we get by with a little help

My experience of infertility over the course of 15 years and two marriages is no secret. I started posting on mothering.com/discussions in the ttc (trying to conceive) forums way back in early 2004, and found there a community of amazing women seeking to fulfill their dreams of family. Many of them ended up falling into the range of "normal" - conceiving within a year of beginning to try. Many others ended up taking paths that required a great deal of sacrifice, laying their bodies and finances and emotions on the line for months and years on end. Most of us have ended up with at least one child, while some found that they began to resonate more with life without children or simply had to move on from the very draining process of long-term ttc.

The best part of the story of those days of connecting with the "mdc" mamas is that it resulted in some tremendous friendships. Some people have found these incredible connections through the blogging world, and certainly it was because of my participation there that I began blogging back in 2004. Five years later, the core group of women who found ourselves supporting, celebrating, grieving and waiting with each other is still connected. I see comments here from several old friends that I don't otherwise connect with, I get to follow the blogs of some others, and a handful of these special friends remain people I consider the inner circle of the people in my life. I find constant amazement in the fact that in this online world that would at first pass seem rather annonymous, I have gained some of the best friends of my life.

One of these friends is mentioned here often. I connected with Korin at the very end of her IVF cycle back in those early days on mdc. She became mercifully pregnant with a child who has added sparkle and wonder to our lives for the past three years. Ruby is as much an older sister the boys will likely ever have, and they adore her.

Korin and Ruby

As you know, Korin is the friend who, when I said I was considering leaving my marriage and pursuing getting pregnant on my own said: "Do it. Move out here to Oregon, stay with me and my family, and live the life you are longing for." She is the kind of person who does this, who makes tremendous sacrifice and gives wholly of herself for her friends, on a regular basis. She, Ryan, and Ruby not only shared their home with me while I was pregnant, they sheltered me and my twins for months after their birth, opening a space for us to become a family. The ways and extent of her support is truly indescribable.

Korin, me, and Laurie, in the moments before my c-section.
Korin was the person who sat by my head for the entire surgery, coaching me, crying with me, and sharing the moment of my children's births along with my sister.

Korin doing kangaroo care in the NICU with Shoghi.

Korin and Ryan have been trying for another child for about six months. You can read about that journey on Korin's blog here. Right now the important point is that they are at a point where they have had to decide to do another fresh IVF cycle, a costly, invasive, emotionally and physically intense series of procedures that we all pray will result in another child (or two!). I am happy and humbled to say that another online friend has started a fundraiser, with the hopes of raising the majority of the money this amazing couple will need to pursue adding another child to their family.

If you are a knitter, or need a fabulous gift for a knitter friend, please consider joining us in supporting Korin and her family. Lousli is conducting a raffle with fabulous prizes, including several sets of my sister Laurie's knit kitty hand-printed cards. Lousli's etsy shop is also donating all profits this month to the cause.

hand-dyed yarn from Lesley's shop

knit kitty cards

The greatest good of this blogging community is our ability to make connections and support each other in an increasingly fast and disconnected world. I hope you'll help me pay it forward and join in. Just think, you could be a part of creation, part of the fulfillment of a dream. Every time that future baby smiles, you will have been a part of a sacred moment.

the big to-do!

Hi! Boy, it's been a busy week. We've been struggling a little bit (ok, a lot) with sleep again, my sister's hours at work picked up and she was featured in the "cool stuff" section on knitty, and I taught my last class in the series "Marketing Your Micro-Business" I've been offering to a pilot group of women entrepreneurs, and bought my return tickets for our trip to MA in July/August. Here are some of the things on my mind that I hope to share with you soon (and record for us!):

• nighttime cloth experiment
• fundraiser
• working mama transition
• new baby favorites
• crafty endeavors
• sleep/napping progress

Today we've got a chorsey line-up: when the boys are both up from their naps, we're heading into the city to pick up Auntie, then doing groceries. After that, we plan to come home, cook up a batch of riboletta soup, perhaps roast a chicken, and make some baby food. The boys are starting to eat actual finger foods, which is really keeping me on my toes. It was so easy for a while, just opening a jar of this or that. Now I've really got to think strategically about our meals, and give the boys some time to make big messes (sigh) and have fun learning the next stage of eating. It's so much fun to watch them, and they seem to be fascinated by all sorts of foods. Chicken, broccoli, and canteloupe are this week's favorites.

playing in the pool

New and as yet uncaptured achievements: Max is waving "hi" and starting to sign and say "more;" Shoghi is standing and cruising around his crib, and starting to stand with one hand on the exersaucer; Max continues to improve his crawling skills (and even though he's just "creeping," he gets around very fast!); Shoghi has learned how to clap; and they boys are playfuilly interacting with each other more and more. The days are full of adorable baby-ness, and there is less Maxy-whining now that he can move himself around. Awesome!

where'd those curls come from? mama!!

laurie with max at cannon beach

for all the years without you

Dear Shoghi and Maxwell,

The house is quiet; everyone has gone to bed. You are both sleeping peacefully, beautifully, gracefully in your beds. Your sweet hands moved, Shoghi, when I bent to cover you with your blanket, one I bought about a year before you were conceived. Maxwell, you lay there quietly when I just now spread the blue blanket I crocheted with my longing hands some four years before you were born. You are going to be ten months old this week - it's so close to a year ago that you were born into my hands and my life. I can barely contain the love I feel for you; you are both so perfect and miraculous.

I believe that there is a spiritual essence to our relationship - you my sons, I your mother. There is a place within us that connects and communicates with meaning deeper than words. I believe that, in some way, you know what paths I have traversed, what sacrifices I have offered up, what difficult and profound growth I had to achieve in order to become your mother.

For fifteen long years I tried to bring you to life. I sought you out first in the rose gardens, and then in the depths of the cold oceans - I even searched through the deserts of the world, just to catch a glimpse of your beauty and life. Sometimes I thought I had reached you, only to discover that it was just an illusion, a cruel hoax, and I was devastated by loss. Finally, in the end, I gave everything up. I opened my clenched fists, and let everything go. And it was there, in that place of detachment from all the places I had been searching, that I found you - within myself, in the deepest heart of my heart. I found you in joy.

When I am with you now, I delight in your curiosity, I soar on the waves of your laughter, I rejoice in your discoveries. Over these months that you have taken on your physical lives, I have bent and bowed to your needs with love, as mothers do, and I have healed for it.

Maxwell. Shoghi. My sons. Now I know. I know why those years were filled with such terrible longing and sorrow and search - it was the loss of being with you. You were known to my heart before you were known to my arms and eyes. You are the fruits of my joy and my heart and everything that is good and pure about who I am - you are the embodiment and the breath of life and love.

For every difficulty we face, know that the distances I traveled on my journey to our reunion were far greater. I have found that place within myself, that place of creation. We emerged from that place as a family. To say that I love you is but the most pitiful attempt to capture the glory of the sun in a drop of water.

I am, and with deep gratitude ever will remain, your mother.

steady as he goes

Shoghi's still in the same phase of pulling up on select items - particularly the exersaucers and the toy hamper. He's really into climbing into the bouncy chair and making something of an amusement park ride out of it - I'll have to try to get it on video before he gets so strong that I have to put the chair away!

Max is getting stronger in his crawling every day, which has significantly decreased the amount of whining he's doing. I'm very grateful for that!

I haven't been very inspired about posts lately! What do you want to know about our little lives right now? Got a question or topic in mind? Let me know about it in comments and I'll use the ideas for up-coming posts.

Thanks!

finally, the winner!

I guess I should know by now that my blog promises will be hard to keep... We had a little contest a while back, and I'm just now announcing the winner!



All of your entries made us laugh - thank you for joining in the fun! I have a little giftie for all of you dear ones who participated, but the grand prize of some Stumptown Coffee goes to Knittah, for her entry:

M: Gee Shog, whaddya wanna do tonight?
S: Same thing we do every night, Max. Try to take over the world.

I'll be sending out your coffee this week, and will email the rest of y'all for your addresses. I have lost my address book, so I'll need to get em from you!


Thanks again - that was fun! As things get easier around here, I'm sure we'll be having more blog fun to share.

best foot (or hand) forward

Max has started crawling! Well, actually, he's scooting forward, but what progress! These kids are so different in their acquisition of skills, and it makes things very interesting. I love watching them each unfold in his own way. I posted about Shoghi crawling way back in March! But, of course, Max has been busy developing his linguistic talents, while Shoghi is just beginning to experiment with new consonant sounds.


Anyway, without further ado, here's Max. Korin let us borrow a play tunnel, and as I suspected, my fort-loving son used this as the setting for his first crawl:

random sampling

Here are a few random photos from this month that I don't think I've posted yet...

Max giving Shoghi a raspberry "kiss".

We've taken to hanging out with Ruby and Korin in the afternoons... fun abounds!
The boys will keep these bandanas on while they take off a hat the moment it hits their head.

Thanks to Joi for these blocks!
Max loves to take things out of them, and of course knock them over.

funny raspberry face Shoghi.

On Sunday, it looked like it was going to be another bad napping day. Rather than just drive around town, I suggested we high-tail it to the beach. Laurie and I packed up the boys and headed West to Cannon Beach and Ecola State Park for a really, really lovely day. The twins got their first taste (literally) of the beach, and we all had a blast. Oh, and there was a LOT of napping.

waking up from a nap in the ergo.

max sleeping in the meitai on laurie

shoghi loved the sand and didn't eat it....

max loved eating the sand.
For those who have known me a long time, please note the shirt....