30 days: love

The truth for Day 2 is something you love about yourself.

Maybe it's because I'm, well, OLD, but this one comes easily, too. If there's one thing I love about being me, it's the way my creative mind works. I guess this is probably the same for all of us - there's got to just be something in each of us that drives our individual forms of creativity and registers as pleasurable in our brains. For me, though, that spark is ignited in the form of making.

I've been a maker-of-things since I was little. I remember well begging scraps of polyester from the bolts in my grandparents garage, cutting out circles, and making poodle-style skirts for my dolls. Paper dolls, embroidered pillows, ornaments, weaving... I'd make things for my younger siblings, friends, and parents.

My pursuit of making isn't limited to a single medium - I'm just as happy plunging my hands into wet clay or a vat of paper-making material as I am sewing bits of fabric into a quilt. I work contentedly with xacto blades and silk screen presses. I love the thinking aspect of it - guesswork over measurements, moment-by-moment evolution over planning. It's how I create the tangible, and it's also how I have lived my life.

This style of make-and-do also makes me something of a jack of all trades, which has both up and down sides. It's made it challenging for me to focus on a single discipline professionally, since what I love most about work is the learning. I have been equally engaged as an ESL teacher and a marketing director. In college, I loved my chosen field of international development, but wondered if it wouldn't be better to study psychology, or English, or art.

At this point in my life, I am facing yet another professional rebirth - going back to work after a 3-year absence. I'm nearly 40 and have no defined career. No 401k, no retirement savings... and it seems, now that I have two children, that it's probably time to knuckle down and settle on something.

I have postponed my application to a MA in teaching ESL for over a year - a course of study I could do easily but without much inspiration. Now I have found the program of my dreams, and like my long process of becoming a mother, it has led me to examine not just the what-I-can-do of life, but the what-I-long-to-do. It's a risk, but I'm ready to jump off the cliff once and for all. I am applying for an MFA - it gives my stomach a little tug every time I think it - a Masters of Fine Arts. Daring, isn't it, to say this is the thing that makes me special, and then go pursue it with every last shred of energy and resource we have?

This Friday, I am taking another step in the direction of LIVE WHAT YOU LOVE - I'm meeting with someone from the grad school I am going to attend. In the midst of the tremors of insecurity that are plaguing our daily lives right now, this is my light at the end of the tunnel. Just like the risks involved in pursuing motherhood while I was (am) single, pursuing a career in the creative arts seem daunting, but honestly, it's the only thing that feels right.

carve

We've been back in Oregon for over a week now, and that week was such a gift. My mom came back with us, giving me a whole lot of time to clean, find buried paperwork, move rooms around (Shoghi, Max, and I are all back to sharing one room), and work on new items for my next farmer's market appearance on 8/15.

Back in the spring, I discovered a new creative hobby - hand carving stamps for printing. I did three of them, beets, a pomegranate, and a pear.

one of my three original carvings - pear

After that initial burst of inspiration, my tools sat idle, despite the fact that I toted them around, even taking them with me to Massachusetts.

While Mom was here, though, I had some time alone (in a cafe while a flat tire was being repaired), and found my hands immediately knew just what to do. I made three new designs, just like that, and I am so pleased with them!

I got right to work printing, then redesigned my card backs and created new textile prints.

i found a zigzag stitch font to use on my card backs - love it!
i'm going to use this branding now "hand crafted" for everything i make - this is the umbrella brand under which 70s home and bamboo village press will fall.

i printed the apple and strawberry on fabric, then turned them into iron-ons for these infant/toddler shirts. i'll be carrying the patches, too, so folks can make their own.


strawberry!

i just finished this zucchini - i haven't printed it except this test print.

A boundless thanks to my mom (and my dad, who spent the week missing her). Now that I have some new images to work with, my booth is going to be all the better! The next 10 days are going to be filled with time at the sewing machine, working on produce bags, since I am all out!

on the cutting board

Took a few moments today while the boys were napping to unpack, iron and cut some new fabrics for produce and bulk food shopping bags. I nearly sold out at my last appearance at our neighborhood farmer's market, so I'd better get busy! I'm loving the green and black ticking fabric I got just before flying to MA - it's such a classic household look, plus it's woven fabric rather than printed, which I feel is a bonus. I'm really enjoying woven cottons these days, for their warp-and-weft feeling, their kitchen handiness, and simple beauty.

tiptoeing back

I'm out of the swing of posting again, and my camera... oh, my camera. It's still not working. I'm relying totally on swiping photos from Laurie.

my garden prayer flags, hanging up at the farmer's market

Well, Farmer's Market weekend went well, but sheesh, everything is in a shambles as a result of the time I put into getting ready! I stumbled downstairs yesterday and looked around, and literally every square foot of this place is a disaster. I started in one spot while the boys napped, and didn't get much farther than that. At least it's a beginning.

This morning, today looked to be shaping up into a nightmare, but I have to say, it was a really nice day for me and the boys. After 3 agonizing hours of sibling rivalry, I loaded us up and we went to Old Wives' Tales for breakfast. It was almost totally empty. The boys played joyfully together in their awesome play room, and stood on the wooden sailboats to look out the window at the construction equipment with deep interest. We played together, ate a gorgeous meal, and headed home for naps.

In the late afternoon, Korin and I took all the kids to OMSI, where I let the boys run around the discovery room. They had a blast, and I got to practice letting out my tether on them as they ran from one activity area to another while I tried to keep both of them in my lines of sight. They had a blast, we got to pick up Laurie after work, and we all came home and had an easy dinner and bedtime.

More on the market experience soon - I don't want to forget about it before my next booth date - 6/27.

no idle hands here

Just thought I'd pop in to say I probably won't be writing until Sunday. First, my camera's batteries are dead. Second, every spare moment is going into preparing for this Sunday's opening day at Montavilla Farmer's Market, where I will be one of the two artisans sharing a booth. I'm really excited and nervous. I've invested a LOT of time and goodly amounts of the money I have left into getting ready. I'll be there three times this summer, and I hope my items are well-received.


I've got some cloth produce bags made and something new, as well, these lovely garden prayer flags I made for our own garden last week. I've got 4 done, and I hope to have 10. I have SO MUCH to do before Sunday morning... and only 6 more babysitter hours in which to get it all done. Of course I'll have other farmer's market-themed cards and journals, and my printed things from Bamboo Village Press, but my focus has been on making these cloth items.

nourish

Wish me luck!

just one thing

as adults, there are many things we need to accomplish on any given day. as parents, that list increases exponentially, and as working-from-home parents, the number of things-to-do seems endlessly growing. because everything is at home, you never get a break like you do when leaving things at an office. when you are trying to stay afloat in this scenario and are living with Depression, it's a whole lot harder.

my own energy for concentrated attention in the few free moments i get during the day is very limited. it's like you're standing in the middle of a hurricane of noise, activity, and emotional need (produced by two toddlers), and all of a sudden everything stops and you expect yourself to get right to work. the house is in a shamble, and there are a hundred uncompleted tasks piled up everywhere, and your mind and body are still humming with movement. since i started working at home in the winter, the amount of visual, mental, and physical clutter has mounted and now has finally overwhelmed me. the boys seem to be echoing the lack of calm back to me, as in the past several days there has been a huge upswing in toy-throwing. i have taken to eliminating the toys one-by-one from our play space as they are tossed around.

this has all resulted in a decision. for the next month, i am going to drastically simplify things around here. even though it feels like a huge responsibility i am failing to uphold, i am going to put the cloth diapers away for one month. washing has become something for me to avoid, and has led to a lot of stress for me.

rather than telling myself that today i will (for example) be present for the boys, reply to emails, bake, sew, do wash, hang clothes on the line, screen print, and package and mail orders from my shops, i will force myself to do just one of the non-parenting things on my list. it's actually incredibly hard for me to work in this way - i'm much more of an impulsive do-er. i am going to have to do a major cleaning and somehow box and organize all of my in-progress projects. i have to be ready with everything i need for my artisan booth at opening day of our farmer's market on 6/13, and i actually feel fearful that by putting things away, i won't get anything done at all.

the reality is, though, that i am already in way over my head and feeling ineffective at accomplishing my tasks.

we'll see how it goes. please send your prayers and helpful energies my way - i really need some calm and support!

back on track

ssshhhhh.... for the first time since my twinnies were little babes, i'm sitting in bed next to a sleeping child, using my computer. every keystroke sounds terribly loud.... if he wakes, i'll have to abandon the post!

well, almost all of you know me on facebook, but i wanted to remember what it's been like for me to emerge from the darkness of chemical depression, and record what's been happening for me lately.

most of the time i do write about the boys, don't i... because i figure that's what everyone's interested in. but as their mama, i have been, and of course will continue to be on quite a journey.

as soon as i became pregnant, every spark of creative energy seemed to leave my mind and settle in my womb. it surprised me (ok, and really kind of made me sad) that i had no desire to create for my future children. no knitting teeny garments, no quilting, no calligraphy... nothing. well, you know, there was the 3,000 mile move, the living with friends for 6 months, the early birth of the boys, the nursing, the help with nursing, the sleeplessness.... but you know.... besides all of THAT, i really didn't do much of anything.

so to find that now, at a time when my babies are fully into being toddlers, and still have no creative juice flowing... well, it was just sad. and on top of that the depression... when i finally found a better dose of my prescription, it all came pouring back. seriously, in the 3 weeks since i've been feeling better, i have been so inspired - things have just poured through me - my hands have found their way to making new things i've never even tried before.

i opened a second etsy shop: 70s Home. did you all even know i had one originally? well, since nothing has been new in there for quite a while, i just felt it was stagnant, but soon there will be new designs in bamboo village press, too. and so it goes - change your thoughts, change your life. this time i needed some help to get my thoughts pointing in a better direction, but all of a sudden, out of seemingly nowhere, i have energy, inspiration, work, and a little bit of income.

we found a guy who agreed to come put in a raised bed for us in our rental home's backyard - he did the work in trade for some food i cooked for him. then, seriously out of the blue, a woman contacted me through bamboo village press and asked me to make her wedding invitations for her. after doing a quote, this lead didn't fizzle... in fact, i just finished them today, and honestly, i want to cry when i see them... something i drew by hand ended up on this couple's invitations! the colors, the gold embossing i did by hand... all of it... these are really some of the prettiest things i have ever made with my hands. i am so moved. the pictures i have taken so far really don't capture just how pretty they are. i sat there, doing a job a lot of people might find tedious, thinking "i love doing this" - i think this might be the first time i have truly felt this so deeply as my calling.

so now that the invitations are done, i am going full force into preparing for this weekend. my wonderful sister had her own moment of inspiration when we realized how much the new garden was costing (which i seriously cannot afford right now), and suggested we have a craft sale/open house. it's going to be 2 days - this sunday and the following thursday, and i've expanded it to not only cover both of our handmade items, but also a bake sale. i've gotten a ton of long-distance orders for my awesome maple almond and maple cashew granola, and i'll also be baking some fresh bread, and making some sweets as well (like maple butterscotch sauce and world peace cookies). i'm excited - not only will we get to visit with our lovely friends, i'm also going to hang a poster at our local cafe and put an ad on craigslist - it's definitely weird to think about opening our home to the public like this!


in the end, it is wonderful to feel yet again so supported by our friends and family, and it's so great to know that we will have some lovely organic food on our summer and fall table this year - food of a quality that i wouldn't otherwise be able to buy this year. even more, though, it inspires deep, deep gratitude within me that a part of myself has resurfaced. welcome back, happy, hard-working, inspired me - i missed you.

recently speechless

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Posting, both here and on facebook, has felt like a chore - I've been so uninspired, despite the fact that a lot is going on! We've been so busy... perhaps it's just that. Anyway, sorry for being a bad blog-keep.

I'm in a big transition in my personal life, as I've mentioned before. Aside from the constant (and wonderful) evolution of my mama-life, I find myself unsure of my next step professionally. I started a business in the spring, and find myself not wanting to grow it much beyond where it is. Every few months, I get to work with a small group of amazing women entrepreneurs, sharing my knowledge of marketing and coaching them to become clear about their business values and core. This has been a real pleasure, but I thought I would grow this business into a small marketing firm, and now that feels very unappealing. Keeping the business at its current size won't support this family, though.

Maybe this is part of why I haven't been writing here - it's hard to have a professional online presence and then talk about aspects that I find unsatisfying. I'm afraid to come across in a way that would make my friends and clients think I'm not happy about working with them, which isn't true. I am also resistent to the tension between running a business for the love of the work and having to make a certain amount of money. I know other small business owners also struggle with this - wanting the work to be about passion and not about the bottom line. I have owned several micro-businesses in the past, but never had to rely on one as my sole source of income... and I have learned in the past few months that at this point in my life, that tension comes at the detriment of the work.

As a result, I've been working with my wonderful friend and life coach to get clear about what does feel good. Keeping the workshop going but teaching it as a service and as a little extra income feels like a choice with integrity for me. I've been looking at going back to school for a Master's degree, too, and if the finances look like they're going to work, I'll be going back to school in January for a degree that will allow me to teach English as a Second Language in colleges and private institutions both here and abroad. I'm not 100% about this decision yet, but it is evolving as the likely path.

I have found that blogging about life challenges on this particular blog has resulted in anonymous commenters admonishing me for complaining. I have written in other places before during huge transitions, and was amazed to find myself surrounded by support - some of the people who I "met" through that old blog are now my close friends. So to talk about the challenges of motherhood and life here - on a blog about single parenting - and find myself criticized... well, it kind of took the wind out of my sails. I believe in telling the truth - and I believe that it is through being real about the things that challenge us that we can truly connect with other people. I've never shied away from talking about the major tests in my life before, and I think that the story I am telling here for myself and for my children is best told with all the facets of experience intact.

So, there you have it. Hopefully getting it out there that I've been hitting up on this wall will help me break through and actually start writing again.