potty learning begins

I'm easing into the whole potty learning phase with the introduction of books, the occasional wearing of training pants, baby proofing the downstairs bathroom, allowing the boys to see their new potty, as well as drawing regular attention to their... elimination. I've always used proper body part names with them, and we use the words "pee" or "pee-pee" and "poop." I just talk about it in the context of changing diapers or them peeing on the fl0or if they're naked or wearing training pants. Unlike some of my friends, I don't make up silly song about poop. It's just not my style!

So, all I can say, having just received in the mail my new copies of Everyone Poops (My Body Science Series) and Once Upon a Potty -- Boy, is I don't think I'm ready for this.

"Just like you, Joshua has a body, and this body has many nice and useful parts..." (ok so far)

"A Pee-Pee for making Wee-Wee...." (oh, Lord... Wee-Wee???)

"A bottom for sitting and in it a little hole for making Poo-Poo." (oh, my.... "a little hole"?)

A Pee-Pee? Wee-Wee? Poo-Poo?

Why are they capitalized? Why are we using the word "Pee-Pee" for a p*enis?

Seriously? I'm such a prude. The pile of poop on the floor on Page 28? Gross! And while I'll admit Everyone Poops is pretty funny, it still grosses me out to see all the piles of turd on page after page!

Why on earth must so many books about potty learning involve the child putting the potty chair on their head??? How would they ever conceive of it being a hat without such a prompt?!?

I'm all about the books, though, so I'll put up with all this silliness in the name of getting these guys out of `diapers. They seem to be fascinated, anyway.

There you have it, my friends. Thus begins what will surely seem like a lifetime of potty talk and potty humor. I'll say it again:

I don't think I'm ready for this!

dead mall

People often say to me "I don't know how you do it." I'm sure most of the time, it's meant as a kind of compliment, or as a form of support. Sometimes it touches a nerve, though, as if I am up against some kind of impossible task -- this version of hearing is more of a reflection of my own self-frustration at not doing better at coordinating our daily life. It shouldn't seem so daunting to take care of two kids. I shouldn't be so lazy, tired, or whatever other self-defeating word comes to mind.

The fact is, just like most of the parents I know, I'm making it up as I go. I have a lot of good moments, though sometimes the bad moments seem much louder. I have routines that have worked for several months, and new possible additions several times a week. Toddlers have their own timelines for development, and what might work for one of my twins might not work for the other.

Although it's been a mild winter here in Portland, it's been nearly impossible for me to bring the boys outside to play more than twice in the past 3 or 4 weeks. They still resort to crawling when they're in a new environment, and all the rain has just made it too wet and cold for them to get that wet. Besides, they both have colds.

We all get a little stir crazy at home, but with all the school kids on vacation, I haven't felt comfortable taking them to the science museum's discovery room or the play area at the big mall. Being by myself, I just spend all my time corralling the boys, and that's really no fun for any of us.

Last week in a moment of desperation, I loaded us up and went to our closest mall where our Target is located. We almost never venture outside Target, the mall is just a vast, dark, one-story ghost land. When you google this particular defunct shopping center, deadmalls.com is one of the first entries.

Imagine my happiness, then, to realize that this is the perfect location for the boys to blow off some steam. We park the stroller at the tiny play area, but I let the boys run around. When other people are around, they don't seem to mind the squeals and squeaky shoes - they ask questions about twins and tolerate the boys with a smile.

Here's Shoghi at the entrance of the weird Asian-style portrait studio shopfront. His newest word is "flower."




At this mall, I can let the boys run around in the halls in opposite directions. It's great to be able to let them have such a wide berth.

Max, so confident on his legs now, walks towards the door to Home Depot.

not so fast

i finally gave in and let m have a second nap at 3:30 after his 20-minute nap from 11:30-11:50.

Well, I don't know about this one nap thing. The boys are clearly not ready for it. I'd show you the pictures and video I took during our extremely LONG and WHINY day yesterday, but the tears and snot would probably gross you out, and the whining in the video might just split your eardrums. I'd probably lose my entire readership in one post.

too tired to even eat lunch at 11am, we resorted to bottles with some rice cereal added to fill up hungry, sleepy tummies.

So, yeah. Today we're back to two naps. The little guys were so exhausted from the change, which was expressed by Max in his verbal/emotional way (i.e. lots of crying and whining) and by Shoghi in his physical/kinetic way (i.e. lots of biting). I guess for now I'm just going to have to find a peaceful place in my heart about not having any time by myself during the day. I think it must be in there, but it's very, very small. I need time alone - I needed it before having children, and even more so now that I'm using every neural connection to try to succeed at finding my way in this phase of my life. In short order, I'm going to have to get brave and accept some of the childcare help that's been offered... if you and I are friends on facebook, you no doubt know what I mean, since most of my chatter about this subject gets directed there.

What that means is that Bamboo Village is taking over the downstairs. All kinds of things find their way into the boys' hands. Prototypes of new designs for the spring are lying in various states of production, and all flat surfaces seem to be gathering more and more layers of items to be packed, made into final products, photographed or put away. It's kind of crazy, but with the boys at my feet all day, what else can I do?

a ruler's not dangerous, right?
that was yesterday... just look at those tired eyes!

max today with his smart new haircut - behind him you can see one of my double happiness fish towels

Today I had to take the boys to get yet another haircut. All the food in the long hair is pretty gross. Turns out, today is exactly a month since their first haircuts. Max's hair is so thin, it probably won't need a trim for a while, but I had them cut Shoghi's hair extra short, since it grows so very fast.

To be honest, even though S looks adorable with his new do, I'm not so crazy about this truly boyish style. It just seems so tough somehow... too hard? Too mature? I don't know... for some reason, it brought forward a lot of thoughts and fears about having a rough and tumble boy... I am having such a hard time teaching Shoghi to be gentle - Max currently has three nasty bruises from Shoghi biting him. It'll grow on me, I know... there was just a little shock seeing him look so different today!

differentiation

When you have twins, you're gonna get questions. Starting when you're pregnant, people feel very comfortable stopping you to chat about your size, how you became pregnant with twins (does it run the family?), and how you're going to cope. After the babies arrive, the questions - and comments - continue.

Are they twins?
How do you do it?
A boy and a girl?
Oh, that's double trouble!
You must be really busy!

They stop me while shopping to chat, they ask personal questions about my pregnancy, the boys' conception, and make guesses about their personalities. They want the boys to smile, and wave, and say "hi." They guess at who is older, which I find ridiculous because they're basing their guess on the fact that Shoghi is bigger - as if being a minute older than your twin would contribute somehow to your size??

I try to use this as an opportunity to connect with people - to stop for a moment and breathe, and remind myself that in our busy society, most of the time we don't even look at each other, nevermind stop to chat with strangers. I want to model openness and patience to my children. I want them to learn to offer a friendly smile when people bend down to talk to them.

Sept 2009

Sometimes, though, the questions and comments are less welcome. When I am running to enter a restaurant in the pouring rain, with one toddler in a carrier tied to my front, and the other in my arms on my hip, with my bag falling off my shoulder and rain dripping down my face, it would be nice if they'd just offer to help - to get the door or even hold a baby - rather than smiling and offering a mere "you've got your hands full".

playing together at Oxbow Park

Starting this summer, some have begun to ask me how close in age the boys are. When I say "one minute apart," they stare at me blankly before I add "they're twins." "Really?" they balk. "Yes, twins. They're fraternal, so it's just like two brothers in a family - except that they developed at the same time." "Wow, they look so difffffffferent," they say, not in an altogether kind way. Now that they've got a year under their belts, and their teeny-tinyness is gone, Shoghi and Max are obviously different. Shoghi is much bigger - two weeks ago, he weighed nearly 25 pounds, while Max was just hitting 20. Shoghi is about 3" taller than his twin. Max has straight, reddish hair and brown eyes, and Shoghi's got sandy, wavy hair and gray eyes. Max wears a size smaller in clothes and shoes, and soon, diapers, too, as I'm afraid I'm going to have to buy size large cloth diapers for Shoghi in the next couple of months.

Forest Hills Park, September

But there's one more question I've been hearing a lot lately... and it's one that sits so strangely with me that even as people continue to ask, I continue to not know how to respond. Complete strangers ask me if Shoghi has Down's Syndrome. In fact, it's been happening enough that we'll be seeing his pediatrician to find out conclusively. You know, it's been quite a meditation for me. If he does have this chromosomal abnormality, he will still be exactly my same Shoghi. We will just know something different about him - albeit something that may have siginificant implications. My perception will have to shift, my expectations for how I will parent him may have to be altered. But in a way,that's just the life of a parent anyway - personalities, temperaments, learning abilities and styles, physical strengths and weaknesses... sicknesses and diagnoses; they all come with the territory.

But there's that part of me that's always hurt. Why are people asking me this? Even more - why do they think it's ok to ask me? Maybe it's the shape of his eyes. Our donor is Bolivian - maybe AmerIndian. Shoghi's eye shape has never seemed strange to me. In fact, he actually looks a lot like I did when I was his age. But still, having people ask me if my son has a possibly life-altering medical condition is - to say the least - uncomfortable. I hate that strangers make assumptions about my children, and while it's just a normal part of being a parent to discover that people do this, it has come as something of a shock. Why is it ok to ask something like that about a baby? Is it alright if I turn back to the same woman and ask if she is in menopause?

Shoghi

Just as I'm sure I'd have loved to have identical twins, I really adore the experience of having fraternal twins. It is an endless source of fun to have two such different children developing side by side. Whatever their similarities, whatever their differences, I am just so grateful to have them.

*top photo by Amy Crawford Photography

ta da!

One fun thing that's been going on, pretty much since the boys' birthday a few weeks ago is that they are imitating songs and finger plays. Laurie had taught Shoghi to clap a month or two before we left, and the boys were both starting to do the signs for more and milk, but now it seems like a giant leap in understanding has taken place.

signing "more" after his first ice cream cone during our visit to cape cod.

My mom, dad, and I sang songs with them quite a bit, and now they will make the hand motions for pat-a-cake, 5 little monkeys jumping on a bed, some of them from the wheels on the bus, peek-a-boo, and open, shut them. Max has mastered blowing kisses and making the "shhhhh" sound with his finger in front of his mouth.

"throw it in the oven for baby and me!"

We have a new DVD of some old Sesame Street songs, and Max has started actually singing - I kid you not - "ba-ba-bamba" and "quack-quack-qwamba"(only the ba and quacks!) to one of the songs. It is pretty much the cutest thing I have ever seen or heard.

This morning, Laurie was doing "ta-da!" with them, and I got these cute photos of Shoghi:



Today was a great day. I opened the back screen door and the boys went in and out of the house to the back yard for probably an hour or more. It seemed to prevent the stir-craziness that occurs here about twice a day. Our back yard isn't great - there are prickly plants in the "grass" so I have to keep them contained on the "patio" (which we call "the slab"). It started to rain and I just let them keep going:


To answer Jen's question from comments, I started giving the boys pasta when they probably each had 4 teeth. I cooked some rice pasta really soft and let them eat it with their hands. For a good month or two, I mostly fed them orzo or alphabet pasta if I wanted to give it to them. As of today, they both have 8 teeth - Shoghi has 4 front tops and bottoms, and Max has 4 top fronts, the bottom middle two, and newly the top two molars! I just stayed close and really observed them to see if they were ready for the pasta. Lately I've been giving them sauteed polenta - they really love it with marinara sauce (or pesto!). HTH!

working backward and looking forward

Well, well, well. We are back in Portland, and boy do I have a lot of catching up to do! I think I'm going to work in reverse to catch you all up.


So, first of all, jet lag and one-year-olds.... SUCKS!!! When we traveled from West to East, it worked out really, really well - a very early morning and a long day of travel actually resulted in a very short adjustment time for the boys. Of course, it was also nice to have them wake up at 8am instead of 5am! Coming back, though, has been really rough. By the time we left MA, the boys were regularly waking at 6am, so that meant that in Oregon they have been really thrown off. Keeping them up until 7pm has been pretty tough, because of course their little bodies still feel like it's 10pm! Just two days after arriving in Portland, though, Max is back to sleeping only 10 hours, the stubborn little guy, meaning that he was up and ready to go at 5am today. This is my ongoing struggle - putting them to bed at 8 is just too late. I need some down time, and evenings are long and hard as it is. But the fact that I cannot get Max to sleep for more than 10 hours just kills me every day!!

I think I'll put up a seperate post about flying with twin 1-year olds. It was an adventure both going to MA and returning. VERY different than flying with them last December. As with all things baby (especially twin babies), creativity, perserverence, and a sense of humor, even if dark, came in very handy.


We had the most wonderful visit, though. Four weeks of time with my parents, Memmae and Popi, meant that they got to experience lots of our routine and many new accomplishments on the part of both boys. They really bonded with them, and I can tell that part of the difficulty for them in settling back down at home has been separation from their grandparents.

***

Getting back to Portland is fraught with meaning for me as a mama. The last month closed my first year as a mother, and also brought to an end the time I had set aside to be staying at home with the boys. Financially, I can't swing it anymore. We're losing our private health insurance this month, and I haven't been able to find the time to grow my business to the point where I'm making enough regular money. It's all ok - I have room to be flexible and deal with these changes and challenges, but it means that I am going to have to find reserves of energy, clear thought, frugality, and patience in deeper places than I have yet had to search.

the birth day mama and her boys

The next few months loom in front of me and seem to be a kind of proving ground for me as a single mother to my beautiful sons. I face the reality that I will be spending less and less time with them at a point in their development when they are learning, changing, and accomplishing new things every day. I will certainly miss many of their milestones in the moment of unfolding. I fear the sadness I will feel on days when I spend time with them only in the hardest hours of their day, and when I think of them growing more attached to other care givers, I feel both happy for their expanded world of people who love them and loss at having to share their precious daily hours with someone else.

When I was 21 and in my first marriage, I started trying to have children. Fifteen years, three relationships, countless pregnancy tests, 12 cities, three languages, a Bachelor's Degree, hours and hours of therapy, yoga, meditation, self-reflection, and a complete re-orientation of my life later, I am a mother. Everything in that list except becoming a mom seems now to just have been stepping stones - secondary to the drive and deep, consuming desire to be raising children. To say I wouldn't change a thing wouldn't be true - I don't think I have fully come to terms with all of the loss I endured over those long, heartbreaking years - but to finally be living my dream of having children is miracuous, and is the source of rivers and oceans of gratitude.

The next chapter to unfold is the one where I get to continue to co-create a family with the boys and - for now - my sister, and it's also the part where I get to dream up and realize the contribution I want to make through my career. I have just become aware of how I put aside getting clear about my vocation in my quest to be a mother - how exciting (and scary) that I can now begin to hone in on my talents, my strengths, and the unique way I can give back to this world through my work. I have walked in enough shoes, worked a great variety of jobs, and seen myself succeed in diverse situations to know that if I can just empty my mind of fear and expectation, I can and will discover my calling that is ready to emerge from within. It will be when I find that familiar excitement and joy that I will know I am on the right track.

And so we go on. I'll try in the upcoming posts to catch you up on the last month, and hope you'll share your own victories and inspirations with me as I knuckle down in the months to come. I'm glad to have this place to try to make sense of it all.

waiting

I'm waiting for my new camera to arrive. It's funny how blogging (at least for me) is so dependent on having related content photos! I really hope this camera is a winner - I've bought and returned no less than four since January, and am a little sick of the search. I started with a DSLR, which I could not even remotely afford, and returned it - it was just too much camera for me to learn right now. Since then, I've tried a range of point and shoots, with various issues like shutter lag and poor picture quality, even for paying a pretty good price. My own camera's lens is failing, so I really want this one to be a good fit!

The love of books continues!

I feel rather news-less, even though a lot is happening. Here are some of the things we've been up to:

The boys are eating a lot of new foods - and many of them are truly solids now! When we went to our 9 month well baby visit, I had to fill out a questionnaire on things they are doing, and it asked about icking up cheerio's - I really hadn't thought they were ready for that, but I was excited to try. Well, they love it! It's been about 7 weeks since then, and the boys have really progressed using their fingers. Shoghi is a pro at bringing his bites to his mouth, while Max still kind of gets the food into his fist and squeezes it into his mouth. Still, they have such fun. I don't give them finger foods at every meal, but do let them use their hands to eat at least twice a day. Some of the recent foods introductions: bread with hummus, waffle bites dipped in yogurt, homemade mac and cheese with butternut squash, tomatoes (they eat off my plate so often, I just couldn't resist giving in to their please for lasagna!), cheese, and chicken bites.

Max now has SIX teeth! Four on the top that all came in a period of a couple of weeks, and the two middles on the bottom. Shoghi's got the two middles on both top and bottom, but just two days ago started some terrible teething - I think his incisors are on the move. It has been a very painful couple of days for the little guy!

He's also been biting for the past few weeks - shoulders, legs, and even your back or waist. All of the people who take care of him (me, Laurie and Emilia) have been bitten, and our firm "no"s and removing him from the scene of the bite hasn't helped. The biting is more frequent, and is now also happening immediately at the beginning (and consequently end) of every nursing session. With the exception of last night at 2am, we haven't nursed in four days. I got some new strategies to deal with the biting in the last day, so I'm hopeful it will help. He bit Max today for the first time, hard. It's not aggression - at least it doesn't seem that way. It's like he needs some kind of oral stimulation... today, giving him a frozen washcloth seemed to really satisfy him. Poor little guy - I don't want to be giving him so much scolding! As I said - I've got some new things to try, so we'll see how it goes. Any been-there-done-that stories would be well appreciated!

Max's language skills are taking the normal cyclical learning route. He no longer says "mama," and even "bra-bra" for brother has regressed a little to "bra." As one would expect, though, as we see these words fade, new sounds and likely candidates for words have emerged. We're hearing the hard "e" sound more and more as he tries to say "Auntie" and today we heard a lot of "s" - it seems he's trying to say "shoghi"! He still signs "more" and has added "milk" and "eat" to his repertoire.

Shoghi continues to excel in his physical abilities. He's standing and taking steps while holding onto things, and doing a lot of climbing. Last night at Korin's he climbed two steps, and he climbs up on the laundry basket while it's tipped over, and then down the other side. He loves it and smiles all the while.

exploring the underside of a desk recently relocated into the living room.

baby fave books

Oh, remember how hard things were at 6 and 7 months old? I probably sugar-coated it here, but there was constant whining and crying, and desperate, constant attempts at making the babies happy. Friends told me that when they could sit up, things would get better, and they did. Then it was "when they can go from sitting back to their tummies, things will get better," and they did. Creeping, then crawling, was such an adventure for Shoghi, but Max just lay there on his belly, complaining what he couldn't move. His recent new mobility has brought a whole new level of fun and contentment to our home.

Other things have also changed. Their hands are more coordinated, and they understand more words. They love books, love climbing into the bouncy chair, l-o-v-e electrical cords (and are learning, if ignoring the word "No!"). When things get iffy a couple hours after eating, they love sitting on the blanket on the living room floor with a bowl of TJs O's cereal. Now they can entertain themselves for several glorious minutes at a time.

I wanted to share some of their favorite things with you, and remember them for the boys! In this post, we'll talk about:

Books!

We're a big reading family. Between my parents, my siblings and me, we all love and highly value books. I've been reading to the boys for a good while, and they seem to have gravitated to them as a favorite passtime. Just this morning, Laurie was with the boys, and said to Shoghi, "what's that you have? Is that a book?" and Max crawled right over to the bookshelf. You might remember that Shoghi's first attempt at crawling was to get a book. Be still my heart - a bibliophile in the making!

The boys seem to become interested in a couple of particular books at a time, and want them to be read several times (before we, the readers, get bored and try to hide them!). In the past couple of months, favorites have all been books that we read dramatically, making special animal sounds, or accompanying the rhythm of the story with a shaker.

Here are some of them: Tykeosaurs, which involves Max roaring on the last page; Freight Train, a classic by Donald Crews; Chicky Chicky Chook Chook, a fun read that we use a rattle or shaker to accompany the words. Shoghi's current favorite is called Haiku Baby. He even has a favorite page - when we get to the "leaf" page, his little face lights up in a huge smile, and he laughs while we read the haiku: "yoohoo, peekaboo/ wind plays tag with autumn leaf/ catch me if you can." Max has really started to get into I Love Animals - we often have to read this over and over again, complete with animal sounds for every page. I adore that they love books, and hope it becomes a lifelong joy to them as it has been for me.


I'll be talking about our other baby faves in the days to come, so be sure to come back! More importantly, please share your baby favorites with us! We (and "we" means me, my sister, and our awesome sitter) are always, always interested in new baby toys, games, books and ideas!

for all the years without you

Dear Shoghi and Maxwell,

The house is quiet; everyone has gone to bed. You are both sleeping peacefully, beautifully, gracefully in your beds. Your sweet hands moved, Shoghi, when I bent to cover you with your blanket, one I bought about a year before you were conceived. Maxwell, you lay there quietly when I just now spread the blue blanket I crocheted with my longing hands some four years before you were born. You are going to be ten months old this week - it's so close to a year ago that you were born into my hands and my life. I can barely contain the love I feel for you; you are both so perfect and miraculous.

I believe that there is a spiritual essence to our relationship - you my sons, I your mother. There is a place within us that connects and communicates with meaning deeper than words. I believe that, in some way, you know what paths I have traversed, what sacrifices I have offered up, what difficult and profound growth I had to achieve in order to become your mother.

For fifteen long years I tried to bring you to life. I sought you out first in the rose gardens, and then in the depths of the cold oceans - I even searched through the deserts of the world, just to catch a glimpse of your beauty and life. Sometimes I thought I had reached you, only to discover that it was just an illusion, a cruel hoax, and I was devastated by loss. Finally, in the end, I gave everything up. I opened my clenched fists, and let everything go. And it was there, in that place of detachment from all the places I had been searching, that I found you - within myself, in the deepest heart of my heart. I found you in joy.

When I am with you now, I delight in your curiosity, I soar on the waves of your laughter, I rejoice in your discoveries. Over these months that you have taken on your physical lives, I have bent and bowed to your needs with love, as mothers do, and I have healed for it.

Maxwell. Shoghi. My sons. Now I know. I know why those years were filled with such terrible longing and sorrow and search - it was the loss of being with you. You were known to my heart before you were known to my arms and eyes. You are the fruits of my joy and my heart and everything that is good and pure about who I am - you are the embodiment and the breath of life and love.

For every difficulty we face, know that the distances I traveled on my journey to our reunion were far greater. I have found that place within myself, that place of creation. We emerged from that place as a family. To say that I love you is but the most pitiful attempt to capture the glory of the sun in a drop of water.

I am, and with deep gratitude ever will remain, your mother.