all summer in a day

All this rain. Day after day. A break, a brief break, and then... more rain.

OK, I know. We in the PNW should be prepared for this. All the green, all the gorgeous moss that hangs from these grand Ponderosa pine trees... it wouldn't be here but for the rain.



If I didn't have kids, I probably wouldn't care. I'd curl up with a nice book and a warm cuppa and enjoy the humid, saturated air. But with kids? With two toddlers??? It's insane. Crazy. Impossible to tolerate.


Yesterday we had a day of sunshine, and I couldn't help but be transported back to my junior high days, when we read All Summer in a Day. Did you read it, too? Or see the film? The children pouring out of the barracks, soaking up the sun for the one day it would shine in their, what, lifetime? It has felt like that this spring.




Although, I will say, I am proud to send my boys out in their rain pants and raincoats to romp in our backyard jungle even when it is raining.

the day after the sun...

blossoms blooming and melting...

Shoghi, as the rain suddenly falls:

harvesting

Since returning to Portland, Laurie and I have been in a little bit of a mad dash to gather up some more of the amazing fruits of the Pacific Northwest for our winter pantry. Since we almost completely filled our freezer with blueberries, marionberries, and blackberries in June and July, we had to expand our reach and try out canning. On Tuesday, we met after work and took the boys out to Sauvie Island Farm to pick basil and late season blackberries.

While Laurie and I took turns picking and watching the boys, they reached for every berry at arm's length, munching on berries in all stages of ripeness. They had fun, and so did we!




While we were out there, we also got 20 pounds of peaches, and a bunch of bartlett pears. Yesterday we combined our efforts and juggled watching the boys with putting up the goods. We did 9 pints of pesto and 7 quarts of peaches in a light syrup.


Aside from how hard it was to do this with two toddlers under foot, I was impressed at how quickly we managed to get it all done. The canning itself was as easy as Korin has always promised.

The boys absolutely love the pesto, and will gobble down an entire peach if given the opportinuty. After having fresh pesto with penne last night for dinner, the boys and I had scrambled eggs with pesto and tomatoes this morning for breakfast. I just love that they are into eating such great foods!!

working backward and looking forward

Well, well, well. We are back in Portland, and boy do I have a lot of catching up to do! I think I'm going to work in reverse to catch you all up.


So, first of all, jet lag and one-year-olds.... SUCKS!!! When we traveled from West to East, it worked out really, really well - a very early morning and a long day of travel actually resulted in a very short adjustment time for the boys. Of course, it was also nice to have them wake up at 8am instead of 5am! Coming back, though, has been really rough. By the time we left MA, the boys were regularly waking at 6am, so that meant that in Oregon they have been really thrown off. Keeping them up until 7pm has been pretty tough, because of course their little bodies still feel like it's 10pm! Just two days after arriving in Portland, though, Max is back to sleeping only 10 hours, the stubborn little guy, meaning that he was up and ready to go at 5am today. This is my ongoing struggle - putting them to bed at 8 is just too late. I need some down time, and evenings are long and hard as it is. But the fact that I cannot get Max to sleep for more than 10 hours just kills me every day!!

I think I'll put up a seperate post about flying with twin 1-year olds. It was an adventure both going to MA and returning. VERY different than flying with them last December. As with all things baby (especially twin babies), creativity, perserverence, and a sense of humor, even if dark, came in very handy.


We had the most wonderful visit, though. Four weeks of time with my parents, Memmae and Popi, meant that they got to experience lots of our routine and many new accomplishments on the part of both boys. They really bonded with them, and I can tell that part of the difficulty for them in settling back down at home has been separation from their grandparents.

***

Getting back to Portland is fraught with meaning for me as a mama. The last month closed my first year as a mother, and also brought to an end the time I had set aside to be staying at home with the boys. Financially, I can't swing it anymore. We're losing our private health insurance this month, and I haven't been able to find the time to grow my business to the point where I'm making enough regular money. It's all ok - I have room to be flexible and deal with these changes and challenges, but it means that I am going to have to find reserves of energy, clear thought, frugality, and patience in deeper places than I have yet had to search.

the birth day mama and her boys

The next few months loom in front of me and seem to be a kind of proving ground for me as a single mother to my beautiful sons. I face the reality that I will be spending less and less time with them at a point in their development when they are learning, changing, and accomplishing new things every day. I will certainly miss many of their milestones in the moment of unfolding. I fear the sadness I will feel on days when I spend time with them only in the hardest hours of their day, and when I think of them growing more attached to other care givers, I feel both happy for their expanded world of people who love them and loss at having to share their precious daily hours with someone else.

When I was 21 and in my first marriage, I started trying to have children. Fifteen years, three relationships, countless pregnancy tests, 12 cities, three languages, a Bachelor's Degree, hours and hours of therapy, yoga, meditation, self-reflection, and a complete re-orientation of my life later, I am a mother. Everything in that list except becoming a mom seems now to just have been stepping stones - secondary to the drive and deep, consuming desire to be raising children. To say I wouldn't change a thing wouldn't be true - I don't think I have fully come to terms with all of the loss I endured over those long, heartbreaking years - but to finally be living my dream of having children is miracuous, and is the source of rivers and oceans of gratitude.

The next chapter to unfold is the one where I get to continue to co-create a family with the boys and - for now - my sister, and it's also the part where I get to dream up and realize the contribution I want to make through my career. I have just become aware of how I put aside getting clear about my vocation in my quest to be a mother - how exciting (and scary) that I can now begin to hone in on my talents, my strengths, and the unique way I can give back to this world through my work. I have walked in enough shoes, worked a great variety of jobs, and seen myself succeed in diverse situations to know that if I can just empty my mind of fear and expectation, I can and will discover my calling that is ready to emerge from within. It will be when I find that familiar excitement and joy that I will know I am on the right track.

And so we go on. I'll try in the upcoming posts to catch you up on the last month, and hope you'll share your own victories and inspirations with me as I knuckle down in the months to come. I'm glad to have this place to try to make sense of it all.

we get by with a little help

My experience of infertility over the course of 15 years and two marriages is no secret. I started posting on mothering.com/discussions in the ttc (trying to conceive) forums way back in early 2004, and found there a community of amazing women seeking to fulfill their dreams of family. Many of them ended up falling into the range of "normal" - conceiving within a year of beginning to try. Many others ended up taking paths that required a great deal of sacrifice, laying their bodies and finances and emotions on the line for months and years on end. Most of us have ended up with at least one child, while some found that they began to resonate more with life without children or simply had to move on from the very draining process of long-term ttc.

The best part of the story of those days of connecting with the "mdc" mamas is that it resulted in some tremendous friendships. Some people have found these incredible connections through the blogging world, and certainly it was because of my participation there that I began blogging back in 2004. Five years later, the core group of women who found ourselves supporting, celebrating, grieving and waiting with each other is still connected. I see comments here from several old friends that I don't otherwise connect with, I get to follow the blogs of some others, and a handful of these special friends remain people I consider the inner circle of the people in my life. I find constant amazement in the fact that in this online world that would at first pass seem rather annonymous, I have gained some of the best friends of my life.

One of these friends is mentioned here often. I connected with Korin at the very end of her IVF cycle back in those early days on mdc. She became mercifully pregnant with a child who has added sparkle and wonder to our lives for the past three years. Ruby is as much an older sister the boys will likely ever have, and they adore her.

Korin and Ruby

As you know, Korin is the friend who, when I said I was considering leaving my marriage and pursuing getting pregnant on my own said: "Do it. Move out here to Oregon, stay with me and my family, and live the life you are longing for." She is the kind of person who does this, who makes tremendous sacrifice and gives wholly of herself for her friends, on a regular basis. She, Ryan, and Ruby not only shared their home with me while I was pregnant, they sheltered me and my twins for months after their birth, opening a space for us to become a family. The ways and extent of her support is truly indescribable.

Korin, me, and Laurie, in the moments before my c-section.
Korin was the person who sat by my head for the entire surgery, coaching me, crying with me, and sharing the moment of my children's births along with my sister.

Korin doing kangaroo care in the NICU with Shoghi.

Korin and Ryan have been trying for another child for about six months. You can read about that journey on Korin's blog here. Right now the important point is that they are at a point where they have had to decide to do another fresh IVF cycle, a costly, invasive, emotionally and physically intense series of procedures that we all pray will result in another child (or two!). I am happy and humbled to say that another online friend has started a fundraiser, with the hopes of raising the majority of the money this amazing couple will need to pursue adding another child to their family.

If you are a knitter, or need a fabulous gift for a knitter friend, please consider joining us in supporting Korin and her family. Lousli is conducting a raffle with fabulous prizes, including several sets of my sister Laurie's knit kitty hand-printed cards. Lousli's etsy shop is also donating all profits this month to the cause.

hand-dyed yarn from Lesley's shop

knit kitty cards

The greatest good of this blogging community is our ability to make connections and support each other in an increasingly fast and disconnected world. I hope you'll help me pay it forward and join in. Just think, you could be a part of creation, part of the fulfillment of a dream. Every time that future baby smiles, you will have been a part of a sacred moment.

here and there

We have been mighty busy this past week! We had to catch up with household chores that had been neglected during our parents' visit, and I have started working from home in earnest. We also had social calls - our twin friends S and S had their first birthday party last Sunday, and yesterday we drove 50 miles to our south to visit the Wooden Shoe Tulip Festival with our other friends M & L.

It is so much fun to accompany Shoghi and Max as they discover their world. We can now plop them down in the grass and hang out while they explore. It's brilliant! They had such a blast people-watching at the birthday party - there was a stream of kids bringing them toys, and twins S&S were cruising around, too. Cuteness was everywhere!

The big one year olds in their adorable matchy outfits!

Maxy takes it all in while he explores some new toys.

A little gaggle of kiddos.

Our trip to the Tulip Festival really couldn't have been better. We had full, beautiful sun (resulting in very bleachy photos), gorgeous flowers, three happy babies, a curious and delightful four-year-old, and three adults who couldn't have been happier about exploring acres of blooming tulips. Even the food at this tourist attraction was satisfactory, though our poor little friend was pretty crushed that they didn't have any allergy-friendly ice cream selections.

i think something's wrong with my camera - so many bleached photos!
here are Lanny, Moon, Max and Shoghi posing by the irrigation system in the tall grass.

me with the boys

Moon, jumping.

Max, flirting with Moon

The boys have grown at an incredible rate over the past six weeks or so. Whereas their drawers were packed with 6-month clothes and even some 3-month pants back in March, we've had to clear out clothes in at least two rounds recently! Max is up to wearing 6 and 9-month outfits, and Shoghi is wearing 9- and 12-month clothes! It's strange to have them in different sizes - it's just another way they are their own little people. Max has those chubby cheeks, and continues to be mistaken for the heavier baby, even while Shoghi is probably 2 pounds heavier by now! Here they are in 12-month outfits given to them by my former colleagues - I thought they would like to see them in their fancy boy duds. These are probably the most boyish things they have! :o) I must say, I've become a sucker for the coordinating outfits.

Their 9-month well baby visit is scheduled for the 11th, so I'll be sure to give you their new stats after that visit.

***
Just a last note: A friend of mine has declared a Self Nurture Challenge, and I'm jumping on the band wagon. Among the things I did to nurture myself today were going to the chiropractor (all three of us got adjusted, hooray!), and I made a point of drinking a lot more water than I have been getting. I know a lot of twin nursing mamas drink about a gallon a day, but I've been on a little of a coffee kick in the past sleep-deprived months, and my water intake has suffered. I feel so much better when I'm well hydrated! Oh, and this also lets you all know that I'm still nursing! Despite my seeming block on posting about nursing and eating, both boys continue to enjoy nursing many times a day. Hooray for us!

Wander on over to her blog and let her know how you nurture yourself! Better yet, let us both know!

Cheers!

30 minutes

Every other day, I get to have someone take me out of my room in a wheelchair for a half an hour. Precious, precious time to fill my lungs and achy sinuses with fresh air. Here are some photos from Sunday, when Laurie, Korin, and daughter R were all here. Don't tell anyone I was standing!

the past week

from Sunday, 28w3d

refreshing shower? yes! stiff upper lip? not so much.

flowers from mom and dad

this is the printout from a non-stress test. the two lines on the top are the traces of the babies' hearts, and the line at the bottom shows any contractions of the uterus (none!)

3 belts: a fetal heart monitor for each baby, and the contraction monitor for me.

compression "boots" to avoid blood clots in the legs

hydration & communication, and rescue remedy

supportive friends.
Korin, me, my awesome nurse/friend R, and my amazing sister behind the camera.

borrowed from an email

It's Monday, and we've got ANOTHER day of full sun on tap (temps in the 70s) and it feels blissful! Over the weekend, (Friday) Laurie, Korin and I went out for Pho and then went to see Prince Caspian, then (Saturday) Laurie, Korin, Ruby and I went to the Rhododendron Garden, ate at a brilliant restaurant called Old Wives Tale, and then went to Mt. Tabor to hang out while Ruby played, then (Sunday) Laurie and I hung out here at Steve and Maria's, went to the Hillsdale Farmer's Market, made some Persian rice for lunch, and generally sat around and recovered from Saturday. Saturday was way too much for me, and I ended up having what I finally recognize to be Braxton Hicks contractions - a lot of them. The cure: lots of water and rest (duh).

Tracy commented in her blog that her twins are more active at the movies, and for sure, Zeus and Oden kicked and squirmed their way through Prince Caspian. Oden was also grooving to the beat last night while Maria played her banjo next to me out on the patio. It's so neat to feel them reacting to the environment!

Tomorrow I'm taking Laurie out to Cannon Beach and Oswald for her birthday - this will no doubt be my last road trip before the babies come.... indeed, my last trip until they're a few months old, when we fly back East to visit friends and family in MA and PA!


Last week, I busied myself with finding some of my "necessary" baby stuff on craigslist, etc. I scored a tandem nursing pillow for $20 (usually over $50), and then last night I won an eBay auction and got my stroller - the exact one I've been wanting. I paid under $300, while the new ones go for over $800! I also did some more splurgey buying, when I found these kimono shirts. In addition, I hit 2 consignment shops, where I scored a few super cute outfits. The sad thing is, I've paid less for brand new things when I find them on clearance... Portland has an enormous number of resale shops, but boy, the prices for used seem pretty high to me! What do I know, though... I'm still barely even a novice at this stuff!

I just spent this morning unpacking, cataloging and washing baby gear. I had no idea what I had already, so I took a cue from all the Virgos in my life and started a spreadsheet! I thought I had a ton of stuff, but now that it's all divvied up between the wee sizes between newborn and 12 months, I realize I will definitely need more stuff! Fortunately Amanda (who had her twin baby girls over the weekend!) sent me a spreadsheet of recommended gear for twin tots, so I'll have that to go on, at least.


I'm glad I started on this now, actually. This week, I'll get some big ziplock storage and divide up the things I have by size, and then pack it back in the box for the next move. I've got the time and energy to get this stuff done now, so I might as well take advantage. Besides, it makes the fact that I'm soon going to have my boys in my arms all that more real, which is so very exciting, I can barely stand it.