evolution

This morning I sat down and read this article about when bloggers disappear. I have thought often about my little blog orphan here, and this article gave me the kick in the pants I needed to come back and check in.

The truth is, over a year ago when the boys turned two, I fell. The load I'd been carrying tumbled out of my grasp, and things simply became bad. I was depressed, angry, and unable to reach out for the things I would normally do to support myself, because I was in financially dire straights. I was embarrassed, and frankly, I felt no ability to account for my days, my choices, or even my thoughts. Ah, depression, my ugly old friend. I tried a few times to give myself prompts and other kinds of inspiration, but this particular story of hope and accomplishment and dreams realized just felt over.

It's funny that my last post was in April... as it turns out, it was the dark before the dawn. I met someone, and we quickly joined our forces together, and the tide of living life, raising kids, and forming a whole new parenting unit - consisting of me, my sister, and now Ted - swept us away. To add to that monumental change, we also had to move house, Max and Shoghi started school, Shoghi's evaluations for sensory processing disorder/ ADHD/ autism continued, Ted moved in with us, and if that all wasn't enough, last month my brother suffered a catastrophic injury to his heart, and after almost three weeks of being by his side in the cardiothoracic ICU, he died. Thirty-four years old. My brother. Dead. It's still unbelievable.

So, there's the catch-up. This whole arc of change simply paralyzed me and swept my voice away.

Now 1+2 as a title doesn't seem right anymore. We've gone from 3 to 5, we have such a huge community of friends, we now live in a co-housing community, and a myriad of other things are different. Finding Ted, and really finding so much of myself before him, propelled me into a new level of clarity about my path - and I am learning that living in integrity with my true wants, talents, and spirit is actually possible. In that spirit, I have started writing a new blog: a certainty of place. Now that I've touched down here again and made peace with the changes that came, maybe I'll come here to write more specifically about parenting, twins, household.... but I think we'll have to just see what comes.

For now, we can meet here and on certainty, and I hope you'll fill me in on your own changes and stories. I'd love to reconnect.

links:

my brother's facebook page, supporting simon

my sister's blog: lifecrafted

a certainty of place

sandwich marina playground

If there's one thing I know about being a mom of twin toddlers, it's that you have to keep busy, even on vacation. My imaginings of our trip home being chock full of restful hours were pure folly. Every morning, we know we need to pack up and get out of the house by 8/8:30, or face a morning of whining, biting, and general unhappiness for all. Our day starts early (a ghastly 5:30am since we got here), so nap time starts at 11/11:30. By 2:30, we're ready to head out again, and rediscovering the gorgeous beach on Wakeby Lake in the woods of the Mashpee Holly Reservation, we usually head there for a swim in the afternoons. Mornings, then, have been reserved for playgrounds and errands.

We decided to take a drive to Sandwich on Friday for some good morning fun with Uncle Simon, and thought we'd take the boys to the Cape Cod Canal to check out some boats. Instead, we took a wrong turn and ended up at the Sandwich Marina, where we had some surprise delightful fun at their beautiful nautical-themed playground. If you're looking for a quiet spot to play, Cape Cod views, and a playground that is fun for all ages, you should check this place out.


I found this to be an especially good place for toddlers, since there were so many options for play, exploration, heights, and level of daring. There are attractions for older kids, too, with a working periscope in the big climbing apparatus. It's also fenced and right by the water, so there was a nice breeze. I imagine it gets busier (and hotter) as the day draws on, but at 9am, it was perfect.

playground happiness

I can't help it - there were just too many good pictures from yesterday's two playground excursions to share only one. I can't get over how big my boys are getting, and then again, there are moments when I look at their miniature bodies and awe at their small fragility. This age of discovery is so miraculous (and exhausting)! We went morning and evening to Mashpee Heritage Park yesterday, and enjoyed ourselves thoroughly on the Tiger Long Memorial Playground, named for a boy I grew up with and who was killed serving (I believe) in Iraq in the 90s.

max "kwimin' teps"

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dum ditty dum

An unexpected new favorite pastime since arriving at Memmae and Popi's house is drumming. Memmae got a little tykes snare drum for them last summer, and just found a second one before we arrived. A few days ago, my dad put on a DVD of a Paul Simon tribute concert, and Max especially was awe-struck. He sat for the entire thing, completely mesmerized. Then they brought out the drums, and now it's what they ask for all day long! "Drum?" "Drum sisik? (drum music)" They smile so much, and have so much fun playing their little drums. I'm thinking a natural drumming "class" might be fun for the fall!!

vacation land

a dip in wakeby lake, mashpee

Well, since Auntie Laurie just posted a little about our travel to MA, I figure I should follow suit and check in a little bit! Here's her post.

First, the flight... I still have to take photos, but I did quite a bit of handmade prep for the trip: a drawstring backpack for each boy, containing a bunch of new playthings. We also brought the portable DVD player. They seemed to play with everything, but nothing held their attention for long, and by halfway through the flight, we'd gone through everything multiple times, and the only way we survived the rest was by walking the aisles, watching movies, and practicing patience, as neither of the toddlers napped. It was a long flight.

bedraggled by the last hour of flying...

Since we got here, we've been making daily trips to the lake, discovering the trove of toys Memmae brought home from her preschool and found at yard sales, and generally enjoying the admiring presence of the grandparents.

an attempt to beat the scorching, humid heat with a walk in the woods with memmae turned into a spontaneous skinny dip in the lake for the children, and rolled up pant legs for the grown-ups...

There's nothing quite like family and friends who really love your children to get you to tune in extra carefully to just how awesome your offspring are.

grandfather and grandson

grandpa love

Last week we enjoyed a visit with my parents, who flew out from Massachusetts to see the boys. We hadn't been together since the summer, and you know, six months is a long time in the life of babies/toddlers. We were all touched and delighted that the boys knew who they were immediately. They loved every second of their time with Memmae and Popi, and we miss them terribly now that they've flown back home.

Strangely, I didn't get many pictures, but just had to start by sharing these gems of the boys with their grandpa. He wasn't feeling great, but he rallied his spirits and showed his grandsons just how much he loves them.

Memere's Oatmeal Bread

The theme for February's NaBloPoMo is "ties." I'm not sure if 1) I'll manage to post every day, or 2) make every post reflect this theme, but I'm going to give it a try again. It seems fitting that just yesterday I made my great-grandmother's oatmeal bread recipe for the first time. You know how I love to bake family bread recipes!

This generation has brought about major changes in the way our family connects. For several generations before, family on my mother's side lived in tight community - my mother grew up with her paternal grandparents living upstairs in a typical Massachusetts "double decker," her maternal grandparents only a few blocks away. While some of her siblings have moved out of state (to New Mexico and New York), three of the five have kept their families close by.

We grew up living just two hours away from all of our grandparents and most of our relatives. We saw them fairly often, and got to know our uncles and aunts and to some extent our cousins. We spent our childhood with four living grandparents and three living great-grandparents. What a blessing!

Memere was my mother's maternal grandmother. Thinking about her now, I realize I don't actually know a lot about her life. Named Edna, I know she was part Irish, but she was French-Canadian through-and-through, preferring to speak French. She lived to be well over 100 years old, though I didn't see her after she fell ill in her late 90s. I remember her to knit for us every Christmas, and recall her always in the kitchen - a petite elderly woman chattering away with my grandma in French. Was it Mem who made the poutins that became the stuff of family legend? Was it her mince meat pie that always appeared at holiday meals? Was this bread recipe passed down to her? I just don't remember. The next time I visit Grandma, I'll have to learn more about her mother.

my grandma (Mem's daughter) with Shoghi last summer

I got this recipe from my mom ages ago, and it was very easy to put together. When it came out of the oven, I actually didn't like the molasses fragrance, but I cut into the hearty bread this morning, toasted it, and ate it with butter and my raspberry jam, and wow... I think I have a new favorite bread. Earthy, mildly sweet, a smooth, dense texture - this oatmeal bread is fabulous. I hope Mem feels the love from a couple generations down today, and knows she's missed and loved. Five generations so far have been nourished by this yummy bread.


Memere's Oatmeal Bread

1c quick-cooking oats
2c scalded milk
1 pkg active dry yeast
4-6c flour
1/2c molasses
2t salt
1/4t ginger

Place oats in large bowl, cover with scalded milk and allow to cool to lukewarm. Soften yeast in 1/2c warm water and 1t sugar. Stir in molasses, salt and ginger to yeast mixture, and add to oat mix. Stir in 4 1/2 cups of flour and knead for five minutes, adding more flour as necessary to make a firm, slightly sticky dough.

Place in oiled bowl and cover with a warm, damp towel. Allow to rise to double (I preheat the oven to 170* and then turn it off. This decreases the rise time if your house is cool). Punch down and divide into two. Bake in a greased bread pan at 350* for 40-50 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.

Cool on a wire rack and serve warm with salted butter and homemade jam!

weekend contrast

Back when I was first really learning about the law of attraction, I learned about contrast. That is, I learned that sometimes the things that are resonating as DON'T WANTs are there to provide you the contrast to see what you DO want. You might have a dishwasher you hate. Either you can focus your attention in a negative way on the situation, saying over and over "I hate this stupid dishwasher," or you can choose to create an alternative in your head, so you might say instead, "Wow, this is dishwasher of my dreams!" even as you are loading an unloading the current one. You're not denying that you have a crappy dishwasher, but you're focusing instead on the dishwasher you wish to have. What you're going for is to elicit the emotion you wish to have in relation to your dishwasher (or whatever). Does that make sense? It's a little Depression Era psychology, perhaps... a little trick of the mind.

Weekends are a particularly contrast-ful for me. My sister who lives with me and the boys works on the weekend days, and most of my friends here spend family time on the weekend, doing chores around the house, spending time together, going on outings. This leaves me by myself with the boys most of the time. I often find myself throwing a little weekend pity party out of loneliness and the wish that I had someone I was sharing this with.

It's just not how I ever imagined I'd be raising children. Having been married before, I had every expectation that I would be hanging around in my pajamas with my hubby and kids, drinking hot coffee, eating a warm breakfast, shuffling around the house on Sundays (at least sometimes). It's the feeling I liked to cultivate when I was married, and it's the resonant memory of my childhood home. Instead, it's just another day, and if the boys are particularly whiny or bored, it makes me all the more grumpy that there isn't anyone else who can just take over as their parent for a moment.

I guess it would be different (jeez, soooo different) if I was working, and the only long days I had together with the boys were on the weekend. It surely will soon come to pass that this becomes our rhythm, and realizing this gave me pause.

As I was driving today, I was thinking about all of this, and I remembered someone's recent facebook (or was it on mothering?) comment where they were remarking how we often don't see a milestone until it's past. It made me think that these long days of babbling, whining, playing, toddling, and diapers are indeed fleeting, and that there are things I will miss when they've moved onto other things which will, no doubt, bring me equal amounts of delight and frustration. It's just life, and time, and we don't get to do this again, no matter how tired or bored or lonely the mama feels.

Maybe I'll try to think up something special (and free) that we can do every weekend. Since a relaxing day with a life partner isn't happening right now, I should think of a way to give to the boys in a fun and memorable way. I need to set the stage for the emotion I desire.

In the end, all these months of weekend loneliness have brought me to this place. It's provided me with contrast, showing me what I ultimately wish for --- the relaxed, homey feeling of my childhood Sundays. My task now is to figure out how to make it happen - to create the emotion I wish for, rather than dwell on the feeling of lack.

Tell me, what are your happy weekend routines and traditions? Have you ever blogged about it? Let's hear your ideas!

Happy ThanksBirthday!

Being a late November baby as I am, my birthday always falls on Thanksgiving weekend. I wish I could find the card Laurie made for me when she was about seven years old - complete with a happy birthday girl, a turkey, and a mash-up name for a Thanksgiving birthday. I still have it somewhere... if I find it soon, I'll add it to the post.

Anyway, in spite of the stress I'm carrying around under the surface as mentioned in my last post, I do always feel like I am living my dream. The "problems" I have to solve these days are all a result of choosing this life, and despite the uncertainty and inner turmoil, I am grateful to have the opportunity to work through this all and come up with the next plan.

Thanks for Photos and for Family

Last month I told you we were going out to have a photo session and never came back to it. Well, we recently got our photos, and my friends, they do not disappoint. I can't tell you how special it is for Laurie and I to be captured playing with (read: chasing) the boys. I am filled with such deep emotion seeing the four of us together - you never know how close you will end up to your siblings, and let me tell you, I couldn't even dream up a better sister. To have her with us, to be a part of her developing career as an illustrator (can we say major new wholesale accounts??), to have someone to share the daily joys, laughter, exhaustion, and discovery of my miraculous children with... it is all a gift beyond measure. I know I go on and on about her, but really - how lucky are we? Soooooooooooooooooo lucky!!

up and down the stairs at Portland's Downtown Library
Photo by Nicole Renae

Nicole, our truly lovely friend and photographer, wrote about our session here, and has given me permission to share her photos online. If you're in Portland and want to meet both a fabulous lady and a gifted photographer, give Nicole a call. She's terrific. Here's a flickr set with some additional photos that aren't in either this post or in Nicole's.

reading is fundamental!

we thought the children's room at the library would be a great fit, given our family's culture of loving books.
Photo by Nicole Renae

Auntie and Shoghi signing "bird"
Photo by Nicole Renae

There is such an abundance of things that move me to send my deep thanks up to the heavens: my incredibly supportive parents and brother (and Whitney!), Korin and my amazing community of friends both in Portland and spread out across the country and world, this beautiful place we live... the list is continuously flowing. Thanks to you and all of this goodness from my heart and soul - 36 was a great year. May 37 (for me) bring us all light upon light, joy upon joy. Thanks for being a part of our journey.

brother!

My little brother is in town! Simon and Whitney came in last night and we've been having such a lovely time visiting, playing and eating! Just for my parents, I wanted to share some of the photos from today. I finally broke down and abandoned my search for the perfect camera - after purchasing 5 new ones, I found my good old FujiFilm E900 on ebay last week. Laurie busted it out today at the park, and the difference really shows.

Shoghi warming up to Uncle Simon.
It took a while, but now he's completely enthralled.

Whitney and Max on the see-saw...

a sweet uncle/nephew moment

working backward and looking forward

Well, well, well. We are back in Portland, and boy do I have a lot of catching up to do! I think I'm going to work in reverse to catch you all up.


So, first of all, jet lag and one-year-olds.... SUCKS!!! When we traveled from West to East, it worked out really, really well - a very early morning and a long day of travel actually resulted in a very short adjustment time for the boys. Of course, it was also nice to have them wake up at 8am instead of 5am! Coming back, though, has been really rough. By the time we left MA, the boys were regularly waking at 6am, so that meant that in Oregon they have been really thrown off. Keeping them up until 7pm has been pretty tough, because of course their little bodies still feel like it's 10pm! Just two days after arriving in Portland, though, Max is back to sleeping only 10 hours, the stubborn little guy, meaning that he was up and ready to go at 5am today. This is my ongoing struggle - putting them to bed at 8 is just too late. I need some down time, and evenings are long and hard as it is. But the fact that I cannot get Max to sleep for more than 10 hours just kills me every day!!

I think I'll put up a seperate post about flying with twin 1-year olds. It was an adventure both going to MA and returning. VERY different than flying with them last December. As with all things baby (especially twin babies), creativity, perserverence, and a sense of humor, even if dark, came in very handy.


We had the most wonderful visit, though. Four weeks of time with my parents, Memmae and Popi, meant that they got to experience lots of our routine and many new accomplishments on the part of both boys. They really bonded with them, and I can tell that part of the difficulty for them in settling back down at home has been separation from their grandparents.

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Getting back to Portland is fraught with meaning for me as a mama. The last month closed my first year as a mother, and also brought to an end the time I had set aside to be staying at home with the boys. Financially, I can't swing it anymore. We're losing our private health insurance this month, and I haven't been able to find the time to grow my business to the point where I'm making enough regular money. It's all ok - I have room to be flexible and deal with these changes and challenges, but it means that I am going to have to find reserves of energy, clear thought, frugality, and patience in deeper places than I have yet had to search.

the birth day mama and her boys

The next few months loom in front of me and seem to be a kind of proving ground for me as a single mother to my beautiful sons. I face the reality that I will be spending less and less time with them at a point in their development when they are learning, changing, and accomplishing new things every day. I will certainly miss many of their milestones in the moment of unfolding. I fear the sadness I will feel on days when I spend time with them only in the hardest hours of their day, and when I think of them growing more attached to other care givers, I feel both happy for their expanded world of people who love them and loss at having to share their precious daily hours with someone else.

When I was 21 and in my first marriage, I started trying to have children. Fifteen years, three relationships, countless pregnancy tests, 12 cities, three languages, a Bachelor's Degree, hours and hours of therapy, yoga, meditation, self-reflection, and a complete re-orientation of my life later, I am a mother. Everything in that list except becoming a mom seems now to just have been stepping stones - secondary to the drive and deep, consuming desire to be raising children. To say I wouldn't change a thing wouldn't be true - I don't think I have fully come to terms with all of the loss I endured over those long, heartbreaking years - but to finally be living my dream of having children is miracuous, and is the source of rivers and oceans of gratitude.

The next chapter to unfold is the one where I get to continue to co-create a family with the boys and - for now - my sister, and it's also the part where I get to dream up and realize the contribution I want to make through my career. I have just become aware of how I put aside getting clear about my vocation in my quest to be a mother - how exciting (and scary) that I can now begin to hone in on my talents, my strengths, and the unique way I can give back to this world through my work. I have walked in enough shoes, worked a great variety of jobs, and seen myself succeed in diverse situations to know that if I can just empty my mind of fear and expectation, I can and will discover my calling that is ready to emerge from within. It will be when I find that familiar excitement and joy that I will know I am on the right track.

And so we go on. I'll try in the upcoming posts to catch you up on the last month, and hope you'll share your own victories and inspirations with me as I knuckle down in the months to come. I'm glad to have this place to try to make sense of it all.

family outing

Yesterday we all went over to the Japanese Garden here in Portland. It was beautiful in its springtime glory. They were also having a paper festival, which was very cool. We visited there last time, too, in October when the whole family was here. We thought we might go to Multnomah Falls, but in the end, the allure of early blossoms and mossy bonsais won.

The boys were only 10 weeks old when my parents and brother were last here, so they spent the whole trip to the garden wrapped up in pouches, sleeping. I'm guessing they were still less than 8 pounds at the time! Just look at how tiny they were:

shoghi drinking his bottle at the garden with Memmae.
look at how big that hat was - it barely fits now!

sleepy, sleepy babies

On this visit, of course, we had two entirely different babies. How can "baby" even apply to them at both of these times? Now they are interactive, smiling, playing, moving creatures who express what they want (and don't want)! Our visit to the garden was so nice - and we got a bunch of great photos to prove it. We had to ditch the stroller when it kept getting stuck in the gravel, and boy, who can live without a good baby carrier? We only had the meitai with us, so Laurie carried Shoghi on her back while I hefted Max in my arms. He may be the lighter one right now (maybe 17.5 lbs?) but jeez, he felt so heavy!

shoghi checking out the blossoms

max playing with memmae and popi

shoghi in the meitai

max having a little snuggle with mama

Last night we had to say goodbye to my parents, which was heart breaking for all of us who are no longer babies. They're flying back home at dawn tomorrow, across the 3,000 miles that separate our homes. As a child, I remember quite vividly always being at the door, tears streaming as I watched my grandparents pull away after a visit, and now I find myself in a similar position as I watch my sons' grandparents leave. The quality of relationship they bring to us all is unmatched, and more unique and precious than I imagined. I just love the feeling of being together, and sometimes I wonder how it is that I didn't know what I was giving up by moving so far away while I was pregnant. I can't imagine living in Massachusetts, but I also feel full of grief at not being closer to the majority of my family. How things have changed that we are all so spread out now, with me and my sister out here in Oregon, our brother, uncle and aunt in New Mexico, and the rest of our family in Massachusetts and New York (aside from cousins, of course). I wish I could just gather up everyone I love into one place to share this life with.

look at how unbelievably big shoghi looks on his grandfather's lap!
how did this happen???

Anyway, it was a perfect visit. I loved having my parents here and watching them with the boys. It will be a long three months before we head back East to spend a month with them, but we can't wait. Mom and Dad flew out this morning, and we all miss them already.

auntie laurie took this photo of the 5 of us
on the bridge at the japanese garden.

this week

we just had a stretch of fantastic, beautiful weather here in the pnw, and during this unseasonal loveliness, my parents arrived all the way from massachusetts for a visit. the boys also have terrible colds, making this our 8th week straight of sickness in the house, so these two factors go a long way to explain my recent blog silence.

thier first experience of grass/clover

s and his grandfather

m getting a big snuggle from his memere.

another monday sum-up

here we are at monday again... this is our last few days on the east coast with my parents. auntie laurie flew out and made it safely here to snuggle her (enormous) nephews, and since then we've been paying visits to our grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends, visiting with our folks, and planing our post-return-to-portland life.

max and shoghi, napping at great-grandma & grandpa's house. as with all babies, sleep is the topic of much discussion over here. so far, the boys continue to sleep first at night in their carseats, which i instituted because they (used to) hate being in the car. (fortunately, this has changed, and they now take much better to being put in the car for both short and long rides.) then when they wake, i transfer them into bed with me. this visit has brought no shortage of people telling me horror stories about babies dying in a shared bed, and at the same time, the boys are starting to move and roll a little. what am i going to do when we get home? i'm not sure. i'm considering cribs, which i thought i might get away without. i'd like to be getting better sleep, though, and i'd also like to see shoghi sleeping a little more deeply at night. similarly, it would be good to have somewhere other than their carseats to nap them during the day. we have a really nice twin graco pack and play, but i think they might have just weighted out of it, since they weigh 15 (shoghi) and 16 (max) pounds now, and i believe the weight limit is 30#. anyway, i clearly have some big decisions to make. i'd love to hear some feedback from co-sleeping families, as well as those who have decided to put their twins in seperate cribs.

my dad, multi-tasking with the boys.

i have to admit, the prospect of being apart from my dad during the day, and my parents in general, has me a little nervous! i've had so much help with the boys, since they were born, really, and now is the time when i will be taking over full care of them. laurie doesn't usually get home from work until 8, and of course then she's exhausted (not to mention the babies had better be asleep by then!), so i don't want to be relying on her for so much assistance. this next stage in my life as a solo parent is really going to be interesting...
hopefully it will not be the test i am fearful of.

shoghi and max have both learned not only how to grasp,
but how to transfer from hand to hand and lift objects to their mouths.

this week, max has mastered the kissy noise, and shoghi is spending much of his awake time trying to blow raspberries and make other souds with his lips and tongue.
this involves a lot of drool, and laughter on the part of the observers.

shoghi has had such a great week, with lots and lots of happy, exuberant awake time. he rolls around, squealing and sticking out his tongue. it's very funny and delightful! poor max, on the other hand, seems to be having a harder week. he's been more fussy than usual, and has been spitting up a lot. then again, during the day, max only naps for about 30 minutes at a time, while shoghi goes down for beautiful 1-2 hour naps.

shoghi has taken to holding his own bottle, a very bitter sweet thing for me. although it's helpful, i don't know if i'm ready for my baby to hold his own bottle. as you know, the very fact of giving them bottles is full of emotion for me. my amount of nursing has definitely decreased over this trip. interestingly, i stoped taking the herbs and am now only on motilium (domperidone), and feel like my supply has actually responded positively to this change. when i can pump, i'm getting about 2-3oz at a time. i'm hoping being alone with the boys and not having to isolate myself will mean that i can pump more. i might also start making my own formula. i'm just so sad that i've had to give them so, so much formula over these past nearly six (!!!) months.

the latest, possibly hare-brained, idea i've had is that perhaps getting the boys to eat some rice cereal and progress to solids may mean that i have to give them fewer bottles, and thus will be able to give them a higher percentage of nursing time to bottle feedings. this combined with their great interest and reaching for food lately lead me to introduce them to their first food - organic brown rice cereal (mixed with some probiotics, thanks korin!) last friday night. they both took to it well, and shoghi really seems to love it! last night he ate the whole 2-oz bowl! the photos are on my mom's camera, so i'll try to get those uploaded tonight. we'll see!

so, that's been our week. i can't believe we're about to head back home; it fills me with such mixed emotions. these boys have really transformed my relationship with my parents and larger family, and i can't help but feel terrible about being so far from them. on the other hand, my life in portland is even better than i had dreamed, and i can't wait to get back and really start shaping my daily life with the boys. that's it for now - i'll try to get some more photos up before we leave, and then it will probably be a while before my next post, since i have to get a new computer in order to do so.

love to all!