evolution

This morning I sat down and read this article about when bloggers disappear. I have thought often about my little blog orphan here, and this article gave me the kick in the pants I needed to come back and check in.

The truth is, over a year ago when the boys turned two, I fell. The load I'd been carrying tumbled out of my grasp, and things simply became bad. I was depressed, angry, and unable to reach out for the things I would normally do to support myself, because I was in financially dire straights. I was embarrassed, and frankly, I felt no ability to account for my days, my choices, or even my thoughts. Ah, depression, my ugly old friend. I tried a few times to give myself prompts and other kinds of inspiration, but this particular story of hope and accomplishment and dreams realized just felt over.

It's funny that my last post was in April... as it turns out, it was the dark before the dawn. I met someone, and we quickly joined our forces together, and the tide of living life, raising kids, and forming a whole new parenting unit - consisting of me, my sister, and now Ted - swept us away. To add to that monumental change, we also had to move house, Max and Shoghi started school, Shoghi's evaluations for sensory processing disorder/ ADHD/ autism continued, Ted moved in with us, and if that all wasn't enough, last month my brother suffered a catastrophic injury to his heart, and after almost three weeks of being by his side in the cardiothoracic ICU, he died. Thirty-four years old. My brother. Dead. It's still unbelievable.

So, there's the catch-up. This whole arc of change simply paralyzed me and swept my voice away.

Now 1+2 as a title doesn't seem right anymore. We've gone from 3 to 5, we have such a huge community of friends, we now live in a co-housing community, and a myriad of other things are different. Finding Ted, and really finding so much of myself before him, propelled me into a new level of clarity about my path - and I am learning that living in integrity with my true wants, talents, and spirit is actually possible. In that spirit, I have started writing a new blog: a certainty of place. Now that I've touched down here again and made peace with the changes that came, maybe I'll come here to write more specifically about parenting, twins, household.... but I think we'll have to just see what comes.

For now, we can meet here and on certainty, and I hope you'll fill me in on your own changes and stories. I'd love to reconnect.

links:

my brother's facebook page, supporting simon

my sister's blog: lifecrafted

a certainty of place

relief & new docs

Ah, Fridays. I like hitting the new mark - it's an awesome feeling to reach another week in the pregnancy. With my past experience of first trimester losses, every week is a gift. Today marks THIRTEEN WEEKS - I think this means I'm officially in the second trimester.

I really debated whether or not to write the scary stuff in this blog. I have found the records kept by other pregnant women, especially those with twins, to be so informative and helpful, so I'm just going to tell it like it is.

Week 12 kicked me to the curb. On Tuesday, I had a very scary bleeding episode, which now, three days later, is resolved. Even knowing as much as I do about normal bleeding during pregnancy, it was a terrible, terrible time. I spent three days on the couch (and doctor's offices), missed those days of work, and finally returned to work today.

I did get to see the twins on ultrasound twice, and they're looking perfect. Twin A's placenta, however, has taken up residence right over my cervix, which is called a complete placenta previa. This early in pregnancy, it's a concern, but not as serious as it would be at the end of pregnancy. The likelihood is that, as my uterus grows, it will lift the placenta off the cervix. This was the only explanation they could come up with for the bleeding.

Because of all this hubbub, I was also (finally) seen by an OB - in fact, I went into the city on Wednesday to meet the high-risk pregnancy team. Fortunately or unfortunately, they are not going to discharge me back to a regular obstetrician, as I have several issues that qualify me as high risk: a multiple pregnancy, a genetic condition called osteogenesis imperfecta (type 1), hypertension, and a history of pelvic fracture (which doesn't appear to be problematic). Shoot, hearing them list this stuff out (and some other things), I actually felt sort of judged for even getting pregnant. I know they didn't mean it that way, but actually, I'm pretty healthy, so it was kind of shocking to be treated as such a serious case.

I was also pretty shocked when the resident sat down to do my intake, and told me that I'd be having a c-section. I think I shocked her back by saying that wasn't really in my plan... Anyway, after talking for a while, they said it was a good thing I was moving to Oregon, because, in her words "they're a little more crunchy out there, and might consider a vaginal delivery." For crying out loud, can you imagine if I was staying here? Not even having the OPTION of a vaginal birth? I mean, I get the risks, and I won't compromise the babies' health, but if the stars align properly, then a regular delivery IS the best option for the health of the babies.

Ok let's move on from that malarkey. The good news this week is that I can now totally feel my uterus! It's SO COOL. The top of it is now right under my belly button, so I expect that my whole belly look will really start to change in the next few weeks.

Next up: 13-week belly pics to be posted this weekend! Woo-hoo!