Friday, January 1, 2010

resolution

I've never been much of a resolutions person. As a teen and young adult when these kinds of rituals get established, I suppose, I felt more like I was straddling two calendars. As a young Baha'i, I saved my heart for Naw-Ruz on March 21st... it always felt like a better time for resolutions, being the first of spring. Without a real sense of greater community and culture behind it, though, my dedication to marking the beginning of a year began to fade, especially as I became more and more enmeshed in Chinese culture and began celebrating yet another new year on the lunar Spring Festival. For several years, I've also been using the renewing energy of the Aries new moon to launch my true resolutions and focus on what I wish to come to pass in the form of a treasure map (or vision board). I love this ritual and plan to revive it this year!

Now that I have kids, and maybe more importantly now that I am trying to regain my sanity after a year plus of being a mom of twins, marking the new year with some kind of a plan seems refreshingly appropriate. I feel like it's a time to a least set one big intention and imagine what I want to be saying on New Year's Eve a year from now.

My wish for myself, and my resolution for the year to come is to find my Voice again. For so long my life was ruled by the deep and all-consuming desire to be a mother - that was the voice I most identified with. I knew what my goal was, and now I have these two beautiful children.

Now for many months I have been struggling to find what's next. I'm so busy and generally overwhelmed, I haven't been able to really hear what I even want. Do I want to continue staying home full time? Do I want to pour myself into making Bamboo Village Press a business that sustains us financially? Do I want another child? Do I want to stay in Portland with my chosen community, or does my constant guilt over not being close to the elders in my family need to be acted upon? By the end of the year, I would love to know the whispers of my deepest heart on these matters, and allow them to emerge as clear, joyful intention.

Often when I think of blogging, I feel full of complaints. I want to vent and moan about how hard this is, about how I have no idea how to keep going, about how lost I feel. I don't want to be that voice, though, which is why I often remain silent. I don't want to be mistaken for someone who is not living on a strong foundation of abiding gratitude. I don't want my friends and family to interpret my frustrations and think that their abundant support isn't already enough. Half the time I go to post an update on Facebook, I end up deleting it for fear that all I do there is give voice to my discontent.

Last night, I decided that I do have a positive story to tell - one that is genuine and perhaps even helpful. I've decided to focus for a while on our daily strategies - I think this will help me to acknowledge the things that are working as I try to continually provide an interesting, fun place for the boys to learn and grow, as well as the things I do for myself to engage my voice, creativity, and sisu! It should help to ground me in our daily successes, rather than give in to the feeling of exhausted defeat I often feel. I'm even hoping to interview some other toddler moms and mama entrepreneurs to learn their tips and tricks. I hope by the end of the year, this will have unfolded into a story of successfully learning to guide the boys and myself into the next phase of living!

Happy New Year to all of you - thank you for continuing to ride along with me on this crazy journey!

9 comments:

  1. Hi friend, peace...
    Your blog very interesting.
    If you willing visit my blog, and read my article at http://sosiologidakwah.blogspot.com
    And... if you love books, read The Holy Qur'an please...

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  2. lol to the above comment!

    though i do love and also recommend the Qur'an of course ,))

    we had the Islamic new year not long ago.
    i guess the focus in the Islamic NY is spiritual intent. i certainly need to revive some of that after this first year with twins./

    i'm also thinking of what i'd like to do in the physical realm though, and am intrigued (and sometimes disappointed in an ego centric way) that it has all come about through what i dedicated to Allah through my children (being a sahm in their early years, home edding, natural health choices etc...)

    in my youth, i kind of wanted to do something outwardly for the world (like teaching, where ratio of effort to effect is maximised), and my reality is all inward.

    it's better that way (for me) but i'm still adjusting to it 10 years on...your journey as a parent has just begun in that sense, so tread softly on those dreams of yours as they unfold.
    ((C))

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  3. Aw, Shukr, I love having you around. Does the Islamic NY also begin after fasting, as the Baha'i one does? It seems like such a remarkable way to really look over the previous year and re-dedicate spiritually.

    I have been losing my footing in my spiritual beliefs over the past decade... I blame it on my disillusionment after my lost marriages and living with agnostics, ha ha ha. It's so easy to be cynical. It's strange to be in a place of such loose faith at such a critical time for my kids.

    Anyway, I agree with what you said about re-evaluating dreams as we go through this life...

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  4. i feel like you spoke my words about blogging and facebook updates! love you!

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  5. What a lovely resolution. And a big one!

    Don't worry about feeling like you're complaining - venting is something we all need to do! But I like your idea of blogging about daily strategies. I know many of us would probably love to hear your hints, tricks and fun and exasperating stories about daily life with twin toddlers. :-)

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  6. This post reminds me of the growth of a sunflower. The head of the flower begins so small only to grow to an extravagant size. Even then each petal takes its time to open towards the sun and even then they need a bit of ironing out before they are complete.

    I too am finding my voice after staying home for 5 years with my children. And yes, it is odd to be doing it without a solid foundation of faith and belief.

    Shortly after having my first daughter in 2004 my oldest and wisest sister, Lorrie, said "Sister, it takes seven years for a mama to find herself after having a baby." I'm not sure how much truth there is to this but I like to think that we should allow ourselves this time to explore, examine, experience and entertain new things that come into our new lives.

    Love you lady.

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  7. I know what you mean about straddling two calendars. It is so weird sometimes. I'm just beginning to find myself and the girls are almost 4. i hope you find the answers you need.

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  8. actually, INY begins with recommended fasts (not my strong point after years of preg and b'feeding!) but it's a few months after Ramadan (obligatory fasts for whoever can do them) and shortly after the month in which Hajj takes place, so there is a pretty intense build up.

    yeah, i think living with agnostics has got to take the edge off one's 'clarity' - but having children and feeling what you are *teaching them through your *state* by what they throw back at you. aaagh! it's a lesson.

    they are so pure and fresh: each age brings a new dimension.

    i also love the times when i'm uncertain and crying out for guidance. there is that childlike sincerity and goodness in it, kwim? waiting for the Creator to open us up into certainty. it's a spiral of expansion and contraction. each has it's necessary place.

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