I don't see much point in continuing to describe the play-by-play in our land of (not) sleep... I imagine everything is going to change tomorrow anyway. Yesterday (Day 4) was pretty good in terms of daytime sleep, but of course it still involved mid-nap bouncing and a 1.5 hour drive in the afternoon. Last night's sleep was completely disastrous. I pretty much lost my sh*t after being up with Shoghi from 10:30-12:45 and 2:15-4:45. Lucky for both of us, he finally fell asleep at 4:45 and slept in until a whopping 7:30. Of course, Max was up at 6:10, so it's not like I got to "sleep in" anyway.
This whole thing really challenges me to the core. I have written before about how I find the emotions of mothering alarming at times, and this issue seems particularly charged for me.
I was asked by email what led to deciding to work on sleep in this way. The simplest explanation is that the boys are each not hitting the 14 hours of sleep needed at this age. It's making Max very fussy, has meant that we have no discernible schedule, and leaves me full of anxiety every night. Basically, Shoghi's nights are a disaster, while Max's days are terrible. Fun for everyone, to be sure. That and the fact that mama needs to get some measure of sleep combined to make me desperate enough to pursue A Plan. If I just had one of them, I'm sure I could make it work, but with both of them, I'm at the end of my rope.
I've decided to go the route of the sleep consultant. I spoke with her for a free phone consultation this morning, describing our situation. I think her rates are pretty affordable, and while I won't have her come to the house, we'll talk on the phone tomorrow for probably over an hour, come up with a plan, and then she will provide me with daily email support as I implement our agreed upon plan. I assume there will be some thickening of my skin involved, for there is certain to be some fussing involved in whatever plan we come up with. She says she will work with me and my comfort level to choose from the range of sleep strategies. I like this - that she draws from everything that's out there. That's how I approach things, too... some aspects of this strategy, a little tool from that philosophy... creating something that will hopefully work for us. She warned me that with twins, it's likely to take more than a week.
So, I guess I'm probably going to abandon my posts about The Schedule, and after my consultation tomorrow, I'll start posting about the new plan. I'll let you know what we're trying and how it goes. Please keep up the encouragements. I take heart knowing that you're all reading and cheering me on... I love to see that there have even been readers from far-off places like Finland, Sweden, India and Morocco. I'd love to hear your take on sleep, and anything I might be missing.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
The Schedule, Day 4
I'm off to sleep early tonight, so no big posty. I will write tomorrow morning after my chat with the sleep consultant! For now, here's a cute, cute photo of little Maxy taking his (5-minute) afternoon nap.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
The Schedule, Day 3
Today was a day that would likely end this experiment for many people. Truth be told, if I hadn't made the "public" commitment here to see this through for a week, I might have thrown in the towel after today's failure to discern any progress. I will persist, though... I will call on my Finnish SISU and get through this week with tenacity of purpose.
I have seen no progress or change in sleep behavior of my darling babies. This is exhausting and I daresay a little demoralizing. Shoghi had three 30 minute naps today, while Max had two naps - one was 30 minutes, and the other was 90, but involved 20 minutes of bouncing mid-nap and I had to hold him for a half an hour to keep him asleep. Clearly, this is not sustainable. They were up several times during the night and woke for the day at 6.
Oh, and just now? A Pyrex baking dish just exploded in our oven. With unset brownie mix in it. So much for comfort food after a shitty few days, huh? sigh.
I have seen no progress or change in sleep behavior of my darling babies. This is exhausting and I daresay a little demoralizing. Shoghi had three 30 minute naps today, while Max had two naps - one was 30 minutes, and the other was 90, but involved 20 minutes of bouncing mid-nap and I had to hold him for a half an hour to keep him asleep. Clearly, this is not sustainable. They were up several times during the night and woke for the day at 6.
Oh, and just now? A Pyrex baking dish just exploded in our oven. With unset brownie mix in it. So much for comfort food after a shitty few days, huh? sigh.
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Schedule, Day 2
Is it going to be totally boring for me to give you daily updates on Executing The Schedule? Well, since I might not even be able to post every day, I'm just not going to worry about it. And since this is my first attempt at real discipline in the daily lives of my children, I'll just jot something down when I can, for posterity.
Day 2 wasn't great.
While our day started off really well with a 7:50 wake-up (which is better than the 6am awakenings I've been getting), the Morning Nap was a flop. Shoghi slept for an hour, but when Max woke up after his typical 30 minutes, I couldn't get him back to sleep.
max visiting in shoghi's crib after morning nap.
look at those red cheeks max has. in the middle of all this sleep madness,
i am also trying to figure out if he has a milk allergy.
we've tried him on soy and powdered goat's milk so far...
let me tell you - the smell of digested goat's milk is NASTY.
tomorrow i'm putting him back on soy.
i don't think i gave it enough time on our last go.
So, when they were both up and fed, we immediately packed them into the car so we could go to a little shopping district for a nice walk in the sun, and I needed to go to a bookstore for a little professional research. Unfortunately, even though they'd both been up for less than an hour, they proceeded to fall asleep in the FIVE MINUTE DRIVE to Hawthorne. Sh*t! I was exasperated and uncertain of what to do. We woke them up, thinking (in error) that they would continue to sleep in the stroller.
Two hours later, at the time they should have been getting ready for afternoon nap, we headed home. Guess what happened: Max fell asleep in the car, while Shoghi had a complete meltdown because he was hungry. So, due to the screaming, we drove right home, and then Max woke up (after sleeping for 5 minutes). He slept for a total of 30 minutes again in the afternoon, giving him total daytime naps of an hour. Worse than usual, and of course he was a complete mess until bedtime at 7. Then, Shoghi crashed from all the crying, slept for 20 minutes, and likewise wouldn't go back to sleep after his bottle. For a total of an hour and 20 minutes of napping. The No Cry Sleep Solution says you don't even count a 30 minute nap, so basically, Max didn't nap at all today. How do you think tonight's going to be?
You might think I'm just crazy or stupid for trying to get them on this schedule without doing some CIO (cry it out). Well, like Devon, I agree that there is a difference between fussing and all-out crying, and I can live with fussing. But crying just seems to violate a trust that I believe is between me and my children. They have their own Self - they have volition, they have sovereignty (so beautifully explained in "Everyday Blessings" by Jon & Myla Kabat Zin), and if they are just left to cry, I feel strongly that I am betraying them, even if my motives are ultimately going to "help" them. They can trust only very few people at this point in their lives, and they have to put their entire existence into my hands. They cannot come to me if they are upset; they cannot call to me except by crying. And while crying takes many forms, and I can distinguish between some of them, I know the cry, the language, the message and meaning of their cry if I leave them to do something (fall asleep) they've never had to do on their own (ok, aside from when they were in the NICU. Let's not return to that time, if you please).
Aside from all this falling asleep theory, there's also the whole dilemma of what to do when they wake up. It would be - ok, it will be -nice if they could fall back to sleep by themselves. During the night, though, I find myself empathising with them: we spend the whole day together, so what if they just want a little touch point in the night? Am I going to leave them to cry back to sleep? I don't think so. I know that when I have shared a bed with a partner, I have often rolled over in the night for the sake of taking comfort in that person's presence. Isn't it strange that the adults will be cuddled up while the babies lie alone? Why shouldn't the babies want the same thing we do? Why shouldn't I give that to them freely? Yes, it will invariably mean that I won't sleep as well, but they will not be so small forever, and if they wake up and we settle back down into a family bed, we'll all have room to return to sleep easily, in the comfort of each others presence.
You may find it funny that I can leave this relationship entirely up to other families to evaluate and choose for themselves - I really do understand the pros of CIO sleep training and know that it can sometimes be just a short transition. I worked as a nanny for years and know the ease of putting a baby to bed who has been trained. I also know the rigors of babycare and leave it to the hopefully throughtful discretion of other parents to choose their path without my judgment. I'm not here to say that my way is right - I just want to share my process and try to explain it the best I can. (I'm not a person big on debating politics, if you hadn't guessed that already).
a simple, small ikea crib is what i chose for both boys
So, here I am... on Night Two of The Schedule... we'll see how it goes. Oh, and as I was explaining to my mom tonight, I am envisioning this as a several-tiered process -we establish the schedule, then we see the boys anticipate their naps and nighttime sleep, then we start decreasing the amount of bouncing, then they are laid in their cribs before they are complely asleep, etc. My ultimate goal is to be able to put them both down in their cribs for whatever sleep they are needing, and allow them to fall asleep themselves. I know they can do this. I know I waited a long time to get to this place... but we were living with another family, and then visiting my family, and then in transition in our new home. This is really our first opportunity, and it feels right to do this slowly and deliberately so I can watch the boys and see how they react to each step of transition.
So there you have it. Day 2. Feels like a long way to go.
Edited To Add: I also wanted to be clear that I have not ruled out sleep training that involves CIO, believe it or not. Maybe that's why this is so hard: I'm considering all options. I just feel like this process I have described is the most in line with my beliefs about my relationship with my boys, so I will pursue it as an experiment and see if we can make it work. I've been doing a lot of independent investigation on sleep, reading materials I had previously frowned upon. Just so's you know... And I know some of you will think I'm feeling like I have to defend myself here... no, it's not really that. I just want to do my best in describing how I'm making these big parenting decisions. There is a lot of debate over these philosophies, and it's important to me that I am clear within myself as to how and why I am choosing this course. Make sense?
Day 2 wasn't great.
While our day started off really well with a 7:50 wake-up (which is better than the 6am awakenings I've been getting), the Morning Nap was a flop. Shoghi slept for an hour, but when Max woke up after his typical 30 minutes, I couldn't get him back to sleep.
max visiting in shoghi's crib after morning nap.look at those red cheeks max has. in the middle of all this sleep madness,
i am also trying to figure out if he has a milk allergy.
we've tried him on soy and powdered goat's milk so far...
let me tell you - the smell of digested goat's milk is NASTY.
tomorrow i'm putting him back on soy.
i don't think i gave it enough time on our last go.
So, when they were both up and fed, we immediately packed them into the car so we could go to a little shopping district for a nice walk in the sun, and I needed to go to a bookstore for a little professional research. Unfortunately, even though they'd both been up for less than an hour, they proceeded to fall asleep in the FIVE MINUTE DRIVE to Hawthorne. Sh*t! I was exasperated and uncertain of what to do. We woke them up, thinking (in error) that they would continue to sleep in the stroller.
Two hours later, at the time they should have been getting ready for afternoon nap, we headed home. Guess what happened: Max fell asleep in the car, while Shoghi had a complete meltdown because he was hungry. So, due to the screaming, we drove right home, and then Max woke up (after sleeping for 5 minutes). He slept for a total of 30 minutes again in the afternoon, giving him total daytime naps of an hour. Worse than usual, and of course he was a complete mess until bedtime at 7. Then, Shoghi crashed from all the crying, slept for 20 minutes, and likewise wouldn't go back to sleep after his bottle. For a total of an hour and 20 minutes of napping. The No Cry Sleep Solution says you don't even count a 30 minute nap, so basically, Max didn't nap at all today. How do you think tonight's going to be?
You might think I'm just crazy or stupid for trying to get them on this schedule without doing some CIO (cry it out). Well, like Devon, I agree that there is a difference between fussing and all-out crying, and I can live with fussing. But crying just seems to violate a trust that I believe is between me and my children. They have their own Self - they have volition, they have sovereignty (so beautifully explained in "Everyday Blessings" by Jon & Myla Kabat Zin), and if they are just left to cry, I feel strongly that I am betraying them, even if my motives are ultimately going to "help" them. They can trust only very few people at this point in their lives, and they have to put their entire existence into my hands. They cannot come to me if they are upset; they cannot call to me except by crying. And while crying takes many forms, and I can distinguish between some of them, I know the cry, the language, the message and meaning of their cry if I leave them to do something (fall asleep) they've never had to do on their own (ok, aside from when they were in the NICU. Let's not return to that time, if you please).
Aside from all this falling asleep theory, there's also the whole dilemma of what to do when they wake up. It would be - ok, it will be -nice if they could fall back to sleep by themselves. During the night, though, I find myself empathising with them: we spend the whole day together, so what if they just want a little touch point in the night? Am I going to leave them to cry back to sleep? I don't think so. I know that when I have shared a bed with a partner, I have often rolled over in the night for the sake of taking comfort in that person's presence. Isn't it strange that the adults will be cuddled up while the babies lie alone? Why shouldn't the babies want the same thing we do? Why shouldn't I give that to them freely? Yes, it will invariably mean that I won't sleep as well, but they will not be so small forever, and if they wake up and we settle back down into a family bed, we'll all have room to return to sleep easily, in the comfort of each others presence.
You may find it funny that I can leave this relationship entirely up to other families to evaluate and choose for themselves - I really do understand the pros of CIO sleep training and know that it can sometimes be just a short transition. I worked as a nanny for years and know the ease of putting a baby to bed who has been trained. I also know the rigors of babycare and leave it to the hopefully throughtful discretion of other parents to choose their path without my judgment. I'm not here to say that my way is right - I just want to share my process and try to explain it the best I can. (I'm not a person big on debating politics, if you hadn't guessed that already).
a simple, small ikea crib is what i chose for both boysSo, here I am... on Night Two of The Schedule... we'll see how it goes. Oh, and as I was explaining to my mom tonight, I am envisioning this as a several-tiered process -we establish the schedule, then we see the boys anticipate their naps and nighttime sleep, then we start decreasing the amount of bouncing, then they are laid in their cribs before they are complely asleep, etc. My ultimate goal is to be able to put them both down in their cribs for whatever sleep they are needing, and allow them to fall asleep themselves. I know they can do this. I know I waited a long time to get to this place... but we were living with another family, and then visiting my family, and then in transition in our new home. This is really our first opportunity, and it feels right to do this slowly and deliberately so I can watch the boys and see how they react to each step of transition.
So there you have it. Day 2. Feels like a long way to go.
Edited To Add: I also wanted to be clear that I have not ruled out sleep training that involves CIO, believe it or not. Maybe that's why this is so hard: I'm considering all options. I just feel like this process I have described is the most in line with my beliefs about my relationship with my boys, so I will pursue it as an experiment and see if we can make it work. I've been doing a lot of independent investigation on sleep, reading materials I had previously frowned upon. Just so's you know... And I know some of you will think I'm feeling like I have to defend myself here... no, it's not really that. I just want to do my best in describing how I'm making these big parenting decisions. There is a lot of debate over these philosophies, and it's important to me that I am clear within myself as to how and why I am choosing this course. Make sense?
goings on
We've been a little busy, over here. things have continued to be rather challenging with the boys, so as of yesterday, everything came to a screeching halt as I instituted a Schedule. Here's what I've committed myself to for a week, to see how it goes:
seems simple, right?
Day 1 was yesterday, and it went really well... but then, Day 1 usually goes well.
We had morning naps of an hour, though I had to bounce Max, my 30-minute napper, back to sleep. We had an afternoon nap lasting 2 hours, though admittedly, it was in the car. And bedtime lasted from 7:30pm to 7:50am, with a bottle at 4:50am, though Shoghi was up multiple times, requiring me to bounce him back to sleep three times.
- morning wake-up
- awake for 3 hours, then nap for minimum of one hour
- awake for 3-3.5 hours, then nap for 1-2 hours
- awake until bedtime
- sleep in cribs (yes, part of my plan is for them to sleep in their new cribs)
- upon waking, transfer to bed (hopefully without bouncing back to sleep)
- one middle-of-the-night bottle (usually around 4)
- sleep so that total bedtime is between 11 and13 hours (sleep about 11 hrs)
seems simple, right?
Day 1 was yesterday, and it went really well... but then, Day 1 usually goes well.
We had morning naps of an hour, though I had to bounce Max, my 30-minute napper, back to sleep. We had an afternoon nap lasting 2 hours, though admittedly, it was in the car. And bedtime lasted from 7:30pm to 7:50am, with a bottle at 4:50am, though Shoghi was up multiple times, requiring me to bounce him back to sleep three times.
Today is Day 2, and Max wouldn't go back to sleep after his 30-minute morning nap, despite being up for three hours, and me & Laurie both trying to get him back to sleep. I'm skeptical abut my chances for success already.
I'm actually going to talk to a sleep consultant on Monday. I'm ok with investing time in sleep training, and know pur changes must be gradual since I'm not willing to let them cry it out. I just need a Plan, and some level of confidence that we can succeed.
Meanwhile, we continue to grow teeth, roll, crawl, love books, love playsilk time, enjoy the exersaucer, and love, love, love our solid foods. We've introduced pears, rice, banana, oatmeal, sweet potato, butternut squash, broccoli, beets, and mango. So far they like them all, with the following exceptions: Max doesn't like beets, and Shoghi doesn't care for broccoli.
It's 60* today, so we're headed out for a stroll on Hawthorne!
I'm actually going to talk to a sleep consultant on Monday. I'm ok with investing time in sleep training, and know pur changes must be gradual since I'm not willing to let them cry it out. I just need a Plan, and some level of confidence that we can succeed.
Meanwhile, we continue to grow teeth, roll, crawl, love books, love playsilk time, enjoy the exersaucer, and love, love, love our solid foods. We've introduced pears, rice, banana, oatmeal, sweet potato, butternut squash, broccoli, beets, and mango. So far they like them all, with the following exceptions: Max doesn't like beets, and Shoghi doesn't care for broccoli.
It's 60* today, so we're headed out for a stroll on Hawthorne!
s's two little teeth
shoghi
the boys playing on the floor
a little pig pile Friday, March 6, 2009
too much
In experimenting with a schedule for the boys, I'm learning the hard way that it's very easy to do too much. It screws with their sleep, and thus my mind, and therefore we must stick to our schedule.
This morning started off well enough, with the boys snuggling in bed with me until 7:30. We came downstairs, and after their morning nap, we had a chance to sit together in our big new rocking chair.
This afternoon we went to the park. It might surprise some of you if I say that many of my photos didn't come out well because they were too sun-bleached... that's right, it's spring here in the PNW, and we're loving it.
The boys, however only got to sleep sporadically, and so didn't get their afternoon naps, which threw off our whole evening. Blech. It's really hard to figure out how to take them out these days, since they inevitably fall asleep in the car. Anyway, enjoy the photos - I'm off to bed.
This morning started off well enough, with the boys snuggling in bed with me until 7:30. We came downstairs, and after their morning nap, we had a chance to sit together in our big new rocking chair.
This afternoon we went to the park. It might surprise some of you if I say that many of my photos didn't come out well because they were too sun-bleached... that's right, it's spring here in the PNW, and we're loving it.
The boys, however only got to sleep sporadically, and so didn't get their afternoon naps, which threw off our whole evening. Blech. It's really hard to figure out how to take them out these days, since they inevitably fall asleep in the car. Anyway, enjoy the photos - I'm off to bed.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
setting up shop
Hello friends... where did we leave off? I think I was going on about enjoying housework, following a post about how hard life is? Ah, yes, the continuing saga of life as a mama.So, in the past week, we've added yet another change into our little life: I'm going back to work. Or, rather, I'm opening my home office. I've got someone coming in twice a week, and will add to that as need be. So far, I've had to use quite a bit of babysitting time just to get things set up: I got a desk, started some unpacking, and have been running necessary errands. I've also started reaching out to former professional contacts, and I think it's going well. I'm hopeful that by the end of March, I might have some actual contracted marketing work to do!
In addition to my "professional" life as a marketing freelancer, of course, is my crafty business: Bamboo Village Press. This is my shop on Etsy that I started running two years ago, and I'm rather excited to dust the shop off. I started it in order to support my hopeful (future) NGO Bamboo Village Educational Fund, and it was pretty successful. Now I hope I can bring it back, and maybe expand that craftiness into some other areas. My most successful items were printed with my handy Gocco screen printer, like this Moleskine cahier and this floursack towel. I'm not sure where I'm going to find the time to tackle creative thinking and product development like this, but I'm hopeful that eventually I will be able to support this little family through these two endeavors.
Meanwhile, the growth spurt/teething-related insanity continues. Shoghi now has Tooth and Tooth Jr sprouting up from the bottom, and he's figuring out how to coordinate his movements into something closer to a consistent crawl every day. I know we're not supposed to be adjusting his age anymore, but come on, he's only going on five months adjusted! Compared to other seven month babies, mine are little peanuts, so where's all this advanced stuff coming from? I'd have been content with them staying in one place for a while yet, but that's not what the fates had in mind, is it? He's sure to be into everything in short order. He came crawling for my dinner plate last night and was very, very determined!
Max, on the other hand, continues to just want constant entertainment! That's fun! He may or may not be teething, but he's surely sharpening his rolling abilities by the day. He rolls onto his tummy and promptly becomes agitated. He's still a funny little fellow, though. He is always more likely to give you a good belly laugh, and what's better than baby laughter, anyway? He's also very much into his food. I've got a little video of him and his culinary enthusiasm. Notice the little birdy mouth and the kicking legs. Very cute.
Finally, let's just not even discuss sleep, which is but a distant memory at this time. What happened to my easy nighttime babies? What happened to comfortably co-sleeping, or nursing back to sleep, or waking one or two times a night? This all has been replaced with getting up at least every half an hour for much of the night. Mama is averaging 2-3 hours of (cumulative) sleep every night. To say it sucks is just a complete understatement... but then, we're not discussing sleep, are we?
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