experimenting with toddler passtimes

fridge lotto magnets

I've been trying a lot of new activities with the boys lately, experimenting with what they're ready for and what is still too much of a challenge, too dangerous (to the other twin), or too messy. I'm pretty resigned to cleaning up messes, and believe strongly in allowing the boys to explore objects that engage their senses. That said, all of these were from over a week ago - for several days, I've just been too tired to deal with it!

Here are some of the ways I've modified our space and activities we've tried.

Table and Chairs

This little table is set up in our kitchen/dining area. I use it right now to put snacks out - I'm working diligently (and not yet successfully) to help the boys learn to keep their food on the table, both here where they have the freedom to come and go, and at the big table we all use for meals. I have tried placing activities, like sorting games or stacking rings, on the table, but that really only works when I am sitting with one of them. I had to replace the chairs that came with the table with these shorter stools - although they both loved the idea of having chairs, they were just too tall for now.

Fridge Lotto

Shoghi has been captivated by flowers for quite a long time, but recently he has learned to actually say "flowers," so we hear about these spring beauties all day long. I got the book "Planting a Rainbow" for him at the library a couple of weeks ago, and he's been quite delighted by the colorful blooms on the pages. On a whim, I whipped up this little fridge matching game. I simply drew a bunch of different flowers and a sun, which at the time was Max's newest word, and stuck it to the fridge with a piece of contact paper cut to a larger rectangle size. I glued corresponding images into baby food jar lids, and stuck a magnet on the back.

Although they both point to the flowers and sun, the magnets mostly just get thrown. We've already lost two of them! Clearly, this matching game is too advanced. They love magnets, though, so I think we'll make more.

Frozen Colors

I got this idea browsing the forums on Mothering. I just took a silicone ice cube tray, putting one drop of food coloring in each cube with water.


This has turned out to be a nice activity for the floor in the kitchen. It's messy, and I have to make sure they don't walk away with these potential carpet stain cubes, but they both liked handling the frozen ice. If you're sensitive to the idea of the kiddos ingesting food coloring, look for a natural version at your local health food store.

We have many books about colors right now, so this is a great hands-on activity to reinforce color differentiation. Some of the favorites this month: Flaptastic Colors and Planting a Rainbow: Lap-Sized Board Book.

prepping the colors

Fingerpaint

This speaks for itself... Max in his typical full body exploration style has taken to fingerpaints with relish, but I think I'm going to have to get some paint brushes for Shoghi, who seems pretty grossed out by the feel of it.

What are some of your favorite toddler passtimes?

Click these links to see more photos of our activites or join our flickr group and share your toddler fun photos?

messfast

This right here is why we have eggs for breakfast almost every day. Max is a very, very messy eater. It's really a full body experience for him.

While we're on the topic of breakfast, it took me a while to figure it out, but Max's word for eggs is "wee". Very cute.

On this particular morning, we were having cream of wheat with chopped dates and raspberries. Yummy in the mouth, pretty disgusting all over a squirmy toddler. You know this is why I have to drink so much coffee, right?

mid-way through breakfast...


and here at the end... (he's talking about Auntie leaving for work)

pool in the kitchen

If there's one thing I know about getting through the day, it's that late afternoons before dinner time are of critical planning importance. No matter if the little fellas wake up from afternoon nap at 2:30 or 4, they whine, cling, and cry their way through until dinner is on the table. By this time, I am also tired, and sadly, I rarely have a solid dinner plan. I do a lot of wandering around the kitchen, looking blankly into the cabinets the same way a person like me might look under the hood of a car, dumbly expecting the solution to emerge with neon lights and a happy little tune.

As I enter this new year, I have rededicated myself to planning this time of day ahead of time. I have reserved Sunday nights for menu planning, and unlike many of my friends who only make dinner menus, mine will include all three meals plus snacks. How much easier is my life going to be when I know what needs to be cooked when, which snacks to pack up or set on their little table, and what meals are on the way? It is a relief just thinking of it.

Last week, the whining was really wearing me down. Typical meal-prep video distraction was not working. I was too tired to try to make dinner with one 30-pounder on my back and another 20-pounder in my arms.

making dinner is challenging with only one hand.

I ran out in the rain and grabbed the summertime wading pool, flicking off those ugly Portland slugs as I jogged towards the door. I carried it in over the pulling hands and whiny cries and dumped it on the floor, then put two small bins filled with warm, soapy water into the pool right in the kitchen and let the boys go at it.


We turned up the heat, stripped off their clothes and dropped in some toys, and I bought myself 20 minutes to get dinner ready. Granted, it resulted in a wet floor and extra cleanup for me, but this is definitely a trick to remember for hard days that I will no doubt be using again.

the bright side of these brothers

Hey, so I'm really ok... I just have to blow off a little steam every now and then! Yes, the sleep thing does really get to me, but if you know me in person, you know that I have a tendency to stress out a little too easily, so no worries.

As the boys get older, it's so awesome to see these little glimmers emerging of their relationship as brothers. They play peek-a-boo several times a day, and belly button tickling is an endless source of brother giggles. They chase each other down the hall, play imitation games at meals, and make each other laugh with their antics.

see this? it's my BELLY!

Belly? That's cool, but wait... PEEK-A-BOOOOOOO!!!

Equally present and increasingly problematic is the inevitable sibling rivalry... or maybe it's not rivalry yet, but it's more the fact that they're not problem solvers in time yet. When one sees something the other one is playing with, he becomes fascinated and wants to take it immediately, despite the fact that the same toy might be sitting beside him. It's a source of a lot of crying, hair pulling, pushing and biting. I'm dealing with it in stride, I think... our worst biting problem is not from these situations of frustration but either tiredness or affection. Shoghi's expression in the form of locking his jaws on people has been going on for 6 months now, and I really haven't yet found a working strategy for handling it.

So, anyway, in and around the things that challenge me, there are the bright, lovely times that remind me that pulling out all my reserves (every day!) is worth it, and that I am on the path I love, even when it's hard. I am so lucky to be a mama, and even more so to get to be mama to these two amazing boys. I love them so much!

all belly buttons, all the time

down to one

Hey, thanks for all the birthday wishes! It was such a lovely day, and your kind words went straight to my heart!

It's been such a hectic time here. Napping has been way off for both the little fellas, with Max showing clear signs that he just won't sleep for more than a combined 11-12 hours per 24 hours. My ability to get stuff done for Bamboo Village was seriously diminished by having many days in a row of absolutely no alone time as the boys were snoozing at different times, not to mention being able to achieve the basics of, oh, you know... minor things like washing diapers or cooking meals.

Finally I decided three days ago that it's time to switch from two naps a day to one... or at least try it and see what happens. It's unfortunate for little Shoghurt, or "sho-du" as Max calls him -- he's a very happy sleeper, and adores his morning and afternoon nods.


So far, it's going fairly well. Max still hasn't had a day of napping for more than 90 minutes, and is still waking up between 5 and 6am, much to my dismay. Today we made morning stops at two friend's homes, and by 11am when we got home for lunch, Shoghi just couldn't make it a second longer. Laurie and I laughed hysterical but sympathetic bursts while the little fella struggled to keep his eyes open... we tried jiggling him, feeding him, standing him up on his feet, but his eyes kept rolling, and finally he dropped off to dreamland while I was changing his diaper. It was so pathetically funny. I was very bummed that my camera was without batteries! It was super sweet.


So, now that our visits with family and friends are over until my parents come in February (we can hardly wait!), I'm trying to get the house back in order, pack some things for our upcoming move, keep these active boys entertained, and tend to my lovely Bamboo Village. I even managed to post over there today about some of the creative projects in the works, as well as some brief words on the challenges of doing this with the boys under foot.

dish

Toddler eating is getting to be a little crazy-making in our home. No, the throwing hasn't really begun (and please, Lord let it not!), but picky eaters? Spitting out food? Dropping loads of painstakingly-prepared food onto the floor? Oh, my yes.

The favorite food group by far is fruit. These boys would eat only fruit all day long if I let them. The canned peaches I put up are going fast, and the 20 pounds of blueberries we picked and froze are eaten up already. Next spring I am seriously going to have to invest in a chest freezer to put up many times more than what I did this year. Max signs peach, apple, pear, and grape with glee, squeals for berries and apricots, and tucks into whatever fruit I set before him with great enthusiasm.

Last week, zucchini sauteed in garlic was the only veggie I could get them to eat; this week, they won't have anything to do with it.  Last night I made a seriously fabulous sweet potato dish that they wouldn't touch. The most frustrating part is the whining and clingyness that descends upon our home after 4pm -- prime time for dinner making. Shoghi wants only to be in my arms - he has a great fascination with chopping, cooking, and the stove. When I put him down he cries bitter tears and bites my legs. I had to stop wearing him in the ergo last week when he bit my shoulder so hard I wondered if he was going to come away with a mouthful of flesh. That wasn't one of my prettiest mama moments, lemme tell ya.

So, after practicing mindfulness, patience, and measured breathing for the better part of an hour (or more) at the end of a long day, when we sit down to eat and they won't take more than 2 bites of whatever I have cooked, I find myself feeling rather grumpy. I crack open another jar of pears; I spoon out yet another bowl of yogurt. Goldfish, anyone? I remember reading recently that toddlers have gotten most of their calories already during the day, so dinner doesn't need to be too big, and I remind myself that dinner can actually be the smallest meal of the day... but then I put them to bed with anxieties of them waking up in the middle of the night, and so I beg them to take one bite more.

So, in the spirit of leaving these exploring, blossoming little beings who are developing opinions and preferences to their little devices, I thought we'd take a moment to share some yummies that the grown-ups will certainly enjoy. Let toddler have yogurt and fruit only... we have other things to eat!

First, I give you this cookbook: Feeding the Whole Family: Cooking with Whole Foods which I read about over the summer. I adore this book, from its lovely cover art, to its explanations of cooking whole grains, to its pages of inspiring recipes that I can't wait to try. I've made the maple nut granola so many times already - it's becoming a weekly activity. It is so good, it's worth getting the book just for that.

Second, I thought that you might appreciate the wonderfully delicious sweet potato dish I concocted last night, so here you have it:

Carmelized Sweet Potatoes with Pine Nuts

2 medium sweet potatoes, cubed
1 small onion, chopped
1T minced or grated ginger
dry rosemary
butter
olive oil
2T honey
1/4c pine nuts
salt and pepper to taste
parsley

Steam sweet potatoes in a basket steamer for approximately 10 minutes, or until fork tender, set aside.

While the sweet potatoes are steaming, carmelize the chopped or sliced onion in 1T of butter and 1T olive oil and a dash of salt. Cook over medium heat to slowly soften, then brown the onion. When onion is almost done, add a pinch of crushed, dry rosemary and ginger, continuing to sautee until onion is nicely done.

In a separate dry pan, roast pine nuts until light brown and fragrant. Set aside when done. 

Increase heat to medium-high, adding more oil if necessary to ensure that the sweet potatoes will be well-coated after adding. When the pan it hot, add sweet potatoes and then honey, turning to cover with oil/onion. Allow to cook slowly and brown, stirring every few minutes, adjusting heat as necessary.Salt and pepper to taste.

When there's a nice brown crust on the potatoes, add the pine nuts. Garnish with parsley if desired.

***
Let me know if you try it - I'd love to hear what you think! And if you have any toddler favorite recipes or tips, bring em on - I beg of you!

Bon apetit!

pajama day

 Yesterday we had a pjs day here at our house. Max has held his resistance this time, but Shoghi was completely miserable for a couple of days. I actually debated taking him to the hospital, he was so wheezy and ill. He really missed his Auntie, and kept her scarf wrapped around his neck all day. There was a lot of cuddling, and lots of Sesame Street and Baby Signing Time. Max, our little TV lover, was thrilled to no end to get to watch so much, while Shoghi just wanted to be held.

differentiation

When you have twins, you're gonna get questions. Starting when you're pregnant, people feel very comfortable stopping you to chat about your size, how you became pregnant with twins (does it run the family?), and how you're going to cope. After the babies arrive, the questions - and comments - continue.

Are they twins?
How do you do it?
A boy and a girl?
Oh, that's double trouble!
You must be really busy!

They stop me while shopping to chat, they ask personal questions about my pregnancy, the boys' conception, and make guesses about their personalities. They want the boys to smile, and wave, and say "hi." They guess at who is older, which I find ridiculous because they're basing their guess on the fact that Shoghi is bigger - as if being a minute older than your twin would contribute somehow to your size??

I try to use this as an opportunity to connect with people - to stop for a moment and breathe, and remind myself that in our busy society, most of the time we don't even look at each other, nevermind stop to chat with strangers. I want to model openness and patience to my children. I want them to learn to offer a friendly smile when people bend down to talk to them.

Sept 2009

Sometimes, though, the questions and comments are less welcome. When I am running to enter a restaurant in the pouring rain, with one toddler in a carrier tied to my front, and the other in my arms on my hip, with my bag falling off my shoulder and rain dripping down my face, it would be nice if they'd just offer to help - to get the door or even hold a baby - rather than smiling and offering a mere "you've got your hands full".

playing together at Oxbow Park

Starting this summer, some have begun to ask me how close in age the boys are. When I say "one minute apart," they stare at me blankly before I add "they're twins." "Really?" they balk. "Yes, twins. They're fraternal, so it's just like two brothers in a family - except that they developed at the same time." "Wow, they look so difffffffferent," they say, not in an altogether kind way. Now that they've got a year under their belts, and their teeny-tinyness is gone, Shoghi and Max are obviously different. Shoghi is much bigger - two weeks ago, he weighed nearly 25 pounds, while Max was just hitting 20. Shoghi is about 3" taller than his twin. Max has straight, reddish hair and brown eyes, and Shoghi's got sandy, wavy hair and gray eyes. Max wears a size smaller in clothes and shoes, and soon, diapers, too, as I'm afraid I'm going to have to buy size large cloth diapers for Shoghi in the next couple of months.

Forest Hills Park, September

But there's one more question I've been hearing a lot lately... and it's one that sits so strangely with me that even as people continue to ask, I continue to not know how to respond. Complete strangers ask me if Shoghi has Down's Syndrome. In fact, it's been happening enough that we'll be seeing his pediatrician to find out conclusively. You know, it's been quite a meditation for me. If he does have this chromosomal abnormality, he will still be exactly my same Shoghi. We will just know something different about him - albeit something that may have siginificant implications. My perception will have to shift, my expectations for how I will parent him may have to be altered. But in a way,that's just the life of a parent anyway - personalities, temperaments, learning abilities and styles, physical strengths and weaknesses... sicknesses and diagnoses; they all come with the territory.

But there's that part of me that's always hurt. Why are people asking me this? Even more - why do they think it's ok to ask me? Maybe it's the shape of his eyes. Our donor is Bolivian - maybe AmerIndian. Shoghi's eye shape has never seemed strange to me. In fact, he actually looks a lot like I did when I was his age. But still, having people ask me if my son has a possibly life-altering medical condition is - to say the least - uncomfortable. I hate that strangers make assumptions about my children, and while it's just a normal part of being a parent to discover that people do this, it has come as something of a shock. Why is it ok to ask something like that about a baby? Is it alright if I turn back to the same woman and ask if she is in menopause?

Shoghi

Just as I'm sure I'd have loved to have identical twins, I really adore the experience of having fraternal twins. It is an endless source of fun to have two such different children developing side by side. Whatever their similarities, whatever their differences, I am just so grateful to have them.

*top photo by Amy Crawford Photography

affirmation

This afternoon I was listening to a little Louise Hay. Rather, a little Louise Hay was playing in the background as I busied myself with other things. Just for a moment, though, my attention turned and I heard her say: "I love and approve of you just as you are" and this made me think of my two gem-like sons, so different from each other, so uniquely faceted, and so dazzling to my eyes.

I never did write their one year birthday post. It seems that these major milestones come upon me, and I think "I must write about that" and then the significance swallows me up and nothing is written. The more of them pile up, the greater the mountain of things to reflect upon grows in my mind, and soon these moments of beauty become a chore to write about. I never wrote about their birth, never really told you all about our nursing experience in its fullness (and how it came to a close when they were 11 months old), and haven't kept up with the sleeping updates.. all of which continue to have effects on us to this day! Knowing how I tend to forget details, I'm disappointed that I haven't written these things down.

So, when I heard that affirmation, my mind turned here, to tell my boys how I do love and approve of them, now... in the moment... for everything they are - the things that make my heart sing, and the things that challenge me to my core. I love being a mama to them - I always knew I would... and sometimes, in the quiet moments before bed, or late in the night when one of them is up, I whisper "thank you for being my baby" in their little ears, and yes, I am overcome by a wave of the deepest gratitude. It is a prayer to bypass even their bodies, and speak directly to their souls... it is a prayer of thanks to God or the Universe or whatever Name you use for that creative, animating Force that unites us all.

Here's just a little happy glimmer of what is going on for the boys these days:

At 14 months, Shoghi, you are a little wonder. You are so tall - if we don't adjust your age for prematurity, you are in the 90th percentile for height and weight, which is crazy for a family of short people! Your feet are so big, they remind everyone of hobbit feet - you're wearing shoes that Ruby wore when she was 2! You have many new words that are trying to form - you make a funny sound for "juice" and another for "cheese" which sounds like a "shhh" sound in your cheek. It seems like learning to talk for you is going to be as much a physical experience as everything else! You are still learning to walk, you love the slide and all the other playground equipment, and continue to experience the world most through exploring with your body. You rarely get hurt - it seems like you just accept that bumps and bruises are part of the deal of loving to use your body so much.

Max, my little social butterfly, we all take such delight in your language skills! Where your brother is towering physically, you are soaring with your words. I'm guessing you probably have between 40 and 50 words now, which is really quite remarkable and fun! Mama, Auntie, Ruby, Memmae, Popi, and Emilia are people you will name; cheese, fish, cookie, cracker, juice, bottle, apricot, pear, peach, toast, apple, berry, yogurt, and puffs are some of the foods you ask for; sounds like moo, baa, ooo-ooo (what a monkey says), meow, woof, hoo-hoo, neigh, peep, tweet, shhh, ding, gobble, choo-choo, beep, roar, quack, and bawk animate your days; and words like car, belly button, nose, teeth, gorilla, moon, chair, bird, shoes, puppy, bunny, cold, rain, wind, book, ball, tree, walk, and more help you to tell us what you want. It's really quite an amazing time, listening to you learn to tell us what you see, what you want, and how you feel. All the while, you exercise your mouth and tongue, making the funniest sounds like "gobbledy-gobbledy" and "weddygo-weddygo."

signing "more" to Auntie

**

Now your Mama must acknowledge her own state of weariness and sign off. Until next time...

playful

My, my, how these kids now play! Every week, we notice them playing together more, imitating each other especially at mealtime, chasing each other, playing peek-a-boo, and handing toys back and forth. OK, that last one more commonly plays out as them taking toys from each other and then the other bursting into frustrated tears, but sometimes we'll all three be sitting and they will play with a toy together, taking turns kissing our stuffed kitty, puppy, or lamb.They still love to play with the same playsilk that has entertained them since little babyhood, only now they notice each other and will hide under the silk and laugh.


They love to stir containers of water - this is an especially absorbing game for Shoghi these days - it can keep his attention for 15 minutes sometimes!


Sometimes interactions go best when they are somewhat separated - here they are playing and laughing while Shoghi was in the highchair:



They also like to watch us do things now - they try to brush our teeth and feed us, put hats (and boxes) on our heads. It's pretty fun, except of course that it involves half-chewed food...


Shoghi is doing a lot of standing, and now takes notice of other kids. He hasn't quite figured out the social graces involved with being in other people's space yet...


On the other hand, Max loves engaging socially with others. We see our best friend Ruby almost every day, and if I say "walk," "Korin" or "Ruby," he starts calling "Weeee-be" or "Beeee-be" until he lays his happy eyes on her. Here they all are, playing in the Sandy River at Oxbow Park:


Here he is with our little friend Madden. They were playing peek-a-boo together, and Madden had Max laughing away!

When I think back, a few months ago, there was a lot more whining. I couldn't leave them alone for more than 2 or three minutes at a time. Now, though, things are much easier. I guess when they say if you make it through the first year with twins, this is what they mean. Life is good!!

flying with 9 month old twins

A friend asked in comments for some advice for flying with 9-month old twins and 3 adults, so here you have it! I posted twice last January about my experience flying alone with 4-month old twins -- at that age, their prematurity still showed, so they acted more like 2 month olds.

At nine months, and with three adults the trip should be easy, I think!! Assuming you have no seats reserved for the babies and will be having them on your laps on the plane, here's what I would do:

• Check as much luggage as possible, both carseats and the stroller at the ticketing area.
• For this age, I would recommend using a pouch for the plane, but you might want a regular back or front carrier like a meitai or ergo for walking through the airport. The ergo will be easier to get on and off for passing through security - the carrier will have to go through the xray machine, while both babies will have to be carried through the checkpoint. This is a challenging point if you are traveling alone with twin babies, but you should be fine, given that there will be three of you. Back to the pouch, I found this type of carrier great for the plane. The babies were comfortably contained while sitting on my lap during the flight, and it was nice to have them swaddled in this way that left my hands free. I really missed it this time when we flew - both of my boys are too big to cradle in the pouch now!
• Plan to carry on one or two diaper bags. Include enough diapers that if they each poop every hour of the trip, you have enough. I know this might seem excessive, but I definitely travel in the "better safe than sorry" camp, especially after our experience in December of being stuck at the airport over night.
• If you are not traveling with the nursing mama, be sure to bring double the amount of EBM or formula than you will need. I like to travel with Playtex bottles - one bottle for each baby, and plenty of liners and clean nipples so I can swap them out easily.
• Aside from the diapers and feeding supplies (if needed), I'd just bring a handful of the favorite toys and a couple of books for this age. Novelty can be important later, but I think at 9 months, favorites would be enough. When in doubt, though, bring something new. Tie long strings onto each toy so that when they fall on the floor, you'll be able to pull them up by the cord. Traveling with 1 year olds, I found the single most important item was a portable DVD player. Without it on our last trip, it would have been pretty unbearable. My boys didn't pay any attention to TV until very recently, though, so again, I think you'll be fine with just toys.
• Although I couldn't get my hands on any for the last flight, a friend and naturopath recommended getting some Herbs for Kids Super Calm. I tried using melissa and valerian alone on the last flight and didn't notice any really helpful effect. I did call my pediatrician about using benadryl, and they strongly discourage it. The APA does not approve the use of benadryl in this situation, according to my physician's office.
  
• Finally, know that legally the airline cannot allow two lap babies in the same row. If you got three adult tickets seated together, they will move one of you with a baby. Pack your diaper/food/toy bag accordingly, because if you don't change your seat assignment early, you might be sitting quite far away from each other. This happened to us this time on the way to MA - I was flying with my mom, and we were split up.
  

I think the most important thing for me is to assume that people will be helpful, and to say "yes" in any way I can when people offer. This makes the trip much less stressful!

I hope this helps! Have fun, and let us know how it went, along with any new tips you might glean from your trip!

working backward and looking forward

Well, well, well. We are back in Portland, and boy do I have a lot of catching up to do! I think I'm going to work in reverse to catch you all up.


So, first of all, jet lag and one-year-olds.... SUCKS!!! When we traveled from West to East, it worked out really, really well - a very early morning and a long day of travel actually resulted in a very short adjustment time for the boys. Of course, it was also nice to have them wake up at 8am instead of 5am! Coming back, though, has been really rough. By the time we left MA, the boys were regularly waking at 6am, so that meant that in Oregon they have been really thrown off. Keeping them up until 7pm has been pretty tough, because of course their little bodies still feel like it's 10pm! Just two days after arriving in Portland, though, Max is back to sleeping only 10 hours, the stubborn little guy, meaning that he was up and ready to go at 5am today. This is my ongoing struggle - putting them to bed at 8 is just too late. I need some down time, and evenings are long and hard as it is. But the fact that I cannot get Max to sleep for more than 10 hours just kills me every day!!

I think I'll put up a seperate post about flying with twin 1-year olds. It was an adventure both going to MA and returning. VERY different than flying with them last December. As with all things baby (especially twin babies), creativity, perserverence, and a sense of humor, even if dark, came in very handy.


We had the most wonderful visit, though. Four weeks of time with my parents, Memmae and Popi, meant that they got to experience lots of our routine and many new accomplishments on the part of both boys. They really bonded with them, and I can tell that part of the difficulty for them in settling back down at home has been separation from their grandparents.

***

Getting back to Portland is fraught with meaning for me as a mama. The last month closed my first year as a mother, and also brought to an end the time I had set aside to be staying at home with the boys. Financially, I can't swing it anymore. We're losing our private health insurance this month, and I haven't been able to find the time to grow my business to the point where I'm making enough regular money. It's all ok - I have room to be flexible and deal with these changes and challenges, but it means that I am going to have to find reserves of energy, clear thought, frugality, and patience in deeper places than I have yet had to search.

the birth day mama and her boys

The next few months loom in front of me and seem to be a kind of proving ground for me as a single mother to my beautiful sons. I face the reality that I will be spending less and less time with them at a point in their development when they are learning, changing, and accomplishing new things every day. I will certainly miss many of their milestones in the moment of unfolding. I fear the sadness I will feel on days when I spend time with them only in the hardest hours of their day, and when I think of them growing more attached to other care givers, I feel both happy for their expanded world of people who love them and loss at having to share their precious daily hours with someone else.

When I was 21 and in my first marriage, I started trying to have children. Fifteen years, three relationships, countless pregnancy tests, 12 cities, three languages, a Bachelor's Degree, hours and hours of therapy, yoga, meditation, self-reflection, and a complete re-orientation of my life later, I am a mother. Everything in that list except becoming a mom seems now to just have been stepping stones - secondary to the drive and deep, consuming desire to be raising children. To say I wouldn't change a thing wouldn't be true - I don't think I have fully come to terms with all of the loss I endured over those long, heartbreaking years - but to finally be living my dream of having children is miracuous, and is the source of rivers and oceans of gratitude.

The next chapter to unfold is the one where I get to continue to co-create a family with the boys and - for now - my sister, and it's also the part where I get to dream up and realize the contribution I want to make through my career. I have just become aware of how I put aside getting clear about my vocation in my quest to be a mother - how exciting (and scary) that I can now begin to hone in on my talents, my strengths, and the unique way I can give back to this world through my work. I have walked in enough shoes, worked a great variety of jobs, and seen myself succeed in diverse situations to know that if I can just empty my mind of fear and expectation, I can and will discover my calling that is ready to emerge from within. It will be when I find that familiar excitement and joy that I will know I am on the right track.

And so we go on. I'll try in the upcoming posts to catch you up on the last month, and hope you'll share your own victories and inspirations with me as I knuckle down in the months to come. I'm glad to have this place to try to make sense of it all.

this and that

It's been a busier-than-average week here, since I didn't have my regular days to get stuff done with our nanny. She'll be back tomorrow, and then comes the few days of final prep before my mom flies out to help me travel back East with the boys. We'll be in MA from July 27-August 24, and can't wait to see lots and lots of our family and friends. Facebook has rekindled quite a few old friendships, and I'm excited to get together with these childhood friends while we're on the Cape.

The boys are into everything! We had to duct tape the corners of the stove drawer, and now they both crawl into it. Oy!

The weather here in Portland is quite variable - we had some days that were cool last week, so to keep things interesting, we brought the pool inside. Here they are, in the "not tub"


A rare nap during stroller time...


And I'll have to find and link the older posts that show photos of the boys at the door in various stages of development, but here's the most recent one, now that they are both standing. Notice how much taller Shoghi is than Maxwell!