when I was first really learning about the law of attraction, I learned about contrast. That is, I learned that sometimes the things that are resonating as DON'T WANTs are there to provide you the contrast to see what you DO want. You might have a dishwasher you hate. Either you can focus your attention in a negative way on the situation, saying over and over "I hate this stupid dishwasher," or you can choose to create an alternative in your head, so you might say instead, "Wow, this is dishwasher of my dreams!" even as you are loading an unloading the current one. You're not denying that you have a crappy dishwasher, but you're focusing instead on the dishwasher you wish to have. What you're going for is to elicit the emotion you wish to have in relation to your dishwasher (or whatever). Does that make sense? It's a little Depression Era psychology, perhaps... a little trick of the mind.

Weekends are a particularly contrast-ful for me. My sister who lives with me and the boys works on the weekend days, and most of my friends here spend family time on the weekend, doing chores around the house, spending time together, going on outings. This leaves me by myself with the boys most of the time. I often find myself throwing a little weekend pity party out of loneliness and the wish that I had someone I was sharing this with.

It's just not how I ever imagined I'd be raising children. Having been married before, I had every expectation that I would be hanging around in my pajamas with my hubby and kids, drinking hot coffee, eating a warm breakfast, shuffling around the house on Sundays (at least sometimes). It's the feeling I liked to cultivate when I was married, and it's the resonant memory of my childhood home. Instead, it's just another day, and if the boys are particularly whiny or bored, it makes me all the more grumpy that there isn't anyone else who can just take over as their parent for a moment.

I guess it would be different (jeez, soooo different) if I was working, and the only long days I had together with the boys were on the weekend. It surely will soon come to pass that this becomes our rhythm, and realizing this gave me pause.

As I was driving today, I was thinking about all of this, and I remembered someone's recent facebook (or was it on mothering?) comment where they were remarking how we often don't see a milestone until it's past. It made me think that these long days of babbling, whining, playing, toddling, and diapers are indeed fleeting, and that there are things I will miss when they've moved onto other things which will, no doubt, bring me equal amounts of delight and frustration. It's just life, and time, and we don't get to do this again, no matter how tired or bored or lonely the mama feels.

Maybe I'll try to think up something special (and free) that we can do every weekend. Since a relaxing day with a life partner isn't happening right now, I should think of a way to give to the boys in a fun and memorable way. I need to set the stage for the emotion I desire.

In the end, all these months of weekend loneliness have brought me to this place. It's provided me with contrast, showing me what I ultimately wish for --- the relaxed, homey feeling of my childhood Sundays. My task now is to figure out how to make it happen - to create the emotion I wish for, rather than dwell on the feeling of lack.

Tell me, what are your happy weekend routines and traditions? Have you ever blogged about it? Let's hear your ideas!

dead mall

2010-01-02T19:15:00.002-08:00

People often say to me "I don't know how you do it." I'm sure most of the time, it's meant as a kind of compliment, or as a form of support. Sometimes it touches a nerve, though, as if I am up against some kind of impossible task -- this version of hearing is more of a reflection of my own self-frustration at not doing better at coordinating our daily life. It shouldn't seem so daunting to take care of two kids. I shouldn't be so lazy, tired, or whatever other self-defeating word comes to mind.

The fact is, just like most of the parents I know, I'm making it up as I go. I have a lot of good moments, though sometimes the bad moments seem much louder. I have routines that have worked for several months, and new possible additions several times a week. Toddlers have their own timelines for development, and what might work for one of my twins might not work for the other.

Although it's been a mild winter here in Portland, it's been nearly impossible for me to bring the boys outside to play more than twice in the past 3 or 4 weeks. They still resort to crawling when they're in a new environment, and all the rain has just made it too wet and cold for them to get that wet. Besides, they both have colds.

We all get a little stir crazy at home, but with all the school kids on vacation, I haven't felt comfortable taking them to the science museum's discovery room or the play area at the big mall. Being by myself, I just spend all my time corralling the boys, and that's really no fun for any of us.

Last week in a moment of desperation, I loaded us up and went to our closest mall where our Target is located. We almost never venture outside Target, the mall is just a vast, dark, one-story ghost land. When you google this particular defunct shopping center, deadmalls.com is one of the first entries.

Imagine my happiness, then, to realize that this is the perfect location for the boys to blow off some steam. We park the stroller at the tiny play area, but I let the boys run around. When other people are around, they don't seem to mind the squeals and squeaky shoes - they ask questions about twins and tolerate the boys with a smile.

Here's Shoghi at the entrance of the weird Asian-style portrait studio shopfront. His newest word is "flower."

At this mall, I can let the boys run around in the halls in opposite directions. It's great to be able to let them have such a wide berth.

Max, so confident on his legs now, walks towards the door to Home Depot.

resolution

2010-01-01T22:00:00.000-08:00

I've never been much of a resolutions person. As a teen and young adult when these kinds of rituals get established, I suppose, I felt more like I was straddling two calendars. As a young Baha'i, I saved my heart for Naw-Ruz on March 21st... it always felt like a better time for resolutions, being the first of spring. Without a real sense of greater community and culture behind it, though, my dedication to marking the beginning of a year began to fade, especially as I became more and more enmeshed in Chinese culture and began celebrating yet another new year on the lunar Spring Festival. For several years, I've also been using the renewing energy of the Aries new moon to launch my true resolutions and focus on what I wish to come to pass in the form of a treasure map (or vision board). I love this ritual and plan to revive it this year!

Now that I have kids, and maybe more importantly now that I am trying to regain my sanity after a year plus of being a mom of twins, marking the new year with some kind of a plan seems refreshingly appropriate. I feel like it's a time to a least set one big intention and imagine what I want to be saying on New Year's Eve a year from now.

My wish for myself, and my resolution for the year to come is to find my Voice again. For so long my life was ruled by the deep and all-consuming desire to be a mother - that was the voice I most identified with. I knew what my goal was, and now I have these two beautiful children.

Now for many months I have been struggling to find what's next. I'm so busy and generally overwhelmed, I haven't been able to really hear what I even want. Do I want to continue staying home full time? Do I want to pour myself into making Bamboo Village Press a business that sustains us financially? Do I want another child? Do I want to stay in Portland with my chosen community, or does my constant guilt over not being close to the elders in my family need to be acted upon? By the end of the year, I would love to know the whispers of my deepest heart on these matters, and allow them to emerge as clear, joyful intention.

Often when I think of blogging, I feel full of complaints. I want to vent and moan about how hard this is, about how I have no idea how to keep going, about how lost I feel. I don't want to be that voice, though, which is why I often remain silent. I don't want to be mistaken for someone who is not living on a strong foundation of abiding gratitude. I don't want my friends and family to interpret my frustrations and think that their abundant support isn't already enough. Half the time I go to post an update on Facebook, I end up deleting it for fear that all I do there is give voice to my discontent.

Last night, I decided that I do have a positive story to tell - one that is genuine and perhaps even helpful. I've decided to focus for a while on our daily strategies - I think this will help me to acknowledge the things that are working as I try to continually provide an interesting, fun place for the boys to learn and grow, as well as the things I do for myself to engage my voice, creativity, and sisu! It should help to ground me in our daily successes, rather than give in to the feeling of exhausted defeat I often feel. I'm even hoping to interview some other toddler moms and mama entrepreneurs to learn their tips and tricks. I hope by the end of the year, this will have unfolded into a story of successfully learning to guide the boys and myself into the next phase of living!

Happy New Year to all of you - thank you for continuing to ride along with me on this crazy journey!

Finnish Pulla

2009-12-24T07:48:00.006-08:00

I love baking bread. Activating the yeast, preparing the warm dough, and kneading it until it's just the right sort of springy, firm consistency... it's an act that grounds me in food-making as I engage muscles and grit to put it together. I don't think there's any cooking I do that I enjoy so much.

Two days ago, I baked some Finnish Pulla for the first time since I was pregnant. This is my favorite bread recipe - it brings my grandma into my kitchen with me every time I make it, and it's always a crowd pleaser. When I got a text message on Tuesday announcing the homebirth of my Finnish friend's baby (and the boys' nanny for over a year), I immediately opened to my hand-written recipe and started in on the dough. It took about 12 hours for me to finish the whole process - the reality of making it with two toddlers under foot was pretty much as chaotic as I expected, but with three of my friends giving birth to babies in the past month, and two of them Finnish, I was determined to get it done. Sadly, one of these friends is in China right now, but the other two families got fresh sweet cardamom bread yesterday. It was a joy to put it into their hands! Here's the recipe:

Cardamom Bread - Finnish Pulla

1 package dry active yeast
1/4 cup warm water
1 cup scalded milk
1/2 cup sugar
2 beaten eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cardamom
1/4 teaspoon mace or nutmeg
2 teaspoons salt
1/2 cup soft butter
5 1/2 - 6 cups of flour (use white, spelt, or a combination of whole wheat and white)

Soften yeast in water with a teaspoon of sugar.

Combine milk, salt, sugar, and butter in a large mixing bowl. Cool to lukewarm and stir in 2c flour. Add eggs and beat well. Stir in yeast, mace, cardamom, and remaining flour until dough forms. Turn onto a floured surface and knead for 8-10 minutes, until a springy, firm dough forms. It will still be slightly sticky - this will lessen as the dough rises.

Clean out and oil bowl, then set dough in bowl. Oil or butter the top of the dough if desired, and cover with a damp towel. Allow dough to double in size, then punch down. Divide dough into two balls, cover and rest for 10 minutes. Divide one ball into thirds, and roll each into a strand about 12-15" long. Pinch top ends together and braid, pinching bottom ends and folding under loaf. Allow to rise to double size, then bake 20-25 minutes at 350 degrees, until top is golden brown. Brush butter on hot bread and allow to cool before slicing.

Perfect with hot coffee or toasted with butter and jam.

Some people like to frost this bread with a confectioner's sugar glaze, while others brush on an egg wash before baking. I prefer it without these, myself.

My next bread is going to be challah, I think. I would really love to be baking bread weekly, but we'll see how that goes. Do you have a favorite bread recipe you'd like to share?

Enjoy, and Happy Holidasys!

a month in photos

2009-12-23T18:41:00.002-08:00

Well, here I am, so many weeks since a post, and all I'm going to do is show you some photos. How lame! But really, it's been so incredibly busy, I just haven't had any time. Within a couple of weeks, I hope to have a new childcare situation for the boys a few days a week, and maybe that will give me time during the day to get so much done that at night I can go back to writing our little story.

It's amazing to me that December isn't over and yet so much has happened in these three weeks of the month! I now have two walking boys on my hands, and I couldn't be happier about it. I love to see them picking up strength and speed on their little legs. We've got more words, more signing, more tantrums, more picky eating... in short, all the things you'd expect from two vibrant, healthy toddlers. I love these guys so much, and I am so lucky to have them. So here you go - a link to my December photo set - just click the photo. Enjoy!!

the bright side of these brothers

2009-12-06T18:33:00.003-08:00

Hey, so I'm really ok... I just have to blow off a little steam every now and then! Yes, the sleep thing does really get to me, but if you know me in person, you know that I have a tendency to stress out a little too easily, so no worries.

As the boys get older, it's so awesome to see these little glimmers emerging of their relationship as brothers. They play peek-a-boo several times a day, and belly button tickling is an endless source of brother giggles. They chase each other down the hall, play imitation games at meals, and make each other laugh with their antics.

see this? it's my BELLY!

Belly? That's cool, but wait... PEEK-A-BOOOOOOO!!!

Equally present and increasingly problematic is the inevitable sibling rivalry... or maybe it's not rivalry yet, but it's more the fact that they're not problem solvers in time yet. When one sees something the other one is playing with, he becomes fascinated and wants to take it immediately, despite the fact that the same toy might be sitting beside him. It's a source of a lot of crying, hair pulling, pushing and biting. I'm dealing with it in stride, I think... our worst biting problem is not from these situations of frustration but either tiredness or affection. Shoghi's expression in the form of locking his jaws on people has been going on for 6 months now, and I really haven't yet found a working strategy for handling it.

So, anyway, in and around the things that challenge me, there are the bright, lovely times that remind me that pulling out all my reserves (every day!) is worth it, and that I am on the path I love, even when it's hard. I am so lucky to be a mama, and even more so to get to be mama to these two amazing boys. I love them so much!

all belly buttons, all the time

not so fast

2009-12-05T14:24:00.007-08:00

i finally gave in and let m have a second nap at 3:30 after his 20-minute nap from 11:30-11:50.

Well, I don't know about this one nap thing. The boys are clearly not ready for it. I'd show you the pictures and video I took during our extremely LONG and WHINY day yesterday, but the tears and snot would probably gross you out, and the whining in the video might just split your eardrums. I'd probably lose my entire readership in one post.

too tired to even eat lunch at 11am, we resorted to bottles with some rice cereal added to fill up hungry, sleepy tummies.

So, yeah. Today we're back to two naps. The little guys were so exhausted from the change, which was expressed by Max in his verbal/emotional way (i.e. lots of crying and whining) and by Shoghi in his physical/kinetic way (i.e. lots of biting). I guess for now I'm just going to have to find a peaceful place in my heart about not having any time by myself during the day. I think it must be in there, but it's very, very small. I need time alone - I needed it before having children, and even more so now that I'm using every neural connection to try to succeed at finding my way in this phase of my life. In short order, I'm going to have to get brave and accept some of the childcare help that's been offered... if you and I are friends on facebook, you no doubt know what I mean, since most of my chatter about this subject gets directed there.

What that means is that Bamboo Village is taking over the downstairs. All kinds of things find their way into the boys' hands. Prototypes of new designs for the spring are lying in various states of production, and all flat surfaces seem to be gathering more and more layers of items to be packed, made into final products, photographed or put away. It's kind of crazy, but with the boys at my feet all day, what else can I do?

a ruler's not dangerous, right?
that was yesterday... just look at those tired eyes!

max today with his smart new haircut - behind him you can see one of my double happiness fish towels

Today I had to take the boys to get yet another haircut. All the food in the long hair is pretty gross. Turns out, today is exactly a month since their first haircuts. Max's hair is so thin, it probably won't need a trim for a while, but I had them cut Shoghi's hair extra short, since it grows so very fast.

To be honest, even though S looks adorable with his new do, I'm not so crazy about this truly boyish style. It just seems so tough somehow... too hard? Too mature? I don't know... for some reason, it brought forward a lot of thoughts and fears about having a rough and tumble boy... I am having such a hard time teaching Shoghi to be gentle - Max currently has three nasty bruises from Shoghi biting him. It'll grow on me, I know... there was just a little shock seeing him look so different today!

down to one

2009-12-03T21:31:00.004-08:00

Hey, thanks for all the birthday wishes! It was such a lovely day, and your kind words went straight to my heart!

It's been such a hectic time here. Napping has been way off for both the little fellas, with Max showing clear signs that he just won't sleep for more than a combined 11-12 hours per 24 hours. My ability to get stuff done for Bamboo Village was seriously diminished by having many days in a row of absolutely no alone time as the boys were snoozing at different times, not to mention being able to achieve the basics of, oh, you know... minor things like washing diapers or cooking meals.

Finally I decided three days ago that it's time to switch from two naps a day to one... or at least try it and see what happens. It's unfortunate for little Shoghurt, or "sho-du" as Max calls him -- he's a very happy sleeper, and adores his morning and afternoon nods.

So far, it's going fairly well. Max still hasn't had a day of napping for more than 90 minutes, and is still waking up between 5 and 6am, much to my dismay. Today we made morning stops at two friend's homes, and by 11am when we got home for lunch, Shoghi just couldn't make it a second longer. Laurie and I laughed hysterical but sympathetic bursts while the little fella struggled to keep his eyes open... we tried jiggling him, feeding him, standing him up on his feet, but his eyes kept rolling, and finally he dropped off to dreamland while I was changing his diaper. It was so pathetically funny. I was very bummed that my camera was without batteries! It was super sweet.

So, now that our visits with family and friends are over until my parents come in February (we can hardly wait!), I'm trying to get the house back in order, pack some things for our upcoming move, keep these active boys entertained, and tend to my lovely Bamboo Village. I even managed to post over there today about some of the creative projects in the works, as well as some brief words on the challenges of doing this with the boys under foot.