this week last year

m and s
photo by Laurie

I was wondering last night what was on my mind a year ago, and serendipitously came across this letter to the boys I wrote a year ago today. It reflects thoughts I still have about my sons, about my life. In the past couple of months, I have thought a lot about my long journey of healing from childhood trauma, beginnings of marriage, the drive to become a mother, and the dissolution of marriage (etc etc)... and how amazing it is that now I can have moments of wonder and peace about my long years of separation, search and longing for the thing I desired most.

I am reminded of this Sufi tale, recorded in the little book The Seven Valleys and The Four Valleys. It is about the importance of the act of the search for our heart's desire, and while in this context it is finding God, my heart's desire was always to be a mother. I think my children are key to my own spiritual journey in life, and they have always been in that timeless way of the soul.

The Valley of Search

The steed of this Valley is patience; without patience the wayfarer on this journey will reach nowhere and attain no goal. Nor should he ever be downhearted; if he strive for a hundred thousand years and yet fail to behold the beauty of the Friend, he should not falter.... No bond shall hold them back, and no counsel shall deter them.

It is incumbent on these servants that they cleanse the heart—which is the wellspring of divine treasures—from every marking, and that they turn away from imitation, which is following the traces of their forefathers and sires, and shut the door of friendliness and enmity upon all the people of the earth.

One must judge of search by the standard of the Majnún of Love. It is related that one day they came upon Majnún sifting the dust, and his tears flowing down. They said, "What doest thou?" He said, "I seek for Laylí." They cried, "Alas for thee! Laylí is of pure spirit, and thou seekest her in the dust!" He said, "I seek her everywhere; haply somewhere I shall find her."

Yea, although to the wise it be shameful to seek the Lord of Lords in the dust, yet this betokeneth intense ardor in searching. "Whoso seeketh out a thing with zeal shall find it."