30 days: self forgiveness

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

2002. Chengdu, Sichuan, China.

2002. Rural Sichuan, China. Rice Harvest.

OK, I'm already struggling with this a bit. I'm not too into public self-recrimination. I was raised to have as one of my core values that we speak directly with our Creator, and so do not offer confession to other people. It does defy some of my blogging, but I think processing is different from confessing.

I guess Day One was so obvious to me - this thing I really find terribly uncomfortable about being myself on a daily basis. I feel largely NOT in control of it. But now... something I have to forgive myself for? It's such a large response, so laden with history, and hopes lost, disappointments and shame. Put this in a blog post?

2006. Rural Sichuan. My father and mother-in-law.

There's something you might not realize when you first get married. In fact, you may never know it with great consciousness unless you find yourself at the end of that marriage; that is, when you marry someone, it is a bond of much more than two individuals. When the marriage ends, there is a great deal more lost than the already hugely significant relationship of those two people.

When D and I met in 2000, we were in his homeland of China. We lived there for two years before coming to the US - and actually, we never intended to stay here for as long as we did. While we were living in China, I grew attached to his parents, his sisters, and especially their children. There are three gorgeous children I met when they were wee things, and I will never see them again. They called me "Niang-Niang" - auntie - they trusted me, and I love them. They are lost to me. D's parents - I'm certain that both he and I ended up being a disappointment to them. Not only for the grandchildren I failed to bear while we were married, but for our weakness - our inability to weather the challenges of life and marriage as a unit.

2002, with my sisters-in-law, my nephew and niece.

2006, with my beautiful niece Ting-ting -
the same critter who is pouting something fierce in the first photo.

Certainly the dissolution of a marriage is not the fault of one person. Our marriage's failure is not something I masterminded. I am sad for mistakes I made, but I am wise enough, and take myself account often enough, to understand that these mistakes were unintentional, and were made trying to do the right thing. Who really cares who's fault it was anyway? But I did fail, and we did lose the family we tried to create, and to that whole family that was once mine... it is for those things that I need to find self-forgiveness. Should I do more to remain a part of these children's lives? I don't feel like I really can.

Thinking about it, though, I'm not sure that it's forgiveness I am needing, as much as time to heal from the loss. Such a sadness. The life I have since created is the one I always wanted, so it's not often I open the grief of what broke along the way.


***



Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

just one thing

as adults, there are many things we need to accomplish on any given day. as parents, that list increases exponentially, and as working-from-home parents, the number of things-to-do seems endlessly growing. because everything is at home, you never get a break like you do when leaving things at an office. when you are trying to stay afloat in this scenario and are living with Depression, it's a whole lot harder.

my own energy for concentrated attention in the few free moments i get during the day is very limited. it's like you're standing in the middle of a hurricane of noise, activity, and emotional need (produced by two toddlers), and all of a sudden everything stops and you expect yourself to get right to work. the house is in a shamble, and there are a hundred uncompleted tasks piled up everywhere, and your mind and body are still humming with movement. since i started working at home in the winter, the amount of visual, mental, and physical clutter has mounted and now has finally overwhelmed me. the boys seem to be echoing the lack of calm back to me, as in the past several days there has been a huge upswing in toy-throwing. i have taken to eliminating the toys one-by-one from our play space as they are tossed around.

this has all resulted in a decision. for the next month, i am going to drastically simplify things around here. even though it feels like a huge responsibility i am failing to uphold, i am going to put the cloth diapers away for one month. washing has become something for me to avoid, and has led to a lot of stress for me.

rather than telling myself that today i will (for example) be present for the boys, reply to emails, bake, sew, do wash, hang clothes on the line, screen print, and package and mail orders from my shops, i will force myself to do just one of the non-parenting things on my list. it's actually incredibly hard for me to work in this way - i'm much more of an impulsive do-er. i am going to have to do a major cleaning and somehow box and organize all of my in-progress projects. i have to be ready with everything i need for my artisan booth at opening day of our farmer's market on 6/13, and i actually feel fearful that by putting things away, i won't get anything done at all.

the reality is, though, that i am already in way over my head and feeling ineffective at accomplishing my tasks.

we'll see how it goes. please send your prayers and helpful energies my way - i really need some calm and support!

somewhere beyond here

The picture doesn't show it, but I feel so adrift, so stressed out, so lost these days. My patience has washed away under a flood of anxiety, and I find it challenging to make it through the days without terrible feelings of failure - failure to discern my path, to find enough creative and engaging things for the boys, to manage this household calmly and with the finesse I tell myself most adults possess. I ask myself every day how I ever thought I could do this myself, and then I remember that I am doing it, that I couldn't have imagined how it would be to parent twins in this situation (or that my pursuit of parenthood would give me the blessing of having two babies at the same time), and that I would not change any of it, no matter how hard it is for me right now.

The fact is, I am trying. I am digging deeper than I have ever had to in my life. I do come up with new things for us to do every day, we get out and spend time with friends, and I am working hard to prepare good meals and bake bread. These things are important to me, and despite my inner turmoil, I am doing them. I have no choice but to reach for something better, to find myself in the midst of this personal crisis.

To make sure I have various kinds of support and a structure to focus my thoughts of creating a more healthy life, I've decided to take Mondo Beyondo again - the online class I took in October that guides participants through a process of becoming clear about their dreams, and then pursuing them.

This is all in line with my stated goal of 2010 of finding my voice. I'm relieved that the class starts today and I can place my frenzied mind into a calm, positive space.

dream schemes

photo and prayer flags by Catherine Just

A group of lady friends has been gathering at our home on Thursday nights. We come together, this small group of tight-knit friends, to set aside a time during the week for hope, for positive change - for our dreams. Over the summer, I had thought about having something like a devotional gathering every week, a time set aside to gather for prayer in whatever way spoke to each participant, and that wish for a positive time of reflection seems to have emerged as our dreamy Thursday nights.

This week, we took inspiration from one of my fellow Mondo Beyondo participants who made a beautiful prayer flag gardland out of her wishes and dreams. You can actually meet Catherine, this wonderful mama and artist, by visiting the blog she keeps about her sweet son Max and their family, or check out her brand spanking new Etsy shop, in which she sells her beautiful prints.

We sat together, seven friends, talking about our wishes, clarifying affirmation statements, envisioning how each of us would design our own prayer flags. I had foolishly thought we'd do this project in an evening, but soon after we started (I have a tendency to seriously underestimate the time it will take to do almost everything), it became clear that this get-togther would only be a jumping off point for us to create such an intimate and meaningful physical manifestation of our deepest desires.

In case you're thinking about creating prayer flags, I thought I'd share not only the photo above, taken by Catherine of her own prayer flags, but two links that have come my way since last Thursday.

The first is an article that gives a how-to for making Tibetan prayer flags with kids.

The second is a lovely blog post about an art installation of a canopy bed, where the canopy is actually made from the white ribbony streamers, each with its own wish. It's so delicate an beautiful - the friend who sent me the link said she's thinking about doing her prayers this way, and hanging them in a tree. How gorgeous - I just love the image of her words - her dreams - being carried in the wind like that.

How do you give voice to your dreams?

black ops

(I'm just going to announce here that I'm attempting to participate in this November's NaBloPoMo. Not really sure if I'll succeed in putting up a blog post every day, but I'm committing myself to it now!)

I've been wanting to tell you for a while that I'm taking an online course about Dreaming Big... it's called Mondo Beyondo, and is taught by two amazing women Jen and Andrea - and I learned about Andrea in the summer issue of Artful Blogging. Way back in Week 1 of the course, we were tasked with sharing some of the affirmations we were given. I sort of sat on this assignment for a while, waiting until I felt a Calling to put one out there. Some people left them in library books on Post-It notes... others left slips of paper in cafes or on bulletin boards.

Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I knew what I was going to do - write out one of the affirmations on the driveway of my close friends and neighbors. The days went by, though... I wasn't sure which one to write. These friends have had such a challenging year - so many unforseen expenses, so many changes in course, so much bad news... I didn't want to put something there that would seem shallow.

One night, as I lay in bed waiting for Max to fall asleep, on a day of more hardship for these friends, it came to me. I came downstairs and told Laurie what I was going to do. She stayed with the sleeping boys while I gathered up the sidewalk chalk and my camera and took a nighttime stroll to their house a few blocks away.

Something Greater Is Holding You

I felt so much joy and excitement, kneeling on the driveway, leaning on the chalk to leave them a message of love in the night. I imagined Ryan finding it in the morning on his way out to work. I thought of Korin coming across it when she came out to bring her daughter to school... and it felt so GOOD to be able to do something unexpected, something lively and joyful and "unnecessary". The night air, being alone, doing something creative - it really was a great exercise in service.

This week, I bought a huge tub of sidewalk chalk. I have a feeling my days of evening graffiti writing are only just beginning...

beach people

I'm not sure where I came across it, but recently I read something about people being either beach or mountain people. Isn't it cool to live in a place where this is discussed? Now, I haven't spent a whole lot of time in the mountains, but having grown up on Cape Cod, the ocean side is undoubtedly the place my heart feels happiest. Wonderfully, here in the Pacific Northwest, you can be on the beach and enjoy views of pine-covered hills at the same time.

Shoghi, with his curly locks, and me

Last week, Laurie had an unusual 2 days off in a row, and we were unexpectedly given a gift of a night in a friend's beach house, so we packed the car and the boys and stole out to Manzanita, Oregon to enjoy a day in the sand and sea.

a very happy boy!

The jury is still out for the boys. I think right now the choice would be based on which tastes better - beach sand or mountain trail dirt. I'd like to think that the salty sand would win, but you know kids!! When we were in MA, my mom and I took Shoghi and Max to South Cape Beach. Shoghi was very intimidated by the waves, which break right at the waterline. He spent most of the time in our arms or looking suspiciously at the moving water.

South Cape Beach, MA. Note the worried look on Shoghi's little face (left).

At Manzanita, he was much more comfortable. The (much bigger) waves break tens of feet away from the wet sand line, and the water moves in shallow sheets to the shore. It was pretty cold, but he did well with it washing up around his feet and legs.

splishy splashy

Max was the complete opposite - very comfortable in the Cape Cod waters, but pretty scared of the moving, chilly water of the Pacific. We spent most of our time in the deep, fine sand, watching out for the boys putting anything more than sand in their mouths.

Max, at home on the sandy Atlantic beach

wanting to be picked up in Manzanita

Although being away for a night with 1-year old twins was pretty intense, and left both me and my sister feeling like overnight travel with them at this age is not worth the extra work and decreased sleep, it was great to get out of the city for a day and spend a day with the salt air in our hair and our feet in the soft sand. We'd do it again in a heartbeat... in fact, I'm sure that we'll make another trek through the beautiful mountains to the shore again before the weather gets cold.

step by step, the boys shed their clothes on the way to the water...

All four of us are enjoying every single final summery day of sun and blue skies.

growing, growing

This week, the boys will be nine months old. How astonishing is that? I know I've been putting up comparisons a lot lately (at least it seems that way to me), but really, their development is happening so quickly right now, I'm just constantly amazed. Laurie and I have been talking a lot lately about their growth, transporting ourselves back to the days when they were first born in amazement. I remember one friend asking how big their heads were - and my response that they were about the size of a big orange now shocks me... because of course their noggins are now probably the size of a big cantaloupe, and just as heavy, lol.

Soon after we moved to this house in February, I took this photo of the boys. They were just pushing up high on their bellies:


Yesterday I repositioned them at the door for a comparative photo:

this is a little deceptive... although they are obviously attracted to each other, Shoghi tends to be a little too aggressive for Max's taste, and we usually have to protect them from each other. Shoghi loves to screech and bite, and Max is very sensitive to the noise. As a result, they don't play "with" each other as often any more, although they are of course always together.

just 4 days shy of being 9 months old.

Now, as you can see, they are sitting unassisted, and Shoghi is not only properly crawling, he's also climbing under the exersaucer, pushing himself into a kneeling position, and starting to try to climb into things, like the bouncy chair.

Shoghi on his first successful under-the-exersaucer mission

Max, on the other hand, is now starting to get up on his knees and rock back and forth - so cute! It's a little sad, because he keeps pushing himself backwards when he wants to move forwards, but that's just part of the learning. While Shoghi is clearly a kinetic learner, Max is all about the words. Amazingly, he repeats syllable sounds, saying things like "this" and "dit" and "gook". He also tries to repeat the Dr. Suess rhyme: "dum ditty dum ditty dum dum dum" by going "da, da, da" - it is incredible to realize what he's trying to do. The other day, we were playing peek-a-boo for the video so that I could capture him putting the silk over his own head, and realized that he was also saying "boo"!



I tell you, the acquisition of new abilities never ceases to amaze. We take such pleasure, such awe at the new things that emerge every day.

And now for Self Nurturing, Day 2:
Our napping schedule still isn't as pretty as I'd like it to be, and that means that we're still doing a LOT of car naps - particularly the last nap of the day, which is usually sometime between 2 and 4pm. In fact, the boys are waking up consistently between 5 and 6am, and that results in them taking THREE naps a day. This whole thing is a great frustration for me, and when they're car napping, I can't even stop the car for very long - maybe 5 or 10 minutes maximum. I listen to Fresh Air, or a book on CD, and drive the neighborhoods around Mt. Tabor. In this glorious spring weather, this drive isn't very much fun - I'd rather be doing chores around the house so that in other free and awake time we could be out walking.

Many days my sister ends up taking the boys for a walk just so I can get a half an hour to get something accomplished. I find that my post-pregnancy body is very much changed - one of the biggest differences is that my knees and my feet are always sore, probably from the pregnancy weight I am still carrying around.

So, yesterday was Tuesday, which is also chores day. This means that we spend several hours outside the house, doing groceries and other errands. Because it was raining, I knew that we wouldn't be likely to have the opportunity to be outside walking, so I planned our walk at a mall. This wasn't the most ideal way to get in a walk for my sore body, but it was important for me, and the walking with my sister and the boys was pleasant. We gawked at the store fronts and expressed our gratitude that there wasn't anything that we actually wanted! Although it was a pretty exhausting day, the walk was definitely the best thing I did for myself. :o)

here and there

We have been mighty busy this past week! We had to catch up with household chores that had been neglected during our parents' visit, and I have started working from home in earnest. We also had social calls - our twin friends S and S had their first birthday party last Sunday, and yesterday we drove 50 miles to our south to visit the Wooden Shoe Tulip Festival with our other friends M & L.

It is so much fun to accompany Shoghi and Max as they discover their world. We can now plop them down in the grass and hang out while they explore. It's brilliant! They had such a blast people-watching at the birthday party - there was a stream of kids bringing them toys, and twins S&S were cruising around, too. Cuteness was everywhere!

The big one year olds in their adorable matchy outfits!

Maxy takes it all in while he explores some new toys.

A little gaggle of kiddos.

Our trip to the Tulip Festival really couldn't have been better. We had full, beautiful sun (resulting in very bleachy photos), gorgeous flowers, three happy babies, a curious and delightful four-year-old, and three adults who couldn't have been happier about exploring acres of blooming tulips. Even the food at this tourist attraction was satisfactory, though our poor little friend was pretty crushed that they didn't have any allergy-friendly ice cream selections.

i think something's wrong with my camera - so many bleached photos!
here are Lanny, Moon, Max and Shoghi posing by the irrigation system in the tall grass.

me with the boys

Moon, jumping.

Max, flirting with Moon

The boys have grown at an incredible rate over the past six weeks or so. Whereas their drawers were packed with 6-month clothes and even some 3-month pants back in March, we've had to clear out clothes in at least two rounds recently! Max is up to wearing 6 and 9-month outfits, and Shoghi is wearing 9- and 12-month clothes! It's strange to have them in different sizes - it's just another way they are their own little people. Max has those chubby cheeks, and continues to be mistaken for the heavier baby, even while Shoghi is probably 2 pounds heavier by now! Here they are in 12-month outfits given to them by my former colleagues - I thought they would like to see them in their fancy boy duds. These are probably the most boyish things they have! :o) I must say, I've become a sucker for the coordinating outfits.

Their 9-month well baby visit is scheduled for the 11th, so I'll be sure to give you their new stats after that visit.

***
Just a last note: A friend of mine has declared a Self Nurture Challenge, and I'm jumping on the band wagon. Among the things I did to nurture myself today were going to the chiropractor (all three of us got adjusted, hooray!), and I made a point of drinking a lot more water than I have been getting. I know a lot of twin nursing mamas drink about a gallon a day, but I've been on a little of a coffee kick in the past sleep-deprived months, and my water intake has suffered. I feel so much better when I'm well hydrated! Oh, and this also lets you all know that I'm still nursing! Despite my seeming block on posting about nursing and eating, both boys continue to enjoy nursing many times a day. Hooray for us!

Wander on over to her blog and let her know how you nurture yourself! Better yet, let us both know!

Cheers!