back on track

ssshhhhh.... for the first time since my twinnies were little babes, i'm sitting in bed next to a sleeping child, using my computer. every keystroke sounds terribly loud.... if he wakes, i'll have to abandon the post!

well, almost all of you know me on facebook, but i wanted to remember what it's been like for me to emerge from the darkness of chemical depression, and record what's been happening for me lately.

most of the time i do write about the boys, don't i... because i figure that's what everyone's interested in. but as their mama, i have been, and of course will continue to be on quite a journey.

as soon as i became pregnant, every spark of creative energy seemed to leave my mind and settle in my womb. it surprised me (ok, and really kind of made me sad) that i had no desire to create for my future children. no knitting teeny garments, no quilting, no calligraphy... nothing. well, you know, there was the 3,000 mile move, the living with friends for 6 months, the early birth of the boys, the nursing, the help with nursing, the sleeplessness.... but you know.... besides all of THAT, i really didn't do much of anything.

so to find that now, at a time when my babies are fully into being toddlers, and still have no creative juice flowing... well, it was just sad. and on top of that the depression... when i finally found a better dose of my prescription, it all came pouring back. seriously, in the 3 weeks since i've been feeling better, i have been so inspired - things have just poured through me - my hands have found their way to making new things i've never even tried before.

i opened a second etsy shop: 70s Home. did you all even know i had one originally? well, since nothing has been new in there for quite a while, i just felt it was stagnant, but soon there will be new designs in bamboo village press, too. and so it goes - change your thoughts, change your life. this time i needed some help to get my thoughts pointing in a better direction, but all of a sudden, out of seemingly nowhere, i have energy, inspiration, work, and a little bit of income.

we found a guy who agreed to come put in a raised bed for us in our rental home's backyard - he did the work in trade for some food i cooked for him. then, seriously out of the blue, a woman contacted me through bamboo village press and asked me to make her wedding invitations for her. after doing a quote, this lead didn't fizzle... in fact, i just finished them today, and honestly, i want to cry when i see them... something i drew by hand ended up on this couple's invitations! the colors, the gold embossing i did by hand... all of it... these are really some of the prettiest things i have ever made with my hands. i am so moved. the pictures i have taken so far really don't capture just how pretty they are. i sat there, doing a job a lot of people might find tedious, thinking "i love doing this" - i think this might be the first time i have truly felt this so deeply as my calling.

so now that the invitations are done, i am going full force into preparing for this weekend. my wonderful sister had her own moment of inspiration when we realized how much the new garden was costing (which i seriously cannot afford right now), and suggested we have a craft sale/open house. it's going to be 2 days - this sunday and the following thursday, and i've expanded it to not only cover both of our handmade items, but also a bake sale. i've gotten a ton of long-distance orders for my awesome maple almond and maple cashew granola, and i'll also be baking some fresh bread, and making some sweets as well (like maple butterscotch sauce and world peace cookies). i'm excited - not only will we get to visit with our lovely friends, i'm also going to hang a poster at our local cafe and put an ad on craigslist - it's definitely weird to think about opening our home to the public like this!


in the end, it is wonderful to feel yet again so supported by our friends and family, and it's so great to know that we will have some lovely organic food on our summer and fall table this year - food of a quality that i wouldn't otherwise be able to buy this year. even more, though, it inspires deep, deep gratitude within me that a part of myself has resurfaced. welcome back, happy, hard-working, inspired me - i missed you.

a little sunshine

While it's true we've had nearly constant rain for the past couple of weeks, and our little household was stricken by a really terrible, long-lasting virus, for me, in the midst of this, things have begun to feel a little sunnier. I had my SSRI increased again a few weeks ago, at a time when I was beginning to feel like this particular drug wasn't going to work at all, and almost immediately I felt a shift.

I really can't express fully enough just how vastly different I feel, and what a relief it is to not be spending my days with terrible, depressed thoughts rattling around in my head, making me feel miserable about myself.

I'm slowly getting things back together... but things are good. :)

better than a banana phone

lately everything is a phone for Max - a calculator, the dial on a heating pad, a book. but yesterday i looked into the living room and caught him talking into something completely unexpected:

a little update

"A-peeeeeeeeeee!" says Shoghi, pointing at the sky. Planes are such an object of fascination and discussion in his world lately.

Max has woken up from a deep sleep twice this week, sitting straight up and calling out: "Chickie!!" Ever since we went to our little buddy Lanny's second birthday party almost two months ago and saw their chickens, we have been subjected to endless chicken talk from Mr. Max. How I wish we could afford to put up a chicken coop in our yard this year - I think the boys would really love it.

Funny words this week:

Max
monkey: moogie
Shoghi: Shoggy (like soggy)
flowers: fwa-sis
Mama: Ma-mee
Elmo: Melmo
chicken: chickie
"ouchie" is also getting a lot of play this week...
"I go pee-pee" and "take a bath" were his first 3-word combinations that emerged this week.
what does the rooster say? "a-dicka-doo"

Here are Laurie, Max and me, prompting Max a bit - he had been playing this little game of 1) pour out water 2) stomp in water 3) say "oh no." It was too cute to let slip by without a video.



Shoghi
Elmo: ama
kitty: kidda or just "ca" for cat
juice: do
plane: pee
diaper: boo-boo
bird: boo
cereal: see-da
butterfly: fa-da (also the word for fly)
leaf: wee
turtle: doo-da

Here's Shoghi last week, naming animals with me:



I'm so glad I let them watch Signing Time... Shoghi's language development is so much harder to understand than Max's, but he's using a LOT of signs, and uses them to clarify his words for us. This week, he will just go through a litany of seemingly unrelated words: leaf, train, plane, auntie, orange, hair... he's really acquired so much new language in the past month, it's incredible. Still, he got a referral to see an audiologist, and I'm going to take him in at the end of April. He confuses the hearing of many similar words, like sky and cry, duck and dog. While that could be totally normal, I want to make sure. His hard vowel sounds are starting to emerge - "e" is his strongest vowel sound.

saying and signing "go"

I forgot to tell you all months ago that I did take Shoghi to Early Intervention... geez, it seems like forever ago. Was it all the way last fall?? I'm sure it was September or October. I was concerned at the time that he might have some sensory issues, and didn't realize that EI would just be evaluating for developmental delay, which wasn't a concern. So, he tested just fine. Truthfully, I am still watching him with a close eye. He is a kinesthetic learner, which has been clear to me since he was born, so it may simply be that the way he relates to the world is so different from the way I do. And it's not that I feel like anything is "wrong" - I just want to make sure I offer things to him in the best way possible.

Meanwhile, Max has turned into our latest biter, and unlike Shoghi's long, long stint of social biting when he was really a baby, this biting is aggressive. Max actually bites Shoghi specifically to get the adult's attention about half of the time, and the other half he's biting because he's angry or frustrated. We've been trying some very basic time-out strategies with no success. I'm going to keep on with it, though, because I know he understands. He looks at me and actually says "no biting"... little smartypants!

More later - we're justting back into shape after a week of sickness!

geek-you

Ah, the word of the week. Shoghi is suddenly babbling away, signing and saying so many new words. His only hard vowel sound is still "e"and he still says words mostly with consonants (like "ke-da" for kitty). We have yet to capture the joy on video, but let me assure you, it's been so delightful to experience this major shift. He now says "wa-da" for water, and "ba-ba-da" for bear... well, there are just so many!

Max continues his own path of development, and has now added verbs to the mix. "get it," eat sleep, drink, go, walk, jump... so many! He has started counting - for real counting - as well, and says thank you. He's started singing with some songs on Sesame Street... it's just so much fun. Some cute mispronunciations:

monkey: gookie or, suddenly today, moogie
turtle: too-a
banana: manna
egg: still weega-wee. still love it.
ouch: ouchies
have a good day: g'day!

Here's a video of Max saying thank you... most often, he says it without prompting, but you know, you gotta get these videos for the grandparents!!



Here's Max again... talking to the farm animals last month (he's saying "sleeping")



And hey, thanks for the menu ideas! I'm excited to try some of them in April!

cooking this week

After my last post about menu ideas, a friend emailed to gently suggest I was too ambitious in the kitchen. I wish that were the case! When I am having a bad day (or days), we eat a lot of scrambled eggs with pesto, our most reliably-eaten meal. The little tykes are finally eating boxed mac and cheese, and they really love the chicken breakfast sausage, party meatballs, and frozen gnocchi dishes we get at Trader Joe's. But I have had a constant struggle with my weight (and really, with eating well) since adolescence, and I have had high blood pressure on and off since my long hospital stay after being in a head-on car crash in 2004. I'm concerned about my own health, and I am really striving to set good habits for my children. I want my kids to be among the exception to the obesity epidemic we are experiencing in this country. I want to be around and healthy to meet my grandchildren and have them know me.

Maybe my meal ideas look a little complicated, but really the part I struggle with the most is cleaning up! For now, while I am still at home with my children, I hope to continue cooking meals with basic ingredients and avoid processed foods as much as possible. As spring unfolds, I also hope to find us eating more veggies, something often lacking from meals.

Looking back on what I wrote last week, I'm doing pretty well. My lack of specific planning showed a little last night, when I was in the middle of a several-hour-long anxiety attack. I ended up cooking brown rice (which Max ate) and made the sauce for butternut squash mac and cheese, but no pasta. Thankfully Laurie came home early and cooked up some breakfast sausage, made some corn, and we warmed up some of the delicious chicken pot pie she had made the night before. When the boys refused everything but the meat, they ended up eating whole grain c*heerios with milk and raspberries while I sat between them trying to catch my breath. What a mess!

There have been better moments, though, like when Korin came over on Sunday and we made our sweet potato gnocchi to freeze. It's so delicious, but sadly I'm the only one here who will eat it.


I made sweet potato and cheddar quesadillas, and the boys actually ate them!

I also managed to make four loaves of cardamom bread, but I forgot to add the cardamom. We gave loaves to friends and sent one to work with Laurie to the delight of her colleagues.




We also made a corned beef crockpot meal, but it was too sour for both me and Laurie. I think I'm going to throw together an easy lentil soup this afternoon, to go with that brown rice from last night. I want to get more meat-free meals on the table. Do you have favorite vegetarian meals? I'd love to hear em!

bedtime ritual

I'm a pretty regimented mom. We have a schedule that has evolved over the past year, and I love it. We're firmly down to one nap a day now, too, and did I tell you that I finally got Shoghi off of those stressful nighttime milk bottles? Yep - the the past month, he's given up his bottle, and is also doing better at sleeping through the night (finally!) most of the time.

Our most consistent ritual, though, is bedtime, which we call sleepytime. After dinner, the boys go a little nuts, running, squealing with laughter at each other, getting out the last of the day's big energy. If they're terribly messy after their meal, we go up and they take a bath, once or twice a week. About a half an hour later, I put on a DVD - usually Goodnight Gorilla - and we all sit down and watch together while pajamas are put on and teeth are brushed.

a typical end-of-day scene of snuggling, tv-watching, and a big mess in the background

After as little as 10 and as long as 20 minutes, we all head upstairs - the boys crawling up the staris themselves. They both stand in Shoghi's crib in his room (they've been in separate rooms since they went into cribs), and I read several books, sing a song or two, and then the boys say goodnight to each other with kisses and hugs, which has recently evolved into lying on top of each other, rolling around, laughing with each other, and sometimes ends with someone being bitten (remember our problems with biting? it's back, and now they both bite!).

shoghi taking a nap

Then I take Max to his room, settle him in his crib, returning afterward to Shoghi's room to give him a small bottle of water which he keeps in his crib all night, sing to him, and say good night. Many times, that's it - they might chat for a while, but they both calmly go to sleep. They're generally sleeping by 7, which is a blessed, early time. Since they get up so early - Max gets up at 5:30 consistently - the early bedtime is a necessity for us all.

napping Max, who still loves his thumb!