not so fast

i finally gave in and let m have a second nap at 3:30 after his 20-minute nap from 11:30-11:50.

Well, I don't know about this one nap thing. The boys are clearly not ready for it. I'd show you the pictures and video I took during our extremely LONG and WHINY day yesterday, but the tears and snot would probably gross you out, and the whining in the video might just split your eardrums. I'd probably lose my entire readership in one post.

too tired to even eat lunch at 11am, we resorted to bottles with some rice cereal added to fill up hungry, sleepy tummies.

So, yeah. Today we're back to two naps. The little guys were so exhausted from the change, which was expressed by Max in his verbal/emotional way (i.e. lots of crying and whining) and by Shoghi in his physical/kinetic way (i.e. lots of biting). I guess for now I'm just going to have to find a peaceful place in my heart about not having any time by myself during the day. I think it must be in there, but it's very, very small. I need time alone - I needed it before having children, and even more so now that I'm using every neural connection to try to succeed at finding my way in this phase of my life. In short order, I'm going to have to get brave and accept some of the childcare help that's been offered... if you and I are friends on facebook, you no doubt know what I mean, since most of my chatter about this subject gets directed there.

What that means is that Bamboo Village is taking over the downstairs. All kinds of things find their way into the boys' hands. Prototypes of new designs for the spring are lying in various states of production, and all flat surfaces seem to be gathering more and more layers of items to be packed, made into final products, photographed or put away. It's kind of crazy, but with the boys at my feet all day, what else can I do?

a ruler's not dangerous, right?
that was yesterday... just look at those tired eyes!

max today with his smart new haircut - behind him you can see one of my double happiness fish towels

Today I had to take the boys to get yet another haircut. All the food in the long hair is pretty gross. Turns out, today is exactly a month since their first haircuts. Max's hair is so thin, it probably won't need a trim for a while, but I had them cut Shoghi's hair extra short, since it grows so very fast.

To be honest, even though S looks adorable with his new do, I'm not so crazy about this truly boyish style. It just seems so tough somehow... too hard? Too mature? I don't know... for some reason, it brought forward a lot of thoughts and fears about having a rough and tumble boy... I am having such a hard time teaching Shoghi to be gentle - Max currently has three nasty bruises from Shoghi biting him. It'll grow on me, I know... there was just a little shock seeing him look so different today!

getting there

I'm sitting in a quiet, peaceful house right now, at 7:34pm on a Sunday evening. It's been a quiet, peaceful house for about 20 minutes now, after Maxy boy fell asleep with his bedtime bottle in Auntie's arms, and Shoghi fell asleep on his own, in his crib (I still get a bitter little pang, saying that) after only about 8 minutes of wind-down. Sleep training is going well.

I wanted to wait a few days before posting. Unlike my last attempts at getting one or both of my babies to sleep at night, I felt more protective of the experience, perhaps knowing that this was it: the last baby I was going to have to train, and perhaps the harder one of the two. As it turns out, Shoghi was actually easier to train than Max, much to our deep and delighted surprise. He is taking less time to fall asleep with each passing night, and now it has been three nights already of no wakings between feedings.

Let me repeat that: no wakings between feedings!

Shoghi was waking up every 20 to 40 minutes all night long just a week ago, and now he wakes up twice: once at about 10, and again at 2am, and when I put him back down to sleep after he eats, he is going down with hardly a fuss most of the time. He has been sleeping until 6:30 or 7 in the morning. He wakes up happy.

Meanwhile, Max has maybe had a bit of regression, and falling asleep is a little harder for him right now... but he only wakes once during the night, and I'm already in the process of reducing and eventually eliminating this middle-of-the-night feeding. I hope that by switching his feeding to more like 5am, I will be able to get him to sleep in a bit, because that little guy is waking up for the day between 5 and 6 in the morning... not a welcome hour in any way. They might be sleeping better (let the partying commense!) but I still have to get up to feed them, which means that I am up for about an hour two times between midnight and wakeing for the day. Naps continue to be disasterous (we're starting to work on naps this week), so the chances of mama getting to take a nap during the day are zero.

OK, so now that all that sleep talk is out of the way, sorry for having now photos to share recently! We've had a combination of bad light in the house, busy, busy days, and a little boy Max with terrible, terrible eczema all over his dear face. I broke down and brought him to the doctor this week, where we got this official diagnosis. Since I've already switched him from milk to soy-based formula, and goat is NOT an option I am going to entertain, I think the eczema stemming from an allergy is probably not likely. Poor little nugget. It's getting better, though. I'll be able to post some new pics soon, but if you need a fix now, you can click over to my sister's blog, where she's also got a post up about sleep training, and has a bunch of gorgeous pictures of the boys. OK, I have to steal one of them, simply because I think it's such a fabulous shot of Maxy:

I have to say, life with the boys right now is, with the exception of our chaotic napping "schedule", really fun. They are opening up so much, and are exploring our toys and living room with great attention. This means I can step away sometimes for a minute or two for the first time since they were teeny tiny... if I could even do that then. They are also all over each other, which at first was pretty dangerous, what with all the reaching for the ears and eyes, but now they seem to have figured it out a little more and are remarkably gentle with each other. Still, mama has to keep a watchful eye because of course they don't really know what they're doing, and are likely to try to teethe on the others foot or head or something.

Their antics have become funnier and more delightful, too... Shoghi with his crazy poses and gymnast-like body, and Max with his own verbal acrobatics - they make us laugh all day long, as long as we are present enough to the moment to realize what they are doing. The minutes and hours are so packed full of need, and that need can be so exhausting that we do need to be brought to attention many times a day. Maybe I shouldn't say "we" - maybe I should just say "I need to be brought to attention many times a day". I am one tired lady! Auntie is usually my call to the moment - I will be sitting on the floor or doing something in the kitchen, and her laughter will break through and bring me to find Shoghi balancing on the toes of one foot and his hand, with the other arm up in the air and other leg kicked out in front, or she will call me to hear Max's new "th" sound or his funny "deet" or "gook" noises.

It's nice to realize that things have changed, and in some ways are easier now. We were really having a tough time of it for a few months, with a lot of constant fussing. I really do love this stage of babyhood, love watching them discover and learn and comprehend what we have so thoughtfully and deliberately placed around them as their early learning experiences.

This week, we'll be working hard on breaking the 30-minute nap cycle that has me going a bit batty. I'll keep you posted on how that goes, as well as maybe give you the long, long overdue nursing/eating post I have been meaning to do for months, now. Until then, sleep well, fair friends!

here we go again

Tonight we resume our Sleep Training Schedule.

I'd been waiting for the Sick to be gone and Teething to subside in order to re-start sleep training, but it has become clear to me that there may never be An Ideal Time, as now the teething continues for both wee ones, the mama and little Shoghi are still not completely well, and Seasonal Allergies have descended on our home. (Actually, the allergies are making me a bit fuzzy today, so this post may come and go in its clarity!) Since my parents are coming to town in just under 2 weeks, it seems critical now that we make some real progress before they arrive. It's nice to have a "deadline." They've been very supportive of me and my process of coming to terms with first putting the boys in cribs, and then deciding that they really did need some direct assistance with learning to fall asleep on their own, so it would be nice if we could display some new skills while they are here. Of course, better sleep will also mean better moods for the boys, and it would certanainly be great to be able to have that be the case while they are here.

Before speaking with our sleep coach, I read and re-read Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West. I have two mama peers who have used this book to help their babies to sleep better, one of whom also has twins. I felt that West's book provided the most realistic and comfortable plan I've seen, with her no-nonsense conclusion that changing your baby's habits may cause some stress and frustration for your babe (resulting in some crying), and maybe more direct and scheduled strategy (aka the Sleep Lady Shuffle) than the approach in No Cry Sleep Solution, which seemed nice but rather amorphous to me. Sleep training might just continue forever if I take (continue to take) such a "gentle" path. Anyway, I know it probably seems like I'm throwing these names and ideas around without much background... I just thought maybe these book names would be helpful to someone else.

Yesterday afternoon, I spent about an hour on the phone with Suzanne, our sleep coach. We went over the recent sleep behavior of both boys, but focused more on Shoghi, who hasn't really started yet. We talked about how much he's eating and when, his temperament, and my anxiety about working with him due to his high-level upsets. She reminded me that he can and does fall asleep in other situations, and that it involved a process of learning how to do that (as in the car. When he was tiny, he would be so upset in the car, and now he is very relaxed and falls asleep so peacefully there). She pointed out that soon enough he will be displaying the same kind of high emotion as a toddler, and I will be parenting through that part of his temperament always. Not that this served to scare me any less, but it helps to be reminded that this is just who he is, and the more I get used to supporting him through his emotions, the better off we'll all be.

Anyway, tonight we begin. Shoghi's crib is being moved into our extra room, and I will sleep in Laurie's room next door, while she takes up residence in my room with Max, who will have a bit of revising to his own sleep routine. Specifically, we're going to stop swaddling him. He's so ready to be done with the swaddle, but sadly, it means re-training him to go to sleep without its comfort. He goes a little nuts with all the freedom, and does a lot of rolling around the crib fussing, not knowing what to do with himself. We decided to train them both at the same time, so that we can all get back to being in the same room as soon as possible. She promises that if I am really consistent with Shoghi for the next 3 nights, we will be most of the way there. She also asked us to hold off making any changes to our napping routine while we're working on nighttime sleep.

Today is the boys' 8-month birthday. It seems special, given their birthday of 8/8/08... but mostly it makes me reflect on how far we've come in those 8 months. God, how could it be such a short, fleeting time that has transformed them from their 3-pound selves into these substantial, thriving, larger-than-life beings? I'm still in utter astonishment that I have been through this metamorphosis from a woman bearing the burden of 15+ years of infertility to a mama of two sons! I was listening to Carolyn Myss yesterday in the car, and she said (extreme paraphrase warning) that when you live in grace you make bold and audacious choices, and wow, this certainly has been the case for me. Choosing my ultimate path to motherhood was surprising, unconventional, and certainly bold and trusting of the powers of God or Universe or whatever you want to call it. And here we are, living my dream. I like to think that, in some way, it was their dream, too.

I am standing on the doorstep to the next phase in my own life - and this one I am less clear about than the last. How am I going to transform my life from what it is now (stay-at-home mom living on quickly depleting savings)? What is my vision of the next phase? The first part came so easily - imagining getting pregnant, quitting my job, moving across the country - but I have yet to become as clear about what's to come. This month's birth anniversary is yet another reminder that it's my job to be clear, to deliberately create the next part of our story. I thought that the arrival of the new Aries moon on 3/26 would afford me some time and inspiration to gain that vision, but I have had neither time nor dramatic new ideas. If anything, I have been overwhelmed yet again, this time by sickness and exhaustion. Yet another experience of motherhood is the lack of time to think. The fog of sleeplessness and the immediacy of need of the babies has me constantly humming, and leaves me feeling cotton-brained when faced with strategizing my/our future.

It's not a bad thing, necessarily. Being in this new place brings to my attention the need to shift my practices, to make time by expanding brief moments of quiet, to make more bold, concentrated visions of what I want. Reflecting on it this way, it seems a very powerful time in my own life... such enormous developmental changes are upon my children and at the same time my own inner world is being shaken down, to be rebuilt on a (hopefully) more solid, cathartic foundation (can there be such a thing?) that could allow me to continue to live in the life-changing grace that has flowed into my life already. Pretty exciting, really.

And so here we are again. Tonight I begin to teach my dear boy, my beautiful, emotive, passionate-about-being-with-mama son to fall asleep on his own. May I be guided to support him in just the right way, may the angels and the Concourse on High, the essence of grace and the mercy of God surround him as he learns. May it be much easier than I expect, and lead to his growth, his well-being, and ultimately, 12 hours of nighttime sleep.

Day 4, continued

I don't see much point in continuing to describe the play-by-play in our land of (not) sleep... I imagine everything is going to change tomorrow anyway. Yesterday (Day 4) was pretty good in terms of daytime sleep, but of course it still involved mid-nap bouncing and a 1.5 hour drive in the afternoon. Last night's sleep was completely disastrous. I pretty much lost my sh*t after being up with Shoghi from 10:30-12:45 and 2:15-4:45. Lucky for both of us, he finally fell asleep at 4:45 and slept in until a whopping 7:30. Of course, Max was up at 6:10, so it's not like I got to "sleep in" anyway.

This whole thing really challenges me to the core. I have written before about how I find the emotions of mothering alarming at times, and this issue seems particularly charged for me.

I was asked by email what led to deciding to work on sleep in this way. The simplest explanation is that the boys are each not hitting the 14 hours of sleep needed at this age. It's making Max very fussy, has meant that we have no discernible schedule, and leaves me full of anxiety every night. Basically, Shoghi's nights are a disaster, while Max's days are terrible. Fun for everyone, to be sure. That and the fact that mama needs to get some measure of sleep combined to make me desperate enough to pursue A Plan. If I just had one of them, I'm sure I could make it work, but with both of them, I'm at the end of my rope.

I've decided to go the route of the sleep consultant. I spoke with her for a free phone consultation this morning, describing our situation. I think her rates are pretty affordable, and while I won't have her come to the house, we'll talk on the phone tomorrow for probably over an hour, come up with a plan, and then she will provide me with daily email support as I implement our agreed upon plan. I assume there will be some thickening of my skin involved, for there is certain to be some fussing involved in whatever plan we come up with. She says she will work with me and my comfort level to choose from the range of sleep strategies. I like this - that she draws from everything that's out there. That's how I approach things, too... some aspects of this strategy, a little tool from that philosophy... creating something that will hopefully work for us. She warned me that with twins, it's likely to take more than a week.

So, I guess I'm probably going to abandon my posts about The Schedule, and after my consultation tomorrow, I'll start posting about the new plan. I'll let you know what we're trying and how it goes. Please keep up the encouragements. I take heart knowing that you're all reading and cheering me on... I love to see that there have even been readers from far-off places like Finland, Sweden, India and Morocco. I'd love to hear your take on sleep, and anything I might be missing.

The Schedule, Day 3

Today was a day that would likely end this experiment for many people. Truth be told, if I hadn't made the "public" commitment here to see this through for a week, I might have thrown in the towel after today's failure to discern any progress. I will persist, though... I will call on my Finnish SISU and get through this week with tenacity of purpose.

I have seen no progress or change in sleep behavior of my darling babies. This is exhausting and I daresay a little demoralizing. Shoghi had three 30 minute naps today, while Max had two naps - one was 30 minutes, and the other was 90, but involved 20 minutes of bouncing mid-nap and I had to hold him for a half an hour to keep him asleep. Clearly, this is not sustainable. They were up several times during the night and woke for the day at 6.

Oh, and just now? A Pyrex baking dish just exploded in our oven. With unset brownie mix in it. So much for comfort food after a shitty few days, huh? sigh.

The Schedule, Day 2

Is it going to be totally boring for me to give you daily updates on Executing The Schedule? Well, since I might not even be able to post every day, I'm just not going to worry about it. And since this is my first attempt at real discipline in the daily lives of my children, I'll just jot something down when I can, for posterity.

Day 2 wasn't great.

While our day started off really well with a 7:50 wake-up (which is better than the 6am awakenings I've been getting), the Morning Nap was a flop. Shoghi slept for an hour, but when Max woke up after his typical 30 minutes, I couldn't get him back to sleep.

max visiting in shoghi's crib after morning nap.
look at those red cheeks max has. in the middle of all this sleep madness,
i am also trying to figure out if he has a milk allergy.
we've tried him on soy and powdered goat's milk so far...
let me tell you - the smell of digested goat's milk is NASTY.
tomorrow i'm putting him back on soy.
i don't think i gave it enough time on our last go.

So, when they were both up and fed, we immediately packed them into the car so we could go to a little shopping district for a nice walk in the sun, and I needed to go to a bookstore for a little professional research. Unfortunately, even though they'd both been up for less than an hour, they proceeded to fall asleep in the FIVE MINUTE DRIVE to Hawthorne. Sh*t! I was exasperated and uncertain of what to do. We woke them up, thinking (in error) that they would continue to sleep in the stroller.

Two hours later, at the time they should have been getting ready for afternoon nap, we headed home. Guess what happened: Max fell asleep in the car, while Shoghi had a complete meltdown because he was hungry. So, due to the screaming, we drove right home, and then Max woke up (after sleeping for 5 minutes). He slept for a total of 30 minutes again in the afternoon, giving him total daytime naps of an hour. Worse than usual, and of course he was a complete mess until bedtime at 7. Then, Shoghi crashed from all the crying, slept for 20 minutes, and likewise wouldn't go back to sleep after his bottle. For a total of an hour and 20 minutes of napping. The No Cry Sleep Solution says you don't even count a 30 minute nap, so basically, Max didn't nap at all today. How do you think tonight's going to be?

You might think I'm just crazy or stupid for trying to get them on this schedule without doing some CIO (cry it out). Well, like Devon, I agree that there is a difference between fussing and all-out crying, and I can live with fussing. But crying just seems to violate a trust that I believe is between me and my children. They have their own Self - they have volition, they have sovereignty (so beautifully explained in "Everyday Blessings" by Jon & Myla Kabat Zin), and if they are just left to cry, I feel strongly that I am betraying them, even if my motives are ultimately going to "help" them. They can trust only very few people at this point in their lives, and they have to put their entire existence into my hands. They cannot come to me if they are upset; they cannot call to me except by crying. And while crying takes many forms, and I can distinguish between some of them, I know the cry, the language, the message and meaning of their cry if I leave them to do something (fall asleep) they've never had to do on their own (ok, aside from when they were in the NICU. Let's not return to that time, if you please).

Aside from all this falling asleep theory, there's also the whole dilemma of what to do when they wake up. It would be - ok, it will be -nice if they could fall back to sleep by themselves. During the night, though, I find myself empathising with them: we spend the whole day together, so what if they just want a little touch point in the night? Am I going to leave them to cry back to sleep? I don't think so. I know that when I have shared a bed with a partner, I have often rolled over in the night for the sake of taking comfort in that person's presence. Isn't it strange that the adults will be cuddled up while the babies lie alone? Why shouldn't the babies want the same thing we do? Why shouldn't I give that to them freely? Yes, it will invariably mean that I won't sleep as well, but they will not be so small forever, and if they wake up and we settle back down into a family bed, we'll all have room to return to sleep easily, in the comfort of each others presence.

You may find it funny that I can leave this relationship entirely up to other families to evaluate and choose for themselves - I really do understand the pros of CIO sleep training and know that it can sometimes be just a short transition. I worked as a nanny for years and know the ease of putting a baby to bed who has been trained. I also know the rigors of babycare and leave it to the hopefully throughtful discretion of other parents to choose their path without my judgment. I'm not here to say that my way is right - I just want to share my process and try to explain it the best I can. (I'm not a person big on debating politics, if you hadn't guessed that already).

a simple, small ikea crib is what i chose for both boys

So, here I am... on Night Two of The Schedule... we'll see how it goes. Oh, and as I was explaining to my mom tonight, I am envisioning this as a several-tiered process -we establish the schedule, then we see the boys anticipate their naps and nighttime sleep, then we start decreasing the amount of bouncing, then they are laid in their cribs before they are complely asleep, etc. My ultimate goal is to be able to put them both down in their cribs for whatever sleep they are needing, and allow them to fall asleep themselves. I know they can do this. I know I waited a long time to get to this place... but we were living with another family, and then visiting my family, and then in transition in our new home. This is really our first opportunity, and it feels right to do this slowly and deliberately so I can watch the boys and see how they react to each step of transition.

So there you have it. Day 2. Feels like a long way to go.

Edited To Add: I also wanted to be clear that I have not ruled out sleep training that involves CIO, believe it or not. Maybe that's why this is so hard: I'm considering all options. I just feel like this process I have described is the most in line with my beliefs about my relationship with my boys, so I will pursue it as an experiment and see if we can make it work. I've been doing a lot of independent investigation on sleep, reading materials I had previously frowned upon. Just so's you know... And I know some of you will think I'm feeling like I have to defend myself here... no, it's not really that. I just want to do my best in describing how I'm making these big parenting decisions. There is a lot of debate over these philosophies, and it's important to me that I am clear within myself as to how and why I am choosing this course. Make sense?