Monday, January 11, 2010

somewhere beyond here

The picture doesn't show it, but I feel so adrift, so stressed out, so lost these days. My patience has washed away under a flood of anxiety, and I find it challenging to make it through the days without terrible feelings of failure - failure to discern my path, to find enough creative and engaging things for the boys, to manage this household calmly and with the finesse I tell myself most adults possess. I ask myself every day how I ever thought I could do this myself, and then I remember that I am doing it, that I couldn't have imagined how it would be to parent twins in this situation (or that my pursuit of parenthood would give me the blessing of having two babies at the same time), and that I would not change any of it, no matter how hard it is for me right now.

The fact is, I am trying. I am digging deeper than I have ever had to in my life. I do come up with new things for us to do every day, we get out and spend time with friends, and I am working hard to prepare good meals and bake bread. These things are important to me, and despite my inner turmoil, I am doing them. I have no choice but to reach for something better, to find myself in the midst of this personal crisis.

To make sure I have various kinds of support and a structure to focus my thoughts of creating a more healthy life, I've decided to take Mondo Beyondo again - the online class I took in October that guides participants through a process of becoming clear about their dreams, and then pursuing them.

This is all in line with my stated goal of 2010 of finding my voice. I'm relieved that the class starts today and I can place my frenzied mind into a calm, positive space.


  1. You're doing awesome, mama! I read today that between 1 and 2 years old is the hardest year raising babies. Just think of the bragging rights you have!

  2. Dear Celeste,
    I'm a fellow Class of January 2010 Mondo Beyondo-er and I read your comment on the first exercise with interest.
    I just wanted to reach out and say HI and that I look forward to getting to know you over the next five weeks.
    As a new Mum myself (though with only one, a ten month olf girl) I can totally relate to your feelings vis-a-vis "lack of finesse" and the sense that "other people do this effortlessly" even more so! I think you are amazing: I've never managed to bake bread for my little 'un. Some days, just getting organised to slice some cheese feels like an extraordinary achievement.
    I hope you don't mind me saying that having taken a quick look at your blogs, your voice is very strong and clear. You have such strength as a parent, writer, and creative professional, though I can relate to the challenge to devote time to the latter two aspects of your life.
    I hope Mondo Beyondo brings you everything you wish for.

  3. how is it that self doubt can be so defeating while others can see us in a totally different light? You are amazing to me, your mother, and I am praying for you to find your way and your voice once again.