solstice

a late afternoon nap on mama's back

Sometimes we get so caught up in the largeness, the constant pull to now-ness, of these children, that we forget just how small they are.

a trip to Laurelhurst Park involved much tree touching and looking up, up, up.

On Monday, we took our annual trip to the beach for Laurie's birthday. It also happened to be Solstice. We were blessed with a mostly rain-free day, and the boys got to re-discover the sand, the surf, the waves. Having grown up in the salty air of Cape Cod, returns to the coastal waters are refreshing for my very soul. It was a good day.

Happy ThanksBirthday!

Being a late November baby as I am, my birthday always falls on Thanksgiving weekend. I wish I could find the card Laurie made for me when she was about seven years old - complete with a happy birthday girl, a turkey, and a mash-up name for a Thanksgiving birthday. I still have it somewhere... if I find it soon, I'll add it to the post.

Anyway, in spite of the stress I'm carrying around under the surface as mentioned in my last post, I do always feel like I am living my dream. The "problems" I have to solve these days are all a result of choosing this life, and despite the uncertainty and inner turmoil, I am grateful to have the opportunity to work through this all and come up with the next plan.

Thanks for Photos and for Family

Last month I told you we were going out to have a photo session and never came back to it. Well, we recently got our photos, and my friends, they do not disappoint. I can't tell you how special it is for Laurie and I to be captured playing with (read: chasing) the boys. I am filled with such deep emotion seeing the four of us together - you never know how close you will end up to your siblings, and let me tell you, I couldn't even dream up a better sister. To have her with us, to be a part of her developing career as an illustrator (can we say major new wholesale accounts??), to have someone to share the daily joys, laughter, exhaustion, and discovery of my miraculous children with... it is all a gift beyond measure. I know I go on and on about her, but really - how lucky are we? Soooooooooooooooooo lucky!!

up and down the stairs at Portland's Downtown Library
Photo by Nicole Renae

Nicole, our truly lovely friend and photographer, wrote about our session here, and has given me permission to share her photos online. If you're in Portland and want to meet both a fabulous lady and a gifted photographer, give Nicole a call. She's terrific. Here's a flickr set with some additional photos that aren't in either this post or in Nicole's.

reading is fundamental!

we thought the children's room at the library would be a great fit, given our family's culture of loving books.
Photo by Nicole Renae

Auntie and Shoghi signing "bird"
Photo by Nicole Renae

There is such an abundance of things that move me to send my deep thanks up to the heavens: my incredibly supportive parents and brother (and Whitney!), Korin and my amazing community of friends both in Portland and spread out across the country and world, this beautiful place we live... the list is continuously flowing. Thanks to you and all of this goodness from my heart and soul - 36 was a great year. May 37 (for me) bring us all light upon light, joy upon joy. Thanks for being a part of our journey.

one

So far, travel has not benefited the blogging! Sorry we went MIA as soon as we stepped on the plane... it seems that my time at the computer since arriving in MA has been curtailed. At home, the computer is out and about while I watch the boys, but here, it's in a room the boys are not allowed in. Anyway, that's just to explain why so much time has one by, and why I'm going to keep this short.

Yesterday, my babies turned ONE! I'm still in shock over it - their toddler-ness is so evident, and they are no longer my tiny, sleepy, fragile preemies they were a year ago. They are the greatest gift I have received in my life, and surely their presence will be a guiding force for the rest of my days.

I have a post brewing, but not sure when I'm going to be able to write and post it. I've also got some photos - hopefully they'll go up a little sooner.

Loving greetings to all of you, my faithful friends! I miss sharing our adventures and reading yours, and can't wait to get caught up soon!

here we go again

Tonight we resume our Sleep Training Schedule.

I'd been waiting for the Sick to be gone and Teething to subside in order to re-start sleep training, but it has become clear to me that there may never be An Ideal Time, as now the teething continues for both wee ones, the mama and little Shoghi are still not completely well, and Seasonal Allergies have descended on our home. (Actually, the allergies are making me a bit fuzzy today, so this post may come and go in its clarity!) Since my parents are coming to town in just under 2 weeks, it seems critical now that we make some real progress before they arrive. It's nice to have a "deadline." They've been very supportive of me and my process of coming to terms with first putting the boys in cribs, and then deciding that they really did need some direct assistance with learning to fall asleep on their own, so it would be nice if we could display some new skills while they are here. Of course, better sleep will also mean better moods for the boys, and it would certanainly be great to be able to have that be the case while they are here.

Before speaking with our sleep coach, I read and re-read Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West. I have two mama peers who have used this book to help their babies to sleep better, one of whom also has twins. I felt that West's book provided the most realistic and comfortable plan I've seen, with her no-nonsense conclusion that changing your baby's habits may cause some stress and frustration for your babe (resulting in some crying), and maybe more direct and scheduled strategy (aka the Sleep Lady Shuffle) than the approach in No Cry Sleep Solution, which seemed nice but rather amorphous to me. Sleep training might just continue forever if I take (continue to take) such a "gentle" path. Anyway, I know it probably seems like I'm throwing these names and ideas around without much background... I just thought maybe these book names would be helpful to someone else.

Yesterday afternoon, I spent about an hour on the phone with Suzanne, our sleep coach. We went over the recent sleep behavior of both boys, but focused more on Shoghi, who hasn't really started yet. We talked about how much he's eating and when, his temperament, and my anxiety about working with him due to his high-level upsets. She reminded me that he can and does fall asleep in other situations, and that it involved a process of learning how to do that (as in the car. When he was tiny, he would be so upset in the car, and now he is very relaxed and falls asleep so peacefully there). She pointed out that soon enough he will be displaying the same kind of high emotion as a toddler, and I will be parenting through that part of his temperament always. Not that this served to scare me any less, but it helps to be reminded that this is just who he is, and the more I get used to supporting him through his emotions, the better off we'll all be.

Anyway, tonight we begin. Shoghi's crib is being moved into our extra room, and I will sleep in Laurie's room next door, while she takes up residence in my room with Max, who will have a bit of revising to his own sleep routine. Specifically, we're going to stop swaddling him. He's so ready to be done with the swaddle, but sadly, it means re-training him to go to sleep without its comfort. He goes a little nuts with all the freedom, and does a lot of rolling around the crib fussing, not knowing what to do with himself. We decided to train them both at the same time, so that we can all get back to being in the same room as soon as possible. She promises that if I am really consistent with Shoghi for the next 3 nights, we will be most of the way there. She also asked us to hold off making any changes to our napping routine while we're working on nighttime sleep.

Today is the boys' 8-month birthday. It seems special, given their birthday of 8/8/08... but mostly it makes me reflect on how far we've come in those 8 months. God, how could it be such a short, fleeting time that has transformed them from their 3-pound selves into these substantial, thriving, larger-than-life beings? I'm still in utter astonishment that I have been through this metamorphosis from a woman bearing the burden of 15+ years of infertility to a mama of two sons! I was listening to Carolyn Myss yesterday in the car, and she said (extreme paraphrase warning) that when you live in grace you make bold and audacious choices, and wow, this certainly has been the case for me. Choosing my ultimate path to motherhood was surprising, unconventional, and certainly bold and trusting of the powers of God or Universe or whatever you want to call it. And here we are, living my dream. I like to think that, in some way, it was their dream, too.

I am standing on the doorstep to the next phase in my own life - and this one I am less clear about than the last. How am I going to transform my life from what it is now (stay-at-home mom living on quickly depleting savings)? What is my vision of the next phase? The first part came so easily - imagining getting pregnant, quitting my job, moving across the country - but I have yet to become as clear about what's to come. This month's birth anniversary is yet another reminder that it's my job to be clear, to deliberately create the next part of our story. I thought that the arrival of the new Aries moon on 3/26 would afford me some time and inspiration to gain that vision, but I have had neither time nor dramatic new ideas. If anything, I have been overwhelmed yet again, this time by sickness and exhaustion. Yet another experience of motherhood is the lack of time to think. The fog of sleeplessness and the immediacy of need of the babies has me constantly humming, and leaves me feeling cotton-brained when faced with strategizing my/our future.

It's not a bad thing, necessarily. Being in this new place brings to my attention the need to shift my practices, to make time by expanding brief moments of quiet, to make more bold, concentrated visions of what I want. Reflecting on it this way, it seems a very powerful time in my own life... such enormous developmental changes are upon my children and at the same time my own inner world is being shaken down, to be rebuilt on a (hopefully) more solid, cathartic foundation (can there be such a thing?) that could allow me to continue to live in the life-changing grace that has flowed into my life already. Pretty exciting, really.

And so here we are again. Tonight I begin to teach my dear boy, my beautiful, emotive, passionate-about-being-with-mama son to fall asleep on his own. May I be guided to support him in just the right way, may the angels and the Concourse on High, the essence of grace and the mercy of God surround him as he learns. May it be much easier than I expect, and lead to his growth, his well-being, and ultimately, 12 hours of nighttime sleep.

6 months

Dear boys,

Last Sunday, you turned 6 months old. Since you've been a part of my life, I have counted your time in hours, days, and weeks, and somewhere in the recent past, I have come to think of you as months old. In no time at all, we'll be counting your lives in years, and that is unbelievable to me. For so many years, you were just a wish, and now you are here, growing and becoming my beautiful, amazing sons. It takes my breath away.

In the past two months, you've had such adventures, it's hard to recall and count them all. You had your first air travel, going to and from Massachusetts. You spent time with family - you met and had such a great time with your great grandparents, your great aunts and uncles, cousins and lots of old friends who are as close as family. You learned to smile and laugh, roll your little bodies over, and imitate our facial expressions. You've gone from sleepy little babies to something totally different - what is the name for this stage of infancy? Every day is an unfolding of your abilities, your characters, your paths through life.

This new stage has brought along many challenges for me as your mama. Your sleep patterns have changed, bringing less down time for me to get things done, and making it so that I seem to be getting less sleep than when you were tiny babies. How can that be, though? I don't know, but something has changed, and it's left me exhausted! Part of it is that you're both teething - you've been showing signs of it for several weeks now. Poor Maxy, it is making you so miserable. It seems like, since your first hard days in the NICU, this has been your biggest test. I only hope I'm giving you the support you need to get through it. Sometimes it's hard to tell exactly what you need!

You now demand full attention while you are awake, wanting to interact and fussing when I'm not with you. It's hard on all three of us (and Auntie Laurie, too!) because it makes it hard for me to spend one on one time with either of you. I'm so thankful for my Kangaroo Korner pouch - now I can carry you around in it in a hip carry, leaving my hands free to get some things done. But we do have fun! You reward our work of keeping you entertained with playful expressions, silly faces, gorgeous, light-up-the-world smiles and brilliant laughter.

This month, you've started eating food. We had our first meal with your memere and popi - the rice cereal we chose to give you was a real hit! The next food was avocado, which Shoghi loved. After that was pears, which you both like, and last has been bananas, which Max gobbles up like there's no tomorrow. Your little tummies aren't quite used to the whole digestion thing yet, so we're taking it slow.

Finally, on your birthday, we moved into our new home. It's a really big deal - since you were born, we've been living with Korin, Ryan and Ruby, and now, you, Auntie Laurie and I are all living in our own place. It's got room for us to continue to grow as a family, with a nice big bedroom for the three of us, a bedroom for Laurie, a studio/office for her and I both to do our work from home, and a downstairs that has a great, roomy space for us to spend most of our time. It's funny, too, since this coincides with the end of the so-called "fourth trimester" had you been born on time... we all were held by our wonderful and gracious friends while we adjusted to life together, and now we get to spread our wings and do it ourselves.

In the next half a year, so much is going to change. You've got so much growing to do, and so much to discover. It's going to be such a miracle to watch. Meanwhile, mama has to start working again, so that's going to be another possibly big transision ahead of us. I know it's going to be hard work for us all, but full of fun, adventure, and joyful discovery at the same time. I'm so grateful to be your mama and to be here with you as you grow.

I love you, Shoghi; I love you, Maxwell!
your mama

monday roundup

5 months, one day old.

I'm taking a cue from this mama, and am throwing aside all my grand ideas of a big, eloquent catch-up post.

• the blossoming has begun. i have always felt like being with babies starting at about 2-3 months old was like watching a flower slowly open, and my own boys have really begun this process of unfolding. it was a major reason i have wanted to have children myself - to be a part of this magical becoming-a-person. i am so thrilled to watch and participate in this with maxwell and shoghi.
  

they are so much more in tune to the world, imitate facial expressions and sounds, grab and grasp at objects and now bring these objects to their mouths. it's magical every day (even when it's not, lol).

swatchy came with us on vacation, thanks to laurie, who sent him to us via UPS!

• laughter has descended on our little family! max uttered his first delighted giggle on 12/26 for me, while we were visiting my grandma & grandpa, and then shoghi first laughed for his memere on 12/26 while she was playing with him. did you know that the navajo have a first laugh ceremony?? how wonderful!
• along with laughter, the boys have really started to love using their voices. they love to screech, gurgle, and make all kinds of other undefinable sounds. it's so much fun!
  
• the boys hit their FIVE MONTH BIRTHDAY on 1/8, and to give proper fanfare for the date, they both spent the evening rolling over! it was max's first time, and shoghi's rediscovery of this skill he first played with a few months ago. shoghi is making all the moves towards (gasp) crawling, and max isn't far behind. they're both rising way up at a 90* angle during tummy time.
  
• this week, they also discovered each other. what a joy! they look at each other now, and shoghi was even laughing at max yesterday. i'm just so excited to watch their relationship develop.

• sleep - dare i mention sleep? well, it changes a LOT, but for the most part, they're sleeping from 9pm until about 9am, with 2 wake-ups in between. we start the night with them each sleeping in a car seat (they sleep in them because it's easy to move them upstairs when i go to bed, and because they used to hate them so much, i figured it would be a good idea to get the twins used to being in them). when they wake up (if they wake up), i bring them into bed after feeding them. then we get us somewhere between 5 and 7am for the next feeding, and then go back to sleep until 8 or 9. there is a lot of variability, including sometimes several nights in a row of much reduced sleep, but this is the general picture.

• nursing. sigh. nursing is my biggest success and my biggest failure. it's the thing i will have to heal from, in much the same way that many women process and heal after trying for a vaginal birth and end up having a c-section, i suppose. let's just say for now that i persist, giving both boys lact-aids when i can, bottles when i have to, and shoghi nurses throughout the night. it has been a very challenging and disappointing journey for me... a seperate post is certainly warrented for this subject. i don't plan to start any solid foods until after they are 6 months adjusted age (2 months from now), so this current setup will continue to be our strategy for a while.

so, that's about it! did i miss anything? lmk in comments and i'll address it in the next post.
love to all,
celeste.

just quickly

laurie's got some cute new photos up on flickr!

today's the boy's four month birthday, and i've got to admit it, i have no time for a thoughtful post. maybe after they go to sleep tonight, and after i clean up, make bottles and lact-aids, eat dinner, pay bills and write a couple more birth announcements. can it still be called an announcement four months after the fact???

these cuter-than-cute booties are just one of the many, many handmade
things the boys have at their little finger and toe tips...

Three Months

Dear Shoghi and Maxwell,

Today you are three months old. I suppose for the rest of our lives, I will be saying "I can't believe you are __ old," but really, how is it possible that you were born so long ago already? How could you have gone from those two fragile, tiny bodies to these two robust, vibrant beings?

Shoghi, right after birth

touching Shoghi for the first time

Maxwell, right after his birth

touching Maxwell for the first time

To say that I love you doesn't begin to capture this experience. Your presence has awed and humbled me. Many times a day, I will have you in my arms and wonder at the fact that you are my sons. Your joy and your pain twist my heart and in those moments of sensing your experience in this world, I know I will forever be a servant to your needs - it is a command stamped into the very fiber of my being. You are the essence of beauty; you are the bringers of delight.

Shoghi, from the moment you were born, you have captured our hearts. Many of the people who love you observe that you have a wisdom to you, a kind of seriousnessthat radiates from your face and hands. You are so expressive with your hands, your Popi wonders if you will be a piano player, while the rest of us simply sit entranced by the gentle dances you perform with your long, delicate fingers. You have the look of an older child - since you were tiny, I could look at you and see the boy you will grow into, gentle and mischevious and sweet. For now, though, you are my baby, with your indominable, insistent way that makes us all snap to attention.

Shoghi.
photo by Amy Schmeets

Maxwell, you are the ultimate love. You have many nicknames, but the one I think of right now is one we don't use often: Maxwise... you have the essence of a faithful companion and often we compare you to Frodo's loyal Samwise. Your spirit seems to be infused with a tender earnestness and patience that make you both vulnerable and a joy to be around. Physically, you are the embodiment of BABY - your chubby, rosy cheeks and your perfect rosebud lips fill me with delight. Your clear, bright eyes have engaged and mesmerised us all from the day you were born. You coo and gaze at the world and any day now your beautiful face is going to burst into a huge grin, a moment I am waiting for with every fiber of my being. Many have said that you exude a spirit of love, and I have to agree. As you grow older, your charm will propel you outward, but I fear you will also have to learn to protect yourself - your tender loving, eager heart may make you susceptible to being put aside in favor if those more demanding. Whatever the case, I'll be here to guide and protect you, to help you find the powers you need to let your gorgeous spirit emerge and shine.

Maxwell.
photo by Amy Schmeets

Over the last month, you have both woken up to the world. You spend more and more time looking around and meeting our gazes with your eyes. You watch shadows and movement, and you now make your sweet baby sounds that cause my heart to soar. As your bodies grow bigger and stronger, you have also been able to endure delays in eating and sleep more graciously, which makes life easier and happier for us all.


To say I look forward to watching you discover the world is as inadequate a statement as any ever made - I think it will be pure magic. I love you each for who you are, and together for the family we have become.

love,
your mama

3-Week Vitals

Happy 3-Week birthday to my sweet, sweet boys!

Thanks to Grandma Dort for these cute sleepers!

Max, snuggling with mama for some kangaroo care
current weight: 5lbs, 10oz (birth weight: 3lbs, 15oz)

Shoghi seems to be trending towards taking all of his food by mouth!
Here he is without his gavage (feeding tube)
Current weight: 4lbs, 9oz (birth weight: 3lbs, 7oz)

last night

I don't often bring clothes to the hospital for the boys - the staff have warned me that leaving clothes there can lead to losing them to the hospital laundry - but birthdays are the exception. Yesterday was their 2-week birthday, so I brought along some hand knits to make the occasion special. My dear friend knittah sent these diaper covers for us while I was still on bedrest, and Korin's husband's Aunt Mary whipped up 2 matching sweater sets in preemie size after the boys were born. What could be better than babies bundled up in knits? Not much, I tell you!

34 weeks

Shoghi on left, Maxwell on right

Gestational age, that is. Today marks 34 weeks of life, and tomorrow marks two weeks since my beautiful boys were born.

Today, they are both at least a half a pound heavier than their birth weight, and continue to thrive as expected. They're heartbreakingly dear to me, and it just kills me to leave them every day. After speaking with the doctor today, it's clear that the plan remains the same as it was when they were first born: they will probably stay in the hospital until about 36 weeks gestational age. A terrible thought for their poor mama.

You might think that after all I went through to keep the boys on board for 4 extra weeks, combined with their exceptional health status, I'd just be filled with gratitude and patience, and happily go along with this plan... but honestly, though I am of course very, very grateful for this set of circumstances, it is one of the most painful things I've endured to leave my sweet boys in the hospital day after day. I worry about them when I'm not there, and worry about whether our separation during this sacred time that's supposed to be our time to bond with each other will impact our relationship long term. It might not be the most rational thought, but it haunts me and fills me with deep sadness.

Here, in lieu of photos of my own, are some blog posts that will melt your heart, featuring of course, dear Shoghi and darling Maxwell. (if you're the weepy type, make sure to grab a tissue or two)

And since I'm finishing this post on their second week birth day, I send my most profoundly loving and tender thoughts their way on this clear, bright morning. Love doesn't even describe how I feel for you, my sweet, beautiful boys.

Laurie's blog: back to work

Korin's blog: dear universe

Laurie's blog: nice to meet you

Maxwell, last Friday, celebrating one week

week one in photos

"O Thou by whose Name the sea of joy moveth and the fragrance of happiness is wafted. I ask Thee to show me from the wonders of Thy favor, that which shall brighten my eyes and shall gladden my heart. Verily, Thou art the Giver, the Generous."

Baha'u'llah

Happy One Week Birthday to my two sweet boys. You have melted my heart within me.

Some photos from Week One