On My Own

So, you've noticed the new header? Well, I had a hard time deciding on the wording, there. I don't think I ever posted much of an introduction here... many of the people reading followed me from my infertility blog or are family, so I sort of bypassed the whole thing. I didn't want to change my profile, since I use the same one for my blog for Bamboo Village Educational Fund, even though that is wildly out of date and I'm not exactly sure when I'm going to be able to get back into it. So, I wanted to say something about who I am and what this blog is about in the header.

The first and probably more obvious choice would be to call myself a single mother. The associations and assumptions that come with that couple of words, however, isn't any way I regard myself, even though for all intents and purposes I am single.

Finally, I settled on "on my own." Ultimately, I am the only parent the boys have, so in that sense, the phrase is entirely accurate... Except that I find myself in a situation where I am surrounded by the most wonderful, miraculously supportive group of family and friends I have ever experienced.

Since moving to Portland in May, I have been invited to stay with friends - and since late June, those friends have been Korin and Ryan. They have opened their home and their lives to me and the babies and my sister. They have sacrificed their own daily rhythm in order to help me first get through my pregnancy, and then adjust to the demands of caring for Maxwell and Shoghi.
It was Korin who took me to the hospital at 1am when my water broke at 28 weeks. They have held my crying babies, nurtured me into motherhood, prepared meals, washed clothes, guided me in cloth diapering and nursing, and so very much more. Their families have embraced and loved us. Their patience and magnanimity have given us a shelter in which to become a family. How could one possibly convey the depth of gratitude that comes with receiving such a gift?

Korin stayed with me during the c-section while Laurie went with the boys.

Ryan with Shoghi in th NICU

Korin, multitasking w/her daughter and Shoghi

here we all are: Ryan, Korin, Ruby, me, Shoghi, Laurie & Maxwell

Even before moving out here, one key relationship gave me daily support and championed my dream of being a mom: the relationship between me and my little sister, Laurie. After separating from my husband in October, Laurie moved in with me and was with me through every step of becoming a mom, from chosing a donor, to being with me for ultrasounds and comforting me at times when it looked doubtful that the pregnancy would continue. She and I would discuss hopes and dreams for hours, watching and listening to inspirational movies, books on CD, and songs. She packed my apartment and stepped out of her comfort zone to support me countless times. When it was clear that I wouldn't be able to make it on the cross-country drive we'd planned for months, she didn't make me feel guilty - instead she made arrangements to do the trip with a friend. After arriving in Oregon, her love and support became as much a part of my experience of becoming a mother as my own gestation and birthing of the boys.

She was the first person other than doctors to meet Shoghi and Maxwell, and she got to be the one to read to them their very first prayers - which would be the first words they heard after being born.

Laurie, right after the boys were born, in the rescussitation room.

Laurie is a core part of their lives and the gift she has given us by being a part of this process will surely cement a love between her and the boys that will have an unmatched intimacy.

A day in the life... Laurie in the background with Max.

This is really only the base level of support I have received. Even my husband, who I remain separated from, has been incredibly supportive of me becoming a mother. He has gifted us with continued health insurance, which is only symbolic of the way he has gracefully and selflessly supported my choice to bring these boys into the world. My brother, my parents, my grandparents... they have all showered our little family with support.

My brother Simon, holding Shoghi on his first visit, in September.

Dad & Mom, aka Popi and Memere, in October with the boys.

My mum w/the twins.

I am also surrounded by the most amazing communities of friends - they believed in me and in this life at times when I never thought it would happen. Jennie; Melanie; Julie; Elizabeth B.; Atika; Doula Jessica; friends at CU ink; the amazing women from my baby shower; dear ones Hilary, Miriam, Jo, Kelly; Beemama; Wise Women Devon, Kate, Hilary, Zannalyn, River, Melanie, Sphinxie... friends who have sent cards and gifts and well-wishes and prayers... the list is so long, it overwhelms me! I love you all!!!

"On my own," then, doesn't at all describe my life. I am beyond grateful for this experience and the sense of abundance and possiblity that has blossomed in my awareness. I know that even if I am always and forever the sole parent for Shoghi and Maxwell, that we will always have an ocean of love and community around us.

candles and beads from my due date group used in my birth blessing.

huggy

It might seem like a small thing, but the boys are growing so much that things are starting to really change... Today when I was holding Max, he put his arm around my neck, for the first time. It was lovely.

le sigh, le progress, le bye-bye

We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog updates to bring you this special report...

first:

On the same day as the boys' "sister"/housemate Ruby got her first haircut, I was crushed to discover that Maxwell is starting to lose his own beautiful newborn locks. His soft, fine red hair is falling out! I'm just so sad - I am really hoping Shoghi's will stay fully planted on his head.

Max, in the hospital, when I first suspected red hair...
Max's bald spot... a sign of impending shiny head?

second:

Tonight I felt completely elated when my champion nurser Shoghi refused to take a bottle. There could be no mistake - he let loose his most resounding cries while Laurie tried to soothe him, and he would only calm down when I came back to take him to nurse! Poor Laurie - Shoghi's a screamer! I was certainly happy with this turn; in recent days he's been getting increasingly less enthusiastic about the bottle, but an outright refusal? Wow, it was awesome to feel that he's really turning a corner with nursing. Now if only my supply would be enough, even enough for one baby... I'll post a more complete nursing update this week.

third:

After a wonderful visit with my whole family of origin last week, my brother Simon and his girlfirend are leaving in the morning. It was so incredible to have everyone here - our relationships all feel so refreshed and even transformed by the boys. I'm sad that the out of towners are all gone home and will miss their presence and sharing the boys with them daily. I'll also miss their amazing help and support...

catching up, part 1

10/16/08 How could it be that 2 weeks have already passed? I guess it's a sign of the times, and a sign of things to come, that I haven't had time to email or post anything here for so long. I've had such poignant thoughts in my head for marking the milestones that came upon us like rain these past 14 days, but attending to the boys, and once in a while myself, made taking such time impossible.... I'm going to try to post about these significant dates in the days to come. Here's the first:

Milestone - 40 weeks - October 2, 2008

Release the Stars

Today marks 40 weeks gestational age for Shoghi and Maxwell - their official estimated due date. We have been together since January 10, 2008, and we've been getting to know each other since.

first ultrasound showing twins.

Way back when I was only a few weeks pregnant, a small group of us tied red strings around our wrists as a symbol of protection for the pregnancy. At the time, the doctors were wondering if the pregnancy would be viable, and it seemed like a gesture to the universe that I intended to carry these babies all the way.

here i am at 31 weeks - a week before they were born...

was i ever this pregnant?

korin, ruby and i on a rare outing on hospital grounds during my time on bedrest

A few days before giving birth to the boys, Korin hosted an intimate birth blessing right in my hospital room. My mother was there, as well as my sister, Korin, and a second friend, Atika. We read all of the blessings from the beads exchanged from my due date group on Mothering, we said prayers and shared wishes and fears. We all tied another red string for a safe birth. (I'll add photos here when I get them from those who attended the blessing)

Well, all these wishes for protection have come to pass - a safe gestation and birth were had, and then a healthy stay in the nicu...

Auntie Laurie & her collection of arm bands

my mom, aka "memere" in the nicu with shoghi

could Max have ever been so small?

...and now that they've been home and reached their full gestational ages, it's time to cut the cord, so to speak.

shoghi and max, first week at home

maxwell & shoghi, 3 days before due date

Tonight, Laurie, Korin and I cut off our bracelets. Mom had cut hers off when the boys came home from the hospital... it feels like these graduated stages of bringing the boys into the world. It was a tearful moment - taking that symbolic step of allowing one stage of protectiveness come to an end. Seeing my two miraculous sons living healthfully in this world of being takes my breath away - I know that as the years go by, layer by layer, I will indeed be releasing them to the influences, the challenges, the triumphs and tests that this life brings. So I make the wish that most parents must make (would that I could say "all parents") -

that my boys find this world to be a kind place,
that they be protected by forces greater than me, that they find joy and friends,
and that they know forever and always how very much they were wanted,
waited for, and cherished, breath by breath, day by day.

May this world receive my children with as much love as went into their creation.

coping and twin access

Deeeeeeep breath. We're on day 3 of our first colds. It's a minor one, but as with everything with twins, it's proving to be more work, more intense, than I could have imagined. The boys are upset by their inability to breathe (who wouldn't be?), and need to be held and snuggled... which isn't easy for one person to do, particularly when that one person also feels like crap. Fortunately, Laurie's here today, so she's cuddling Max now as I nurse Shoghi.

When I'm alone, there are times I just need to stand back and take a deep breath, especially when they are both screaming at the same time. It's just not safe to pick them both up, and how do I choose one over the other? I just lean in really close and talk to them until I've got my wits about me and can figure out how to help them. Here's a video of both boys crying - I know it might seem cruel to capture this, but hey, it's a big part of parenting babies, and even more so, parenting twins. You've got to have a strong stomach for tears, I tell you. I'm wide open for suggestions & tips, so feel free to leave some in the comments!!



Here are some of the things that are becoming my top coping mechanisms:

1. tandem nursing. i've done it 3 times now by myself... hopefully this will become the standard for feedings, but that's a ways off still.
2. hulu.com. perfect for night time feedings, when i need something to keep me awake and i'm between netflicks disks. i've been watching bones. thanks to ben for the recommendation!
3. pandora.com. the boys love music, and this cool site hits the spot for them and me. Laurie swears that Max is a sucker for a little James Taylor. iTunes' new genius feature works similarly and is brilliant.
4. brownie and a glass of milk. need i say more? sometimes comfort food is the only remedy

Admittedly, "coping" implies hard times... and yes, caring for these boys is hard - harder than I imagined, and I have years and years of childcare experience. Having cared for only Max while Shoghi was in the hospital, I can say definitively that taking care of one baby is many times easier than caring for two. At the same time, though, I have to remind myself that I am living my dream right now - in many ways it's better than I ever imagined.

We all marvel over just how different the boys are, and how much fun it is to be able to discover each of them. I am so enjoying this fleeting time when they are still so tiny - even though Max is over 8 pounds now, he and Shoghi are still just wee little peanuts, so fragile, so physically moldable... they just melt their little bodies into balls of baby and it's pure delight. I have to remind myself that just a few weeks ago, when Max was hitting 6 pounds like Shoghi is now, we all thought he was so big... when in fact, he was (and is) still so tiny. I want to be really present to both of them, because even for their obvious differences, they are still absolutely tiny, perfect babies... and changing before my very eyes.

They're starting to really respond to me, which is so special. They seek me out with their eyes when they hear my voice; they seem to hold me, somehow, when I pick them up. They curl into my arms when we nap together, and calm down when I try to talk them down from their sometimes desperate crying... even if it's only temporary, it makes me feel like they really do know I'm here for them, striving with everything I have to make their experience of this physical life easier in any way I can. They obviously love nursing. It's an organic experience of love and dependency like I've never had before, and it's so much more than I could have imagined.

So, even while the hardship of this time is prominent and probably comes out more in my recording of this experience, the foundation for it all is blissful and wonderous.

***

A little shout out to my uncles - Hi Donald & Paul!! There are new pictures in my photostream on flickr - I often upload new ones without blogging them, so you can check there if you're looking for your twin fix! there's a link to flickr on the right sidebar in this blog, or you can bookmark it here. I do post family/friends only pics too, so you'll need to create an account and add me as a contact if you want to see those. I also upload some videos to youtube that I don't blog, like the next one of Max, yawning in the sun. You can find my videos here. :o)

miscellaneous

(taken in part from a recent email)

Stats:
Shoghi has hit the 6 pound mark, and Maxwell should be reaching EIGHT pounds today or tomorrow! Both are maintaining their individual growth curves, so the weight difference is only reflective of their unique physiologies.

Shoghi is doing better. The apnea monitor, which I only use at night, has gone off twice for low heart rate, but I was actually already helping him through a choke at the time. It really does help me sleep, knowing that if anything happens, it will wake me. His reflux seems a bit better now that he's on the zantac - he's not making that sour "mister yuck" face anymore, and maybe it's his bigger size that is helping him handle incidents of spitting up better. Even though I have to help him sometimes by clearing his nose and mouth, he also resolves more on his own.

Max is leading the way in longer sleep stretches - he is sometimes extending the time between feedings to 4 hours at night. It's a miraculous thing. He's so chatty - making noises all the time, especially in his sleep! He spent a night with Auntie Korin and then 2 nights with Auntie Laurie, and both of them commented (lamented) on his vociferous ways. He's also starting to coo, which is super cute.

Nursing is coming along! Shoghi is nursing at least 20 minutes for each "meal" and supplementing with bottle for the rest, and Max isn't far behind. I'm still waiting for my supply to keep up with their needs, but I've had to drop a lot of the pumping, for the sake of my sanity and so that I could actually meet the boys' other needs. Both of them seem to have a tongue tie, so I will have them checked by and ENT doc soon. That apparently has a big impact on nursing. We abandoned using the nipple shield several days ago and never looked back. Now I'm experimenting with using a lact-aid, which involves using a small tube to allow the baby to take in formula while nursing at the breast. This transition to breast can be a long one, but our dramatic progress over the past week is really encouraging. I'm not going to make any decisions about long-term strategy until we've tried to increase nursing sessions and supply for at least another month.

They boys are both so beautiful, it just melts me. After all the years of longing, loss, and pushing through, I'm astonished to find myself the mother of these two perfect babies.

little vid