this moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Wishing everyone a lovely weekend!

sick

Toddlers. They sure do get sick a lot. Max fell prey to the latest round of ick over the weekend, postponing our plans to travel to see my grandma and aunties, significantly decreasing our sleep, and making life miserable. Oh, that boy - he bears his fangs when he's not feeling well. The temper tantrums have been epic, and the attempts to bite his brother in dismay and frustration endless. I'm glad to have just read this article about temper tantrums - it's been good to know that after a couple of attempts at solving his frustrations, I can just hold open the space for him to freak out.

Holding space is about all we've been doing since my brother left on Saturday and sister left Sunday. Taking things slow, while still trying to keep things moving for the boys so they don't have to fend each other off all day. It's not that they fight... in fact, I wouldn't say they ever really fight. It's just that sometimes it's like they're magnets with opposite sides trying to connect - they just need space from each other periodically throughout the day, and really, who doesn't? They are so intense at this age, so driven by impulse, so involved in learning and concentrating, social discovery and attempt at connection through language. Not only do they have to figure out how to deal with the grown-ups in their lives, they have to face their twin who is going through the exact same developmental process. It's exhausting for us all, and they're so small and vulnerable - I definitely feel that it is my job to give them a buffer, whether it be planned outings, time spent 1:1 with their grandparents, time in the back carrier, or quick-moving changes in activity.

Anyway, I'm waiting, waiting for Max to be well again. The terrible coughing, the fever, the crying at the obvious pain of the coughs.... it's just so unbearable. I want my stomp-dancing, silly-talking, tickle-loving boy back!

sandwich marina playground

If there's one thing I know about being a mom of twin toddlers, it's that you have to keep busy, even on vacation. My imaginings of our trip home being chock full of restful hours were pure folly. Every morning, we know we need to pack up and get out of the house by 8/8:30, or face a morning of whining, biting, and general unhappiness for all. Our day starts early (a ghastly 5:30am since we got here), so nap time starts at 11/11:30. By 2:30, we're ready to head out again, and rediscovering the gorgeous beach on Wakeby Lake in the woods of the Mashpee Holly Reservation, we usually head there for a swim in the afternoons. Mornings, then, have been reserved for playgrounds and errands.

We decided to take a drive to Sandwich on Friday for some good morning fun with Uncle Simon, and thought we'd take the boys to the Cape Cod Canal to check out some boats. Instead, we took a wrong turn and ended up at the Sandwich Marina, where we had some surprise delightful fun at their beautiful nautical-themed playground. If you're looking for a quiet spot to play, Cape Cod views, and a playground that is fun for all ages, you should check this place out.


I found this to be an especially good place for toddlers, since there were so many options for play, exploration, heights, and level of daring. There are attractions for older kids, too, with a working periscope in the big climbing apparatus. It's also fenced and right by the water, so there was a nice breeze. I imagine it gets busier (and hotter) as the day draws on, but at 9am, it was perfect.

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

playground happiness

I can't help it - there were just too many good pictures from yesterday's two playground excursions to share only one. I can't get over how big my boys are getting, and then again, there are moments when I look at their miniature bodies and awe at their small fragility. This age of discovery is so miraculous (and exhausting)! We went morning and evening to Mashpee Heritage Park yesterday, and enjoyed ourselves thoroughly on the Tiger Long Memorial Playground, named for a boy I grew up with and who was killed serving (I believe) in Iraq in the 90s.

max "kwimin' teps"

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vacation land

a dip in wakeby lake, mashpee

Well, since Auntie Laurie just posted a little about our travel to MA, I figure I should follow suit and check in a little bit! Here's her post.

First, the flight... I still have to take photos, but I did quite a bit of handmade prep for the trip: a drawstring backpack for each boy, containing a bunch of new playthings. We also brought the portable DVD player. They seemed to play with everything, but nothing held their attention for long, and by halfway through the flight, we'd gone through everything multiple times, and the only way we survived the rest was by walking the aisles, watching movies, and practicing patience, as neither of the toddlers napped. It was a long flight.

bedraggled by the last hour of flying...

Since we got here, we've been making daily trips to the lake, discovering the trove of toys Memmae brought home from her preschool and found at yard sales, and generally enjoying the admiring presence of the grandparents.

an attempt to beat the scorching, humid heat with a walk in the woods with memmae turned into a spontaneous skinny dip in the lake for the children, and rolled up pant legs for the grown-ups...

There's nothing quite like family and friends who really love your children to get you to tune in extra carefully to just how awesome your offspring are.

grandfather and grandson

the question of drugs for flying

oh, my boys and their sweet, sweet ways.

Today I did a trial run of giving the boys benadryl for naptime. I know, so lame, right? But I had to know what would happen, and the doctor actually has me giving to S for allergies anyway. Well, it is NOT something I will use for travel, because even after sleeping, they were both in horrendous moods for the whole afternoon, especially Max. Poor guys. That drugged feeling is no good.

I think the flight is going to be great, actually. I am looking forward to their curiosity, and think it's going to be a pretty fun day. I'm working on a bunch of exciting new things to give them on the plane.

dry run

If there was a picture-of-the-day for today, it would be of me and the boys, taken this morning at the airport. We went there for a dry run, to introduce them to the airport and show them some planes before our trip on 7/4. It was actually quite fun - they loved walking on the moving walkways and escalator, and looked out the big windows at the planes outside. It was a great outing for $3.

But the picture would capture one of the moments there - it would show me, sitting on the floor just in front of the security gates, laughing and sweating, holding one trying-to-run-away toddler down with my leg while I struggled to get the other one, kicking, crying and arching his back, into the Ergo on my back.

Guess what I learned from this practice? You guessed it: toddlers must remain in stroller until we have reached the gate. Whew! We drew quite some amused glances (and a couple of helping hands).

:)

beach people

I'm not sure where I came across it, but recently I read something about people being either beach or mountain people. Isn't it cool to live in a place where this is discussed? Now, I haven't spent a whole lot of time in the mountains, but having grown up on Cape Cod, the ocean side is undoubtedly the place my heart feels happiest. Wonderfully, here in the Pacific Northwest, you can be on the beach and enjoy views of pine-covered hills at the same time.

Shoghi, with his curly locks, and me

Last week, Laurie had an unusual 2 days off in a row, and we were unexpectedly given a gift of a night in a friend's beach house, so we packed the car and the boys and stole out to Manzanita, Oregon to enjoy a day in the sand and sea.

a very happy boy!

The jury is still out for the boys. I think right now the choice would be based on which tastes better - beach sand or mountain trail dirt. I'd like to think that the salty sand would win, but you know kids!! When we were in MA, my mom and I took Shoghi and Max to South Cape Beach. Shoghi was very intimidated by the waves, which break right at the waterline. He spent most of the time in our arms or looking suspiciously at the moving water.

South Cape Beach, MA. Note the worried look on Shoghi's little face (left).

At Manzanita, he was much more comfortable. The (much bigger) waves break tens of feet away from the wet sand line, and the water moves in shallow sheets to the shore. It was pretty cold, but he did well with it washing up around his feet and legs.

splishy splashy

Max was the complete opposite - very comfortable in the Cape Cod waters, but pretty scared of the moving, chilly water of the Pacific. We spent most of our time in the deep, fine sand, watching out for the boys putting anything more than sand in their mouths.

Max, at home on the sandy Atlantic beach

wanting to be picked up in Manzanita

Although being away for a night with 1-year old twins was pretty intense, and left both me and my sister feeling like overnight travel with them at this age is not worth the extra work and decreased sleep, it was great to get out of the city for a day and spend a day with the salt air in our hair and our feet in the soft sand. We'd do it again in a heartbeat... in fact, I'm sure that we'll make another trek through the beautiful mountains to the shore again before the weather gets cold.

step by step, the boys shed their clothes on the way to the water...

All four of us are enjoying every single final summery day of sun and blue skies.

flying with 9 month old twins

A friend asked in comments for some advice for flying with 9-month old twins and 3 adults, so here you have it! I posted twice last January about my experience flying alone with 4-month old twins -- at that age, their prematurity still showed, so they acted more like 2 month olds.

At nine months, and with three adults the trip should be easy, I think!! Assuming you have no seats reserved for the babies and will be having them on your laps on the plane, here's what I would do:

• Check as much luggage as possible, both carseats and the stroller at the ticketing area.
• For this age, I would recommend using a pouch for the plane, but you might want a regular back or front carrier like a meitai or ergo for walking through the airport. The ergo will be easier to get on and off for passing through security - the carrier will have to go through the xray machine, while both babies will have to be carried through the checkpoint. This is a challenging point if you are traveling alone with twin babies, but you should be fine, given that there will be three of you. Back to the pouch, I found this type of carrier great for the plane. The babies were comfortably contained while sitting on my lap during the flight, and it was nice to have them swaddled in this way that left my hands free. I really missed it this time when we flew - both of my boys are too big to cradle in the pouch now!
• Plan to carry on one or two diaper bags. Include enough diapers that if they each poop every hour of the trip, you have enough. I know this might seem excessive, but I definitely travel in the "better safe than sorry" camp, especially after our experience in December of being stuck at the airport over night.
• If you are not traveling with the nursing mama, be sure to bring double the amount of EBM or formula than you will need. I like to travel with Playtex bottles - one bottle for each baby, and plenty of liners and clean nipples so I can swap them out easily.
• Aside from the diapers and feeding supplies (if needed), I'd just bring a handful of the favorite toys and a couple of books for this age. Novelty can be important later, but I think at 9 months, favorites would be enough. When in doubt, though, bring something new. Tie long strings onto each toy so that when they fall on the floor, you'll be able to pull them up by the cord. Traveling with 1 year olds, I found the single most important item was a portable DVD player. Without it on our last trip, it would have been pretty unbearable. My boys didn't pay any attention to TV until very recently, though, so again, I think you'll be fine with just toys.
• Although I couldn't get my hands on any for the last flight, a friend and naturopath recommended getting some Herbs for Kids Super Calm. I tried using melissa and valerian alone on the last flight and didn't notice any really helpful effect. I did call my pediatrician about using benadryl, and they strongly discourage it. The APA does not approve the use of benadryl in this situation, according to my physician's office.
  
• Finally, know that legally the airline cannot allow two lap babies in the same row. If you got three adult tickets seated together, they will move one of you with a baby. Pack your diaper/food/toy bag accordingly, because if you don't change your seat assignment early, you might be sitting quite far away from each other. This happened to us this time on the way to MA - I was flying with my mom, and we were split up.
  

I think the most important thing for me is to assume that people will be helpful, and to say "yes" in any way I can when people offer. This makes the trip much less stressful!

I hope this helps! Have fun, and let us know how it went, along with any new tips you might glean from your trip!

working backward and looking forward

Well, well, well. We are back in Portland, and boy do I have a lot of catching up to do! I think I'm going to work in reverse to catch you all up.


So, first of all, jet lag and one-year-olds.... SUCKS!!! When we traveled from West to East, it worked out really, really well - a very early morning and a long day of travel actually resulted in a very short adjustment time for the boys. Of course, it was also nice to have them wake up at 8am instead of 5am! Coming back, though, has been really rough. By the time we left MA, the boys were regularly waking at 6am, so that meant that in Oregon they have been really thrown off. Keeping them up until 7pm has been pretty tough, because of course their little bodies still feel like it's 10pm! Just two days after arriving in Portland, though, Max is back to sleeping only 10 hours, the stubborn little guy, meaning that he was up and ready to go at 5am today. This is my ongoing struggle - putting them to bed at 8 is just too late. I need some down time, and evenings are long and hard as it is. But the fact that I cannot get Max to sleep for more than 10 hours just kills me every day!!

I think I'll put up a seperate post about flying with twin 1-year olds. It was an adventure both going to MA and returning. VERY different than flying with them last December. As with all things baby (especially twin babies), creativity, perserverence, and a sense of humor, even if dark, came in very handy.


We had the most wonderful visit, though. Four weeks of time with my parents, Memmae and Popi, meant that they got to experience lots of our routine and many new accomplishments on the part of both boys. They really bonded with them, and I can tell that part of the difficulty for them in settling back down at home has been separation from their grandparents.

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Getting back to Portland is fraught with meaning for me as a mama. The last month closed my first year as a mother, and also brought to an end the time I had set aside to be staying at home with the boys. Financially, I can't swing it anymore. We're losing our private health insurance this month, and I haven't been able to find the time to grow my business to the point where I'm making enough regular money. It's all ok - I have room to be flexible and deal with these changes and challenges, but it means that I am going to have to find reserves of energy, clear thought, frugality, and patience in deeper places than I have yet had to search.

the birth day mama and her boys

The next few months loom in front of me and seem to be a kind of proving ground for me as a single mother to my beautiful sons. I face the reality that I will be spending less and less time with them at a point in their development when they are learning, changing, and accomplishing new things every day. I will certainly miss many of their milestones in the moment of unfolding. I fear the sadness I will feel on days when I spend time with them only in the hardest hours of their day, and when I think of them growing more attached to other care givers, I feel both happy for their expanded world of people who love them and loss at having to share their precious daily hours with someone else.

When I was 21 and in my first marriage, I started trying to have children. Fifteen years, three relationships, countless pregnancy tests, 12 cities, three languages, a Bachelor's Degree, hours and hours of therapy, yoga, meditation, self-reflection, and a complete re-orientation of my life later, I am a mother. Everything in that list except becoming a mom seems now to just have been stepping stones - secondary to the drive and deep, consuming desire to be raising children. To say I wouldn't change a thing wouldn't be true - I don't think I have fully come to terms with all of the loss I endured over those long, heartbreaking years - but to finally be living my dream of having children is miracuous, and is the source of rivers and oceans of gratitude.

The next chapter to unfold is the one where I get to continue to co-create a family with the boys and - for now - my sister, and it's also the part where I get to dream up and realize the contribution I want to make through my career. I have just become aware of how I put aside getting clear about my vocation in my quest to be a mother - how exciting (and scary) that I can now begin to hone in on my talents, my strengths, and the unique way I can give back to this world through my work. I have walked in enough shoes, worked a great variety of jobs, and seen myself succeed in diverse situations to know that if I can just empty my mind of fear and expectation, I can and will discover my calling that is ready to emerge from within. It will be when I find that familiar excitement and joy that I will know I am on the right track.

And so we go on. I'll try in the upcoming posts to catch you up on the last month, and hope you'll share your own victories and inspirations with me as I knuckle down in the months to come. I'm glad to have this place to try to make sense of it all.

one

So far, travel has not benefited the blogging! Sorry we went MIA as soon as we stepped on the plane... it seems that my time at the computer since arriving in MA has been curtailed. At home, the computer is out and about while I watch the boys, but here, it's in a room the boys are not allowed in. Anyway, that's just to explain why so much time has one by, and why I'm going to keep this short.

Yesterday, my babies turned ONE! I'm still in shock over it - their toddler-ness is so evident, and they are no longer my tiny, sleepy, fragile preemies they were a year ago. They are the greatest gift I have received in my life, and surely their presence will be a guiding force for the rest of my days.

I have a post brewing, but not sure when I'm going to be able to write and post it. I've also got some photos - hopefully they'll go up a little sooner.

Loving greetings to all of you, my faithful friends! I miss sharing our adventures and reading yours, and can't wait to get caught up soon!

departure

Oh, thank everything good and holy that we are leaving in a couple of days. I couldn't be more stressed out right now, and I'm hoping that our leave from home will also bring a departure from some of the routines and unknowns that are bringing me down.

Sleep, my friends, continues to be my nemesis. I don't know why I bother struggling with it, either, since for most of my friends, children and sleep is a constant issue. There are those people whose beautiful children sleep perfectly, though, and leave me feeling like a complete failure when it comes to getting a peaceful night for the three of us. I hope that the big time change, plus the disruption in sleep for the travel day, all work in our favor and some clear solution presents itself.

Aside from that (and what could be more fundamental than getting consistent sleep?), it seems like all the basics are breaking down these days - all my personal weaknesses and foibles are being pulled to the fore. Even with my recent success in creating work for myself, I am beyond panicked that it's not going to work, and with no partner to fall back on, I wonder why I am walking this very uncertain path rather than just going out and finding a job. Oh, right... maybe it's NPR telling me every day how impossible it is to find a job.

So, here we go again. I'll let you all know what it's like to travel cross-country with (nearly) 1-year old twins. And then, when I fly back alone with them, we'll see what we can come up with in terms of tips and tricks.

For now, I bid you farewell - we'll see you from the opposite coast.

family outing

Yesterday we all went over to the Japanese Garden here in Portland. It was beautiful in its springtime glory. They were also having a paper festival, which was very cool. We visited there last time, too, in October when the whole family was here. We thought we might go to Multnomah Falls, but in the end, the allure of early blossoms and mossy bonsais won.

The boys were only 10 weeks old when my parents and brother were last here, so they spent the whole trip to the garden wrapped up in pouches, sleeping. I'm guessing they were still less than 8 pounds at the time! Just look at how tiny they were:

shoghi drinking his bottle at the garden with Memmae.
look at how big that hat was - it barely fits now!

sleepy, sleepy babies

On this visit, of course, we had two entirely different babies. How can "baby" even apply to them at both of these times? Now they are interactive, smiling, playing, moving creatures who express what they want (and don't want)! Our visit to the garden was so nice - and we got a bunch of great photos to prove it. We had to ditch the stroller when it kept getting stuck in the gravel, and boy, who can live without a good baby carrier? We only had the meitai with us, so Laurie carried Shoghi on her back while I hefted Max in my arms. He may be the lighter one right now (maybe 17.5 lbs?) but jeez, he felt so heavy!

shoghi checking out the blossoms

max playing with memmae and popi

shoghi in the meitai

max having a little snuggle with mama

Last night we had to say goodbye to my parents, which was heart breaking for all of us who are no longer babies. They're flying back home at dawn tomorrow, across the 3,000 miles that separate our homes. As a child, I remember quite vividly always being at the door, tears streaming as I watched my grandparents pull away after a visit, and now I find myself in a similar position as I watch my sons' grandparents leave. The quality of relationship they bring to us all is unmatched, and more unique and precious than I imagined. I just love the feeling of being together, and sometimes I wonder how it is that I didn't know what I was giving up by moving so far away while I was pregnant. I can't imagine living in Massachusetts, but I also feel full of grief at not being closer to the majority of my family. How things have changed that we are all so spread out now, with me and my sister out here in Oregon, our brother, uncle and aunt in New Mexico, and the rest of our family in Massachusetts and New York (aside from cousins, of course). I wish I could just gather up everyone I love into one place to share this life with.

look at how unbelievably big shoghi looks on his grandfather's lap!
how did this happen???

Anyway, it was a perfect visit. I loved having my parents here and watching them with the boys. It will be a long three months before we head back East to spend a month with them, but we can't wait. Mom and Dad flew out this morning, and we all miss them already.

auntie laurie took this photo of the 5 of us
on the bridge at the japanese garden.

more milestones

So, I mentioned a few days ago that Shoghi got his first tooth? Well, it's really just barely broken the surface, so he's still in a good deal of discomfort, poor little muffin. Today, the tooth right next to it is also peeking through!

It's a huge day for little Shoghurt, because today he put a bunch of mental and physical pieces together and managed to propel, half creeping and half c r a w l i n g, himself across the living room. Yes, mama is now officially in a great deal of trouble. Six months? Couldn't they have waited just a little longer? Max is totally doing the army crawl, too, with nose to the ground and butt in the air. It's only a matter owf time before I'm using the word "crawl" in the same sentence as his name, as well. I feel both celebratory and a little freaked out! That's normal, right?

Finally here are some photos just because.... today I got my sister's photos from our trip back East and these are some of my favorites:

my dad, playing to the babies

shoghi with his great-grandfather

the boys with their sweet auntie

my mama and shoghi

max with his favorite book. i'm not kidding;
we read and recite this book at least 10 times a day.

ps: there was a story today on NPR about families who use donors to conceive seeking out their half siblings. hmmmm.... interesting.

another monday sum-up

here we are at monday again... this is our last few days on the east coast with my parents. auntie laurie flew out and made it safely here to snuggle her (enormous) nephews, and since then we've been paying visits to our grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends, visiting with our folks, and planing our post-return-to-portland life.

max and shoghi, napping at great-grandma & grandpa's house. as with all babies, sleep is the topic of much discussion over here. so far, the boys continue to sleep first at night in their carseats, which i instituted because they (used to) hate being in the car. (fortunately, this has changed, and they now take much better to being put in the car for both short and long rides.) then when they wake, i transfer them into bed with me. this visit has brought no shortage of people telling me horror stories about babies dying in a shared bed, and at the same time, the boys are starting to move and roll a little. what am i going to do when we get home? i'm not sure. i'm considering cribs, which i thought i might get away without. i'd like to be getting better sleep, though, and i'd also like to see shoghi sleeping a little more deeply at night. similarly, it would be good to have somewhere other than their carseats to nap them during the day. we have a really nice twin graco pack and play, but i think they might have just weighted out of it, since they weigh 15 (shoghi) and 16 (max) pounds now, and i believe the weight limit is 30#. anyway, i clearly have some big decisions to make. i'd love to hear some feedback from co-sleeping families, as well as those who have decided to put their twins in seperate cribs.

my dad, multi-tasking with the boys.

i have to admit, the prospect of being apart from my dad during the day, and my parents in general, has me a little nervous! i've had so much help with the boys, since they were born, really, and now is the time when i will be taking over full care of them. laurie doesn't usually get home from work until 8, and of course then she's exhausted (not to mention the babies had better be asleep by then!), so i don't want to be relying on her for so much assistance. this next stage in my life as a solo parent is really going to be interesting...
hopefully it will not be the test i am fearful of.

shoghi and max have both learned not only how to grasp,
but how to transfer from hand to hand and lift objects to their mouths.

this week, max has mastered the kissy noise, and shoghi is spending much of his awake time trying to blow raspberries and make other souds with his lips and tongue.
this involves a lot of drool, and laughter on the part of the observers.

shoghi has had such a great week, with lots and lots of happy, exuberant awake time. he rolls around, squealing and sticking out his tongue. it's very funny and delightful! poor max, on the other hand, seems to be having a harder week. he's been more fussy than usual, and has been spitting up a lot. then again, during the day, max only naps for about 30 minutes at a time, while shoghi goes down for beautiful 1-2 hour naps.

shoghi has taken to holding his own bottle, a very bitter sweet thing for me. although it's helpful, i don't know if i'm ready for my baby to hold his own bottle. as you know, the very fact of giving them bottles is full of emotion for me. my amount of nursing has definitely decreased over this trip. interestingly, i stoped taking the herbs and am now only on motilium (domperidone), and feel like my supply has actually responded positively to this change. when i can pump, i'm getting about 2-3oz at a time. i'm hoping being alone with the boys and not having to isolate myself will mean that i can pump more. i might also start making my own formula. i'm just so sad that i've had to give them so, so much formula over these past nearly six (!!!) months.

the latest, possibly hare-brained, idea i've had is that perhaps getting the boys to eat some rice cereal and progress to solids may mean that i have to give them fewer bottles, and thus will be able to give them a higher percentage of nursing time to bottle feedings. this combined with their great interest and reaching for food lately lead me to introduce them to their first food - organic brown rice cereal (mixed with some probiotics, thanks korin!) last friday night. they both took to it well, and shoghi really seems to love it! last night he ate the whole 2-oz bowl! the photos are on my mom's camera, so i'll try to get those uploaded tonight. we'll see!

so, that's been our week. i can't believe we're about to head back home; it fills me with such mixed emotions. these boys have really transformed my relationship with my parents and larger family, and i can't help but feel terrible about being so far from them. on the other hand, my life in portland is even better than i had dreamed, and i can't wait to get back and really start shaping my daily life with the boys. that's it for now - i'll try to get some more photos up before we leave, and then it will probably be a while before my next post, since i have to get a new computer in order to do so.

love to all!