evolution

This morning I sat down and read this article about when bloggers disappear. I have thought often about my little blog orphan here, and this article gave me the kick in the pants I needed to come back and check in.

The truth is, over a year ago when the boys turned two, I fell. The load I'd been carrying tumbled out of my grasp, and things simply became bad. I was depressed, angry, and unable to reach out for the things I would normally do to support myself, because I was in financially dire straights. I was embarrassed, and frankly, I felt no ability to account for my days, my choices, or even my thoughts. Ah, depression, my ugly old friend. I tried a few times to give myself prompts and other kinds of inspiration, but this particular story of hope and accomplishment and dreams realized just felt over.

It's funny that my last post was in April... as it turns out, it was the dark before the dawn. I met someone, and we quickly joined our forces together, and the tide of living life, raising kids, and forming a whole new parenting unit - consisting of me, my sister, and now Ted - swept us away. To add to that monumental change, we also had to move house, Max and Shoghi started school, Shoghi's evaluations for sensory processing disorder/ ADHD/ autism continued, Ted moved in with us, and if that all wasn't enough, last month my brother suffered a catastrophic injury to his heart, and after almost three weeks of being by his side in the cardiothoracic ICU, he died. Thirty-four years old. My brother. Dead. It's still unbelievable.

So, there's the catch-up. This whole arc of change simply paralyzed me and swept my voice away.

Now 1+2 as a title doesn't seem right anymore. We've gone from 3 to 5, we have such a huge community of friends, we now live in a co-housing community, and a myriad of other things are different. Finding Ted, and really finding so much of myself before him, propelled me into a new level of clarity about my path - and I am learning that living in integrity with my true wants, talents, and spirit is actually possible. In that spirit, I have started writing a new blog: a certainty of place. Now that I've touched down here again and made peace with the changes that came, maybe I'll come here to write more specifically about parenting, twins, household.... but I think we'll have to just see what comes.

For now, we can meet here and on certainty, and I hope you'll fill me in on your own changes and stories. I'd love to reconnect.

links:

my brother's facebook page, supporting simon

my sister's blog: lifecrafted

a certainty of place

30 days: love

The truth for Day 2 is something you love about yourself.

Maybe it's because I'm, well, OLD, but this one comes easily, too. If there's one thing I love about being me, it's the way my creative mind works. I guess this is probably the same for all of us - there's got to just be something in each of us that drives our individual forms of creativity and registers as pleasurable in our brains. For me, though, that spark is ignited in the form of making.

I've been a maker-of-things since I was little. I remember well begging scraps of polyester from the bolts in my grandparents garage, cutting out circles, and making poodle-style skirts for my dolls. Paper dolls, embroidered pillows, ornaments, weaving... I'd make things for my younger siblings, friends, and parents.

My pursuit of making isn't limited to a single medium - I'm just as happy plunging my hands into wet clay or a vat of paper-making material as I am sewing bits of fabric into a quilt. I work contentedly with xacto blades and silk screen presses. I love the thinking aspect of it - guesswork over measurements, moment-by-moment evolution over planning. It's how I create the tangible, and it's also how I have lived my life.

This style of make-and-do also makes me something of a jack of all trades, which has both up and down sides. It's made it challenging for me to focus on a single discipline professionally, since what I love most about work is the learning. I have been equally engaged as an ESL teacher and a marketing director. In college, I loved my chosen field of international development, but wondered if it wouldn't be better to study psychology, or English, or art.

At this point in my life, I am facing yet another professional rebirth - going back to work after a 3-year absence. I'm nearly 40 and have no defined career. No 401k, no retirement savings... and it seems, now that I have two children, that it's probably time to knuckle down and settle on something.

I have postponed my application to a MA in teaching ESL for over a year - a course of study I could do easily but without much inspiration. Now I have found the program of my dreams, and like my long process of becoming a mother, it has led me to examine not just the what-I-can-do of life, but the what-I-long-to-do. It's a risk, but I'm ready to jump off the cliff once and for all. I am applying for an MFA - it gives my stomach a little tug every time I think it - a Masters of Fine Arts. Daring, isn't it, to say this is the thing that makes me special, and then go pursue it with every last shred of energy and resource we have?

This Friday, I am taking another step in the direction of LIVE WHAT YOU LOVE - I'm meeting with someone from the grad school I am going to attend. In the midst of the tremors of insecurity that are plaguing our daily lives right now, this is my light at the end of the tunnel. Just like the risks involved in pursuing motherhood while I was (am) single, pursuing a career in the creative arts seem daunting, but honestly, it's the only thing that feels right.

gaining clarity

illustration by Jen Lemen, Mondo Beyondo

Have you ever felt like there was a time when you really struggled to do something, and it was failing miserably for no apparent reason? Who hasn't, right?

For the past 3 weeks, I have been on a relentless search for a new babysitter, and in that time, my life (our life) has devolved into complete and utter chaos as my need for a nanny has gone on unfulfilled.

At first, my preference was to find a day care center, but it became clear after about, oh, thirty phone calls that this wasn't going to happen. With long waiting lists and minimum age requirements of 2.5 for centers I felt good about, there just was just not any availability. I was surprised to learn how many daycares use television - up to two hours a day. Definitely not cool with me.

So, I changed my search to looking for a nanny. I wrote to friends, talked with former babysitters (who are fortunately now our dear friends), and put the word out into our community. I wrote an ad and posted it on craigslist and on urbanmamas. I emailed about 50 people, heard back from about 15. I interviewed. I called. They rescheduled. It just hasn't been working.

Last night, in the long, long hours when I couldn't sleep, I wondered about this, and realized it's something I've experienced before - I try and try and try for something I feel I need and want, and just end up pouring energy and emotion into one dead end after another.

So I thought to myself:

OK, what if the thing you are saying you want is at odds with what your heart really wants? What is it, if not a simple babysitter, that our family needs? It's time to really pay attention to your heart, rather than your head.

To be honest, I don't have a choice about needing childcare, so the question isn't "do you really want to find childcare for your kids."

I guess the thing I realized last night is that what our family needs isn't a nanny. While the primary job description may read "take care of twin toddlers for 25 hours a week," what our family needs is more like a doula, a grandma, a loving figure who cares about the themes we are playing out, who cares to take the time to be objective about what the present needs are. This may sound burdensome and too large of a job description, but I have friends who are like this who work under the "nanny" job title. We as a family are being birthed into a new phase of our life together - a new phase that will land me either employed outside the home or back to grad school (please, let it be the latter!), will transform Laurie's time and open the space for her to direct energy back into her career as an illustrator, and finally, this change will impact how my sons are socialized, the day-to-day experiences they will have, and the amount of time they spend away from their parents.

In the ad I originally placed online, I wrote that we needed an "adventurous nanny," when in fact, we simply need a nurturer.

I feel a calmness now; I have identified the dissonance that might have been blocking us from finding that person who no doubt would love to nurture our family in this way. Because really, in the end, that's what I believe family is about, and it's the role I believe can be so powerful as a care giver - someone to love us for who we are, where we are, and someone for us to love back.

another monday sum-up

here we are at monday again... this is our last few days on the east coast with my parents. auntie laurie flew out and made it safely here to snuggle her (enormous) nephews, and since then we've been paying visits to our grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends, visiting with our folks, and planing our post-return-to-portland life.

max and shoghi, napping at great-grandma & grandpa's house. as with all babies, sleep is the topic of much discussion over here. so far, the boys continue to sleep first at night in their carseats, which i instituted because they (used to) hate being in the car. (fortunately, this has changed, and they now take much better to being put in the car for both short and long rides.) then when they wake, i transfer them into bed with me. this visit has brought no shortage of people telling me horror stories about babies dying in a shared bed, and at the same time, the boys are starting to move and roll a little. what am i going to do when we get home? i'm not sure. i'm considering cribs, which i thought i might get away without. i'd like to be getting better sleep, though, and i'd also like to see shoghi sleeping a little more deeply at night. similarly, it would be good to have somewhere other than their carseats to nap them during the day. we have a really nice twin graco pack and play, but i think they might have just weighted out of it, since they weigh 15 (shoghi) and 16 (max) pounds now, and i believe the weight limit is 30#. anyway, i clearly have some big decisions to make. i'd love to hear some feedback from co-sleeping families, as well as those who have decided to put their twins in seperate cribs.

my dad, multi-tasking with the boys.

i have to admit, the prospect of being apart from my dad during the day, and my parents in general, has me a little nervous! i've had so much help with the boys, since they were born, really, and now is the time when i will be taking over full care of them. laurie doesn't usually get home from work until 8, and of course then she's exhausted (not to mention the babies had better be asleep by then!), so i don't want to be relying on her for so much assistance. this next stage in my life as a solo parent is really going to be interesting...
hopefully it will not be the test i am fearful of.

shoghi and max have both learned not only how to grasp,
but how to transfer from hand to hand and lift objects to their mouths.

this week, max has mastered the kissy noise, and shoghi is spending much of his awake time trying to blow raspberries and make other souds with his lips and tongue.
this involves a lot of drool, and laughter on the part of the observers.

shoghi has had such a great week, with lots and lots of happy, exuberant awake time. he rolls around, squealing and sticking out his tongue. it's very funny and delightful! poor max, on the other hand, seems to be having a harder week. he's been more fussy than usual, and has been spitting up a lot. then again, during the day, max only naps for about 30 minutes at a time, while shoghi goes down for beautiful 1-2 hour naps.

shoghi has taken to holding his own bottle, a very bitter sweet thing for me. although it's helpful, i don't know if i'm ready for my baby to hold his own bottle. as you know, the very fact of giving them bottles is full of emotion for me. my amount of nursing has definitely decreased over this trip. interestingly, i stoped taking the herbs and am now only on motilium (domperidone), and feel like my supply has actually responded positively to this change. when i can pump, i'm getting about 2-3oz at a time. i'm hoping being alone with the boys and not having to isolate myself will mean that i can pump more. i might also start making my own formula. i'm just so sad that i've had to give them so, so much formula over these past nearly six (!!!) months.

the latest, possibly hare-brained, idea i've had is that perhaps getting the boys to eat some rice cereal and progress to solids may mean that i have to give them fewer bottles, and thus will be able to give them a higher percentage of nursing time to bottle feedings. this combined with their great interest and reaching for food lately lead me to introduce them to their first food - organic brown rice cereal (mixed with some probiotics, thanks korin!) last friday night. they both took to it well, and shoghi really seems to love it! last night he ate the whole 2-oz bowl! the photos are on my mom's camera, so i'll try to get those uploaded tonight. we'll see!

so, that's been our week. i can't believe we're about to head back home; it fills me with such mixed emotions. these boys have really transformed my relationship with my parents and larger family, and i can't help but feel terrible about being so far from them. on the other hand, my life in portland is even better than i had dreamed, and i can't wait to get back and really start shaping my daily life with the boys. that's it for now - i'll try to get some more photos up before we leave, and then it will probably be a while before my next post, since i have to get a new computer in order to do so.

love to all!

To Do Some More

Now that I've officially completed my 26th week (yesterday), I'm feeling a little pressure to figure some things out... namely, the boys' names! Next Thursday marks the beginning of the third trimester, which means it's time to get busy! The clothes all need to be washed and organized, I have to strike some semblance of organization to my stuff that is still in boxes and now scattered between two houses, and I really must address the big decisions:

• Find a photographer
• Make schedule of visitors for post-birth
• Research pediatricians
• Finalize birth plans and back-up hospital team
• Get my teeth cleaned
• Make sure I have everything needed for at least the first 3 months (things I can anticipate needing, that is)
• Decide whether I want/ need a new camera
• Finish baby knits
  
• Make and freeze some meals
• Make arrangements for birth announcements
• Finish all work projects by end of August
• Figure out what to do about Bamboo Village Press for the summer/fall season.
  

No doubt there are 40 more things to add, but this is what comes to mind now.

I thought I'd share my short list of names... this has been HARD to generate, let me tell ya! There are a million beautiful and meaningful girl names that I've had on my list for years, but with boy names, somehow it seems much more challenging.

First Names in the Running

• Arjun (white, clear; hero from Mahabharatha)
• Aziz (beloved)
• Benjamin
• Isaac (he laughs)
• Maxwell (after W. Sutherland Maxwell)
• Oliver
• Njeru (wolf, after close friend)
• Noah (rest, comfort)
• Rowan (little red)
• Shoghi (after Shoghi Effendi)
• Sisu (tenacity of purpose)

Paired: Joseph/ Aaron (brother); Shoghi/ Maxwell

The Belly House

During the past week, I lost any arch in my back, and my ribs have definitely expanded... I think I'm going to have to get some new braziers. I'm not sure if you can see much difference between 24 week (brown shirt) and today (others), but I definitely feel one! Here's a smattering of pics for today.