a little shout out to you

Hi, all of you! How's it going this week? How's the new year treating you?

I wanted to take a moment out of chattering on about our little familia to say a warm and friendly hello to all of you I don't actually know! I've been watching my visitor stats, and find it so amazing to be having repeat visitors from all over the world. Not just in a "that's cool" sort of way, but in a very connected, deeply happy kind of way.

I was lying in bed last night, waiting for Max to fall asleep, thinking of all of you out there. You don't know it, maybe, but just the thought that you all check on us, wonder how the boys are doing, post comments, and simply think of us every once in a while felt to me like a cloud of goodness I was resting upon in the night.

When I was a youngster, I wanted nothing more than to travel - to know people from all over the world and have a sense of the whole planet being my home. I sought out pen pals from all over the place - France, Japan, India, Costa Rica, Canada and the US from what I can recall - and eagerly awaited their letters in the mail. I had my paper correspondence then, and later I was able to travel - to Japan, Canada, around the US, Brazil and China. Since returning to the States back in 2002, I have felt disconnected from the global community. But suddenly, through this little blog I started so my friends and family afar could see Max and Shoghi, I feel like my connection to people in other cultures, countries, and communities is growing.

So, I just wanted to say thanks. To my friends and my family, to those I've met online, and to those of you who I haven't met yet, I appreciate your interest and caring, and wanted you to know that it makes a difference in our life.

Warmly,
Celeste

Happy ThanksBirthday!

Being a late November baby as I am, my birthday always falls on Thanksgiving weekend. I wish I could find the card Laurie made for me when she was about seven years old - complete with a happy birthday girl, a turkey, and a mash-up name for a Thanksgiving birthday. I still have it somewhere... if I find it soon, I'll add it to the post.

Anyway, in spite of the stress I'm carrying around under the surface as mentioned in my last post, I do always feel like I am living my dream. The "problems" I have to solve these days are all a result of choosing this life, and despite the uncertainty and inner turmoil, I am grateful to have the opportunity to work through this all and come up with the next plan.

Thanks for Photos and for Family

Last month I told you we were going out to have a photo session and never came back to it. Well, we recently got our photos, and my friends, they do not disappoint. I can't tell you how special it is for Laurie and I to be captured playing with (read: chasing) the boys. I am filled with such deep emotion seeing the four of us together - you never know how close you will end up to your siblings, and let me tell you, I couldn't even dream up a better sister. To have her with us, to be a part of her developing career as an illustrator (can we say major new wholesale accounts??), to have someone to share the daily joys, laughter, exhaustion, and discovery of my miraculous children with... it is all a gift beyond measure. I know I go on and on about her, but really - how lucky are we? Soooooooooooooooooo lucky!!

up and down the stairs at Portland's Downtown Library
Photo by Nicole Renae

Nicole, our truly lovely friend and photographer, wrote about our session here, and has given me permission to share her photos online. If you're in Portland and want to meet both a fabulous lady and a gifted photographer, give Nicole a call. She's terrific. Here's a flickr set with some additional photos that aren't in either this post or in Nicole's.

reading is fundamental!

we thought the children's room at the library would be a great fit, given our family's culture of loving books.
Photo by Nicole Renae

Auntie and Shoghi signing "bird"
Photo by Nicole Renae

There is such an abundance of things that move me to send my deep thanks up to the heavens: my incredibly supportive parents and brother (and Whitney!), Korin and my amazing community of friends both in Portland and spread out across the country and world, this beautiful place we live... the list is continuously flowing. Thanks to you and all of this goodness from my heart and soul - 36 was a great year. May 37 (for me) bring us all light upon light, joy upon joy. Thanks for being a part of our journey.

black ops

(I'm just going to announce here that I'm attempting to participate in this November's NaBloPoMo. Not really sure if I'll succeed in putting up a blog post every day, but I'm committing myself to it now!)

I've been wanting to tell you for a while that I'm taking an online course about Dreaming Big... it's called Mondo Beyondo, and is taught by two amazing women Jen and Andrea - and I learned about Andrea in the summer issue of Artful Blogging. Way back in Week 1 of the course, we were tasked with sharing some of the affirmations we were given. I sort of sat on this assignment for a while, waiting until I felt a Calling to put one out there. Some people left them in library books on Post-It notes... others left slips of paper in cafes or on bulletin boards.

Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I knew what I was going to do - write out one of the affirmations on the driveway of my close friends and neighbors. The days went by, though... I wasn't sure which one to write. These friends have had such a challenging year - so many unforseen expenses, so many changes in course, so much bad news... I didn't want to put something there that would seem shallow.

One night, as I lay in bed waiting for Max to fall asleep, on a day of more hardship for these friends, it came to me. I came downstairs and told Laurie what I was going to do. She stayed with the sleeping boys while I gathered up the sidewalk chalk and my camera and took a nighttime stroll to their house a few blocks away.

Something Greater Is Holding You

I felt so much joy and excitement, kneeling on the driveway, leaning on the chalk to leave them a message of love in the night. I imagined Ryan finding it in the morning on his way out to work. I thought of Korin coming across it when she came out to bring her daughter to school... and it felt so GOOD to be able to do something unexpected, something lively and joyful and "unnecessary". The night air, being alone, doing something creative - it really was a great exercise in service.

This week, I bought a huge tub of sidewalk chalk. I have a feeling my days of evening graffiti writing are only just beginning...

winter pantry

In case you weren't aware, the Pacific Northwest is a place of bountiful fruit harvests. The berries (of more varieties than I can possibly name) start coming in late June, and keep going with late crops until the end of September. It's really amazing to live in such a place. I was so inspired by my friend's canning prowess that I decided this would be the year to learn.

In July, right before we left for Massachusetts, we picked 15 pounds of blueberries in about 90 minutes. Of course, the boys helped...


I was afraid we were going to miss all the action - especially peaches - while back East. One weekend right after getting back to Portland, Korin, Ryan and I headed out to a farm for marionberries. I wish we'd gotten photos - Max was on Ryan's back, and by the time we were done picking, Ryan was drenched in purpley-red berry juice. Korin graciously made jam for me, and by then I was convinced I could do it myself. Though we weren't able to pick any raspberries ourselves, I was still able to get amazing deals at our local farmer's market on flats of raspberries, marionberries, and blackberries... and then my love of preserving fruit took hold.

Picking late season blackberries on Sauvie Island.

Harvested grapes and blackberries --- from our own urban backyard! Our neighbor's grapes are draped into our yard, and wow, I had no idea how amazing fresh grapes are. Next year, we'll be making grape jam for sure!

Over the past month, I have canned and frozen an extraordinary amount of fruit for the boys. I feel so abundant and blessed to have such beautiful fruit to give them all winter long. All the fruit was local, and it feels good to know that over the winter, I can just buy local apples to give them fresh fruit, and the rest will come from my own pantry. For my first season of ever doing this, I think I kicked some serious ass! The peaches specifically were so easy and so, so delicious that I canned a TON. Don't ask me how I/we managed to do this with two toddlers under foot. It was definitely hard, and many, many afternoons I stood by the sink in the kitchen, peeling peaches while the boys whined and threatened to pull my pants off by the legs, wondering why I was making such efforts. Most of the work was done at night - their 7pm bedtime helped.

Two nights ago, we finished the exhausting work of preserving into the night, and today I stowed away all the jars in our cabinets and in the garage. Here's what we got:



Frozen
Blackberries, Blueberries, Raspberries and Marionberries:
4 gallon bags
17 quart bags
(this does not include what we've already eaten, which must be 2 gallon bags by now!)

Basil Pesto - 15 1/2 pints

Canned
Peaches
22 quarts of sliced peaches in low-sugar syrup
8 pints of low-sugar jam

Marionberry - low-sugar jam
2 quarts
7 pints

Blackberry - low-sugar jam
8 pints
1/2 pint jars - 3

Raspberry - - low-sugar jam
1 quart
3 pints
1/2 pint jars - 9

Tangerine Slices (canned by Korin!)
7 quarts

Strawberry-Raspberry low-sugar jam
2 pints

Blueberry Butter
1/2 pint jars - 7
1 pint

Barlett Pear Slices
10 quarts

Totals:
32 quarts sliced fruit
29 pint jars of jam/butter
19 half pint jars of jam/butter

"raspberry, jazzberry, razzamatazberry"

working backward and looking forward

Well, well, well. We are back in Portland, and boy do I have a lot of catching up to do! I think I'm going to work in reverse to catch you all up.


So, first of all, jet lag and one-year-olds.... SUCKS!!! When we traveled from West to East, it worked out really, really well - a very early morning and a long day of travel actually resulted in a very short adjustment time for the boys. Of course, it was also nice to have them wake up at 8am instead of 5am! Coming back, though, has been really rough. By the time we left MA, the boys were regularly waking at 6am, so that meant that in Oregon they have been really thrown off. Keeping them up until 7pm has been pretty tough, because of course their little bodies still feel like it's 10pm! Just two days after arriving in Portland, though, Max is back to sleeping only 10 hours, the stubborn little guy, meaning that he was up and ready to go at 5am today. This is my ongoing struggle - putting them to bed at 8 is just too late. I need some down time, and evenings are long and hard as it is. But the fact that I cannot get Max to sleep for more than 10 hours just kills me every day!!

I think I'll put up a seperate post about flying with twin 1-year olds. It was an adventure both going to MA and returning. VERY different than flying with them last December. As with all things baby (especially twin babies), creativity, perserverence, and a sense of humor, even if dark, came in very handy.


We had the most wonderful visit, though. Four weeks of time with my parents, Memmae and Popi, meant that they got to experience lots of our routine and many new accomplishments on the part of both boys. They really bonded with them, and I can tell that part of the difficulty for them in settling back down at home has been separation from their grandparents.

***

Getting back to Portland is fraught with meaning for me as a mama. The last month closed my first year as a mother, and also brought to an end the time I had set aside to be staying at home with the boys. Financially, I can't swing it anymore. We're losing our private health insurance this month, and I haven't been able to find the time to grow my business to the point where I'm making enough regular money. It's all ok - I have room to be flexible and deal with these changes and challenges, but it means that I am going to have to find reserves of energy, clear thought, frugality, and patience in deeper places than I have yet had to search.

the birth day mama and her boys

The next few months loom in front of me and seem to be a kind of proving ground for me as a single mother to my beautiful sons. I face the reality that I will be spending less and less time with them at a point in their development when they are learning, changing, and accomplishing new things every day. I will certainly miss many of their milestones in the moment of unfolding. I fear the sadness I will feel on days when I spend time with them only in the hardest hours of their day, and when I think of them growing more attached to other care givers, I feel both happy for their expanded world of people who love them and loss at having to share their precious daily hours with someone else.

When I was 21 and in my first marriage, I started trying to have children. Fifteen years, three relationships, countless pregnancy tests, 12 cities, three languages, a Bachelor's Degree, hours and hours of therapy, yoga, meditation, self-reflection, and a complete re-orientation of my life later, I am a mother. Everything in that list except becoming a mom seems now to just have been stepping stones - secondary to the drive and deep, consuming desire to be raising children. To say I wouldn't change a thing wouldn't be true - I don't think I have fully come to terms with all of the loss I endured over those long, heartbreaking years - but to finally be living my dream of having children is miracuous, and is the source of rivers and oceans of gratitude.

The next chapter to unfold is the one where I get to continue to co-create a family with the boys and - for now - my sister, and it's also the part where I get to dream up and realize the contribution I want to make through my career. I have just become aware of how I put aside getting clear about my vocation in my quest to be a mother - how exciting (and scary) that I can now begin to hone in on my talents, my strengths, and the unique way I can give back to this world through my work. I have walked in enough shoes, worked a great variety of jobs, and seen myself succeed in diverse situations to know that if I can just empty my mind of fear and expectation, I can and will discover my calling that is ready to emerge from within. It will be when I find that familiar excitement and joy that I will know I am on the right track.

And so we go on. I'll try in the upcoming posts to catch you up on the last month, and hope you'll share your own victories and inspirations with me as I knuckle down in the months to come. I'm glad to have this place to try to make sense of it all.

for all the years without you

Dear Shoghi and Maxwell,

The house is quiet; everyone has gone to bed. You are both sleeping peacefully, beautifully, gracefully in your beds. Your sweet hands moved, Shoghi, when I bent to cover you with your blanket, one I bought about a year before you were conceived. Maxwell, you lay there quietly when I just now spread the blue blanket I crocheted with my longing hands some four years before you were born. You are going to be ten months old this week - it's so close to a year ago that you were born into my hands and my life. I can barely contain the love I feel for you; you are both so perfect and miraculous.

I believe that there is a spiritual essence to our relationship - you my sons, I your mother. There is a place within us that connects and communicates with meaning deeper than words. I believe that, in some way, you know what paths I have traversed, what sacrifices I have offered up, what difficult and profound growth I had to achieve in order to become your mother.

For fifteen long years I tried to bring you to life. I sought you out first in the rose gardens, and then in the depths of the cold oceans - I even searched through the deserts of the world, just to catch a glimpse of your beauty and life. Sometimes I thought I had reached you, only to discover that it was just an illusion, a cruel hoax, and I was devastated by loss. Finally, in the end, I gave everything up. I opened my clenched fists, and let everything go. And it was there, in that place of detachment from all the places I had been searching, that I found you - within myself, in the deepest heart of my heart. I found you in joy.

When I am with you now, I delight in your curiosity, I soar on the waves of your laughter, I rejoice in your discoveries. Over these months that you have taken on your physical lives, I have bent and bowed to your needs with love, as mothers do, and I have healed for it.

Maxwell. Shoghi. My sons. Now I know. I know why those years were filled with such terrible longing and sorrow and search - it was the loss of being with you. You were known to my heart before you were known to my arms and eyes. You are the fruits of my joy and my heart and everything that is good and pure about who I am - you are the embodiment and the breath of life and love.

For every difficulty we face, know that the distances I traveled on my journey to our reunion were far greater. I have found that place within myself, that place of creation. We emerged from that place as a family. To say that I love you is but the most pitiful attempt to capture the glory of the sun in a drop of water.

I am, and with deep gratitude ever will remain, your mother.

before bed

I just wanted to take a moment before going to bed tonight for a little gratitude. I so appreciate all the support flowing this way right now, both from the blog and from facebook. Your comments, emails, messages and calls have really sustained me. Thank you so much for taking an interest in this little family and sending your words of encouragement.

I'm also glad to say that today was markedly easier. Tonight, Max fell asleep with me by the side of his crib, singing to him after only five minutes of lying there. He fussed for less than a minute and there was absolutely no crying, and fell asleep without anything in his mouth. I wouldn't have believed this would happen just one night after our experience yesterday.

Here are some photos taken today:

he fell asleep sucking his thumb!

Shoghi has been moved to L's room while Max takes Sleep 101

Today we celebrated spring by going to opening day of the farmer's market!
Here's Laurie carrying Shoghi in the meitai.