not so fast

i finally gave in and let m have a second nap at 3:30 after his 20-minute nap from 11:30-11:50.

Well, I don't know about this one nap thing. The boys are clearly not ready for it. I'd show you the pictures and video I took during our extremely LONG and WHINY day yesterday, but the tears and snot would probably gross you out, and the whining in the video might just split your eardrums. I'd probably lose my entire readership in one post.

too tired to even eat lunch at 11am, we resorted to bottles with some rice cereal added to fill up hungry, sleepy tummies.

So, yeah. Today we're back to two naps. The little guys were so exhausted from the change, which was expressed by Max in his verbal/emotional way (i.e. lots of crying and whining) and by Shoghi in his physical/kinetic way (i.e. lots of biting). I guess for now I'm just going to have to find a peaceful place in my heart about not having any time by myself during the day. I think it must be in there, but it's very, very small. I need time alone - I needed it before having children, and even more so now that I'm using every neural connection to try to succeed at finding my way in this phase of my life. In short order, I'm going to have to get brave and accept some of the childcare help that's been offered... if you and I are friends on facebook, you no doubt know what I mean, since most of my chatter about this subject gets directed there.

What that means is that Bamboo Village is taking over the downstairs. All kinds of things find their way into the boys' hands. Prototypes of new designs for the spring are lying in various states of production, and all flat surfaces seem to be gathering more and more layers of items to be packed, made into final products, photographed or put away. It's kind of crazy, but with the boys at my feet all day, what else can I do?

a ruler's not dangerous, right?
that was yesterday... just look at those tired eyes!

max today with his smart new haircut - behind him you can see one of my double happiness fish towels

Today I had to take the boys to get yet another haircut. All the food in the long hair is pretty gross. Turns out, today is exactly a month since their first haircuts. Max's hair is so thin, it probably won't need a trim for a while, but I had them cut Shoghi's hair extra short, since it grows so very fast.

To be honest, even though S looks adorable with his new do, I'm not so crazy about this truly boyish style. It just seems so tough somehow... too hard? Too mature? I don't know... for some reason, it brought forward a lot of thoughts and fears about having a rough and tumble boy... I am having such a hard time teaching Shoghi to be gentle - Max currently has three nasty bruises from Shoghi biting him. It'll grow on me, I know... there was just a little shock seeing him look so different today!

words, muscles, and messes

Here's another highlights post - happenings from the past week or so:

There's been a lot of fun and laughter around these parts as the boys play with each other more and more. I remember those days of wondering when Shoghi would even begin to smile - Max smiled so much earlier. Now Shoghi is our laughing, squealing boy, full of vivacious, high energy, while Max is full of good cheer, loves to be tickled, and giggles for his "bra-bra".

the twinnies received their first First Birthday gifts - hank knit sweaters from Auntie Knittah!
They have no idea how lucky they are!

Here's Shoghi looking rather cheeky...

***

Max's language skills are improving by the day.
He can say mama, no, more, brother, and done, and he signs hi and more!
Looks like Auntie might be the next word, just in time for her birthday...

Fun with Food!

I decided to let the boys have at it, and defrosted some raspberries and marionberries.
What a hit, but what a mess! Thankfully it was warm - after it was all said and done, I plopped them into the kiddie pool to get cleaned off.

Shoghi looking a little dazed...

Max definitely got more on his lap than in his mouth!

***
Finally, yesterday Max surprised me by pulling up to standing! Since he's not truly crawling, hasn't figured out how to push into a sitting position from his tummy, and wasn't doing the kind of acrobatics Shoghi was when he stood, I really didn't even see it coming!

and now for some photos

all from this week's shenanigans:

Shoghi adores his tongue, and will stick it out all day long. Here he is "eating" avocado.

He's become quite the little ham, and I'm not talking about his sense of humor! Look at the chunk on that babe! This is Shoghi's first sink bath.

Max, sweet boy. He was less sure about this bath, but it was infinitely better than his last bath in the bathtub, which totally freaked him out.
His favorite seems to be to sit in my mesh sling and come in the shower.

Max loves to stand and bounce, holding your fingers in his hands.

I love how both of them clasp their feet together. Here's Shoghi, in some beautiful longies from Devon, knit before they were even conceived.

Begin and end with that goofy tongue!

apnea countdown, continued

All day long, I agonized over my last post... I don't like to complain too much about my experience, and yet again, I'd like to paint a realistic picture of what this has been like for me, for us. I'd like to think that someday, I will be able to take what I've learned here and help someone else get through their own NICU circumstances. If that's a little too ambitious, then maybe more simply, I'd just like to be able to record my experience, for myself, for my boys, for my family and friends. That experience, like many others life brings, is shaped with so many facets of emotion and thought.

These days, I don't have much time to process, or to think out how to say things. I'm weary by the time I get home from the hospital at night, and if I use the computer at all, it's to quickly check email, then to edit photos, and lastly, to put up a blog post. Then of course I also have to pump for the boys, as soon as possible after I get home, then again before bed, and if I'm lucky enough to drag myself out of bed at 3 or 4 in the morning and again at 6. It's hard to get up and sit alone in a room with a breast pump in the wee hours of the morning... I'm assuring myself that while it will still be hard when the boys are home, their cries and hunger will leave me no choice, and so it will be in some way easier. At the very least, I will be interacting with my children, and not a bunch of plastic parts. You know what I mean.

As the boys have become more alert, I've been looking for some simple
black and white "toys" for them to look at. This morning, Laurie brought
over this beautiful mobile she made just for the boys.

max, enthralled.

Anyway, this leads me to my dilemma about my post from last night... and my perhaps dramatic way of requesting that people not remind me to see the silver lining. I don't necessarily have a clear thought about how I should have written it differently, but the alternative would have been for me to write nothing at all, and I'd rather be able to just put out an emotional plea that comes from a slightly irrational state.

Last night I didn't tell the whole story. The whole story would have included the part where I got to the hospital and was told that they both had had apnea spells, but there was no documentation of the spells except in the computer... and the artifacting from the heart and respiratory leads can look like a spell where none had actually occurred. In other words, the night nurse had made no notes of intervention, which is very, very unlikely in the case of an actual apnea event that would have lasted over 30 seconds. I never was able to get an answer as to what had happened or if the spells had been authentic, leading to some rather profound frustration at the idea that they might be spending extra time in the hospital when they could safely be home with me.

Today, Max & Shoghi had their carseat tolerance tests -
which sits them in their seats for 90 minutes to see if they
have any apnea spells at this angle.
Both boys passed, but Shoghi will go home in a car bed,
since he is too small for the carseat.

Today's request, then, is rather different... it's a request to simply be with me, with us, through this next phase of the countdown, without congratulations or too much excitement. Today, the doctor told me that, barring any issues, Shoghi and Maxwell will be coming home on Saturday. Now every hour is fraught with excitement and fear, all at once. Will I be buckling seatbelts on my little guys on Saturday, or sitting at their bedside again with a heavy heart? I tried to put my faith in them having grown out of their apnea, and went tonight for a last-minute run to get supplies... baby bottles, waterproof pads, sleepers, and more diapers. Me... shopping for these things for my babies, my boys, my sons. It makes my chest tighten with emotion just to say the words "my sons."

This part of the journey is one I haven't yet shared with many outside my immediate circle... this feeling of disbelief, this sense that, without having them with me physically, they are not actually my children. It is something that I can almost not touch with words, a feeling that is vague and sad and something like instinctual, and perhaps explains some of the pain of this separation we've had for the past month. Suffice to say, I have been holding my breath for 4 weeks now, waiting for the moment when I can take my babies into a room and close the door behind us, to lie with them and really look at them, to hold them and share the knowing that we are indeed a family.

Hopefully that sacred day is less than 36 hours away. Sit with me awhile, then, if you don't mind... wait and hope with me that when I write next, it will be with my beautiful sons, home at last.

Hapi Mail!

Last week, I received some very yummy mail!

First, a mother's day gift from sister... some lovely-smelling massage oil for the growing belly. I can't wait to use it! Thanks, Ri!

Then, I'd done a little splurging a week before, when I Googled "japanese baby clothes" in the hopes of finding some non-traditional baby duds for the boys, and I hit the jackpot! On page 2, I found the blog droolicious, where one of the entries introduced Westcoast Baby. I'm really tickled with the clothing; they've matched my expectations in person. I just love me some Asian style.... go figure.

wee knit kimonos for brandy-new babies.

light cotton for the 6-9mo old brothers

minkee -lined jacket

When I contacted them by email with some questions, the response was helpful and prompt. If you're ever looking for a unique and adorable baby gift, definitely check these guys out!

happy feet

Almost all the babies' things are packed, but yesterday I had a delightful visit with my closest friend, who gifted me some itsy-bitsy, teeny tiny, hand knit booties for the babies. Since I've been ordered to rest between 12 and 3pm daily, and today I'm feeling rather sleepless, I thought I'd show off some of the cute footwear the babies have already been given... in reverse order.


Here are the smallest baby booties ever seen by human eyes. They're about as long as my thumb, and will no doubt be the first footwear the twins will have on their feet.


Aren't they unbelievably sweet? They were made by "knittah", my super wonderful friend, knitting maven, and keeper of the blog "Travels with Swatchy." This isn't the first handmade item in my baby collection from her - she's worked her magic on yarn for me every time I've gotten pregnant, and though those little souls didn't make it earthside, the beautiful items will soon be put to good and loving use.


My mom's also been collecting little bits for babies for some time, now, and after I got my positive pregnancy test, she sent over these little chili pepper socks, which at the time looked so tiny, but in this line-up appear to be enormous! Being such avid Boston sports fans, I'm surprised it wasn't more along the line of Red Sox, but chili peppers remind me of my brother who lives in NM, and of course my beloved time in Sichuan, China. You can't start the kids too young on the spice, apparently! So cute!!

Finally, here are the first present these babies received - and from what I recall, it was before I even knew if the cycle was going to work. My sister ordered these completely irresistible dino booties from Etsy artist Baby Cakes Collection. I've been meaning to blog about them for a while now - they're really unique and fun!

It's hard to pack these guys away - they've been sitting on what ended up being my little altar for the babies since the beginning, along with the other talismans that have held hope and meaning during those rough first months.

It's fun to celebrate all these happy little treasures... although being pregnant has already been more demanding than I anticipated, I feel like I'm firmly in the second trimester, and the time has come to be happy. What better way to start than with some happy feet?