just one thing

as adults, there are many things we need to accomplish on any given day. as parents, that list increases exponentially, and as working-from-home parents, the number of things-to-do seems endlessly growing. because everything is at home, you never get a break like you do when leaving things at an office. when you are trying to stay afloat in this scenario and are living with Depression, it's a whole lot harder.

my own energy for concentrated attention in the few free moments i get during the day is very limited. it's like you're standing in the middle of a hurricane of noise, activity, and emotional need (produced by two toddlers), and all of a sudden everything stops and you expect yourself to get right to work. the house is in a shamble, and there are a hundred uncompleted tasks piled up everywhere, and your mind and body are still humming with movement. since i started working at home in the winter, the amount of visual, mental, and physical clutter has mounted and now has finally overwhelmed me. the boys seem to be echoing the lack of calm back to me, as in the past several days there has been a huge upswing in toy-throwing. i have taken to eliminating the toys one-by-one from our play space as they are tossed around.

this has all resulted in a decision. for the next month, i am going to drastically simplify things around here. even though it feels like a huge responsibility i am failing to uphold, i am going to put the cloth diapers away for one month. washing has become something for me to avoid, and has led to a lot of stress for me.

rather than telling myself that today i will (for example) be present for the boys, reply to emails, bake, sew, do wash, hang clothes on the line, screen print, and package and mail orders from my shops, i will force myself to do just one of the non-parenting things on my list. it's actually incredibly hard for me to work in this way - i'm much more of an impulsive do-er. i am going to have to do a major cleaning and somehow box and organize all of my in-progress projects. i have to be ready with everything i need for my artisan booth at opening day of our farmer's market on 6/13, and i actually feel fearful that by putting things away, i won't get anything done at all.

the reality is, though, that i am already in way over my head and feeling ineffective at accomplishing my tasks.

we'll see how it goes. please send your prayers and helpful energies my way - i really need some calm and support!

night time diapering

I always thought I would be a cloth diapering mama. It only made sense - I remember it well from my own childhood, it's economical, seems like it would be a lot more comfortable for baby, and of course there are the environmental benefits of not throwing away thousands of disposable diapers. Cloth has come a long way since my own childhood in the 70s. Now you can use the traditional prefolds, but you can also get cloth diapers that are as easy as a disposable in the form of pocket diapers and all-in-ones. I haven't tried too many varieties - quite early on I settled on fuzzy bunz pocket diapers. They have a semi-waterproof outer layer, making it so that you don't have to use a wool diaper cover. They're easy to use, easy to wash, and pretty inexpensive - I bought mind for less than $15.50 each, and currently I'm rotating about 30 diapers for twins. We've been using this set of diapers since about March, and all indications are that they will continue to fit for probably 10 more pounds of growth. That's just $465 for maybe a year of use!

Nights are a different story. My struggles to get the boys to sleep well at night are well-documented here - the choice to use disposables at night so I wouldn't have to do overnight changes was a no brainer. Even with using cloth all day long, I still spend about $50 a month on disposables, as we have also been using them for car outings. Sitting in the carseat for a couple of hours seems to always result in wet pants. I've been bummed about using the disposables, but felt like I had little choice unless I wanted to deal with wet clothes and extra nighttime wakings.

So, last week when I read this post from one of my favorite twin/parenting blogs, I was excited to find a cloth diapering solution that seemed to be a good option for nights. On the same day, I found the brand of cloth diaper she recommended on craigslist for a great price - only I found dream-eze's new all-in-one diaper with a PUL outer layer, which could mean not even having to use an extra layer of a wool soaker on the outside. I was really excited to pick up these gorgeous new diapers.

Upon seeing the dream-eze AIOs, I knew I was going to love them. They're trim, comfortable-looking, and as an all-in-one, I wasn't going to have to pull out a liner from a dirty diaper. We tried them that very night, and I was thrilled to have absolutely no leaks - about 60% of the time, even our disposables leak!

Sadly, that first night was our only success. Max got a terrible diaper rash for the first time, due no doubt to the detergent used by the previous owner. While his poor bottom healed, I kept him in diaposables at night, and Shoghi continued to wear the dream-eze. His sleep became very disturbed. At 10 months old, I guess he just couldn't get used to the different feeling of the cloth's wetness. He was waking every couple of hours, and for a few nights in a row, I ended up changing him into a dry diaper at about 3am.

I'm sad to say that I've given up on nighttime cloth. Maybe I didn't try for long enough. I really think that if we had been doing this from the beginning, it would have been fine, I just don't like the sense I get of making the boys get used to a different - and clearly uncomfortable - feeling in their pants. Not to mention that I don't like to be waking up to crying babies all night long.

The investment in the dream-eze diapers isn't a total loss, though not being able to use them at night was definitely disappointing. I'm now using them for car rides, with terrific success. If the boys are still in cloth when they graduate from the medium fuzzy bunz, I will be really tempted to switch to these amazing diapers.

If you're thinking about cloth, I say give it a try - it's easier than you probably think. I'm surprised to be still using it myself - when we moved from Korin's, we all figured that cloth would be the first to go, but here we are, still going strong. It's not a lot of work, and it's quite rewarding, somehow! I'd just suggest that you invest in good nighttime diapering supplies early on so that the baby(ies) gets used to it from the beginning. I wish we had!

answers and photos

thanks for the emails & comments on that last post!! they all mean so much to me. here's an attempt at responding to some:

CNH - hi Chantel! I've been watching your blog w/rapt interest!! I can't believe your LOs are scooting around already. That prayer is excerpted from a prayer here... I'm sure quoting it is fine - I forgot to source it when I posted. I'd love to read your take on it, given the differences in our situations. Thanks to Jennie for posting the link.

MKW emailed me w/ this empathetic thought: As for full-time nursing and cloth diapers... I hope you not setting the bar too high that failure, of some sort, is immanent. And you're left feeling depressed, and frazzled to the bone and defeated. I fully believe in nursing and did both boys for about 7 mos., but I also knew I was a better mom for being able to bottle/formula supplement and leave them and regroup with time out with J or friends and come back to them anew. Full-time nursing is a draining anchor. And yes, it's great for the babies, but you need to watch yourself along the way and protect your sanity, because THAT'S what will be best for the babies and you. You will be close and loved by them because of who you are, how much you wanted them in your life and how much you love them everyday, they'll never measure your love by whether or not you used disposable diapers, bottles, or breastfed them every meal. Choose your battles... and in this case how much you're weighing down an already very demanding daily job of love.

I wanted to share this with you all because this is something I think and talk about often. And I agree with what you wrote, M.

I am using cloth diapers part time - mostly during the day. I think w/ the next size of diapers, I'll be able to use them at night, too, but really, I don't push myself on this subject. Right now, K is doing virtually all of our laundry, and I just don't know how it will be when I'm doing it myself. I plan to do it as I can and won't worry about it when I can't. I'll be using prefolds during the day only, and fuzzybuns as much as possible, for those who are interested in knowing. ;o)

As far as breastfeeding goes, I persevere because I can, and because I simply want to. I want that relationship with them both. I want that nutrition and all those benefits for them... but don't think that I am going to play hardball w/this either. Anyone who knows me will know that I'm just not an all-or-nothing person, sometimes to a fault. In this case it just means that I'm going to continue to perservere and see how close to exclusive I can get in nursing. I'd like to know that my supply is sufficient to feed them both, but given the demands of twins, I'm pretty sure that I'll always be ok with offering the occasional bottle. And if I get to a point where I feel like my supply is good enough without being 100%, I'm ok with that too. I just feel like, for now, I'm on the path, and I'm ok with this being a process.

A while ago, Megan asked me in comments about the amount of supplement I am giving the boys. I responded there, but I wonder if she checked in. I just wanted to make sure that you know your question wasn't ignored. This week, I think I'm down to about 22oz a day, combined. Still a long way to go.

Finally, thx to Maylily for the email & all you others who send love & encouragement... Your words make this easier.

Here, some new pix - all by Amy - & a video of Shoghi finally having some happy time: