moments of preciousness

beautiful boy

this week they've both started descending stairs with no assistance... scary!

looking for sea lions with auntie

toddler interpretations of words in songs? very funny.

when you decide to follow their lead, you really just have to let go...

happenings

another set of crazy weeks, complete with household economic disaster, sick children and adults, lack of babysitters, and encounters with state agencies i never imagined as a part of my life. oh, and my camera is malfunctioning again, or it might just be the batteries are not charging properly... whatever the case, i haven't had the energy to get to the bottom of it. funny, but without a camera, it's harder to stop on by this old spot.

the boys are changing before my very eyes. even more than when they were tiny babies, now they are two (seriously, how did this happen?!?), and they are just exploding with change. i can assume that pretty soon they will be talking in ways i find more comprehensible, and we will only have as memories words like "baba-zur-zur" (bulldozer), "mo-cicle" (popcicle), and "beeping" (sleeping). they string together these amazing little sentences now: "i climbed up seat!" "i see a red motorcycle!" "no car. go a playground now." and i sense their babyhood falling away.

that's not to say i don't celebrate and relish their changes - i feel like i could dive into each one of them and float in my joy at their little personal triumphs. "i did it myself!" is a new favorite sentence this week, and i have to say, i feel their sense of accomplishment and feel wells of adoration. these little people learn and experience so much in such a precious short time! shoghi suddenly holds his fork, spoon, pens and paintbrush "properly," while max did pee-pee in a potty for the first time... shoghi has had such a fast leap in language skills since july - he's gone from single words all the way to 5 and 6 word sentences, while max has mastered the art of marching, jumping off furniture, and sings along with his favorite (barney, blech!) songs... it's really so incredible that suddenly our home is filled with this child energy.

but still... really for the first time, i have the sense of this major first chapter in their lives coming to a close. the baby years... i can barely type it... they are coming to an end. it's likely that they are going to be my only children, and while i am so happy and content (and overwhelmed, and stressed out) to have both of them, there is a little twinge of sadness along with it that i won't have the opportunity to have babies anymore.

let's be real, too... i think part of it is something that you might only understand if you have multiples, or if you are very close to someone who does... i think part of it is that there really is a loss as a mother/child unit, that i didn't get to have that quiet moment of time with each of my sons as babies. that time when there is just the one baby to focus on, even if there are other siblings already in the family. there's quite a shift that has to happen when mothering twins (or more) - your intentions for how you will attend to your child have to yield to the reality of caring for two children of the same age. there is definitely loss there for me. things i wish i had been able to do differently for each of my boys.

and while i'm talking about leaving these baby years, let me also say that suddenly i am also thinking - or at least feeling (because really, when do i have time to actually think these days) - the strange gulf that occurred for me (and for each of them?) during those long four weeks they spent in the NICU. it's still so hard for me to accept that this hospital was not set up to allow parents to stay there 24 hours a day... the fact that my fragile little babies were there without me - without anyone except the NICU staff - for hours each day.... ugh, i get a pit in my stomach just thinking about it. it's one thing that i actually do have regret about - that i wasn't there for all of it. that i didn't somehow find a way to be with them every moment of their first breaths, their cries, their certain bewilderment at how it felt to be removed from the warmth of my womb and placed on those hard beds, with masks on, air on their exposed skin, the billi-lights... ugh. it's horrible, and i desperately wish i had done differently, even though i did the best i could do at the time...

so anyway, here we are. summer is falling away into blessed autumn. the rains are returning, and the air is cooler. my life is about to change as i find a job, as the boys transition into 20 or more hours a week of day care. and my babies... my strong, fast, persistent, funny, cheeky, introspective, determined, lovely boys are stepping into themselves.

carve

We've been back in Oregon for over a week now, and that week was such a gift. My mom came back with us, giving me a whole lot of time to clean, find buried paperwork, move rooms around (Shoghi, Max, and I are all back to sharing one room), and work on new items for my next farmer's market appearance on 8/15.

Back in the spring, I discovered a new creative hobby - hand carving stamps for printing. I did three of them, beets, a pomegranate, and a pear.

one of my three original carvings - pear

After that initial burst of inspiration, my tools sat idle, despite the fact that I toted them around, even taking them with me to Massachusetts.

While Mom was here, though, I had some time alone (in a cafe while a flat tire was being repaired), and found my hands immediately knew just what to do. I made three new designs, just like that, and I am so pleased with them!

I got right to work printing, then redesigned my card backs and created new textile prints.

i found a zigzag stitch font to use on my card backs - love it!
i'm going to use this branding now "hand crafted" for everything i make - this is the umbrella brand under which 70s home and bamboo village press will fall.

i printed the apple and strawberry on fabric, then turned them into iron-ons for these infant/toddler shirts. i'll be carrying the patches, too, so folks can make their own.


strawberry!

i just finished this zucchini - i haven't printed it except this test print.

A boundless thanks to my mom (and my dad, who spent the week missing her). Now that I have some new images to work with, my booth is going to be all the better! The next 10 days are going to be filled with time at the sewing machine, working on produce bags, since I am all out!

a little update

"A-peeeeeeeeeee!" says Shoghi, pointing at the sky. Planes are such an object of fascination and discussion in his world lately.

Max has woken up from a deep sleep twice this week, sitting straight up and calling out: "Chickie!!" Ever since we went to our little buddy Lanny's second birthday party almost two months ago and saw their chickens, we have been subjected to endless chicken talk from Mr. Max. How I wish we could afford to put up a chicken coop in our yard this year - I think the boys would really love it.

Funny words this week:

Max
monkey: moogie
Shoghi: Shoggy (like soggy)
flowers: fwa-sis
Mama: Ma-mee
Elmo: Melmo
chicken: chickie
"ouchie" is also getting a lot of play this week...
"I go pee-pee" and "take a bath" were his first 3-word combinations that emerged this week.
what does the rooster say? "a-dicka-doo"

Here are Laurie, Max and me, prompting Max a bit - he had been playing this little game of 1) pour out water 2) stomp in water 3) say "oh no." It was too cute to let slip by without a video.



Shoghi
Elmo: ama
kitty: kidda or just "ca" for cat
juice: do
plane: pee
diaper: boo-boo
bird: boo
cereal: see-da
butterfly: fa-da (also the word for fly)
leaf: wee
turtle: doo-da

Here's Shoghi last week, naming animals with me:



I'm so glad I let them watch Signing Time... Shoghi's language development is so much harder to understand than Max's, but he's using a LOT of signs, and uses them to clarify his words for us. This week, he will just go through a litany of seemingly unrelated words: leaf, train, plane, auntie, orange, hair... he's really acquired so much new language in the past month, it's incredible. Still, he got a referral to see an audiologist, and I'm going to take him in at the end of April. He confuses the hearing of many similar words, like sky and cry, duck and dog. While that could be totally normal, I want to make sure. His hard vowel sounds are starting to emerge - "e" is his strongest vowel sound.

saying and signing "go"

I forgot to tell you all months ago that I did take Shoghi to Early Intervention... geez, it seems like forever ago. Was it all the way last fall?? I'm sure it was September or October. I was concerned at the time that he might have some sensory issues, and didn't realize that EI would just be evaluating for developmental delay, which wasn't a concern. So, he tested just fine. Truthfully, I am still watching him with a close eye. He is a kinesthetic learner, which has been clear to me since he was born, so it may simply be that the way he relates to the world is so different from the way I do. And it's not that I feel like anything is "wrong" - I just want to make sure I offer things to him in the best way possible.

Meanwhile, Max has turned into our latest biter, and unlike Shoghi's long, long stint of social biting when he was really a baby, this biting is aggressive. Max actually bites Shoghi specifically to get the adult's attention about half of the time, and the other half he's biting because he's angry or frustrated. We've been trying some very basic time-out strategies with no success. I'm going to keep on with it, though, because I know he understands. He looks at me and actually says "no biting"... little smartypants!

More later - we're justting back into shape after a week of sickness!

geek-you

Ah, the word of the week. Shoghi is suddenly babbling away, signing and saying so many new words. His only hard vowel sound is still "e"and he still says words mostly with consonants (like "ke-da" for kitty). We have yet to capture the joy on video, but let me assure you, it's been so delightful to experience this major shift. He now says "wa-da" for water, and "ba-ba-da" for bear... well, there are just so many!

Max continues his own path of development, and has now added verbs to the mix. "get it," eat sleep, drink, go, walk, jump... so many! He has started counting - for real counting - as well, and says thank you. He's started singing with some songs on Sesame Street... it's just so much fun. Some cute mispronunciations:

monkey: gookie or, suddenly today, moogie
turtle: too-a
banana: manna
egg: still weega-wee. still love it.
ouch: ouchies
have a good day: g'day!

Here's a video of Max saying thank you... most often, he says it without prompting, but you know, you gotta get these videos for the grandparents!!



Here's Max again... talking to the farm animals last month (he's saying "sleeping")



And hey, thanks for the menu ideas! I'm excited to try some of them in April!

universal translator

I need one of these. Remember? From Star Trek? I wonder if they work on toddlers.

Here are some of the words recently translated from Max's growing lexicon:

wee = eggs. Also, wee-digga-wee

gus = ducks

dwee = upstairs

some are more obvious:

waaa-da = water

fwo = frog

Sho-du = Shoghi

da-da-da (ad infinitum) = sing "What's the Name of that Song"

mo sa = some more

We also have many variations of "It's a..." "Is-a sun!" "Is-a tu-a!" (It's a turtle) "Is-a cats!" "Is-a twee!"

Max probably has about 300 interpretable words by now! But there's so much more endless babble that defies translation! It's really cute, squealy and delightful, this toddler talk!

outside!

The weather here has been so nice recently. After being bound to the inside walls of the house for about 6 weeks in November and December due to rain, we've been thrilled to open the back door again and let the boys loose on the yard.

A couple of days ago, Shoghi even pronounced his first word with two different syllables: outside. It was so exciting for him and us! He is also signing the same word in this video:

potty learning begins

I'm easing into the whole potty learning phase with the introduction of books, the occasional wearing of training pants, baby proofing the downstairs bathroom, allowing the boys to see their new potty, as well as drawing regular attention to their... elimination. I've always used proper body part names with them, and we use the words "pee" or "pee-pee" and "poop." I just talk about it in the context of changing diapers or them peeing on the fl0or if they're naked or wearing training pants. Unlike some of my friends, I don't make up silly song about poop. It's just not my style!

So, all I can say, having just received in the mail my new copies of Everyone Poops (My Body Science Series) and Once Upon a Potty -- Boy, is I don't think I'm ready for this.

"Just like you, Joshua has a body, and this body has many nice and useful parts..." (ok so far)

"A Pee-Pee for making Wee-Wee...." (oh, Lord... Wee-Wee???)

"A bottom for sitting and in it a little hole for making Poo-Poo." (oh, my.... "a little hole"?)

A Pee-Pee? Wee-Wee? Poo-Poo?

Why are they capitalized? Why are we using the word "Pee-Pee" for a p*enis?

Seriously? I'm such a prude. The pile of poop on the floor on Page 28? Gross! And while I'll admit Everyone Poops is pretty funny, it still grosses me out to see all the piles of turd on page after page!

Why on earth must so many books about potty learning involve the child putting the potty chair on their head??? How would they ever conceive of it being a hat without such a prompt?!?

I'm all about the books, though, so I'll put up with all this silliness in the name of getting these guys out of `diapers. They seem to be fascinated, anyway.

There you have it, my friends. Thus begins what will surely seem like a lifetime of potty talk and potty humor. I'll say it again:

I don't think I'm ready for this!

down to one

Hey, thanks for all the birthday wishes! It was such a lovely day, and your kind words went straight to my heart!

It's been such a hectic time here. Napping has been way off for both the little fellas, with Max showing clear signs that he just won't sleep for more than a combined 11-12 hours per 24 hours. My ability to get stuff done for Bamboo Village was seriously diminished by having many days in a row of absolutely no alone time as the boys were snoozing at different times, not to mention being able to achieve the basics of, oh, you know... minor things like washing diapers or cooking meals.

Finally I decided three days ago that it's time to switch from two naps a day to one... or at least try it and see what happens. It's unfortunate for little Shoghurt, or "sho-du" as Max calls him -- he's a very happy sleeper, and adores his morning and afternoon nods.


So far, it's going fairly well. Max still hasn't had a day of napping for more than 90 minutes, and is still waking up between 5 and 6am, much to my dismay. Today we made morning stops at two friend's homes, and by 11am when we got home for lunch, Shoghi just couldn't make it a second longer. Laurie and I laughed hysterical but sympathetic bursts while the little fella struggled to keep his eyes open... we tried jiggling him, feeding him, standing him up on his feet, but his eyes kept rolling, and finally he dropped off to dreamland while I was changing his diaper. It was so pathetically funny. I was very bummed that my camera was without batteries! It was super sweet.


So, now that our visits with family and friends are over until my parents come in February (we can hardly wait!), I'm trying to get the house back in order, pack some things for our upcoming move, keep these active boys entertained, and tend to my lovely Bamboo Village. I even managed to post over there today about some of the creative projects in the works, as well as some brief words on the challenges of doing this with the boys under foot.

dish

Toddler eating is getting to be a little crazy-making in our home. No, the throwing hasn't really begun (and please, Lord let it not!), but picky eaters? Spitting out food? Dropping loads of painstakingly-prepared food onto the floor? Oh, my yes.

The favorite food group by far is fruit. These boys would eat only fruit all day long if I let them. The canned peaches I put up are going fast, and the 20 pounds of blueberries we picked and froze are eaten up already. Next spring I am seriously going to have to invest in a chest freezer to put up many times more than what I did this year. Max signs peach, apple, pear, and grape with glee, squeals for berries and apricots, and tucks into whatever fruit I set before him with great enthusiasm.

Last week, zucchini sauteed in garlic was the only veggie I could get them to eat; this week, they won't have anything to do with it.  Last night I made a seriously fabulous sweet potato dish that they wouldn't touch. The most frustrating part is the whining and clingyness that descends upon our home after 4pm -- prime time for dinner making. Shoghi wants only to be in my arms - he has a great fascination with chopping, cooking, and the stove. When I put him down he cries bitter tears and bites my legs. I had to stop wearing him in the ergo last week when he bit my shoulder so hard I wondered if he was going to come away with a mouthful of flesh. That wasn't one of my prettiest mama moments, lemme tell ya.

So, after practicing mindfulness, patience, and measured breathing for the better part of an hour (or more) at the end of a long day, when we sit down to eat and they won't take more than 2 bites of whatever I have cooked, I find myself feeling rather grumpy. I crack open another jar of pears; I spoon out yet another bowl of yogurt. Goldfish, anyone? I remember reading recently that toddlers have gotten most of their calories already during the day, so dinner doesn't need to be too big, and I remind myself that dinner can actually be the smallest meal of the day... but then I put them to bed with anxieties of them waking up in the middle of the night, and so I beg them to take one bite more.

So, in the spirit of leaving these exploring, blossoming little beings who are developing opinions and preferences to their little devices, I thought we'd take a moment to share some yummies that the grown-ups will certainly enjoy. Let toddler have yogurt and fruit only... we have other things to eat!

First, I give you this cookbook: Feeding the Whole Family: Cooking with Whole Foods which I read about over the summer. I adore this book, from its lovely cover art, to its explanations of cooking whole grains, to its pages of inspiring recipes that I can't wait to try. I've made the maple nut granola so many times already - it's becoming a weekly activity. It is so good, it's worth getting the book just for that.

Second, I thought that you might appreciate the wonderfully delicious sweet potato dish I concocted last night, so here you have it:

Carmelized Sweet Potatoes with Pine Nuts

2 medium sweet potatoes, cubed
1 small onion, chopped
1T minced or grated ginger
dry rosemary
butter
olive oil
2T honey
1/4c pine nuts
salt and pepper to taste
parsley

Steam sweet potatoes in a basket steamer for approximately 10 minutes, or until fork tender, set aside.

While the sweet potatoes are steaming, carmelize the chopped or sliced onion in 1T of butter and 1T olive oil and a dash of salt. Cook over medium heat to slowly soften, then brown the onion. When onion is almost done, add a pinch of crushed, dry rosemary and ginger, continuing to sautee until onion is nicely done.

In a separate dry pan, roast pine nuts until light brown and fragrant. Set aside when done. 

Increase heat to medium-high, adding more oil if necessary to ensure that the sweet potatoes will be well-coated after adding. When the pan it hot, add sweet potatoes and then honey, turning to cover with oil/onion. Allow to cook slowly and brown, stirring every few minutes, adjusting heat as necessary.Salt and pepper to taste.

When there's a nice brown crust on the potatoes, add the pine nuts. Garnish with parsley if desired.

***
Let me know if you try it - I'd love to hear what you think! And if you have any toddler favorite recipes or tips, bring em on - I beg of you!

Bon apetit!

differentiation

When you have twins, you're gonna get questions. Starting when you're pregnant, people feel very comfortable stopping you to chat about your size, how you became pregnant with twins (does it run the family?), and how you're going to cope. After the babies arrive, the questions - and comments - continue.

Are they twins?
How do you do it?
A boy and a girl?
Oh, that's double trouble!
You must be really busy!

They stop me while shopping to chat, they ask personal questions about my pregnancy, the boys' conception, and make guesses about their personalities. They want the boys to smile, and wave, and say "hi." They guess at who is older, which I find ridiculous because they're basing their guess on the fact that Shoghi is bigger - as if being a minute older than your twin would contribute somehow to your size??

I try to use this as an opportunity to connect with people - to stop for a moment and breathe, and remind myself that in our busy society, most of the time we don't even look at each other, nevermind stop to chat with strangers. I want to model openness and patience to my children. I want them to learn to offer a friendly smile when people bend down to talk to them.

Sept 2009

Sometimes, though, the questions and comments are less welcome. When I am running to enter a restaurant in the pouring rain, with one toddler in a carrier tied to my front, and the other in my arms on my hip, with my bag falling off my shoulder and rain dripping down my face, it would be nice if they'd just offer to help - to get the door or even hold a baby - rather than smiling and offering a mere "you've got your hands full".

playing together at Oxbow Park

Starting this summer, some have begun to ask me how close in age the boys are. When I say "one minute apart," they stare at me blankly before I add "they're twins." "Really?" they balk. "Yes, twins. They're fraternal, so it's just like two brothers in a family - except that they developed at the same time." "Wow, they look so difffffffferent," they say, not in an altogether kind way. Now that they've got a year under their belts, and their teeny-tinyness is gone, Shoghi and Max are obviously different. Shoghi is much bigger - two weeks ago, he weighed nearly 25 pounds, while Max was just hitting 20. Shoghi is about 3" taller than his twin. Max has straight, reddish hair and brown eyes, and Shoghi's got sandy, wavy hair and gray eyes. Max wears a size smaller in clothes and shoes, and soon, diapers, too, as I'm afraid I'm going to have to buy size large cloth diapers for Shoghi in the next couple of months.

Forest Hills Park, September

But there's one more question I've been hearing a lot lately... and it's one that sits so strangely with me that even as people continue to ask, I continue to not know how to respond. Complete strangers ask me if Shoghi has Down's Syndrome. In fact, it's been happening enough that we'll be seeing his pediatrician to find out conclusively. You know, it's been quite a meditation for me. If he does have this chromosomal abnormality, he will still be exactly my same Shoghi. We will just know something different about him - albeit something that may have siginificant implications. My perception will have to shift, my expectations for how I will parent him may have to be altered. But in a way,that's just the life of a parent anyway - personalities, temperaments, learning abilities and styles, physical strengths and weaknesses... sicknesses and diagnoses; they all come with the territory.

But there's that part of me that's always hurt. Why are people asking me this? Even more - why do they think it's ok to ask me? Maybe it's the shape of his eyes. Our donor is Bolivian - maybe AmerIndian. Shoghi's eye shape has never seemed strange to me. In fact, he actually looks a lot like I did when I was his age. But still, having people ask me if my son has a possibly life-altering medical condition is - to say the least - uncomfortable. I hate that strangers make assumptions about my children, and while it's just a normal part of being a parent to discover that people do this, it has come as something of a shock. Why is it ok to ask something like that about a baby? Is it alright if I turn back to the same woman and ask if she is in menopause?

Shoghi

Just as I'm sure I'd have loved to have identical twins, I really adore the experience of having fraternal twins. It is an endless source of fun to have two such different children developing side by side. Whatever their similarities, whatever their differences, I am just so grateful to have them.

*top photo by Amy Crawford Photography

one small step for man, one big leap for a baby!

Today, 13 and a half months after his birth, little Shoghi took his first steps. Of course, they weren't for me --- he walked his first three, and then four steps for his babysitter. Good thing we love her!! He repeated this incredible feat for his mama and auntie this afternoon, much to our delight and urging. Forgive the video soundtrack - we were using a woodwind recorder to entice these precious steps out of him.



I love you, little man! I know you're going to love your new walking life, and it fills me with joy to watch you grow!!!

Looks like our ride with twins is about to get a whole lot more interesting!

recently speechless

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Posting, both here and on facebook, has felt like a chore - I've been so uninspired, despite the fact that a lot is going on! We've been so busy... perhaps it's just that. Anyway, sorry for being a bad blog-keep.

I'm in a big transition in my personal life, as I've mentioned before. Aside from the constant (and wonderful) evolution of my mama-life, I find myself unsure of my next step professionally. I started a business in the spring, and find myself not wanting to grow it much beyond where it is. Every few months, I get to work with a small group of amazing women entrepreneurs, sharing my knowledge of marketing and coaching them to become clear about their business values and core. This has been a real pleasure, but I thought I would grow this business into a small marketing firm, and now that feels very unappealing. Keeping the business at its current size won't support this family, though.

Maybe this is part of why I haven't been writing here - it's hard to have a professional online presence and then talk about aspects that I find unsatisfying. I'm afraid to come across in a way that would make my friends and clients think I'm not happy about working with them, which isn't true. I am also resistent to the tension between running a business for the love of the work and having to make a certain amount of money. I know other small business owners also struggle with this - wanting the work to be about passion and not about the bottom line. I have owned several micro-businesses in the past, but never had to rely on one as my sole source of income... and I have learned in the past few months that at this point in my life, that tension comes at the detriment of the work.

As a result, I've been working with my wonderful friend and life coach to get clear about what does feel good. Keeping the workshop going but teaching it as a service and as a little extra income feels like a choice with integrity for me. I've been looking at going back to school for a Master's degree, too, and if the finances look like they're going to work, I'll be going back to school in January for a degree that will allow me to teach English as a Second Language in colleges and private institutions both here and abroad. I'm not 100% about this decision yet, but it is evolving as the likely path.

I have found that blogging about life challenges on this particular blog has resulted in anonymous commenters admonishing me for complaining. I have written in other places before during huge transitions, and was amazed to find myself surrounded by support - some of the people who I "met" through that old blog are now my close friends. So to talk about the challenges of motherhood and life here - on a blog about single parenting - and find myself criticized... well, it kind of took the wind out of my sails. I believe in telling the truth - and I believe that it is through being real about the things that challenge us that we can truly connect with other people. I've never shied away from talking about the major tests in my life before, and I think that the story I am telling here for myself and for my children is best told with all the facets of experience intact.

So, there you have it. Hopefully getting it out there that I've been hitting up on this wall will help me break through and actually start writing again.

ta da!

One fun thing that's been going on, pretty much since the boys' birthday a few weeks ago is that they are imitating songs and finger plays. Laurie had taught Shoghi to clap a month or two before we left, and the boys were both starting to do the signs for more and milk, but now it seems like a giant leap in understanding has taken place.

signing "more" after his first ice cream cone during our visit to cape cod.

My mom, dad, and I sang songs with them quite a bit, and now they will make the hand motions for pat-a-cake, 5 little monkeys jumping on a bed, some of them from the wheels on the bus, peek-a-boo, and open, shut them. Max has mastered blowing kisses and making the "shhhhh" sound with his finger in front of his mouth.

"throw it in the oven for baby and me!"

We have a new DVD of some old Sesame Street songs, and Max has started actually singing - I kid you not - "ba-ba-bamba" and "quack-quack-qwamba"(only the ba and quacks!) to one of the songs. It is pretty much the cutest thing I have ever seen or heard.

This morning, Laurie was doing "ta-da!" with them, and I got these cute photos of Shoghi:



Today was a great day. I opened the back screen door and the boys went in and out of the house to the back yard for probably an hour or more. It seemed to prevent the stir-craziness that occurs here about twice a day. Our back yard isn't great - there are prickly plants in the "grass" so I have to keep them contained on the "patio" (which we call "the slab"). It started to rain and I just let them keep going:


To answer Jen's question from comments, I started giving the boys pasta when they probably each had 4 teeth. I cooked some rice pasta really soft and let them eat it with their hands. For a good month or two, I mostly fed them orzo or alphabet pasta if I wanted to give it to them. As of today, they both have 8 teeth - Shoghi has 4 front tops and bottoms, and Max has 4 top fronts, the bottom middle two, and newly the top two molars! I just stayed close and really observed them to see if they were ready for the pasta. Lately I've been giving them sauteed polenta - they really love it with marinara sauce (or pesto!). HTH!

working backward and looking forward

Well, well, well. We are back in Portland, and boy do I have a lot of catching up to do! I think I'm going to work in reverse to catch you all up.


So, first of all, jet lag and one-year-olds.... SUCKS!!! When we traveled from West to East, it worked out really, really well - a very early morning and a long day of travel actually resulted in a very short adjustment time for the boys. Of course, it was also nice to have them wake up at 8am instead of 5am! Coming back, though, has been really rough. By the time we left MA, the boys were regularly waking at 6am, so that meant that in Oregon they have been really thrown off. Keeping them up until 7pm has been pretty tough, because of course their little bodies still feel like it's 10pm! Just two days after arriving in Portland, though, Max is back to sleeping only 10 hours, the stubborn little guy, meaning that he was up and ready to go at 5am today. This is my ongoing struggle - putting them to bed at 8 is just too late. I need some down time, and evenings are long and hard as it is. But the fact that I cannot get Max to sleep for more than 10 hours just kills me every day!!

I think I'll put up a seperate post about flying with twin 1-year olds. It was an adventure both going to MA and returning. VERY different than flying with them last December. As with all things baby (especially twin babies), creativity, perserverence, and a sense of humor, even if dark, came in very handy.


We had the most wonderful visit, though. Four weeks of time with my parents, Memmae and Popi, meant that they got to experience lots of our routine and many new accomplishments on the part of both boys. They really bonded with them, and I can tell that part of the difficulty for them in settling back down at home has been separation from their grandparents.

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Getting back to Portland is fraught with meaning for me as a mama. The last month closed my first year as a mother, and also brought to an end the time I had set aside to be staying at home with the boys. Financially, I can't swing it anymore. We're losing our private health insurance this month, and I haven't been able to find the time to grow my business to the point where I'm making enough regular money. It's all ok - I have room to be flexible and deal with these changes and challenges, but it means that I am going to have to find reserves of energy, clear thought, frugality, and patience in deeper places than I have yet had to search.

the birth day mama and her boys

The next few months loom in front of me and seem to be a kind of proving ground for me as a single mother to my beautiful sons. I face the reality that I will be spending less and less time with them at a point in their development when they are learning, changing, and accomplishing new things every day. I will certainly miss many of their milestones in the moment of unfolding. I fear the sadness I will feel on days when I spend time with them only in the hardest hours of their day, and when I think of them growing more attached to other care givers, I feel both happy for their expanded world of people who love them and loss at having to share their precious daily hours with someone else.

When I was 21 and in my first marriage, I started trying to have children. Fifteen years, three relationships, countless pregnancy tests, 12 cities, three languages, a Bachelor's Degree, hours and hours of therapy, yoga, meditation, self-reflection, and a complete re-orientation of my life later, I am a mother. Everything in that list except becoming a mom seems now to just have been stepping stones - secondary to the drive and deep, consuming desire to be raising children. To say I wouldn't change a thing wouldn't be true - I don't think I have fully come to terms with all of the loss I endured over those long, heartbreaking years - but to finally be living my dream of having children is miracuous, and is the source of rivers and oceans of gratitude.

The next chapter to unfold is the one where I get to continue to co-create a family with the boys and - for now - my sister, and it's also the part where I get to dream up and realize the contribution I want to make through my career. I have just become aware of how I put aside getting clear about my vocation in my quest to be a mother - how exciting (and scary) that I can now begin to hone in on my talents, my strengths, and the unique way I can give back to this world through my work. I have walked in enough shoes, worked a great variety of jobs, and seen myself succeed in diverse situations to know that if I can just empty my mind of fear and expectation, I can and will discover my calling that is ready to emerge from within. It will be when I find that familiar excitement and joy that I will know I am on the right track.

And so we go on. I'll try in the upcoming posts to catch you up on the last month, and hope you'll share your own victories and inspirations with me as I knuckle down in the months to come. I'm glad to have this place to try to make sense of it all.

this and that

It's been a busier-than-average week here, since I didn't have my regular days to get stuff done with our nanny. She'll be back tomorrow, and then comes the few days of final prep before my mom flies out to help me travel back East with the boys. We'll be in MA from July 27-August 24, and can't wait to see lots and lots of our family and friends. Facebook has rekindled quite a few old friendships, and I'm excited to get together with these childhood friends while we're on the Cape.

The boys are into everything! We had to duct tape the corners of the stove drawer, and now they both crawl into it. Oy!

The weather here in Portland is quite variable - we had some days that were cool last week, so to keep things interesting, we brought the pool inside. Here they are, in the "not tub"


A rare nap during stroller time...


And I'll have to find and link the older posts that show photos of the boys at the door in various stages of development, but here's the most recent one, now that they are both standing. Notice how much taller Shoghi is than Maxwell!

waiting

I'm waiting for my new camera to arrive. It's funny how blogging (at least for me) is so dependent on having related content photos! I really hope this camera is a winner - I've bought and returned no less than four since January, and am a little sick of the search. I started with a DSLR, which I could not even remotely afford, and returned it - it was just too much camera for me to learn right now. Since then, I've tried a range of point and shoots, with various issues like shutter lag and poor picture quality, even for paying a pretty good price. My own camera's lens is failing, so I really want this one to be a good fit!

The love of books continues!

I feel rather news-less, even though a lot is happening. Here are some of the things we've been up to:

The boys are eating a lot of new foods - and many of them are truly solids now! When we went to our 9 month well baby visit, I had to fill out a questionnaire on things they are doing, and it asked about icking up cheerio's - I really hadn't thought they were ready for that, but I was excited to try. Well, they love it! It's been about 7 weeks since then, and the boys have really progressed using their fingers. Shoghi is a pro at bringing his bites to his mouth, while Max still kind of gets the food into his fist and squeezes it into his mouth. Still, they have such fun. I don't give them finger foods at every meal, but do let them use their hands to eat at least twice a day. Some of the recent foods introductions: bread with hummus, waffle bites dipped in yogurt, homemade mac and cheese with butternut squash, tomatoes (they eat off my plate so often, I just couldn't resist giving in to their please for lasagna!), cheese, and chicken bites.

Max now has SIX teeth! Four on the top that all came in a period of a couple of weeks, and the two middles on the bottom. Shoghi's got the two middles on both top and bottom, but just two days ago started some terrible teething - I think his incisors are on the move. It has been a very painful couple of days for the little guy!

He's also been biting for the past few weeks - shoulders, legs, and even your back or waist. All of the people who take care of him (me, Laurie and Emilia) have been bitten, and our firm "no"s and removing him from the scene of the bite hasn't helped. The biting is more frequent, and is now also happening immediately at the beginning (and consequently end) of every nursing session. With the exception of last night at 2am, we haven't nursed in four days. I got some new strategies to deal with the biting in the last day, so I'm hopeful it will help. He bit Max today for the first time, hard. It's not aggression - at least it doesn't seem that way. It's like he needs some kind of oral stimulation... today, giving him a frozen washcloth seemed to really satisfy him. Poor little guy - I don't want to be giving him so much scolding! As I said - I've got some new things to try, so we'll see how it goes. Any been-there-done-that stories would be well appreciated!

Max's language skills are taking the normal cyclical learning route. He no longer says "mama," and even "bra-bra" for brother has regressed a little to "bra." As one would expect, though, as we see these words fade, new sounds and likely candidates for words have emerged. We're hearing the hard "e" sound more and more as he tries to say "Auntie" and today we heard a lot of "s" - it seems he's trying to say "shoghi"! He still signs "more" and has added "milk" and "eat" to his repertoire.

Shoghi continues to excel in his physical abilities. He's standing and taking steps while holding onto things, and doing a lot of climbing. Last night at Korin's he climbed two steps, and he climbs up on the laundry basket while it's tipped over, and then down the other side. He loves it and smiles all the while.

exploring the underside of a desk recently relocated into the living room.

words, muscles, and messes

Here's another highlights post - happenings from the past week or so:

There's been a lot of fun and laughter around these parts as the boys play with each other more and more. I remember those days of wondering when Shoghi would even begin to smile - Max smiled so much earlier. Now Shoghi is our laughing, squealing boy, full of vivacious, high energy, while Max is full of good cheer, loves to be tickled, and giggles for his "bra-bra".

the twinnies received their first First Birthday gifts - hank knit sweaters from Auntie Knittah!
They have no idea how lucky they are!

Here's Shoghi looking rather cheeky...

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Max's language skills are improving by the day.
He can say mama, no, more, brother, and done, and he signs hi and more!
Looks like Auntie might be the next word, just in time for her birthday...

Fun with Food!

I decided to let the boys have at it, and defrosted some raspberries and marionberries.
What a hit, but what a mess! Thankfully it was warm - after it was all said and done, I plopped them into the kiddie pool to get cleaned off.

Shoghi looking a little dazed...

Max definitely got more on his lap than in his mouth!

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Finally, yesterday Max surprised me by pulling up to standing! Since he's not truly crawling, hasn't figured out how to push into a sitting position from his tummy, and wasn't doing the kind of acrobatics Shoghi was when he stood, I really didn't even see it coming!