30 days: forgiveness of others

4/30. something you have to forgive someone for.



“The holiest of all the spots on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a present love.” A Course in Miracles

I’ve been thinking about forgiveness for over a week now. The dimensions of this practice seem so great – not only can it be an act of self-healing, but it seems like an act of creation, expansion, and allowing. Forgiveness as a force for social change… for building unity versus destruction. It requires a selfless kind of trust, a suppression of the ego, and seems to me the ultimate statement of optimism – a communication of allowing between the forgiver and the Force of creation. It is a statement of equality with others – a recognition that we are all imperfect.

It’s been a powerful mediation just to think about what we offer in service to humanity when we choose forgiveness over resentment. In fact, this meditation has plunged me into the idea of forgiveness so deeply that I wonder at its vastness. Are there hints of wrongs needed to be consciously forgiven that drag on us throughout our lives, blocking us from forward motion? Do I need to be more reflective about resentments I might be unconsciously fostering?

I don’t feel like I hold on to a lot of blaming thoughts. Like everyone, I have been hurt by others in my life; the deepest of those hurts took me years to overcome, and through that path of reflection, sacrifice, and deliberate work, I learned that forgiveness is really only the first step. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean the pain is gone – it doesn’t lessen the impact of the hurt caused by whatever the act happened to be.

I’m sure there are many acts of forgiveness waiting for action within my mind and heart. Forgiveness for insensitivities of others, for assumptions made and expectations levied, forgiveness for misunderstood intents and traffic behavior, forgiveness to our leaders, forgiveness for systems and institutions that direct our lives but were not built on a foundation of justice, forgiveness to our Creator for obstacles and pain seemingly placed in my path. .. the list is long, isn’t it?

‘Abdu’l-Baha counseled people to “see with the eye of forgiveness,” and practitioners of mindfulness practice “Teflon mind.” Rather than out people or situations that need my attention in this post, I’m going to take this day of truth as a lesson to myself. A day that lasts longer than a day, and becomes a practice. I’ll loosen the energetic grip of shallow (and deep) resentments and begin to consciously forgive – I’ll breathe more and swear less, pause and give space before rushing to a judgment. I’ll think of my sons and the forgivenesses I pray they will extend to me, and use that wish as a model for myself.

Come, come, whoever you are

Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving

It doesn’t matter

Ours is not a caravan of despair

Come, even if you have broken your vow

a thousand times

Come, yet again, come, come

~Rumi

******

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

30 days: self forgiveness

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

2002. Chengdu, Sichuan, China.

2002. Rural Sichuan, China. Rice Harvest.

OK, I'm already struggling with this a bit. I'm not too into public self-recrimination. I was raised to have as one of my core values that we speak directly with our Creator, and so do not offer confession to other people. It does defy some of my blogging, but I think processing is different from confessing.

I guess Day One was so obvious to me - this thing I really find terribly uncomfortable about being myself on a daily basis. I feel largely NOT in control of it. But now... something I have to forgive myself for? It's such a large response, so laden with history, and hopes lost, disappointments and shame. Put this in a blog post?

2006. Rural Sichuan. My father and mother-in-law.

There's something you might not realize when you first get married. In fact, you may never know it with great consciousness unless you find yourself at the end of that marriage; that is, when you marry someone, it is a bond of much more than two individuals. When the marriage ends, there is a great deal more lost than the already hugely significant relationship of those two people.

When D and I met in 2000, we were in his homeland of China. We lived there for two years before coming to the US - and actually, we never intended to stay here for as long as we did. While we were living in China, I grew attached to his parents, his sisters, and especially their children. There are three gorgeous children I met when they were wee things, and I will never see them again. They called me "Niang-Niang" - auntie - they trusted me, and I love them. They are lost to me. D's parents - I'm certain that both he and I ended up being a disappointment to them. Not only for the grandchildren I failed to bear while we were married, but for our weakness - our inability to weather the challenges of life and marriage as a unit.

2002, with my sisters-in-law, my nephew and niece.

2006, with my beautiful niece Ting-ting -
the same critter who is pouting something fierce in the first photo.

Certainly the dissolution of a marriage is not the fault of one person. Our marriage's failure is not something I masterminded. I am sad for mistakes I made, but I am wise enough, and take myself account often enough, to understand that these mistakes were unintentional, and were made trying to do the right thing. Who really cares who's fault it was anyway? But I did fail, and we did lose the family we tried to create, and to that whole family that was once mine... it is for those things that I need to find self-forgiveness. Should I do more to remain a part of these children's lives? I don't feel like I really can.

Thinking about it, though, I'm not sure that it's forgiveness I am needing, as much as time to heal from the loss. Such a sadness. The life I have since created is the one I always wanted, so it's not often I open the grief of what broke along the way.


***



Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

30 days: love

The truth for Day 2 is something you love about yourself.

Maybe it's because I'm, well, OLD, but this one comes easily, too. If there's one thing I love about being me, it's the way my creative mind works. I guess this is probably the same for all of us - there's got to just be something in each of us that drives our individual forms of creativity and registers as pleasurable in our brains. For me, though, that spark is ignited in the form of making.

I've been a maker-of-things since I was little. I remember well begging scraps of polyester from the bolts in my grandparents garage, cutting out circles, and making poodle-style skirts for my dolls. Paper dolls, embroidered pillows, ornaments, weaving... I'd make things for my younger siblings, friends, and parents.

My pursuit of making isn't limited to a single medium - I'm just as happy plunging my hands into wet clay or a vat of paper-making material as I am sewing bits of fabric into a quilt. I work contentedly with xacto blades and silk screen presses. I love the thinking aspect of it - guesswork over measurements, moment-by-moment evolution over planning. It's how I create the tangible, and it's also how I have lived my life.

This style of make-and-do also makes me something of a jack of all trades, which has both up and down sides. It's made it challenging for me to focus on a single discipline professionally, since what I love most about work is the learning. I have been equally engaged as an ESL teacher and a marketing director. In college, I loved my chosen field of international development, but wondered if it wouldn't be better to study psychology, or English, or art.

At this point in my life, I am facing yet another professional rebirth - going back to work after a 3-year absence. I'm nearly 40 and have no defined career. No 401k, no retirement savings... and it seems, now that I have two children, that it's probably time to knuckle down and settle on something.

I have postponed my application to a MA in teaching ESL for over a year - a course of study I could do easily but without much inspiration. Now I have found the program of my dreams, and like my long process of becoming a mother, it has led me to examine not just the what-I-can-do of life, but the what-I-long-to-do. It's a risk, but I'm ready to jump off the cliff once and for all. I am applying for an MFA - it gives my stomach a little tug every time I think it - a Masters of Fine Arts. Daring, isn't it, to say this is the thing that makes me special, and then go pursue it with every last shred of energy and resource we have?

This Friday, I am taking another step in the direction of LIVE WHAT YOU LOVE - I'm meeting with someone from the grad school I am going to attend. In the midst of the tremors of insecurity that are plaguing our daily lives right now, this is my light at the end of the tunnel. Just like the risks involved in pursuing motherhood while I was (am) single, pursuing a career in the creative arts seem daunting, but honestly, it's the only thing that feels right.

gaining clarity

illustration by Jen Lemen, Mondo Beyondo

Have you ever felt like there was a time when you really struggled to do something, and it was failing miserably for no apparent reason? Who hasn't, right?

For the past 3 weeks, I have been on a relentless search for a new babysitter, and in that time, my life (our life) has devolved into complete and utter chaos as my need for a nanny has gone on unfulfilled.

At first, my preference was to find a day care center, but it became clear after about, oh, thirty phone calls that this wasn't going to happen. With long waiting lists and minimum age requirements of 2.5 for centers I felt good about, there just was just not any availability. I was surprised to learn how many daycares use television - up to two hours a day. Definitely not cool with me.

So, I changed my search to looking for a nanny. I wrote to friends, talked with former babysitters (who are fortunately now our dear friends), and put the word out into our community. I wrote an ad and posted it on craigslist and on urbanmamas. I emailed about 50 people, heard back from about 15. I interviewed. I called. They rescheduled. It just hasn't been working.

Last night, in the long, long hours when I couldn't sleep, I wondered about this, and realized it's something I've experienced before - I try and try and try for something I feel I need and want, and just end up pouring energy and emotion into one dead end after another.

So I thought to myself:

OK, what if the thing you are saying you want is at odds with what your heart really wants? What is it, if not a simple babysitter, that our family needs? It's time to really pay attention to your heart, rather than your head.

To be honest, I don't have a choice about needing childcare, so the question isn't "do you really want to find childcare for your kids."

I guess the thing I realized last night is that what our family needs isn't a nanny. While the primary job description may read "take care of twin toddlers for 25 hours a week," what our family needs is more like a doula, a grandma, a loving figure who cares about the themes we are playing out, who cares to take the time to be objective about what the present needs are. This may sound burdensome and too large of a job description, but I have friends who are like this who work under the "nanny" job title. We as a family are being birthed into a new phase of our life together - a new phase that will land me either employed outside the home or back to grad school (please, let it be the latter!), will transform Laurie's time and open the space for her to direct energy back into her career as an illustrator, and finally, this change will impact how my sons are socialized, the day-to-day experiences they will have, and the amount of time they spend away from their parents.

In the ad I originally placed online, I wrote that we needed an "adventurous nanny," when in fact, we simply need a nurturer.

I feel a calmness now; I have identified the dissonance that might have been blocking us from finding that person who no doubt would love to nurture our family in this way. Because really, in the end, that's what I believe family is about, and it's the role I believe can be so powerful as a care giver - someone to love us for who we are, where we are, and someone for us to love back.

happenings

another set of crazy weeks, complete with household economic disaster, sick children and adults, lack of babysitters, and encounters with state agencies i never imagined as a part of my life. oh, and my camera is malfunctioning again, or it might just be the batteries are not charging properly... whatever the case, i haven't had the energy to get to the bottom of it. funny, but without a camera, it's harder to stop on by this old spot.

the boys are changing before my very eyes. even more than when they were tiny babies, now they are two (seriously, how did this happen?!?), and they are just exploding with change. i can assume that pretty soon they will be talking in ways i find more comprehensible, and we will only have as memories words like "baba-zur-zur" (bulldozer), "mo-cicle" (popcicle), and "beeping" (sleeping). they string together these amazing little sentences now: "i climbed up seat!" "i see a red motorcycle!" "no car. go a playground now." and i sense their babyhood falling away.

that's not to say i don't celebrate and relish their changes - i feel like i could dive into each one of them and float in my joy at their little personal triumphs. "i did it myself!" is a new favorite sentence this week, and i have to say, i feel their sense of accomplishment and feel wells of adoration. these little people learn and experience so much in such a precious short time! shoghi suddenly holds his fork, spoon, pens and paintbrush "properly," while max did pee-pee in a potty for the first time... shoghi has had such a fast leap in language skills since july - he's gone from single words all the way to 5 and 6 word sentences, while max has mastered the art of marching, jumping off furniture, and sings along with his favorite (barney, blech!) songs... it's really so incredible that suddenly our home is filled with this child energy.

but still... really for the first time, i have the sense of this major first chapter in their lives coming to a close. the baby years... i can barely type it... they are coming to an end. it's likely that they are going to be my only children, and while i am so happy and content (and overwhelmed, and stressed out) to have both of them, there is a little twinge of sadness along with it that i won't have the opportunity to have babies anymore.

let's be real, too... i think part of it is something that you might only understand if you have multiples, or if you are very close to someone who does... i think part of it is that there really is a loss as a mother/child unit, that i didn't get to have that quiet moment of time with each of my sons as babies. that time when there is just the one baby to focus on, even if there are other siblings already in the family. there's quite a shift that has to happen when mothering twins (or more) - your intentions for how you will attend to your child have to yield to the reality of caring for two children of the same age. there is definitely loss there for me. things i wish i had been able to do differently for each of my boys.

and while i'm talking about leaving these baby years, let me also say that suddenly i am also thinking - or at least feeling (because really, when do i have time to actually think these days) - the strange gulf that occurred for me (and for each of them?) during those long four weeks they spent in the NICU. it's still so hard for me to accept that this hospital was not set up to allow parents to stay there 24 hours a day... the fact that my fragile little babies were there without me - without anyone except the NICU staff - for hours each day.... ugh, i get a pit in my stomach just thinking about it. it's one thing that i actually do have regret about - that i wasn't there for all of it. that i didn't somehow find a way to be with them every moment of their first breaths, their cries, their certain bewilderment at how it felt to be removed from the warmth of my womb and placed on those hard beds, with masks on, air on their exposed skin, the billi-lights... ugh. it's horrible, and i desperately wish i had done differently, even though i did the best i could do at the time...

so anyway, here we are. summer is falling away into blessed autumn. the rains are returning, and the air is cooler. my life is about to change as i find a job, as the boys transition into 20 or more hours a week of day care. and my babies... my strong, fast, persistent, funny, cheeky, introspective, determined, lovely boys are stepping into themselves.

Nevertheless, I am willing...

I dare to believe I am headed in the right direction.

I dare to believe our family life meets all of our needs.

I dare to believe I will meet my soul mate after all.

I dare to believe that being twins is the perfect thing for my sons, and that it will (and does) bring them happiness.

I dare to believe that I will be able to visit my East Coast family 2-3 times a year from now on.

I dare to believe I will find a career that truly channels my talents and my joy.

I dare to believe I can do this, and do it with excellence.

I dare to believe that I am a happy person.

I dare to believe that I will be loved for who I am, rather than for who you wish I would be.


Mondo Beyondo exercise, taken from my amazing friends Miriam and Korin. What do you dare?

just one thing

as adults, there are many things we need to accomplish on any given day. as parents, that list increases exponentially, and as working-from-home parents, the number of things-to-do seems endlessly growing. because everything is at home, you never get a break like you do when leaving things at an office. when you are trying to stay afloat in this scenario and are living with Depression, it's a whole lot harder.

my own energy for concentrated attention in the few free moments i get during the day is very limited. it's like you're standing in the middle of a hurricane of noise, activity, and emotional need (produced by two toddlers), and all of a sudden everything stops and you expect yourself to get right to work. the house is in a shamble, and there are a hundred uncompleted tasks piled up everywhere, and your mind and body are still humming with movement. since i started working at home in the winter, the amount of visual, mental, and physical clutter has mounted and now has finally overwhelmed me. the boys seem to be echoing the lack of calm back to me, as in the past several days there has been a huge upswing in toy-throwing. i have taken to eliminating the toys one-by-one from our play space as they are tossed around.

this has all resulted in a decision. for the next month, i am going to drastically simplify things around here. even though it feels like a huge responsibility i am failing to uphold, i am going to put the cloth diapers away for one month. washing has become something for me to avoid, and has led to a lot of stress for me.

rather than telling myself that today i will (for example) be present for the boys, reply to emails, bake, sew, do wash, hang clothes on the line, screen print, and package and mail orders from my shops, i will force myself to do just one of the non-parenting things on my list. it's actually incredibly hard for me to work in this way - i'm much more of an impulsive do-er. i am going to have to do a major cleaning and somehow box and organize all of my in-progress projects. i have to be ready with everything i need for my artisan booth at opening day of our farmer's market on 6/13, and i actually feel fearful that by putting things away, i won't get anything done at all.

the reality is, though, that i am already in way over my head and feeling ineffective at accomplishing my tasks.

we'll see how it goes. please send your prayers and helpful energies my way - i really need some calm and support!

back on track

ssshhhhh.... for the first time since my twinnies were little babes, i'm sitting in bed next to a sleeping child, using my computer. every keystroke sounds terribly loud.... if he wakes, i'll have to abandon the post!

well, almost all of you know me on facebook, but i wanted to remember what it's been like for me to emerge from the darkness of chemical depression, and record what's been happening for me lately.

most of the time i do write about the boys, don't i... because i figure that's what everyone's interested in. but as their mama, i have been, and of course will continue to be on quite a journey.

as soon as i became pregnant, every spark of creative energy seemed to leave my mind and settle in my womb. it surprised me (ok, and really kind of made me sad) that i had no desire to create for my future children. no knitting teeny garments, no quilting, no calligraphy... nothing. well, you know, there was the 3,000 mile move, the living with friends for 6 months, the early birth of the boys, the nursing, the help with nursing, the sleeplessness.... but you know.... besides all of THAT, i really didn't do much of anything.

so to find that now, at a time when my babies are fully into being toddlers, and still have no creative juice flowing... well, it was just sad. and on top of that the depression... when i finally found a better dose of my prescription, it all came pouring back. seriously, in the 3 weeks since i've been feeling better, i have been so inspired - things have just poured through me - my hands have found their way to making new things i've never even tried before.

i opened a second etsy shop: 70s Home. did you all even know i had one originally? well, since nothing has been new in there for quite a while, i just felt it was stagnant, but soon there will be new designs in bamboo village press, too. and so it goes - change your thoughts, change your life. this time i needed some help to get my thoughts pointing in a better direction, but all of a sudden, out of seemingly nowhere, i have energy, inspiration, work, and a little bit of income.

we found a guy who agreed to come put in a raised bed for us in our rental home's backyard - he did the work in trade for some food i cooked for him. then, seriously out of the blue, a woman contacted me through bamboo village press and asked me to make her wedding invitations for her. after doing a quote, this lead didn't fizzle... in fact, i just finished them today, and honestly, i want to cry when i see them... something i drew by hand ended up on this couple's invitations! the colors, the gold embossing i did by hand... all of it... these are really some of the prettiest things i have ever made with my hands. i am so moved. the pictures i have taken so far really don't capture just how pretty they are. i sat there, doing a job a lot of people might find tedious, thinking "i love doing this" - i think this might be the first time i have truly felt this so deeply as my calling.

so now that the invitations are done, i am going full force into preparing for this weekend. my wonderful sister had her own moment of inspiration when we realized how much the new garden was costing (which i seriously cannot afford right now), and suggested we have a craft sale/open house. it's going to be 2 days - this sunday and the following thursday, and i've expanded it to not only cover both of our handmade items, but also a bake sale. i've gotten a ton of long-distance orders for my awesome maple almond and maple cashew granola, and i'll also be baking some fresh bread, and making some sweets as well (like maple butterscotch sauce and world peace cookies). i'm excited - not only will we get to visit with our lovely friends, i'm also going to hang a poster at our local cafe and put an ad on craigslist - it's definitely weird to think about opening our home to the public like this!


in the end, it is wonderful to feel yet again so supported by our friends and family, and it's so great to know that we will have some lovely organic food on our summer and fall table this year - food of a quality that i wouldn't otherwise be able to buy this year. even more, though, it inspires deep, deep gratitude within me that a part of myself has resurfaced. welcome back, happy, hard-working, inspired me - i missed you.

missing

It's been a rather long time since I've posted, hasn't it? March has arrived, spring is here, my children continue to change and grow, and somewhere along the line, I feel like a part of me has been lost. A heavy old feeling has returned, and this time I have a happy little life surrounding me. There is no bad relationship to blame. The days of infertility and pregnancy loss are behind me. Sure, there's a lot to be stressed out about - still not having a job, getting older and wondering if I'll have a chance to be a mama to a third (biological) child, running out of money... these are all things that I encounter in my mind and heart every day. But the darkness I feel taking up residence again I have now come to accept as something else - why is it so hard for me to even type this word - depression.

To admit that I'm not just lazy, not a terrible procrastinator, not irresponsible, not at fault... to set aside labels that I have used on myself for years and years... why is that so hard? It's easier to blame myself than to think that perhaps these symptoms that have plagued me for so long are not just a failing of my will to change. Ironically, though I have spent a lot of time in therapy, I have not used medication for depression aside from when my marriage was falling apart and I was in the worst grief of infertility. And now that I really believe that this is truly clinical depression that I'm dealing with, I have no health insurance or savings left to deal with it.

I have envisioned this blog as a place to record the story of this little family - to share it with family and friends, to connect with new people... and ultimately, to have it as a gift for my sons. I hesitate to write about the darker moments of parenting.

One thing I am proud of, though, is that in these past months that have been tarnished by panic attacks, muscle and joint pain, and the dark paralysis of this strange and unwanted internal despair, I can truly say that all the energy I have summoned has gone to my children. I haven't written my resume or kept on top of all of my bills, but I have spent countless hours playing with Max and Shoghi, celebrating their little lives, cooking for them, researching their development and trying to come up with ways to engage their curiosity, looking into their precious eyes, hugging their beautiful bodies, washing their diapers, telling them stories, and re-discovering the world through their experience of living. I know that even in my worst hours, I am a loving mother to my boys, and that is a gift to all of us.

So, this is the reason I haven't been posting much. It is hard for me to admit that things have really gotten this dark - and it's been very sad for me to come to the realization that if this is not situational depression as I had guessed in the past, that I may well have to deal with the truly terrible affliction of depression for a good while. Have you dealt with depression or a disease of chronic pain or fatigue as a parent? If so, please share your experience!

somewhere beyond here

The picture doesn't show it, but I feel so adrift, so stressed out, so lost these days. My patience has washed away under a flood of anxiety, and I find it challenging to make it through the days without terrible feelings of failure - failure to discern my path, to find enough creative and engaging things for the boys, to manage this household calmly and with the finesse I tell myself most adults possess. I ask myself every day how I ever thought I could do this myself, and then I remember that I am doing it, that I couldn't have imagined how it would be to parent twins in this situation (or that my pursuit of parenthood would give me the blessing of having two babies at the same time), and that I would not change any of it, no matter how hard it is for me right now.

The fact is, I am trying. I am digging deeper than I have ever had to in my life. I do come up with new things for us to do every day, we get out and spend time with friends, and I am working hard to prepare good meals and bake bread. These things are important to me, and despite my inner turmoil, I am doing them. I have no choice but to reach for something better, to find myself in the midst of this personal crisis.

To make sure I have various kinds of support and a structure to focus my thoughts of creating a more healthy life, I've decided to take Mondo Beyondo again - the online class I took in October that guides participants through a process of becoming clear about their dreams, and then pursuing them.

This is all in line with my stated goal of 2010 of finding my voice. I'm relieved that the class starts today and I can place my frenzied mind into a calm, positive space.

weekend contrast

Back when I was first really learning about the law of attraction, I learned about contrast. That is, I learned that sometimes the things that are resonating as DON'T WANTs are there to provide you the contrast to see what you DO want. You might have a dishwasher you hate. Either you can focus your attention in a negative way on the situation, saying over and over "I hate this stupid dishwasher," or you can choose to create an alternative in your head, so you might say instead, "Wow, this is dishwasher of my dreams!" even as you are loading an unloading the current one. You're not denying that you have a crappy dishwasher, but you're focusing instead on the dishwasher you wish to have. What you're going for is to elicit the emotion you wish to have in relation to your dishwasher (or whatever). Does that make sense? It's a little Depression Era psychology, perhaps... a little trick of the mind.

Weekends are a particularly contrast-ful for me. My sister who lives with me and the boys works on the weekend days, and most of my friends here spend family time on the weekend, doing chores around the house, spending time together, going on outings. This leaves me by myself with the boys most of the time. I often find myself throwing a little weekend pity party out of loneliness and the wish that I had someone I was sharing this with.

It's just not how I ever imagined I'd be raising children. Having been married before, I had every expectation that I would be hanging around in my pajamas with my hubby and kids, drinking hot coffee, eating a warm breakfast, shuffling around the house on Sundays (at least sometimes). It's the feeling I liked to cultivate when I was married, and it's the resonant memory of my childhood home. Instead, it's just another day, and if the boys are particularly whiny or bored, it makes me all the more grumpy that there isn't anyone else who can just take over as their parent for a moment.

I guess it would be different (jeez, soooo different) if I was working, and the only long days I had together with the boys were on the weekend. It surely will soon come to pass that this becomes our rhythm, and realizing this gave me pause.

As I was driving today, I was thinking about all of this, and I remembered someone's recent facebook (or was it on mothering?) comment where they were remarking how we often don't see a milestone until it's past. It made me think that these long days of babbling, whining, playing, toddling, and diapers are indeed fleeting, and that there are things I will miss when they've moved onto other things which will, no doubt, bring me equal amounts of delight and frustration. It's just life, and time, and we don't get to do this again, no matter how tired or bored or lonely the mama feels.

Maybe I'll try to think up something special (and free) that we can do every weekend. Since a relaxing day with a life partner isn't happening right now, I should think of a way to give to the boys in a fun and memorable way. I need to set the stage for the emotion I desire.

In the end, all these months of weekend loneliness have brought me to this place. It's provided me with contrast, showing me what I ultimately wish for --- the relaxed, homey feeling of my childhood Sundays. My task now is to figure out how to make it happen - to create the emotion I wish for, rather than dwell on the feeling of lack.

Tell me, what are your happy weekend routines and traditions? Have you ever blogged about it? Let's hear your ideas!

recently speechless

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Posting, both here and on facebook, has felt like a chore - I've been so uninspired, despite the fact that a lot is going on! We've been so busy... perhaps it's just that. Anyway, sorry for being a bad blog-keep.

I'm in a big transition in my personal life, as I've mentioned before. Aside from the constant (and wonderful) evolution of my mama-life, I find myself unsure of my next step professionally. I started a business in the spring, and find myself not wanting to grow it much beyond where it is. Every few months, I get to work with a small group of amazing women entrepreneurs, sharing my knowledge of marketing and coaching them to become clear about their business values and core. This has been a real pleasure, but I thought I would grow this business into a small marketing firm, and now that feels very unappealing. Keeping the business at its current size won't support this family, though.

Maybe this is part of why I haven't been writing here - it's hard to have a professional online presence and then talk about aspects that I find unsatisfying. I'm afraid to come across in a way that would make my friends and clients think I'm not happy about working with them, which isn't true. I am also resistent to the tension between running a business for the love of the work and having to make a certain amount of money. I know other small business owners also struggle with this - wanting the work to be about passion and not about the bottom line. I have owned several micro-businesses in the past, but never had to rely on one as my sole source of income... and I have learned in the past few months that at this point in my life, that tension comes at the detriment of the work.

As a result, I've been working with my wonderful friend and life coach to get clear about what does feel good. Keeping the workshop going but teaching it as a service and as a little extra income feels like a choice with integrity for me. I've been looking at going back to school for a Master's degree, too, and if the finances look like they're going to work, I'll be going back to school in January for a degree that will allow me to teach English as a Second Language in colleges and private institutions both here and abroad. I'm not 100% about this decision yet, but it is evolving as the likely path.

I have found that blogging about life challenges on this particular blog has resulted in anonymous commenters admonishing me for complaining. I have written in other places before during huge transitions, and was amazed to find myself surrounded by support - some of the people who I "met" through that old blog are now my close friends. So to talk about the challenges of motherhood and life here - on a blog about single parenting - and find myself criticized... well, it kind of took the wind out of my sails. I believe in telling the truth - and I believe that it is through being real about the things that challenge us that we can truly connect with other people. I've never shied away from talking about the major tests in my life before, and I think that the story I am telling here for myself and for my children is best told with all the facets of experience intact.

So, there you have it. Hopefully getting it out there that I've been hitting up on this wall will help me break through and actually start writing again.

working backward and looking forward

Well, well, well. We are back in Portland, and boy do I have a lot of catching up to do! I think I'm going to work in reverse to catch you all up.


So, first of all, jet lag and one-year-olds.... SUCKS!!! When we traveled from West to East, it worked out really, really well - a very early morning and a long day of travel actually resulted in a very short adjustment time for the boys. Of course, it was also nice to have them wake up at 8am instead of 5am! Coming back, though, has been really rough. By the time we left MA, the boys were regularly waking at 6am, so that meant that in Oregon they have been really thrown off. Keeping them up until 7pm has been pretty tough, because of course their little bodies still feel like it's 10pm! Just two days after arriving in Portland, though, Max is back to sleeping only 10 hours, the stubborn little guy, meaning that he was up and ready to go at 5am today. This is my ongoing struggle - putting them to bed at 8 is just too late. I need some down time, and evenings are long and hard as it is. But the fact that I cannot get Max to sleep for more than 10 hours just kills me every day!!

I think I'll put up a seperate post about flying with twin 1-year olds. It was an adventure both going to MA and returning. VERY different than flying with them last December. As with all things baby (especially twin babies), creativity, perserverence, and a sense of humor, even if dark, came in very handy.


We had the most wonderful visit, though. Four weeks of time with my parents, Memmae and Popi, meant that they got to experience lots of our routine and many new accomplishments on the part of both boys. They really bonded with them, and I can tell that part of the difficulty for them in settling back down at home has been separation from their grandparents.

***

Getting back to Portland is fraught with meaning for me as a mama. The last month closed my first year as a mother, and also brought to an end the time I had set aside to be staying at home with the boys. Financially, I can't swing it anymore. We're losing our private health insurance this month, and I haven't been able to find the time to grow my business to the point where I'm making enough regular money. It's all ok - I have room to be flexible and deal with these changes and challenges, but it means that I am going to have to find reserves of energy, clear thought, frugality, and patience in deeper places than I have yet had to search.

the birth day mama and her boys

The next few months loom in front of me and seem to be a kind of proving ground for me as a single mother to my beautiful sons. I face the reality that I will be spending less and less time with them at a point in their development when they are learning, changing, and accomplishing new things every day. I will certainly miss many of their milestones in the moment of unfolding. I fear the sadness I will feel on days when I spend time with them only in the hardest hours of their day, and when I think of them growing more attached to other care givers, I feel both happy for their expanded world of people who love them and loss at having to share their precious daily hours with someone else.

When I was 21 and in my first marriage, I started trying to have children. Fifteen years, three relationships, countless pregnancy tests, 12 cities, three languages, a Bachelor's Degree, hours and hours of therapy, yoga, meditation, self-reflection, and a complete re-orientation of my life later, I am a mother. Everything in that list except becoming a mom seems now to just have been stepping stones - secondary to the drive and deep, consuming desire to be raising children. To say I wouldn't change a thing wouldn't be true - I don't think I have fully come to terms with all of the loss I endured over those long, heartbreaking years - but to finally be living my dream of having children is miracuous, and is the source of rivers and oceans of gratitude.

The next chapter to unfold is the one where I get to continue to co-create a family with the boys and - for now - my sister, and it's also the part where I get to dream up and realize the contribution I want to make through my career. I have just become aware of how I put aside getting clear about my vocation in my quest to be a mother - how exciting (and scary) that I can now begin to hone in on my talents, my strengths, and the unique way I can give back to this world through my work. I have walked in enough shoes, worked a great variety of jobs, and seen myself succeed in diverse situations to know that if I can just empty my mind of fear and expectation, I can and will discover my calling that is ready to emerge from within. It will be when I find that familiar excitement and joy that I will know I am on the right track.

And so we go on. I'll try in the upcoming posts to catch you up on the last month, and hope you'll share your own victories and inspirations with me as I knuckle down in the months to come. I'm glad to have this place to try to make sense of it all.

stolen moments

Baby 1 is asleep for his second nap of the day. Baby 2, still fussing. It's been 20 minutes already, and I'm just sitting here on the floor, going over my list, talking and shushing him as he falls asleep. Occasionally I go to the crib to reposition and quiet him some more. When will he be asleep?? OK, finally. Both babies are sleeping. Baby 1 has been down for 20 minutes, and Baby 2 just fell asleep. I might have 10 minutes or an hour before Baby 1 wakes up. What can I do in 10 minutes, or 5? A shower? Breakfast that I won't forget in the microwave? Open and pay a bill? Do I need to make bottles? A shower. I'll grab a shower.

Over and over again, throughout the day, the internal conversations continue. What can I get done now? What should I be doing? There is no down time, no time to really sit quietly without all of the demands of keeping this household (and new business!) running weighing on me. It's a good thing I have always been the kind of person who would work on tasks a little at a time, jumping from one thing to another. In the past, I thought this a weakness, but now it is the key to my survival!

a day in the life... or was this just a morning?

With a ton of crafty mama friends with one or more children, I wonder how they do it. Time to knit? Quilt? Make baby clothes? All while keeping house, baking fresh bread and meals? It's a mystery.

I've learned that the most helpful thing is to keep a master list of all the things that need to get done, and break that down into daily tasks, no matter how small. Somehow I always think I can keep all of this in my minute-to-minute brain, only to find myself with 2 or 5 or 20 minutes, not knowing what to do or where to start. Then I end up refreshing my home page on Facebook or checking Bloglines, only to find that all my free time has gone the way of the dinosaurs.

* fill water bottle
* call dentist to schedule cleaning
* come up with list of questions for doctor's appointment
* split circular-knitted vest at armpits so i can continue knitting
* install Office upgrade
* make x, y, and z phone call
* pay monthly bills
* groceries
* print photos for grandparents
* send Mother's Day cards

OK, that was my list from last week, when I started writing this post. Most of the items got done! Sadly, not the knitting, the photos, or the cards. Better luck this week!

here we go again

Tonight we resume our Sleep Training Schedule.

I'd been waiting for the Sick to be gone and Teething to subside in order to re-start sleep training, but it has become clear to me that there may never be An Ideal Time, as now the teething continues for both wee ones, the mama and little Shoghi are still not completely well, and Seasonal Allergies have descended on our home. (Actually, the allergies are making me a bit fuzzy today, so this post may come and go in its clarity!) Since my parents are coming to town in just under 2 weeks, it seems critical now that we make some real progress before they arrive. It's nice to have a "deadline." They've been very supportive of me and my process of coming to terms with first putting the boys in cribs, and then deciding that they really did need some direct assistance with learning to fall asleep on their own, so it would be nice if we could display some new skills while they are here. Of course, better sleep will also mean better moods for the boys, and it would certanainly be great to be able to have that be the case while they are here.

Before speaking with our sleep coach, I read and re-read Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West. I have two mama peers who have used this book to help their babies to sleep better, one of whom also has twins. I felt that West's book provided the most realistic and comfortable plan I've seen, with her no-nonsense conclusion that changing your baby's habits may cause some stress and frustration for your babe (resulting in some crying), and maybe more direct and scheduled strategy (aka the Sleep Lady Shuffle) than the approach in No Cry Sleep Solution, which seemed nice but rather amorphous to me. Sleep training might just continue forever if I take (continue to take) such a "gentle" path. Anyway, I know it probably seems like I'm throwing these names and ideas around without much background... I just thought maybe these book names would be helpful to someone else.

Yesterday afternoon, I spent about an hour on the phone with Suzanne, our sleep coach. We went over the recent sleep behavior of both boys, but focused more on Shoghi, who hasn't really started yet. We talked about how much he's eating and when, his temperament, and my anxiety about working with him due to his high-level upsets. She reminded me that he can and does fall asleep in other situations, and that it involved a process of learning how to do that (as in the car. When he was tiny, he would be so upset in the car, and now he is very relaxed and falls asleep so peacefully there). She pointed out that soon enough he will be displaying the same kind of high emotion as a toddler, and I will be parenting through that part of his temperament always. Not that this served to scare me any less, but it helps to be reminded that this is just who he is, and the more I get used to supporting him through his emotions, the better off we'll all be.

Anyway, tonight we begin. Shoghi's crib is being moved into our extra room, and I will sleep in Laurie's room next door, while she takes up residence in my room with Max, who will have a bit of revising to his own sleep routine. Specifically, we're going to stop swaddling him. He's so ready to be done with the swaddle, but sadly, it means re-training him to go to sleep without its comfort. He goes a little nuts with all the freedom, and does a lot of rolling around the crib fussing, not knowing what to do with himself. We decided to train them both at the same time, so that we can all get back to being in the same room as soon as possible. She promises that if I am really consistent with Shoghi for the next 3 nights, we will be most of the way there. She also asked us to hold off making any changes to our napping routine while we're working on nighttime sleep.

Today is the boys' 8-month birthday. It seems special, given their birthday of 8/8/08... but mostly it makes me reflect on how far we've come in those 8 months. God, how could it be such a short, fleeting time that has transformed them from their 3-pound selves into these substantial, thriving, larger-than-life beings? I'm still in utter astonishment that I have been through this metamorphosis from a woman bearing the burden of 15+ years of infertility to a mama of two sons! I was listening to Carolyn Myss yesterday in the car, and she said (extreme paraphrase warning) that when you live in grace you make bold and audacious choices, and wow, this certainly has been the case for me. Choosing my ultimate path to motherhood was surprising, unconventional, and certainly bold and trusting of the powers of God or Universe or whatever you want to call it. And here we are, living my dream. I like to think that, in some way, it was their dream, too.

I am standing on the doorstep to the next phase in my own life - and this one I am less clear about than the last. How am I going to transform my life from what it is now (stay-at-home mom living on quickly depleting savings)? What is my vision of the next phase? The first part came so easily - imagining getting pregnant, quitting my job, moving across the country - but I have yet to become as clear about what's to come. This month's birth anniversary is yet another reminder that it's my job to be clear, to deliberately create the next part of our story. I thought that the arrival of the new Aries moon on 3/26 would afford me some time and inspiration to gain that vision, but I have had neither time nor dramatic new ideas. If anything, I have been overwhelmed yet again, this time by sickness and exhaustion. Yet another experience of motherhood is the lack of time to think. The fog of sleeplessness and the immediacy of need of the babies has me constantly humming, and leaves me feeling cotton-brained when faced with strategizing my/our future.

It's not a bad thing, necessarily. Being in this new place brings to my attention the need to shift my practices, to make time by expanding brief moments of quiet, to make more bold, concentrated visions of what I want. Reflecting on it this way, it seems a very powerful time in my own life... such enormous developmental changes are upon my children and at the same time my own inner world is being shaken down, to be rebuilt on a (hopefully) more solid, cathartic foundation (can there be such a thing?) that could allow me to continue to live in the life-changing grace that has flowed into my life already. Pretty exciting, really.

And so here we are again. Tonight I begin to teach my dear boy, my beautiful, emotive, passionate-about-being-with-mama son to fall asleep on his own. May I be guided to support him in just the right way, may the angels and the Concourse on High, the essence of grace and the mercy of God surround him as he learns. May it be much easier than I expect, and lead to his growth, his well-being, and ultimately, 12 hours of nighttime sleep.