resolution

I've never been much of a resolutions person. As a teen and young adult when these kinds of rituals get established, I suppose, I felt more like I was straddling two calendars. As a young Baha'i, I saved my heart for Naw-Ruz on March 21st... it always felt like a better time for resolutions, being the first of spring. Without a real sense of greater community and culture behind it, though, my dedication to marking the beginning of a year began to fade, especially as I became more and more enmeshed in Chinese culture and began celebrating yet another new year on the lunar Spring Festival. For several years, I've also been using the renewing energy of the Aries new moon to launch my true resolutions and focus on what I wish to come to pass in the form of a treasure map (or vision board). I love this ritual and plan to revive it this year!

Now that I have kids, and maybe more importantly now that I am trying to regain my sanity after a year plus of being a mom of twins, marking the new year with some kind of a plan seems refreshingly appropriate. I feel like it's a time to a least set one big intention and imagine what I want to be saying on New Year's Eve a year from now.

My wish for myself, and my resolution for the year to come is to find my Voice again. For so long my life was ruled by the deep and all-consuming desire to be a mother - that was the voice I most identified with. I knew what my goal was, and now I have these two beautiful children.

Now for many months I have been struggling to find what's next. I'm so busy and generally overwhelmed, I haven't been able to really hear what I even want. Do I want to continue staying home full time? Do I want to pour myself into making Bamboo Village Press a business that sustains us financially? Do I want another child? Do I want to stay in Portland with my chosen community, or does my constant guilt over not being close to the elders in my family need to be acted upon? By the end of the year, I would love to know the whispers of my deepest heart on these matters, and allow them to emerge as clear, joyful intention.

Often when I think of blogging, I feel full of complaints. I want to vent and moan about how hard this is, about how I have no idea how to keep going, about how lost I feel. I don't want to be that voice, though, which is why I often remain silent. I don't want to be mistaken for someone who is not living on a strong foundation of abiding gratitude. I don't want my friends and family to interpret my frustrations and think that their abundant support isn't already enough. Half the time I go to post an update on Facebook, I end up deleting it for fear that all I do there is give voice to my discontent.

Last night, I decided that I do have a positive story to tell - one that is genuine and perhaps even helpful. I've decided to focus for a while on our daily strategies - I think this will help me to acknowledge the things that are working as I try to continually provide an interesting, fun place for the boys to learn and grow, as well as the things I do for myself to engage my voice, creativity, and sisu! It should help to ground me in our daily successes, rather than give in to the feeling of exhausted defeat I often feel. I'm even hoping to interview some other toddler moms and mama entrepreneurs to learn their tips and tricks. I hope by the end of the year, this will have unfolded into a story of successfully learning to guide the boys and myself into the next phase of living!

Happy New Year to all of you - thank you for continuing to ride along with me on this crazy journey!