just quickly

laurie's got some cute new photos up on flickr!

today's the boy's four month birthday, and i've got to admit it, i have no time for a thoughtful post. maybe after they go to sleep tonight, and after i clean up, make bottles and lact-aids, eat dinner, pay bills and write a couple more birth announcements. can it still be called an announcement four months after the fact???

these cuter-than-cute booties are just one of the many, many handmade
things the boys have at their little finger and toe tips...

On My Own

So, you've noticed the new header? Well, I had a hard time deciding on the wording, there. I don't think I ever posted much of an introduction here... many of the people reading followed me from my infertility blog or are family, so I sort of bypassed the whole thing. I didn't want to change my profile, since I use the same one for my blog for Bamboo Village Educational Fund, even though that is wildly out of date and I'm not exactly sure when I'm going to be able to get back into it. So, I wanted to say something about who I am and what this blog is about in the header.

The first and probably more obvious choice would be to call myself a single mother. The associations and assumptions that come with that couple of words, however, isn't any way I regard myself, even though for all intents and purposes I am single.

Finally, I settled on "on my own." Ultimately, I am the only parent the boys have, so in that sense, the phrase is entirely accurate... Except that I find myself in a situation where I am surrounded by the most wonderful, miraculously supportive group of family and friends I have ever experienced.

Since moving to Portland in May, I have been invited to stay with friends - and since late June, those friends have been Korin and Ryan. They have opened their home and their lives to me and the babies and my sister. They have sacrificed their own daily rhythm in order to help me first get through my pregnancy, and then adjust to the demands of caring for Maxwell and Shoghi.
It was Korin who took me to the hospital at 1am when my water broke at 28 weeks. They have held my crying babies, nurtured me into motherhood, prepared meals, washed clothes, guided me in cloth diapering and nursing, and so very much more. Their families have embraced and loved us. Their patience and magnanimity have given us a shelter in which to become a family. How could one possibly convey the depth of gratitude that comes with receiving such a gift?

Korin stayed with me during the c-section while Laurie went with the boys.

Ryan with Shoghi in th NICU

Korin, multitasking w/her daughter and Shoghi

here we all are: Ryan, Korin, Ruby, me, Shoghi, Laurie & Maxwell

Even before moving out here, one key relationship gave me daily support and championed my dream of being a mom: the relationship between me and my little sister, Laurie. After separating from my husband in October, Laurie moved in with me and was with me through every step of becoming a mom, from chosing a donor, to being with me for ultrasounds and comforting me at times when it looked doubtful that the pregnancy would continue. She and I would discuss hopes and dreams for hours, watching and listening to inspirational movies, books on CD, and songs. She packed my apartment and stepped out of her comfort zone to support me countless times. When it was clear that I wouldn't be able to make it on the cross-country drive we'd planned for months, she didn't make me feel guilty - instead she made arrangements to do the trip with a friend. After arriving in Oregon, her love and support became as much a part of my experience of becoming a mother as my own gestation and birthing of the boys.

She was the first person other than doctors to meet Shoghi and Maxwell, and she got to be the one to read to them their very first prayers - which would be the first words they heard after being born.

Laurie, right after the boys were born, in the rescussitation room.

Laurie is a core part of their lives and the gift she has given us by being a part of this process will surely cement a love between her and the boys that will have an unmatched intimacy.

A day in the life... Laurie in the background with Max.

This is really only the base level of support I have received. Even my husband, who I remain separated from, has been incredibly supportive of me becoming a mother. He has gifted us with continued health insurance, which is only symbolic of the way he has gracefully and selflessly supported my choice to bring these boys into the world. My brother, my parents, my grandparents... they have all showered our little family with support.

My brother Simon, holding Shoghi on his first visit, in September.

Dad & Mom, aka Popi and Memere, in October with the boys.

My mum w/the twins.

I am also surrounded by the most amazing communities of friends - they believed in me and in this life at times when I never thought it would happen. Jennie; Melanie; Julie; Elizabeth B.; Atika; Doula Jessica; friends at CU ink; the amazing women from my baby shower; dear ones Hilary, Miriam, Jo, Kelly; Beemama; Wise Women Devon, Kate, Hilary, Zannalyn, River, Melanie, Sphinxie... friends who have sent cards and gifts and well-wishes and prayers... the list is so long, it overwhelms me! I love you all!!!

"On my own," then, doesn't at all describe my life. I am beyond grateful for this experience and the sense of abundance and possiblity that has blossomed in my awareness. I know that even if I am always and forever the sole parent for Shoghi and Maxwell, that we will always have an ocean of love and community around us.

candles and beads from my due date group used in my birth blessing.

favorite things, or survival tactics

"stay awake" sung by julie andrews... i set this song on repeat, and 9 times out of 10 am rewarded with sleeping babies. it also prolongs naps, but it may wear on adult listeners! my boys really respond to music - this one song in particular.

back pillow - makes all the difference in nursing, rocking, sleeping sitting up, and giving bottles in bed. i just got one like this

baby carriers - for easy-on and off, we all love the kangaroo korner fleece pouch. for carrying two, or for a more supportive fit, we love our sleepy wrap.

snap n go stroller - i got a single and love it. easy to push with one hand, light, easy to put together. i push one babe and sling the other.

pacifiers. ugh, i never thought i'd be a binkie pusher, but also never thought i'd have twins. after a month in the nicu, they're hooked, and i have to admit, they're helping me maintain some semblance of sanity.

diapers... well, it goes without saying, right? but i have to say, pampers swaddlers win hands down over huggies, which have leaked every time i've used them. far more preferable are our cloth diapers, and my faves so far are very baby - thanks, Miriam!

people who help! ha, ha... i've never been so eager to say YES to offers for help. i've been so lucky to have an amazing core of supporters, and every day i thank my lucky stars for them and for a very generous fellow twin mama, who has been dropping off bags of wonderful food every week. there are a host of others who, between their delicious foods, visits, and baby clothes gifts, have made such a difference! from afar, emails and cards welcoming the boys and offering moral support have been so touching and wonderful.

ok, babies waking - gotta go!!

apnea countdown, continued

All day long, I agonized over my last post... I don't like to complain too much about my experience, and yet again, I'd like to paint a realistic picture of what this has been like for me, for us. I'd like to think that someday, I will be able to take what I've learned here and help someone else get through their own NICU circumstances. If that's a little too ambitious, then maybe more simply, I'd just like to be able to record my experience, for myself, for my boys, for my family and friends. That experience, like many others life brings, is shaped with so many facets of emotion and thought.

These days, I don't have much time to process, or to think out how to say things. I'm weary by the time I get home from the hospital at night, and if I use the computer at all, it's to quickly check email, then to edit photos, and lastly, to put up a blog post. Then of course I also have to pump for the boys, as soon as possible after I get home, then again before bed, and if I'm lucky enough to drag myself out of bed at 3 or 4 in the morning and again at 6. It's hard to get up and sit alone in a room with a breast pump in the wee hours of the morning... I'm assuring myself that while it will still be hard when the boys are home, their cries and hunger will leave me no choice, and so it will be in some way easier. At the very least, I will be interacting with my children, and not a bunch of plastic parts. You know what I mean.

As the boys have become more alert, I've been looking for some simple
black and white "toys" for them to look at. This morning, Laurie brought
over this beautiful mobile she made just for the boys.

max, enthralled.

Anyway, this leads me to my dilemma about my post from last night... and my perhaps dramatic way of requesting that people not remind me to see the silver lining. I don't necessarily have a clear thought about how I should have written it differently, but the alternative would have been for me to write nothing at all, and I'd rather be able to just put out an emotional plea that comes from a slightly irrational state.

Last night I didn't tell the whole story. The whole story would have included the part where I got to the hospital and was told that they both had had apnea spells, but there was no documentation of the spells except in the computer... and the artifacting from the heart and respiratory leads can look like a spell where none had actually occurred. In other words, the night nurse had made no notes of intervention, which is very, very unlikely in the case of an actual apnea event that would have lasted over 30 seconds. I never was able to get an answer as to what had happened or if the spells had been authentic, leading to some rather profound frustration at the idea that they might be spending extra time in the hospital when they could safely be home with me.

Today, Max & Shoghi had their carseat tolerance tests -
which sits them in their seats for 90 minutes to see if they
have any apnea spells at this angle.
Both boys passed, but Shoghi will go home in a car bed,
since he is too small for the carseat.

Today's request, then, is rather different... it's a request to simply be with me, with us, through this next phase of the countdown, without congratulations or too much excitement. Today, the doctor told me that, barring any issues, Shoghi and Maxwell will be coming home on Saturday. Now every hour is fraught with excitement and fear, all at once. Will I be buckling seatbelts on my little guys on Saturday, or sitting at their bedside again with a heavy heart? I tried to put my faith in them having grown out of their apnea, and went tonight for a last-minute run to get supplies... baby bottles, waterproof pads, sleepers, and more diapers. Me... shopping for these things for my babies, my boys, my sons. It makes my chest tighten with emotion just to say the words "my sons."

This part of the journey is one I haven't yet shared with many outside my immediate circle... this feeling of disbelief, this sense that, without having them with me physically, they are not actually my children. It is something that I can almost not touch with words, a feeling that is vague and sad and something like instinctual, and perhaps explains some of the pain of this separation we've had for the past month. Suffice to say, I have been holding my breath for 4 weeks now, waiting for the moment when I can take my babies into a room and close the door behind us, to lie with them and really look at them, to hold them and share the knowing that we are indeed a family.

Hopefully that sacred day is less than 36 hours away. Sit with me awhile, then, if you don't mind... wait and hope with me that when I write next, it will be with my beautiful sons, home at last.

3-Week Vitals

Happy 3-Week birthday to my sweet, sweet boys!

Thanks to Grandma Dort for these cute sleepers!

Max, snuggling with mama for some kangaroo care
current weight: 5lbs, 10oz (birth weight: 3lbs, 15oz)

Shoghi seems to be trending towards taking all of his food by mouth!
Here he is without his gavage (feeding tube)
Current weight: 4lbs, 9oz (birth weight: 3lbs, 7oz)

last night

I don't often bring clothes to the hospital for the boys - the staff have warned me that leaving clothes there can lead to losing them to the hospital laundry - but birthdays are the exception. Yesterday was their 2-week birthday, so I brought along some hand knits to make the occasion special. My dear friend knittah sent these diaper covers for us while I was still on bedrest, and Korin's husband's Aunt Mary whipped up 2 matching sweater sets in preemie size after the boys were born. What could be better than babies bundled up in knits? Not much, I tell you!

Hapi Mail!

Last week, I received some very yummy mail!

First, a mother's day gift from sister... some lovely-smelling massage oil for the growing belly. I can't wait to use it! Thanks, Ri!

Then, I'd done a little splurging a week before, when I Googled "japanese baby clothes" in the hopes of finding some non-traditional baby duds for the boys, and I hit the jackpot! On page 2, I found the blog droolicious, where one of the entries introduced Westcoast Baby. I'm really tickled with the clothing; they've matched my expectations in person. I just love me some Asian style.... go figure.

wee knit kimonos for brandy-new babies.

light cotton for the 6-9mo old brothers

minkee -lined jacket

When I contacted them by email with some questions, the response was helpful and prompt. If you're ever looking for a unique and adorable baby gift, definitely check these guys out!

borrowed from an email

It's Monday, and we've got ANOTHER day of full sun on tap (temps in the 70s) and it feels blissful! Over the weekend, (Friday) Laurie, Korin and I went out for Pho and then went to see Prince Caspian, then (Saturday) Laurie, Korin, Ruby and I went to the Rhododendron Garden, ate at a brilliant restaurant called Old Wives Tale, and then went to Mt. Tabor to hang out while Ruby played, then (Sunday) Laurie and I hung out here at Steve and Maria's, went to the Hillsdale Farmer's Market, made some Persian rice for lunch, and generally sat around and recovered from Saturday. Saturday was way too much for me, and I ended up having what I finally recognize to be Braxton Hicks contractions - a lot of them. The cure: lots of water and rest (duh).

Tracy commented in her blog that her twins are more active at the movies, and for sure, Zeus and Oden kicked and squirmed their way through Prince Caspian. Oden was also grooving to the beat last night while Maria played her banjo next to me out on the patio. It's so neat to feel them reacting to the environment!

Tomorrow I'm taking Laurie out to Cannon Beach and Oswald for her birthday - this will no doubt be my last road trip before the babies come.... indeed, my last trip until they're a few months old, when we fly back East to visit friends and family in MA and PA!


Last week, I busied myself with finding some of my "necessary" baby stuff on craigslist, etc. I scored a tandem nursing pillow for $20 (usually over $50), and then last night I won an eBay auction and got my stroller - the exact one I've been wanting. I paid under $300, while the new ones go for over $800! I also did some more splurgey buying, when I found these kimono shirts. In addition, I hit 2 consignment shops, where I scored a few super cute outfits. The sad thing is, I've paid less for brand new things when I find them on clearance... Portland has an enormous number of resale shops, but boy, the prices for used seem pretty high to me! What do I know, though... I'm still barely even a novice at this stuff!

I just spent this morning unpacking, cataloging and washing baby gear. I had no idea what I had already, so I took a cue from all the Virgos in my life and started a spreadsheet! I thought I had a ton of stuff, but now that it's all divvied up between the wee sizes between newborn and 12 months, I realize I will definitely need more stuff! Fortunately Amanda (who had her twin baby girls over the weekend!) sent me a spreadsheet of recommended gear for twin tots, so I'll have that to go on, at least.


I'm glad I started on this now, actually. This week, I'll get some big ziplock storage and divide up the things I have by size, and then pack it back in the box for the next move. I've got the time and energy to get this stuff done now, so I might as well take advantage. Besides, it makes the fact that I'm soon going to have my boys in my arms all that more real, which is so very exciting, I can barely stand it.

happy feet

Almost all the babies' things are packed, but yesterday I had a delightful visit with my closest friend, who gifted me some itsy-bitsy, teeny tiny, hand knit booties for the babies. Since I've been ordered to rest between 12 and 3pm daily, and today I'm feeling rather sleepless, I thought I'd show off some of the cute footwear the babies have already been given... in reverse order.


Here are the smallest baby booties ever seen by human eyes. They're about as long as my thumb, and will no doubt be the first footwear the twins will have on their feet.


Aren't they unbelievably sweet? They were made by "knittah", my super wonderful friend, knitting maven, and keeper of the blog "Travels with Swatchy." This isn't the first handmade item in my baby collection from her - she's worked her magic on yarn for me every time I've gotten pregnant, and though those little souls didn't make it earthside, the beautiful items will soon be put to good and loving use.


My mom's also been collecting little bits for babies for some time, now, and after I got my positive pregnancy test, she sent over these little chili pepper socks, which at the time looked so tiny, but in this line-up appear to be enormous! Being such avid Boston sports fans, I'm surprised it wasn't more along the line of Red Sox, but chili peppers remind me of my brother who lives in NM, and of course my beloved time in Sichuan, China. You can't start the kids too young on the spice, apparently! So cute!!

Finally, here are the first present these babies received - and from what I recall, it was before I even knew if the cycle was going to work. My sister ordered these completely irresistible dino booties from Etsy artist Baby Cakes Collection. I've been meaning to blog about them for a while now - they're really unique and fun!

It's hard to pack these guys away - they've been sitting on what ended up being my little altar for the babies since the beginning, along with the other talismans that have held hope and meaning during those rough first months.

It's fun to celebrate all these happy little treasures... although being pregnant has already been more demanding than I anticipated, I feel like I'm firmly in the second trimester, and the time has come to be happy. What better way to start than with some happy feet?