the one where she laughs at herself

Remember yesterday? When I posted that I wanted to take the kid's clothes week challenge?

Yeah.

Um...

That didn't work out so well. I pretty much sleep-walked through the day, keeping up with the boys, who were also over tired from being up last night. It was also my second night in a row of getting less than 4 hours of sleep. So, the sewing machine didn't make it out today.

However, I will say that I have a plan, and I will also say that maybe I can just celebrate Day 1 with the gift of handmade clothes for my children - because they have brand new pajamas made by their great-grandma.

shoghi-wan kenobi

I think that counts, right?

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see here or at soulemama.

stomp it out

Unrelated to photo:

Doing Max's bedtime in my bed turned out to be a not-so-very-good idea, but getting him to go to sleep in his crib again is proving to be quite difficult for us all.

bedtime

this week, max made it clear to me that he no longer was willing to go to sleep in his crib - instead, he tearfully insisted on going to bed in my bed.

max sleeps in my room, his crib next to my bed, while shoghi has his own room. this arrangement happened during last year's sleep training, and a later failed attempt at putting them in that room together in the fall. they just wake each other up too much to be sleeping in the same room.

so, every night at 11 or 12, max wakes up and i pull him into bed with me. do i have conflicted feelings about getting this extra daily snuggle time with only one of my boys? yes. i have to remind myself daily that this is a thoughtful choice, based on what each of them shows me he needs. and the fact that we don't have another room to offer max for a room of his own.

he has been so completely *joyful* at getting to go to sleep in the big bed, it takes him a little extra time to settle down, and the added difference is that during this transition, i am having to lay down beside him to get him to relax and go to sleep. i imagine after a few more days of adjustment i will edge my way closer to the door each night so we can get back to him falling asleep on his own. honestly, this came up so quickly, i didn't even do any reading about transitioning into beds - i don't really know how else to do it.

since the bed is on the floor, i haven't had rails, and it seems to be working to box him in with the body pillow so i actually have room to lie down on the outside of the bed by the time i go to sleep.

what a big change! i had imagined at one time that we three would all sleep in the same bed, but now with new developments in him rolling all over the bed at night, i seriously don't know how people sleep with more than one kid in the family bed. he and i are in a king, and i am being pushed off the bed nightly!

the good with the bad

it's been a really rough 24 hours. a hard bedtime last night, and then a 2:30-4am waking for shoghi that was colored with screaming tantrums, if you can even call it a tantrum. he has these horrible wakings when he's teething, but this was by far the worst. kicking, scratching, back arching, screaming and crying, for 90 minutes in the middle of the night before he finally fell asleep in my arms. i'm so grateful max didn't wake up.

today both of them skipped their nap for the first time, so the afternoon was terrible, and shoghi's bedtime was again emotional and hard. poor boy. damned molars.



but there were a few fun things today, among which was my very first mama haircut for max - in fact the first haircut i've ever done without clippers. it was just a spontaneous thing after seeing his bangs bother him. i put him in his high chair, put on "click, clack, moo" and set to work. it's noticeably amateur, but that kind of makes me love it even more. i think i'll do shoghi's tomorrow!

bedtime ritual

I'm a pretty regimented mom. We have a schedule that has evolved over the past year, and I love it. We're firmly down to one nap a day now, too, and did I tell you that I finally got Shoghi off of those stressful nighttime milk bottles? Yep - the the past month, he's given up his bottle, and is also doing better at sleeping through the night (finally!) most of the time.

Our most consistent ritual, though, is bedtime, which we call sleepytime. After dinner, the boys go a little nuts, running, squealing with laughter at each other, getting out the last of the day's big energy. If they're terribly messy after their meal, we go up and they take a bath, once or twice a week. About a half an hour later, I put on a DVD - usually Goodnight Gorilla - and we all sit down and watch together while pajamas are put on and teeth are brushed.

a typical end-of-day scene of snuggling, tv-watching, and a big mess in the background

After as little as 10 and as long as 20 minutes, we all head upstairs - the boys crawling up the staris themselves. They both stand in Shoghi's crib in his room (they've been in separate rooms since they went into cribs), and I read several books, sing a song or two, and then the boys say goodnight to each other with kisses and hugs, which has recently evolved into lying on top of each other, rolling around, laughing with each other, and sometimes ends with someone being bitten (remember our problems with biting? it's back, and now they both bite!).

shoghi taking a nap

Then I take Max to his room, settle him in his crib, returning afterward to Shoghi's room to give him a small bottle of water which he keeps in his crib all night, sing to him, and say good night. Many times, that's it - they might chat for a while, but they both calmly go to sleep. They're generally sleeping by 7, which is a blessed, early time. Since they get up so early - Max gets up at 5:30 consistently - the early bedtime is a necessity for us all.

napping Max, who still loves his thumb!

recent nighttime changes

Ah, it's morning naptime. I have started writing posts about our most recent attempt at switching down to one nap, but since I never finish them, I'll just mention here that our 17-month experiment lasted 2 weeks and ended in disastrous sleep for all four of us.

We're back to two naps on most days, at 8:30 or 9 and again at 1:30 or 2, and if one or both of them skips one, I just don't sweat it. It's hard - my friends with children a little older than my boys all think switching to one nap is the right thing to do, especially because Shoghi was having some really traumatic and long wakings over the past month, but I know he's not ready. Again, I could probably switch Max easily, but Shoghi just sleeps more, and he needs it. In hindsight now, it seems like his sleep disturbances were related to both teeth and language development. But as the mom of kids who were born two months prematurely, I never know when to factor in their age difference - it seems common for 18-month olds to have switched down to one nap, but more acceptable to think of 16-month olds to be taking two. Whatever the case, I have to follow their lead.

January brought a big leap in language for both Max and Shoghi - here Max is touching a sculpture and saying "bear."

Early in January, we had five blissful nights when Shoghi slept completely through until morning with no wakings for bottles. This ended abruptly with the emergence of his four canines, which coincided unfortunately with Max's own top canines, causing him to wake at 3am for the day several times. It seems that Max's bottom canines are about to emerge, evidenced by two days already of a low grade fever and lots of whining and then crying at night, but fortunately Shoghi finally seems to have broken through his weeks of terrible nights - he's on his third day of sleeping straight through again. You see how this is a balancing act for me to get any sleep at all? The stars really have to align.

my poor little muffin has had a hard month, leading to a resurgence of biting. sometimes this is mitigated by sucking on bottle nipples.

I've decided to bite the bullet - once and for all helping Shoghi end his dependence on nighttime bottles. My parents are going to be here in a week, so I hope by the time they get here we'll be officially done. I've been letting him have a bottle in the morning after we come downstairs, and another at bedtime (also downstairs), so once he stops associating them with getting back to sleep, I'll deal with eliminating them from the rest of the scene. It seems like Shoghi must be going through some more developmental changes, because for the past week he's been reaching into the drawer where I keep the bottle/ sippy cup parts and finding bottle nipples to suck on. He walks around the house biting and sucking them... it seems a strange age to possibly introduce a binkie, but I might try it.

On Monday, we'll be celebrating the boys' 18-month birthday! A year and a half already, and Sunday I'm meeting a potential babysitter - very exciting changes are happening.

january, a month of constant vigilence

January has been quite a month! The boys are both now solidly walking, talking up a storm, and signing quite a lot! We endured two rounds of colds, our first case of impetigo, and the emergence of 6 out of our 8 canines (Max still hasn't hatched his bottom two). This has led to extreme sleep disturbances, and an average of 4 hours a night of sleep for me, as I spent my nights shuttling between my unhappy boys. For the first time in a very long time, I actually had to enlist my sister's help during the night on at least two occasions. By the end of the month, it also became clear that it was time to try reducing to one nap a day - we're still in the throes of that transition.

some beautiful weather this month meant a lot of time outside.
shoghi discovers soil for the first time.

the emotional needs of toddlers can be so intense. thank god i'm in the habit of babywearing. i honestly don't know what i would do without my carriers.

This was our third month since our dear Emilia retired from caring for my boys in order to welcome her own sweet baby. To say I've missed her is an extreme under-statement; in short, the household fell into complete disorder, I had to close Bamboo Village Press and completely abandon my other brand new business Good Karma Marketing. If you are one of the many friends or family who has emailed, commented, left voicemail, or sent a message via facebook, you may suspect that I have been ignoring you - in reality, I just haven't had any time. I haven't listened to voicemail for about two weeks, to be honest. I guess I'm a little shut down these days.

This month, I was inspired by several of my mama-of-multiple friends and a visit to All Roads Montessori School to give the boys more opportunities to participate in learning about daily life. Miriam is a mom of triplet girls who sent me a very helpful intro to setting up the house in Montessori-style, following a visit from my friend Jolene who planted the idea that I could use this method at home.

we took these lights down and the boys were both so fascinated, i decided to put them in a basket on the shelf. they carry the basket to the table and i plug them in. we've talked a lot about colors this month, so this activity was a good match.

These inspirations have mostly involved changes in mealtime and cycles of activity. I've deliberately refrained from using the word "help" when we're tidying up or doing other chores - I want them to get a sense that it's just a part of the day, and that they are responsible participants, not helpers. I've capitalized on their obsession with sweeping and vacuuming to make these a part of completing meal times and activities involving messy play (like rice or bean play).

any excuse to sweep
much fighting ensues over whose turn it is with the broom. i hope to get two child-sized brooms this month

Jen described in a recent post how she does meals with her twins. Until that time, I'd been resigning myself to the bowl-hurling, and had convinced myself that they weren't ready for dishes - for the most part, I was putting their food right on the table, which seemed logical after they both graduated from highchairs with trays back in December. Then I started serving them on those plastic plates with little divided sections, and they LOVED it.


At the same time, I realized that this was going to require me to be at the table with them at all times, not preparing each different dinner item as the meal progressed (i.e. as they rejected the last thing). They both really love seeing all their food at once, and generally go for the fruit first, but don't complain when it's done. I did a lot of praising - basically a running commentary of "wow! Max is keeping his plate on the table!" and "Shoghi, I love how you're eating with your spoon!"

All of this work has yielded real fruits: we have very little food throwing, and virtually no plates end up on the floor anymore (wish I could say the same about spoons and forks, but you gotta start somewhere, right?). I do preempt the throwing, though... if I see them gearing up, I say "oh, it looks like you're done. Let's move your plate" or something along those lines. I also tell them that I'm going to help them to remember how to do something, rather than just taking it away.

messy baby/clean baby.
some things never change!

In celebration of this amazing mealtime transformation, and after visiting the Montessori school, I got some small ceramic plates and cups from Goodwill and that's now what we are using at the table. They seem to love their open cups, and like watching me pour their milk (which I give about a tablespoon at a time).

our new place settings

The other major change has been that I basically follow them around now during their active time, and draw their attention back when they're finishing an activity. I tell them that I see they're finished with it, and tell them that we'll put it back on the shelf. I didn't really think they were even hearing me, but last Monday at the doctor's office, I told them we were going to put the toys away before leaving the exam room, and Shoghi actually picked up a toy and put it away! I was so shocked and excited!

In a similar vein, Max has learned to pick up his juice cup or any snacks he has (intentionally) dropped onto the floor from their small table (which I use for snacks) and put them back onthe table. He stands there and applauds for himself, which is totally darling.

This constant attention to what they are doing, and my running narrative of what we are doing and how we are finishing, has definitely contributed to my lack of time to get anything done. By the time the boys are in bed and the kitchen is cleaned up, I have just about done everything I can for the day. I watch an hour or so of TV with my sister and then head off to bed, only to be invariably woken an hour or two later to attend to one of the boys... and so it begins again.

In February, I'm counting on better sleep, unless our 2-year molars decide to show up early (there's been a lot of chewing on fingers this week). I will definitely have to do some kind of modified sleep training for Shoghi, who has reverted back to his persistent, angry wakings of a year ago. Plus, I have got to get rid of his nighttime bottle once and for all... and so the story goes.

we discovered planes this month: "A PLANE!!"

I'm glad to leave the stress of January behind, and look forward to this month which will bring a visit from my parents. Be well, Internet friendlies!

not so fast

i finally gave in and let m have a second nap at 3:30 after his 20-minute nap from 11:30-11:50.

Well, I don't know about this one nap thing. The boys are clearly not ready for it. I'd show you the pictures and video I took during our extremely LONG and WHINY day yesterday, but the tears and snot would probably gross you out, and the whining in the video might just split your eardrums. I'd probably lose my entire readership in one post.

too tired to even eat lunch at 11am, we resorted to bottles with some rice cereal added to fill up hungry, sleepy tummies.

So, yeah. Today we're back to two naps. The little guys were so exhausted from the change, which was expressed by Max in his verbal/emotional way (i.e. lots of crying and whining) and by Shoghi in his physical/kinetic way (i.e. lots of biting). I guess for now I'm just going to have to find a peaceful place in my heart about not having any time by myself during the day. I think it must be in there, but it's very, very small. I need time alone - I needed it before having children, and even more so now that I'm using every neural connection to try to succeed at finding my way in this phase of my life. In short order, I'm going to have to get brave and accept some of the childcare help that's been offered... if you and I are friends on facebook, you no doubt know what I mean, since most of my chatter about this subject gets directed there.

What that means is that Bamboo Village is taking over the downstairs. All kinds of things find their way into the boys' hands. Prototypes of new designs for the spring are lying in various states of production, and all flat surfaces seem to be gathering more and more layers of items to be packed, made into final products, photographed or put away. It's kind of crazy, but with the boys at my feet all day, what else can I do?

a ruler's not dangerous, right?
that was yesterday... just look at those tired eyes!

max today with his smart new haircut - behind him you can see one of my double happiness fish towels

Today I had to take the boys to get yet another haircut. All the food in the long hair is pretty gross. Turns out, today is exactly a month since their first haircuts. Max's hair is so thin, it probably won't need a trim for a while, but I had them cut Shoghi's hair extra short, since it grows so very fast.

To be honest, even though S looks adorable with his new do, I'm not so crazy about this truly boyish style. It just seems so tough somehow... too hard? Too mature? I don't know... for some reason, it brought forward a lot of thoughts and fears about having a rough and tumble boy... I am having such a hard time teaching Shoghi to be gentle - Max currently has three nasty bruises from Shoghi biting him. It'll grow on me, I know... there was just a little shock seeing him look so different today!

down to one

Hey, thanks for all the birthday wishes! It was such a lovely day, and your kind words went straight to my heart!

It's been such a hectic time here. Napping has been way off for both the little fellas, with Max showing clear signs that he just won't sleep for more than a combined 11-12 hours per 24 hours. My ability to get stuff done for Bamboo Village was seriously diminished by having many days in a row of absolutely no alone time as the boys were snoozing at different times, not to mention being able to achieve the basics of, oh, you know... minor things like washing diapers or cooking meals.

Finally I decided three days ago that it's time to switch from two naps a day to one... or at least try it and see what happens. It's unfortunate for little Shoghurt, or "sho-du" as Max calls him -- he's a very happy sleeper, and adores his morning and afternoon nods.


So far, it's going fairly well. Max still hasn't had a day of napping for more than 90 minutes, and is still waking up between 5 and 6am, much to my dismay. Today we made morning stops at two friend's homes, and by 11am when we got home for lunch, Shoghi just couldn't make it a second longer. Laurie and I laughed hysterical but sympathetic bursts while the little fella struggled to keep his eyes open... we tried jiggling him, feeding him, standing him up on his feet, but his eyes kept rolling, and finally he dropped off to dreamland while I was changing his diaper. It was so pathetically funny. I was very bummed that my camera was without batteries! It was super sweet.


So, now that our visits with family and friends are over until my parents come in February (we can hardly wait!), I'm trying to get the house back in order, pack some things for our upcoming move, keep these active boys entertained, and tend to my lovely Bamboo Village. I even managed to post over there today about some of the creative projects in the works, as well as some brief words on the challenges of doing this with the boys under foot.

night time diapering

I always thought I would be a cloth diapering mama. It only made sense - I remember it well from my own childhood, it's economical, seems like it would be a lot more comfortable for baby, and of course there are the environmental benefits of not throwing away thousands of disposable diapers. Cloth has come a long way since my own childhood in the 70s. Now you can use the traditional prefolds, but you can also get cloth diapers that are as easy as a disposable in the form of pocket diapers and all-in-ones. I haven't tried too many varieties - quite early on I settled on fuzzy bunz pocket diapers. They have a semi-waterproof outer layer, making it so that you don't have to use a wool diaper cover. They're easy to use, easy to wash, and pretty inexpensive - I bought mind for less than $15.50 each, and currently I'm rotating about 30 diapers for twins. We've been using this set of diapers since about March, and all indications are that they will continue to fit for probably 10 more pounds of growth. That's just $465 for maybe a year of use!

Nights are a different story. My struggles to get the boys to sleep well at night are well-documented here - the choice to use disposables at night so I wouldn't have to do overnight changes was a no brainer. Even with using cloth all day long, I still spend about $50 a month on disposables, as we have also been using them for car outings. Sitting in the carseat for a couple of hours seems to always result in wet pants. I've been bummed about using the disposables, but felt like I had little choice unless I wanted to deal with wet clothes and extra nighttime wakings.

So, last week when I read this post from one of my favorite twin/parenting blogs, I was excited to find a cloth diapering solution that seemed to be a good option for nights. On the same day, I found the brand of cloth diaper she recommended on craigslist for a great price - only I found dream-eze's new all-in-one diaper with a PUL outer layer, which could mean not even having to use an extra layer of a wool soaker on the outside. I was really excited to pick up these gorgeous new diapers.

Upon seeing the dream-eze AIOs, I knew I was going to love them. They're trim, comfortable-looking, and as an all-in-one, I wasn't going to have to pull out a liner from a dirty diaper. We tried them that very night, and I was thrilled to have absolutely no leaks - about 60% of the time, even our disposables leak!

Sadly, that first night was our only success. Max got a terrible diaper rash for the first time, due no doubt to the detergent used by the previous owner. While his poor bottom healed, I kept him in diaposables at night, and Shoghi continued to wear the dream-eze. His sleep became very disturbed. At 10 months old, I guess he just couldn't get used to the different feeling of the cloth's wetness. He was waking every couple of hours, and for a few nights in a row, I ended up changing him into a dry diaper at about 3am.

I'm sad to say that I've given up on nighttime cloth. Maybe I didn't try for long enough. I really think that if we had been doing this from the beginning, it would have been fine, I just don't like the sense I get of making the boys get used to a different - and clearly uncomfortable - feeling in their pants. Not to mention that I don't like to be waking up to crying babies all night long.

The investment in the dream-eze diapers isn't a total loss, though not being able to use them at night was definitely disappointing. I'm now using them for car rides, with terrific success. If the boys are still in cloth when they graduate from the medium fuzzy bunz, I will be really tempted to switch to these amazing diapers.

If you're thinking about cloth, I say give it a try - it's easier than you probably think. I'm surprised to be still using it myself - when we moved from Korin's, we all figured that cloth would be the first to go, but here we are, still going strong. It's not a lot of work, and it's quite rewarding, somehow! I'd just suggest that you invest in good nighttime diapering supplies early on so that the baby(ies) gets used to it from the beginning. I wish we had!

getting there

I'm sitting in a quiet, peaceful house right now, at 7:34pm on a Sunday evening. It's been a quiet, peaceful house for about 20 minutes now, after Maxy boy fell asleep with his bedtime bottle in Auntie's arms, and Shoghi fell asleep on his own, in his crib (I still get a bitter little pang, saying that) after only about 8 minutes of wind-down. Sleep training is going well.

I wanted to wait a few days before posting. Unlike my last attempts at getting one or both of my babies to sleep at night, I felt more protective of the experience, perhaps knowing that this was it: the last baby I was going to have to train, and perhaps the harder one of the two. As it turns out, Shoghi was actually easier to train than Max, much to our deep and delighted surprise. He is taking less time to fall asleep with each passing night, and now it has been three nights already of no wakings between feedings.

Let me repeat that: no wakings between feedings!

Shoghi was waking up every 20 to 40 minutes all night long just a week ago, and now he wakes up twice: once at about 10, and again at 2am, and when I put him back down to sleep after he eats, he is going down with hardly a fuss most of the time. He has been sleeping until 6:30 or 7 in the morning. He wakes up happy.

Meanwhile, Max has maybe had a bit of regression, and falling asleep is a little harder for him right now... but he only wakes once during the night, and I'm already in the process of reducing and eventually eliminating this middle-of-the-night feeding. I hope that by switching his feeding to more like 5am, I will be able to get him to sleep in a bit, because that little guy is waking up for the day between 5 and 6 in the morning... not a welcome hour in any way. They might be sleeping better (let the partying commense!) but I still have to get up to feed them, which means that I am up for about an hour two times between midnight and wakeing for the day. Naps continue to be disasterous (we're starting to work on naps this week), so the chances of mama getting to take a nap during the day are zero.

OK, so now that all that sleep talk is out of the way, sorry for having now photos to share recently! We've had a combination of bad light in the house, busy, busy days, and a little boy Max with terrible, terrible eczema all over his dear face. I broke down and brought him to the doctor this week, where we got this official diagnosis. Since I've already switched him from milk to soy-based formula, and goat is NOT an option I am going to entertain, I think the eczema stemming from an allergy is probably not likely. Poor little nugget. It's getting better, though. I'll be able to post some new pics soon, but if you need a fix now, you can click over to my sister's blog, where she's also got a post up about sleep training, and has a bunch of gorgeous pictures of the boys. OK, I have to steal one of them, simply because I think it's such a fabulous shot of Maxy:

I have to say, life with the boys right now is, with the exception of our chaotic napping "schedule", really fun. They are opening up so much, and are exploring our toys and living room with great attention. This means I can step away sometimes for a minute or two for the first time since they were teeny tiny... if I could even do that then. They are also all over each other, which at first was pretty dangerous, what with all the reaching for the ears and eyes, but now they seem to have figured it out a little more and are remarkably gentle with each other. Still, mama has to keep a watchful eye because of course they don't really know what they're doing, and are likely to try to teethe on the others foot or head or something.

Their antics have become funnier and more delightful, too... Shoghi with his crazy poses and gymnast-like body, and Max with his own verbal acrobatics - they make us laugh all day long, as long as we are present enough to the moment to realize what they are doing. The minutes and hours are so packed full of need, and that need can be so exhausting that we do need to be brought to attention many times a day. Maybe I shouldn't say "we" - maybe I should just say "I need to be brought to attention many times a day". I am one tired lady! Auntie is usually my call to the moment - I will be sitting on the floor or doing something in the kitchen, and her laughter will break through and bring me to find Shoghi balancing on the toes of one foot and his hand, with the other arm up in the air and other leg kicked out in front, or she will call me to hear Max's new "th" sound or his funny "deet" or "gook" noises.

It's nice to realize that things have changed, and in some ways are easier now. We were really having a tough time of it for a few months, with a lot of constant fussing. I really do love this stage of babyhood, love watching them discover and learn and comprehend what we have so thoughtfully and deliberately placed around them as their early learning experiences.

This week, we'll be working hard on breaking the 30-minute nap cycle that has me going a bit batty. I'll keep you posted on how that goes, as well as maybe give you the long, long overdue nursing/eating post I have been meaning to do for months, now. Until then, sleep well, fair friends!

here we go again

Tonight we resume our Sleep Training Schedule.

I'd been waiting for the Sick to be gone and Teething to subside in order to re-start sleep training, but it has become clear to me that there may never be An Ideal Time, as now the teething continues for both wee ones, the mama and little Shoghi are still not completely well, and Seasonal Allergies have descended on our home. (Actually, the allergies are making me a bit fuzzy today, so this post may come and go in its clarity!) Since my parents are coming to town in just under 2 weeks, it seems critical now that we make some real progress before they arrive. It's nice to have a "deadline." They've been very supportive of me and my process of coming to terms with first putting the boys in cribs, and then deciding that they really did need some direct assistance with learning to fall asleep on their own, so it would be nice if we could display some new skills while they are here. Of course, better sleep will also mean better moods for the boys, and it would certanainly be great to be able to have that be the case while they are here.

Before speaking with our sleep coach, I read and re-read Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West. I have two mama peers who have used this book to help their babies to sleep better, one of whom also has twins. I felt that West's book provided the most realistic and comfortable plan I've seen, with her no-nonsense conclusion that changing your baby's habits may cause some stress and frustration for your babe (resulting in some crying), and maybe more direct and scheduled strategy (aka the Sleep Lady Shuffle) than the approach in No Cry Sleep Solution, which seemed nice but rather amorphous to me. Sleep training might just continue forever if I take (continue to take) such a "gentle" path. Anyway, I know it probably seems like I'm throwing these names and ideas around without much background... I just thought maybe these book names would be helpful to someone else.

Yesterday afternoon, I spent about an hour on the phone with Suzanne, our sleep coach. We went over the recent sleep behavior of both boys, but focused more on Shoghi, who hasn't really started yet. We talked about how much he's eating and when, his temperament, and my anxiety about working with him due to his high-level upsets. She reminded me that he can and does fall asleep in other situations, and that it involved a process of learning how to do that (as in the car. When he was tiny, he would be so upset in the car, and now he is very relaxed and falls asleep so peacefully there). She pointed out that soon enough he will be displaying the same kind of high emotion as a toddler, and I will be parenting through that part of his temperament always. Not that this served to scare me any less, but it helps to be reminded that this is just who he is, and the more I get used to supporting him through his emotions, the better off we'll all be.

Anyway, tonight we begin. Shoghi's crib is being moved into our extra room, and I will sleep in Laurie's room next door, while she takes up residence in my room with Max, who will have a bit of revising to his own sleep routine. Specifically, we're going to stop swaddling him. He's so ready to be done with the swaddle, but sadly, it means re-training him to go to sleep without its comfort. He goes a little nuts with all the freedom, and does a lot of rolling around the crib fussing, not knowing what to do with himself. We decided to train them both at the same time, so that we can all get back to being in the same room as soon as possible. She promises that if I am really consistent with Shoghi for the next 3 nights, we will be most of the way there. She also asked us to hold off making any changes to our napping routine while we're working on nighttime sleep.

Today is the boys' 8-month birthday. It seems special, given their birthday of 8/8/08... but mostly it makes me reflect on how far we've come in those 8 months. God, how could it be such a short, fleeting time that has transformed them from their 3-pound selves into these substantial, thriving, larger-than-life beings? I'm still in utter astonishment that I have been through this metamorphosis from a woman bearing the burden of 15+ years of infertility to a mama of two sons! I was listening to Carolyn Myss yesterday in the car, and she said (extreme paraphrase warning) that when you live in grace you make bold and audacious choices, and wow, this certainly has been the case for me. Choosing my ultimate path to motherhood was surprising, unconventional, and certainly bold and trusting of the powers of God or Universe or whatever you want to call it. And here we are, living my dream. I like to think that, in some way, it was their dream, too.

I am standing on the doorstep to the next phase in my own life - and this one I am less clear about than the last. How am I going to transform my life from what it is now (stay-at-home mom living on quickly depleting savings)? What is my vision of the next phase? The first part came so easily - imagining getting pregnant, quitting my job, moving across the country - but I have yet to become as clear about what's to come. This month's birth anniversary is yet another reminder that it's my job to be clear, to deliberately create the next part of our story. I thought that the arrival of the new Aries moon on 3/26 would afford me some time and inspiration to gain that vision, but I have had neither time nor dramatic new ideas. If anything, I have been overwhelmed yet again, this time by sickness and exhaustion. Yet another experience of motherhood is the lack of time to think. The fog of sleeplessness and the immediacy of need of the babies has me constantly humming, and leaves me feeling cotton-brained when faced with strategizing my/our future.

It's not a bad thing, necessarily. Being in this new place brings to my attention the need to shift my practices, to make time by expanding brief moments of quiet, to make more bold, concentrated visions of what I want. Reflecting on it this way, it seems a very powerful time in my own life... such enormous developmental changes are upon my children and at the same time my own inner world is being shaken down, to be rebuilt on a (hopefully) more solid, cathartic foundation (can there be such a thing?) that could allow me to continue to live in the life-changing grace that has flowed into my life already. Pretty exciting, really.

And so here we are again. Tonight I begin to teach my dear boy, my beautiful, emotive, passionate-about-being-with-mama son to fall asleep on his own. May I be guided to support him in just the right way, may the angels and the Concourse on High, the essence of grace and the mercy of God surround him as he learns. May it be much easier than I expect, and lead to his growth, his well-being, and ultimately, 12 hours of nighttime sleep.

1,000 steps closer

Today I think I can safely say that Max's nighttime sleep training has been a success. He's had 3 nights of sleeping through the night. I give him a "dream feeding" at 3 or 4am, which just means that I pick him up, feed him, and put him back in his crib while still asleep. He's sleeping from about 7:15pm to 6:30am. He has responded so well to our gentle approach, so that now I swaddle him with one arm tucked in, say some little prayers with him, read one story, and lie him down in his crib, tucked up to the side of the crib. He does seem to like resting against the bumper - this was one of the recommendations our sleep coach gave us. He might utter a little fuss or whimper, but I sit with him, singing softly, and he is asleep in under 5 minutes. To say this is a relief is as great an understatement as there could be. I think I could even just leave him to do it himself at this point, but I enjoy that time with him, and I'm still so astonished, it's like watching magic happen before my eyes. I am halfway there.

Daytime sleep is another issue, but I'm not going to worry about that for now. We'll just keep cycling through, offering naps 90-120 minutes after they wake, all day long. Oh, and Max just yesterday began making that dreaded "mmm" noise that is so synonymous with Teething. That's bound to make things interesting.

Now we begin, slowly, with Shoghi. The sleep coach has recommended that while our doula/babysitter is away, we use some of the techniques from No Cry Sleep Solution, getting him used to being in the crib awake, being put down in the crib while still drowsy, and having a couple of minutes before someone rushes in upon his waking. I tried some of this last night. He was so "on" while I was trying to bounce him to sleep, I decided to just put him down rather than try to wrestle with his back arching and looking all around. Well, he was having none of it, I tell you. Shoghi doesn't really get sad - from the time he was born, he has gone from unhappy to SUPREMELY ANGRY in about one breath. Last night was the same. So, then I was trying to hold and console a very angry baby. After that, he would wake up every single time I tried to put him back in the crib until I finally gave him another bottle to calm him down. Bedtime lasted for about an hour or longer, and then he proceeded to wake up frequently until I finally threw in the towel and went to bed with him in tow at about 9:30. It's ok, though... I know I have to get him used to the idea that he's got to wait it out a little. I just hope that 10 days from now, he's more ready than he is now. I'm going to do my best to make sure he is.

In the meanwhile, I'm still not getting any more sleep. Between his wakings and listening to and for Max, prompting myself to get up for dream feedings, and just generally keeping my mama radar up all night, I'm up, clockwatching, at least every hour. Still, I can already say that Max's success makes the money I am spending on sleep training some of the best I've ever spent in my life... and I'm sure it will continue to be as Shoghi comes closer to sleeping all night long, too. I just hope that in the interrim I'm able to shake off the sleepies enough to be the fun and inspired mama I so want to be, at least some of the time. We are doing a lot of afternoon naps in the car these days, just so I can get some down time.

Enjoy your sleep, dear readers!

ps: you might also be interested in reading about our sleep training from my sister's perspective. she wrote about it on her blog here.

before bed

I just wanted to take a moment before going to bed tonight for a little gratitude. I so appreciate all the support flowing this way right now, both from the blog and from facebook. Your comments, emails, messages and calls have really sustained me. Thank you so much for taking an interest in this little family and sending your words of encouragement.

I'm also glad to say that today was markedly easier. Tonight, Max fell asleep with me by the side of his crib, singing to him after only five minutes of lying there. He fussed for less than a minute and there was absolutely no crying, and fell asleep without anything in his mouth. I wouldn't have believed this would happen just one night after our experience yesterday.

Here are some photos taken today:

he fell asleep sucking his thumb!

Shoghi has been moved to L's room while Max takes Sleep 101

Today we celebrated spring by going to opening day of the farmer's market!
Here's Laurie carrying Shoghi in the meitai.

comfort level

Uncharted territory. Sleep training has introduced me to a new aspect of parenting: allowing (or forcing?) your child to be uncomfortable for the sake of his growth. Last night was our second night of what seems to me to be hard core sleep training, and it really pushed me to the limits of my comfort. It's like walking the edge of the sword, and it hurts. You're constantly evaluating your child, yourself, the situation... and if you're really not sure just how much you'll be able to do, it makes for a very draining experience, because you're not just holding the line - the line is its own living, breathing entity, and you are discovering it minute by minute, breath by breath.

Poor baby had a hard time last night. I am trying to get him to drift off without his binkie and without me bouncing him on the yoga ball. So far, we've already been able to completely eliminate the ball, which is astonishing. The binkie, though, is not so easily cast aside. The problem is, he can't put it back in his mouth. If he could, this wouldn't be an issue. He's been a thumb sucker in the past, and still does occasionally, so I'm to try to get him to think of his thumb, which is monumentally hard to do when he's upset. If I touch him, he thinks I'm going to pick him up, so the fact that I'm trying to guide his hand to his mouth seems very confusing. He has taken a little to sucking on the corner of his satin-edged blanket, but once he reaches a certain level of unhappiness, that's no longer good enough. So, it was an hour of trying to soothe him with my voice, with my hand on his head or chest, giving him his blanket or thumb, my pinkie (which caused further crying when I removed it). Hard stuff. I finally gave him his binkie, which made me feel defeated and like I'd caused him to suffer needlessly, which I don't actually believe, but in the moment, it felt terrible. I remind myself that when we're in the car, he does cry, and he also falls asleep without assistance. This is evidence that he can do this, it's just going to be somewhat uncomfortable. I happen to think it's my job to determine what is uncomfortable and what is distressed and panicking.

Later on in the night, he did really well. When he woke up at 11, I managed to keep myself away, and he only complained a little before finding his thumb and going back to sleep. And at 3 after his bottle, I laid him down so I could bounce Shogh, and he again fell asleep with absolutely no fussing after about five minutes. Pretty damned good. He's also had longer naps, so we're obviously progressing towards better sleep... it's just getting through the initial putting-down that is really testing me.

I think it's just one more way that this journey of raising twins has taken me away from the parenting style I always imagined having. That's not to say that I regret having twins, but there's just no way to form (at least there wasn't for me) in your mind a realistic expectation of attachment parenting for twins vs. a singleton. Even with all my childcare experience, I had no idea what it would be like, and just assumed that I could go on making decisions as I would have with one. Maybe if I had a husband in the picture, it would be different, but I'm not convinced of that, either.

I started off sleeping with the boys in my bed and loved it. It was so joyful, until it was just keeping us all up all night long. I never managed to tandem nurse with any success, and certainly not in bed. Today I'm having a king-sized bed delivered, but wonder if the boys will ever be able to sleep in it with me. Not that this is the absolute end of our journey with sleep, by any means... it just makes me sad to see how far from my ideal we've come. Attachment parenting isn't just where the boys sleep, nor is it about whether or how much they were nursed. It's a far broader concept, and although I don't limit my sense of my parenting style to one philosophy, I am probably closest to this one.

It's not all bad, by the way. During the day, the boys have become so full of life and personality that it's a lot of fun. We're doing a lot of laughing at their funny little antics, their sounds, their learning. Max is all about peek-a-boo, which Shoghi doesn't get in any way. He makes so many funny noises and laughs so easily... Little Mr. Social, he continues to be. Meanwhile, Shoghi is a little roly-poly, covering distance across the room. He's all physical activity: he does little baby sit-ups and crunches, he gets on his hands and knees and rocks back and forth, he rolls all over the place. It's a wonder to behond them, they are so different.

And so we continue... tonight I will not allow as much crying as last, knowing as I do my comfort level with it. Hopefully Max will move closer to figuring out how to calm and soothe himself for the initial to-bed lie-down. I'll keep you posted. Sorry if this post is all jumbled up - I'm pretty sleepy at the moment.

the new plan

I really should be sleeping. At least, I should be lying in bed, hoping for sleep. Tonight is the first night of my new sleep plan for the boys.

Sorry I went MIA for a while, there. To be honest, I've been a little down in the dumps about all of this, and felt like I didn't have anything interesting to say about it. I tried for a week to institute some changes, a week of fighting for naps. fighting for nighttime sleep, and really, I didn't get much of anywhere. The average number of hours didn't budge. I started managing to put the boys down awake some of the time, letting them drift off the rest of the way, but that was really it.

I spoke to our sleep coach earlier this week. I chose to have our consultation by phone to save some money, and she basically has a long intake, we make a plan, and then she offers email support week by week. Our plan is to focus on Max first, since he wakes less throughout the night. The plan is to teach him how to fall asleep in his crib, without being bounced on a yoga ball or given a binkie. I'm supposed to encourage him to suck his thumb for comfort. I was clear that I wouldn't be comfortable with letting them cry, but that I could tolerate some fussing. She was willing to work with my preferences... so I'm going a little more strongly than the No Cry Sleep Solution, but not as extreme as the method prescribed by Ferber. This afternoon and tonight, I managed to put him in his crib and sit with him while he fell asleep. It took about 20 minutes, and he did fuss and whine and cry a little, but I was with him the whole time, and I really do believe he can do this. I want this for him - to be able to soothe himself when I can't be there. To be able to do that so that if he really does wake up and need me, I can differentiate. Does that make sense? If not, I promise, it's because I'm operating on less than three hours of sleep, and it's almost 10:30pm.

What might prove to be harder than putting him down to sleep may be getting him to fall back to sleep without picking him up (unless he's really upset, of course) or giving him his binkie. I have to get up at least 10 times a night to give this little guy his pacifier, and he can't yet pick it up for himself... so he's got to learn another way of falling back to sleep. Part of me hopes he just sleeps until his feeding at 3 or 4, and the other part of me knows that we've got to learn this.

My sister has Shoghi in her room for the next few nights. I expect that we're all going to be hurtin' for several days as Max learns this new skill. Our doula-turned-babysitter is going on vacation, so we're going to work on Max, and then take a break, working on Shoghi more intently after E comes back. Meanwhile, I'll be using the gentler techniques with Shoghi to hopefully get him closer. He's going to be the really hard one, I just know it.

April posted a comment, asking for advice about her baby who wouldn't nap except for on her. Boy, that's a hard one. I haven't really had this problem, because my boys have never had the chance to get used to this. But I have to tell you, swaddling works wonders for us. I continue to swaddle the boys for all sleep except in the car, and that wrapped feeling allows me to put them down without waking them. I'd definitely try that. I also used a Kangaroo Korner fleece pouch to get them to sleep sometimes, and could often manage to keep them in the pouch but lift it off and keep them somewhat wrapped up. Maybe these strategies could help. If I think of anything else, I'll surely post about it.

I'd love to be able to take the time to share some of the things I've read with you. I've been doing a lot of skimming through parenting books of late, and boy, there's a lot of useless crap out there. A lot of information on stuff like ages and stages that doesn't give any strategy, or focuses mostly on the newborn stage. In fact, I haven't yet found a really good twin parenting book that doesn't seem to totally minimize the challenges. It would be fun to be able to take some time and write a good old essay about this... but I just don't have the time right now. I'm thinking, though, that I should find some way to write a book about surviving the first year with twins. Everyone says "just get through the first year and it will get better" but no one tells you how to do that. If you've come across anything, let me know. I'm dying for more help.

I might not be able to post about sleep updates every day... but I might. You never know. This is a very emotional journey for me, and I'm really worn out. Thanks for asking after us, though. It's a relief to know there are so many cheering us on.

Day 4, continued

I don't see much point in continuing to describe the play-by-play in our land of (not) sleep... I imagine everything is going to change tomorrow anyway. Yesterday (Day 4) was pretty good in terms of daytime sleep, but of course it still involved mid-nap bouncing and a 1.5 hour drive in the afternoon. Last night's sleep was completely disastrous. I pretty much lost my sh*t after being up with Shoghi from 10:30-12:45 and 2:15-4:45. Lucky for both of us, he finally fell asleep at 4:45 and slept in until a whopping 7:30. Of course, Max was up at 6:10, so it's not like I got to "sleep in" anyway.

This whole thing really challenges me to the core. I have written before about how I find the emotions of mothering alarming at times, and this issue seems particularly charged for me.

I was asked by email what led to deciding to work on sleep in this way. The simplest explanation is that the boys are each not hitting the 14 hours of sleep needed at this age. It's making Max very fussy, has meant that we have no discernible schedule, and leaves me full of anxiety every night. Basically, Shoghi's nights are a disaster, while Max's days are terrible. Fun for everyone, to be sure. That and the fact that mama needs to get some measure of sleep combined to make me desperate enough to pursue A Plan. If I just had one of them, I'm sure I could make it work, but with both of them, I'm at the end of my rope.

I've decided to go the route of the sleep consultant. I spoke with her for a free phone consultation this morning, describing our situation. I think her rates are pretty affordable, and while I won't have her come to the house, we'll talk on the phone tomorrow for probably over an hour, come up with a plan, and then she will provide me with daily email support as I implement our agreed upon plan. I assume there will be some thickening of my skin involved, for there is certain to be some fussing involved in whatever plan we come up with. She says she will work with me and my comfort level to choose from the range of sleep strategies. I like this - that she draws from everything that's out there. That's how I approach things, too... some aspects of this strategy, a little tool from that philosophy... creating something that will hopefully work for us. She warned me that with twins, it's likely to take more than a week.

So, I guess I'm probably going to abandon my posts about The Schedule, and after my consultation tomorrow, I'll start posting about the new plan. I'll let you know what we're trying and how it goes. Please keep up the encouragements. I take heart knowing that you're all reading and cheering me on... I love to see that there have even been readers from far-off places like Finland, Sweden, India and Morocco. I'd love to hear your take on sleep, and anything I might be missing.

The Schedule, Day 4

I'm off to sleep early tonight, so no big posty. I will write tomorrow morning after my chat with the sleep consultant! For now, here's a cute, cute photo of little Maxy taking his (5-minute) afternoon nap.

The Schedule, Day 3

Today was a day that would likely end this experiment for many people. Truth be told, if I hadn't made the "public" commitment here to see this through for a week, I might have thrown in the towel after today's failure to discern any progress. I will persist, though... I will call on my Finnish SISU and get through this week with tenacity of purpose.

I have seen no progress or change in sleep behavior of my darling babies. This is exhausting and I daresay a little demoralizing. Shoghi had three 30 minute naps today, while Max had two naps - one was 30 minutes, and the other was 90, but involved 20 minutes of bouncing mid-nap and I had to hold him for a half an hour to keep him asleep. Clearly, this is not sustainable. They were up several times during the night and woke for the day at 6.

Oh, and just now? A Pyrex baking dish just exploded in our oven. With unset brownie mix in it. So much for comfort food after a shitty few days, huh? sigh.