we get by with a little help

My experience of infertility over the course of 15 years and two marriages is no secret. I started posting on mothering.com/discussions in the ttc (trying to conceive) forums way back in early 2004, and found there a community of amazing women seeking to fulfill their dreams of family. Many of them ended up falling into the range of "normal" - conceiving within a year of beginning to try. Many others ended up taking paths that required a great deal of sacrifice, laying their bodies and finances and emotions on the line for months and years on end. Most of us have ended up with at least one child, while some found that they began to resonate more with life without children or simply had to move on from the very draining process of long-term ttc.

The best part of the story of those days of connecting with the "mdc" mamas is that it resulted in some tremendous friendships. Some people have found these incredible connections through the blogging world, and certainly it was because of my participation there that I began blogging back in 2004. Five years later, the core group of women who found ourselves supporting, celebrating, grieving and waiting with each other is still connected. I see comments here from several old friends that I don't otherwise connect with, I get to follow the blogs of some others, and a handful of these special friends remain people I consider the inner circle of the people in my life. I find constant amazement in the fact that in this online world that would at first pass seem rather annonymous, I have gained some of the best friends of my life.

One of these friends is mentioned here often. I connected with Korin at the very end of her IVF cycle back in those early days on mdc. She became mercifully pregnant with a child who has added sparkle and wonder to our lives for the past three years. Ruby is as much an older sister the boys will likely ever have, and they adore her.

Korin and Ruby

As you know, Korin is the friend who, when I said I was considering leaving my marriage and pursuing getting pregnant on my own said: "Do it. Move out here to Oregon, stay with me and my family, and live the life you are longing for." She is the kind of person who does this, who makes tremendous sacrifice and gives wholly of herself for her friends, on a regular basis. She, Ryan, and Ruby not only shared their home with me while I was pregnant, they sheltered me and my twins for months after their birth, opening a space for us to become a family. The ways and extent of her support is truly indescribable.

Korin, me, and Laurie, in the moments before my c-section.
Korin was the person who sat by my head for the entire surgery, coaching me, crying with me, and sharing the moment of my children's births along with my sister.

Korin doing kangaroo care in the NICU with Shoghi.

Korin and Ryan have been trying for another child for about six months. You can read about that journey on Korin's blog here. Right now the important point is that they are at a point where they have had to decide to do another fresh IVF cycle, a costly, invasive, emotionally and physically intense series of procedures that we all pray will result in another child (or two!). I am happy and humbled to say that another online friend has started a fundraiser, with the hopes of raising the majority of the money this amazing couple will need to pursue adding another child to their family.

If you are a knitter, or need a fabulous gift for a knitter friend, please consider joining us in supporting Korin and her family. Lousli is conducting a raffle with fabulous prizes, including several sets of my sister Laurie's knit kitty hand-printed cards. Lousli's etsy shop is also donating all profits this month to the cause.

hand-dyed yarn from Lesley's shop

knit kitty cards

The greatest good of this blogging community is our ability to make connections and support each other in an increasingly fast and disconnected world. I hope you'll help me pay it forward and join in. Just think, you could be a part of creation, part of the fulfillment of a dream. Every time that future baby smiles, you will have been a part of a sacred moment.

34 weeks

Shoghi on left, Maxwell on right

Gestational age, that is. Today marks 34 weeks of life, and tomorrow marks two weeks since my beautiful boys were born.

Today, they are both at least a half a pound heavier than their birth weight, and continue to thrive as expected. They're heartbreakingly dear to me, and it just kills me to leave them every day. After speaking with the doctor today, it's clear that the plan remains the same as it was when they were first born: they will probably stay in the hospital until about 36 weeks gestational age. A terrible thought for their poor mama.

You might think that after all I went through to keep the boys on board for 4 extra weeks, combined with their exceptional health status, I'd just be filled with gratitude and patience, and happily go along with this plan... but honestly, though I am of course very, very grateful for this set of circumstances, it is one of the most painful things I've endured to leave my sweet boys in the hospital day after day. I worry about them when I'm not there, and worry about whether our separation during this sacred time that's supposed to be our time to bond with each other will impact our relationship long term. It might not be the most rational thought, but it haunts me and fills me with deep sadness.

Here, in lieu of photos of my own, are some blog posts that will melt your heart, featuring of course, dear Shoghi and darling Maxwell. (if you're the weepy type, make sure to grab a tissue or two)

And since I'm finishing this post on their second week birth day, I send my most profoundly loving and tender thoughts their way on this clear, bright morning. Love doesn't even describe how I feel for you, my sweet, beautiful boys.

Laurie's blog: back to work

Korin's blog: dear universe

Laurie's blog: nice to meet you

Maxwell, last Friday, celebrating one week