sick

Toddlers. They sure do get sick a lot. Max fell prey to the latest round of ick over the weekend, postponing our plans to travel to see my grandma and aunties, significantly decreasing our sleep, and making life miserable. Oh, that boy - he bears his fangs when he's not feeling well. The temper tantrums have been epic, and the attempts to bite his brother in dismay and frustration endless. I'm glad to have just read this article about temper tantrums - it's been good to know that after a couple of attempts at solving his frustrations, I can just hold open the space for him to freak out.

Holding space is about all we've been doing since my brother left on Saturday and sister left Sunday. Taking things slow, while still trying to keep things moving for the boys so they don't have to fend each other off all day. It's not that they fight... in fact, I wouldn't say they ever really fight. It's just that sometimes it's like they're magnets with opposite sides trying to connect - they just need space from each other periodically throughout the day, and really, who doesn't? They are so intense at this age, so driven by impulse, so involved in learning and concentrating, social discovery and attempt at connection through language. Not only do they have to figure out how to deal with the grown-ups in their lives, they have to face their twin who is going through the exact same developmental process. It's exhausting for us all, and they're so small and vulnerable - I definitely feel that it is my job to give them a buffer, whether it be planned outings, time spent 1:1 with their grandparents, time in the back carrier, or quick-moving changes in activity.

Anyway, I'm waiting, waiting for Max to be well again. The terrible coughing, the fever, the crying at the obvious pain of the coughs.... it's just so unbearable. I want my stomp-dancing, silly-talking, tickle-loving boy back!

missing

It's been a rather long time since I've posted, hasn't it? March has arrived, spring is here, my children continue to change and grow, and somewhere along the line, I feel like a part of me has been lost. A heavy old feeling has returned, and this time I have a happy little life surrounding me. There is no bad relationship to blame. The days of infertility and pregnancy loss are behind me. Sure, there's a lot to be stressed out about - still not having a job, getting older and wondering if I'll have a chance to be a mama to a third (biological) child, running out of money... these are all things that I encounter in my mind and heart every day. But the darkness I feel taking up residence again I have now come to accept as something else - why is it so hard for me to even type this word - depression.

To admit that I'm not just lazy, not a terrible procrastinator, not irresponsible, not at fault... to set aside labels that I have used on myself for years and years... why is that so hard? It's easier to blame myself than to think that perhaps these symptoms that have plagued me for so long are not just a failing of my will to change. Ironically, though I have spent a lot of time in therapy, I have not used medication for depression aside from when my marriage was falling apart and I was in the worst grief of infertility. And now that I really believe that this is truly clinical depression that I'm dealing with, I have no health insurance or savings left to deal with it.

I have envisioned this blog as a place to record the story of this little family - to share it with family and friends, to connect with new people... and ultimately, to have it as a gift for my sons. I hesitate to write about the darker moments of parenting.

One thing I am proud of, though, is that in these past months that have been tarnished by panic attacks, muscle and joint pain, and the dark paralysis of this strange and unwanted internal despair, I can truly say that all the energy I have summoned has gone to my children. I haven't written my resume or kept on top of all of my bills, but I have spent countless hours playing with Max and Shoghi, celebrating their little lives, cooking for them, researching their development and trying to come up with ways to engage their curiosity, looking into their precious eyes, hugging their beautiful bodies, washing their diapers, telling them stories, and re-discovering the world through their experience of living. I know that even in my worst hours, I am a loving mother to my boys, and that is a gift to all of us.

So, this is the reason I haven't been posting much. It is hard for me to admit that things have really gotten this dark - and it's been very sad for me to come to the realization that if this is not situational depression as I had guessed in the past, that I may well have to deal with the truly terrible affliction of depression for a good while. Have you dealt with depression or a disease of chronic pain or fatigue as a parent? If so, please share your experience!

january, a month of constant vigilence

January has been quite a month! The boys are both now solidly walking, talking up a storm, and signing quite a lot! We endured two rounds of colds, our first case of impetigo, and the emergence of 6 out of our 8 canines (Max still hasn't hatched his bottom two). This has led to extreme sleep disturbances, and an average of 4 hours a night of sleep for me, as I spent my nights shuttling between my unhappy boys. For the first time in a very long time, I actually had to enlist my sister's help during the night on at least two occasions. By the end of the month, it also became clear that it was time to try reducing to one nap a day - we're still in the throes of that transition.

some beautiful weather this month meant a lot of time outside.
shoghi discovers soil for the first time.

the emotional needs of toddlers can be so intense. thank god i'm in the habit of babywearing. i honestly don't know what i would do without my carriers.

This was our third month since our dear Emilia retired from caring for my boys in order to welcome her own sweet baby. To say I've missed her is an extreme under-statement; in short, the household fell into complete disorder, I had to close Bamboo Village Press and completely abandon my other brand new business Good Karma Marketing. If you are one of the many friends or family who has emailed, commented, left voicemail, or sent a message via facebook, you may suspect that I have been ignoring you - in reality, I just haven't had any time. I haven't listened to voicemail for about two weeks, to be honest. I guess I'm a little shut down these days.

This month, I was inspired by several of my mama-of-multiple friends and a visit to All Roads Montessori School to give the boys more opportunities to participate in learning about daily life. Miriam is a mom of triplet girls who sent me a very helpful intro to setting up the house in Montessori-style, following a visit from my friend Jolene who planted the idea that I could use this method at home.

we took these lights down and the boys were both so fascinated, i decided to put them in a basket on the shelf. they carry the basket to the table and i plug them in. we've talked a lot about colors this month, so this activity was a good match.

These inspirations have mostly involved changes in mealtime and cycles of activity. I've deliberately refrained from using the word "help" when we're tidying up or doing other chores - I want them to get a sense that it's just a part of the day, and that they are responsible participants, not helpers. I've capitalized on their obsession with sweeping and vacuuming to make these a part of completing meal times and activities involving messy play (like rice or bean play).

any excuse to sweep
much fighting ensues over whose turn it is with the broom. i hope to get two child-sized brooms this month

Jen described in a recent post how she does meals with her twins. Until that time, I'd been resigning myself to the bowl-hurling, and had convinced myself that they weren't ready for dishes - for the most part, I was putting their food right on the table, which seemed logical after they both graduated from highchairs with trays back in December. Then I started serving them on those plastic plates with little divided sections, and they LOVED it.


At the same time, I realized that this was going to require me to be at the table with them at all times, not preparing each different dinner item as the meal progressed (i.e. as they rejected the last thing). They both really love seeing all their food at once, and generally go for the fruit first, but don't complain when it's done. I did a lot of praising - basically a running commentary of "wow! Max is keeping his plate on the table!" and "Shoghi, I love how you're eating with your spoon!"

All of this work has yielded real fruits: we have very little food throwing, and virtually no plates end up on the floor anymore (wish I could say the same about spoons and forks, but you gotta start somewhere, right?). I do preempt the throwing, though... if I see them gearing up, I say "oh, it looks like you're done. Let's move your plate" or something along those lines. I also tell them that I'm going to help them to remember how to do something, rather than just taking it away.

messy baby/clean baby.
some things never change!

In celebration of this amazing mealtime transformation, and after visiting the Montessori school, I got some small ceramic plates and cups from Goodwill and that's now what we are using at the table. They seem to love their open cups, and like watching me pour their milk (which I give about a tablespoon at a time).

our new place settings

The other major change has been that I basically follow them around now during their active time, and draw their attention back when they're finishing an activity. I tell them that I see they're finished with it, and tell them that we'll put it back on the shelf. I didn't really think they were even hearing me, but last Monday at the doctor's office, I told them we were going to put the toys away before leaving the exam room, and Shoghi actually picked up a toy and put it away! I was so shocked and excited!

In a similar vein, Max has learned to pick up his juice cup or any snacks he has (intentionally) dropped onto the floor from their small table (which I use for snacks) and put them back onthe table. He stands there and applauds for himself, which is totally darling.

This constant attention to what they are doing, and my running narrative of what we are doing and how we are finishing, has definitely contributed to my lack of time to get anything done. By the time the boys are in bed and the kitchen is cleaned up, I have just about done everything I can for the day. I watch an hour or so of TV with my sister and then head off to bed, only to be invariably woken an hour or two later to attend to one of the boys... and so it begins again.

In February, I'm counting on better sleep, unless our 2-year molars decide to show up early (there's been a lot of chewing on fingers this week). I will definitely have to do some kind of modified sleep training for Shoghi, who has reverted back to his persistent, angry wakings of a year ago. Plus, I have got to get rid of his nighttime bottle once and for all... and so the story goes.

we discovered planes this month: "A PLANE!!"

I'm glad to leave the stress of January behind, and look forward to this month which will bring a visit from my parents. Be well, Internet friendlies!

newton's law applies to toddlers

A toddler in motion will tend to stay in motion...

Life is so fast-paced these days, especially since we're in our second week of trying to transition to one nap. Today, for example, Shoghi had one 30-minute nap in the car from 9:45 to 10:15, and Max slept at home from 10:20-11. By 2pm I had two desperately tired, uncoordinated, biting, whining, hungry children who didn't want to eat in their exhausted state. No opportunity for a second nap though, since we then had to go see the pediatrician for an official diagnosis of impetigo.

The boys are now in bed (it's 6:31 and they are already asleep), and after this long day (on top of about 3 weeks with an average of 4 hours of sleep for me) I'm about ready to collapse. I'm thinking an 8 o'clock bedtime is in order.

down to one

Hey, thanks for all the birthday wishes! It was such a lovely day, and your kind words went straight to my heart!

It's been such a hectic time here. Napping has been way off for both the little fellas, with Max showing clear signs that he just won't sleep for more than a combined 11-12 hours per 24 hours. My ability to get stuff done for Bamboo Village was seriously diminished by having many days in a row of absolutely no alone time as the boys were snoozing at different times, not to mention being able to achieve the basics of, oh, you know... minor things like washing diapers or cooking meals.

Finally I decided three days ago that it's time to switch from two naps a day to one... or at least try it and see what happens. It's unfortunate for little Shoghurt, or "sho-du" as Max calls him -- he's a very happy sleeper, and adores his morning and afternoon nods.


So far, it's going fairly well. Max still hasn't had a day of napping for more than 90 minutes, and is still waking up between 5 and 6am, much to my dismay. Today we made morning stops at two friend's homes, and by 11am when we got home for lunch, Shoghi just couldn't make it a second longer. Laurie and I laughed hysterical but sympathetic bursts while the little fella struggled to keep his eyes open... we tried jiggling him, feeding him, standing him up on his feet, but his eyes kept rolling, and finally he dropped off to dreamland while I was changing his diaper. It was so pathetically funny. I was very bummed that my camera was without batteries! It was super sweet.


So, now that our visits with family and friends are over until my parents come in February (we can hardly wait!), I'm trying to get the house back in order, pack some things for our upcoming move, keep these active boys entertained, and tend to my lovely Bamboo Village. I even managed to post over there today about some of the creative projects in the works, as well as some brief words on the challenges of doing this with the boys under foot.

differentiation

When you have twins, you're gonna get questions. Starting when you're pregnant, people feel very comfortable stopping you to chat about your size, how you became pregnant with twins (does it run the family?), and how you're going to cope. After the babies arrive, the questions - and comments - continue.

Are they twins?
How do you do it?
A boy and a girl?
Oh, that's double trouble!
You must be really busy!

They stop me while shopping to chat, they ask personal questions about my pregnancy, the boys' conception, and make guesses about their personalities. They want the boys to smile, and wave, and say "hi." They guess at who is older, which I find ridiculous because they're basing their guess on the fact that Shoghi is bigger - as if being a minute older than your twin would contribute somehow to your size??

I try to use this as an opportunity to connect with people - to stop for a moment and breathe, and remind myself that in our busy society, most of the time we don't even look at each other, nevermind stop to chat with strangers. I want to model openness and patience to my children. I want them to learn to offer a friendly smile when people bend down to talk to them.

Sept 2009

Sometimes, though, the questions and comments are less welcome. When I am running to enter a restaurant in the pouring rain, with one toddler in a carrier tied to my front, and the other in my arms on my hip, with my bag falling off my shoulder and rain dripping down my face, it would be nice if they'd just offer to help - to get the door or even hold a baby - rather than smiling and offering a mere "you've got your hands full".

playing together at Oxbow Park

Starting this summer, some have begun to ask me how close in age the boys are. When I say "one minute apart," they stare at me blankly before I add "they're twins." "Really?" they balk. "Yes, twins. They're fraternal, so it's just like two brothers in a family - except that they developed at the same time." "Wow, they look so difffffffferent," they say, not in an altogether kind way. Now that they've got a year under their belts, and their teeny-tinyness is gone, Shoghi and Max are obviously different. Shoghi is much bigger - two weeks ago, he weighed nearly 25 pounds, while Max was just hitting 20. Shoghi is about 3" taller than his twin. Max has straight, reddish hair and brown eyes, and Shoghi's got sandy, wavy hair and gray eyes. Max wears a size smaller in clothes and shoes, and soon, diapers, too, as I'm afraid I'm going to have to buy size large cloth diapers for Shoghi in the next couple of months.

Forest Hills Park, September

But there's one more question I've been hearing a lot lately... and it's one that sits so strangely with me that even as people continue to ask, I continue to not know how to respond. Complete strangers ask me if Shoghi has Down's Syndrome. In fact, it's been happening enough that we'll be seeing his pediatrician to find out conclusively. You know, it's been quite a meditation for me. If he does have this chromosomal abnormality, he will still be exactly my same Shoghi. We will just know something different about him - albeit something that may have siginificant implications. My perception will have to shift, my expectations for how I will parent him may have to be altered. But in a way,that's just the life of a parent anyway - personalities, temperaments, learning abilities and styles, physical strengths and weaknesses... sicknesses and diagnoses; they all come with the territory.

But there's that part of me that's always hurt. Why are people asking me this? Even more - why do they think it's ok to ask me? Maybe it's the shape of his eyes. Our donor is Bolivian - maybe AmerIndian. Shoghi's eye shape has never seemed strange to me. In fact, he actually looks a lot like I did when I was his age. But still, having people ask me if my son has a possibly life-altering medical condition is - to say the least - uncomfortable. I hate that strangers make assumptions about my children, and while it's just a normal part of being a parent to discover that people do this, it has come as something of a shock. Why is it ok to ask something like that about a baby? Is it alright if I turn back to the same woman and ask if she is in menopause?

Shoghi

Just as I'm sure I'd have loved to have identical twins, I really adore the experience of having fraternal twins. It is an endless source of fun to have two such different children developing side by side. Whatever their similarities, whatever their differences, I am just so grateful to have them.

*top photo by Amy Crawford Photography

baby fave foods

At 11 months old (gasp! their 11-mo bday was yesterday!), the twinnies are eating a ton of foods! Admittedly, I've been leaning a little too heavily on fruits, so their enthusiasm for veggies is a little less than I'd like it to be, but all-in-all, eating is progressing quickly and with lots of fun and smiles. In just another month, I'll be making two huge changes by adding egg whites and switching the boys to cow's milk from formula. I have to say, I'm very glad our time of using formula is coming to a close; it just is too weighty emotionally for me. Not only does it serve as a constant reminder that I never could breastfeed them exclusively, it's also a sadness in that I just couldn't afford to continue giving them Earth's Best (or as we call it, Earth's Most Expensive). I hate to think of the garbage that's in the formula we use, what with all the corn, soy, and GMOs. It will be nice to serve them something as simple as a little organic milk.

The boys love to eat off our plates, so if we eat with them, it's inevitably one bite for mama, a bite for the twins!

The first meal we all shared as a family continues to be a staple. Split pea soup with yam and ginger is a favorite, especially when Laurie makes us some fresh bread to go along with it. She's even been making it with flax meal to replace the egg so the boys can eat it! Here's the recipe, in case you're looking for a savory, delicious soup that can also serve as one of your baby's early foods:

Yam & Split Pea Soup with Ginger

2c dried split peas (green is my preference)
3 medium yams or sweet potatoes, diced
3 leeks, diced
2T fresh grated or minced ginger
4 celery stalks, diced
3 carrots, diced
1t salt
3T Bragg's Aminos or soy sauce
1/8t cayenne pepper

Place all ingredients except cayenne pepper in large pot or crock pot, and cover to 2" above veggies with water or stock. Cover and bring to a boil. Turn down heat and simmer for 2 hours or until all the ingredients are soft. Serve as-is or blend to create a smoother soup.

***

Since Laurie went back to work, managing the household needs has become a big challenge for both of us. We all need to have easy, delicious foods prepped and ready, and finding the time to do that has been hard. A couple of weeks ago, I used the time with my sitter to grocery shop and cook several meals, and that's what I have on tap for today, too. Last time, I made a crock pot chicken, riboletta soup, the split pea soup above, Rachel Ray's mac & cheese with butternut squash, and since it was Laurie's birthday, I also made the delicious Shanghai Ham she loves so much - all in just 4 hours. I doubt I'll be quite that accomplished today, but I do hope to make at least 3 dishes, including the mac and cheese. I'm not sure what the other two will be yet, but I'm thinking dalh, some kind of casserole with whole grains and lots of veggies, and maybe a big pot of oatmeal cooked with fruits and a little cinnamon. Better make room in the freezer!

Shoghi taking a first bite of rice pasta.

What are your favorite whole foods recipes that both your babies and the rest of your family loves?

health department

Shoghi has had a cough since at least last November - maybe longer. I kept asking about it, first at the naturopath, then several times at our visits to the pediatrician. They checked him out, but there were no signs of asthma or pneumonia, but still the cough persisted. It's possible that we're going to have a little gap in health insurance starting in September, so I thought it was time to get to the bottom of it.

We started with three possibilities: airway irritation, reflux, or a swallowing disorder causing him to inhale some of his food/milk/saliva. As you know, we had a long battle with reflux when he was tiny - it was so bad right after I brought him home that the acid was causing him to choke. Formula or breastmilk would pour out of his nose, and he would and stop breathing - he was re-admitted to the NICU where he was diagnosed, then he came home with an apnea monitor so that I could sleep without fear that he would choke. He stayed on the zantac until this winter, and I hadn't noticed any changes after discontinuing it, so I didn't really think it was going to be reflux that was causing the cough.

Last month, we decided to rule out the airway irritation issue with a two-week trial of albuterol. Wow, that was fun. Changing squirmy Shoghi's diaper or clothes is already a sweat-inducing workout these days - getting him to allow me to hold a mask over his nose and mouth while I pumped out 2 puffs of the inhaler, and then holding it on for 10 seconds... well, that was pretty much a nightmare. I persisted, though, and his cough did not improve. Back to the drawing board.

So, last week, I brought Shoghi to the hospital to see a speech therapist to determine if he has a awallowing issue. Sure enough, for the first time, he coughed in front of one of our doctors while 1) drinking his bottle, 2) eating pureed foods, and 3) munching some cheerios. I actually haven't noticed an increase in coughing while he's eating, so I was very surprised and grateful that he "performed" for the doctor to see. The doc took it all in stride and told us it would be best to return for a barrium swallow - a radiological procedure that takes a live x-ray video of him eating, drinking, and most importantly, swallowing. We went in yesterday, and sure enough, you could see some of his milk back right down his airway while he drank!

So, of all the things that could have been causing this cough, it's (in my opinion) the best one. This little issue can be fixed by thickening up his milk for a while with, of all things, baby food bananas. He didn't have that inhalation issue with any of the foods, so it's that simple - thicken up his milk, and give him a few weeks like this, and his airway shoudl re-sensitize itself. I should start to notice less coughing overall, as he will re-learn how to swallow in a way that won't allow milk, or other liquids like saliva, to enter his trachea. When we come back from Massachusetts, we'll go back to the doctor, and by then we should be able to start decreasing the thickness of his milk. Voila!

I'm really grateful that it's this simple. After listening to the poor kid cough for so many months, it's good to know what the source of it is, and know that there's a simple fix.