dead mall

People often say to me "I don't know how you do it." I'm sure most of the time, it's meant as a kind of compliment, or as a form of support. Sometimes it touches a nerve, though, as if I am up against some kind of impossible task -- this version of hearing is more of a reflection of my own self-frustration at not doing better at coordinating our daily life. It shouldn't seem so daunting to take care of two kids. I shouldn't be so lazy, tired, or whatever other self-defeating word comes to mind.

The fact is, just like most of the parents I know, I'm making it up as I go. I have a lot of good moments, though sometimes the bad moments seem much louder. I have routines that have worked for several months, and new possible additions several times a week. Toddlers have their own timelines for development, and what might work for one of my twins might not work for the other.

Although it's been a mild winter here in Portland, it's been nearly impossible for me to bring the boys outside to play more than twice in the past 3 or 4 weeks. They still resort to crawling when they're in a new environment, and all the rain has just made it too wet and cold for them to get that wet. Besides, they both have colds.

We all get a little stir crazy at home, but with all the school kids on vacation, I haven't felt comfortable taking them to the science museum's discovery room or the play area at the big mall. Being by myself, I just spend all my time corralling the boys, and that's really no fun for any of us.

Last week in a moment of desperation, I loaded us up and went to our closest mall where our Target is located. We almost never venture outside Target, the mall is just a vast, dark, one-story ghost land. When you google this particular defunct shopping center, deadmalls.com is one of the first entries.

Imagine my happiness, then, to realize that this is the perfect location for the boys to blow off some steam. We park the stroller at the tiny play area, but I let the boys run around. When other people are around, they don't seem to mind the squeals and squeaky shoes - they ask questions about twins and tolerate the boys with a smile.

Here's Shoghi at the entrance of the weird Asian-style portrait studio shopfront. His newest word is "flower."




At this mall, I can let the boys run around in the halls in opposite directions. It's great to be able to let them have such a wide berth.

Max, so confident on his legs now, walks towards the door to Home Depot.

resolution

I've never been much of a resolutions person. As a teen and young adult when these kinds of rituals get established, I suppose, I felt more like I was straddling two calendars. As a young Baha'i, I saved my heart for Naw-Ruz on March 21st... it always felt like a better time for resolutions, being the first of spring. Without a real sense of greater community and culture behind it, though, my dedication to marking the beginning of a year began to fade, especially as I became more and more enmeshed in Chinese culture and began celebrating yet another new year on the lunar Spring Festival. For several years, I've also been using the renewing energy of the Aries new moon to launch my true resolutions and focus on what I wish to come to pass in the form of a treasure map (or vision board). I love this ritual and plan to revive it this year!

Now that I have kids, and maybe more importantly now that I am trying to regain my sanity after a year plus of being a mom of twins, marking the new year with some kind of a plan seems refreshingly appropriate. I feel like it's a time to a least set one big intention and imagine what I want to be saying on New Year's Eve a year from now.

My wish for myself, and my resolution for the year to come is to find my Voice again. For so long my life was ruled by the deep and all-consuming desire to be a mother - that was the voice I most identified with. I knew what my goal was, and now I have these two beautiful children.

Now for many months I have been struggling to find what's next. I'm so busy and generally overwhelmed, I haven't been able to really hear what I even want. Do I want to continue staying home full time? Do I want to pour myself into making Bamboo Village Press a business that sustains us financially? Do I want another child? Do I want to stay in Portland with my chosen community, or does my constant guilt over not being close to the elders in my family need to be acted upon? By the end of the year, I would love to know the whispers of my deepest heart on these matters, and allow them to emerge as clear, joyful intention.

Often when I think of blogging, I feel full of complaints. I want to vent and moan about how hard this is, about how I have no idea how to keep going, about how lost I feel. I don't want to be that voice, though, which is why I often remain silent. I don't want to be mistaken for someone who is not living on a strong foundation of abiding gratitude. I don't want my friends and family to interpret my frustrations and think that their abundant support isn't already enough. Half the time I go to post an update on Facebook, I end up deleting it for fear that all I do there is give voice to my discontent.

Last night, I decided that I do have a positive story to tell - one that is genuine and perhaps even helpful. I've decided to focus for a while on our daily strategies - I think this will help me to acknowledge the things that are working as I try to continually provide an interesting, fun place for the boys to learn and grow, as well as the things I do for myself to engage my voice, creativity, and sisu! It should help to ground me in our daily successes, rather than give in to the feeling of exhausted defeat I often feel. I'm even hoping to interview some other toddler moms and mama entrepreneurs to learn their tips and tricks. I hope by the end of the year, this will have unfolded into a story of successfully learning to guide the boys and myself into the next phase of living!

Happy New Year to all of you - thank you for continuing to ride along with me on this crazy journey!

Finnish Pulla

I love baking bread. Activating the yeast, preparing the warm dough, and kneading it until it's just the right sort of springy, firm consistency... it's an act that grounds me in food-making as I engage muscles and grit to put it together. I don't think there's any cooking I do that I enjoy so much.

Two days ago, I baked some Finnish Pulla for the first time since I was pregnant. This is my favorite bread recipe - it brings my grandma into my kitchen with me every time I make it, and it's always a crowd pleaser. When I got a text message on Tuesday announcing the homebirth of my Finnish friend's baby (and the boys' nanny for over a year), I immediately opened to my hand-written recipe and started in on the dough. It took about 12 hours for me to finish the whole process - the reality of making it with two toddlers under foot was pretty much as chaotic as I expected, but with three of my friends giving birth to babies in the past month, and two of them Finnish, I was determined to get it done. Sadly, one of these friends is in China right now, but the other two families got fresh sweet cardamom bread yesterday. It was a joy to put it into their hands! Here's the recipe:

Cardamom Bread - Finnish Pulla

1 package dry active yeast
1/4 cup warm water
1 cup scalded milk
1/2 cup sugar
2 beaten eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cardamom
1/4 teaspoon mace or nutmeg
2 teaspoons salt
1/2 cup soft butter
5 1/2 - 6 cups of flour (use white, spelt, or a combination of whole wheat and white)

Soften yeast in water with a teaspoon of sugar.

Combine milk, salt, sugar, and butter in a large mixing bowl. Cool to lukewarm and stir in 2c flour. Add eggs and beat well. Stir in yeast, mace, cardamom, and remaining flour until dough forms. Turn onto a floured surface and knead for 8-10 minutes, until a springy, firm dough forms. It will still be slightly sticky - this will lessen as the dough rises.

Clean out and oil bowl, then set dough in bowl. Oil or butter the top of the dough if desired, and cover with a damp towel. Allow dough to double in size, then punch down. Divide dough into two balls, cover and rest for 10 minutes. Divide one ball into thirds, and roll each into a strand about 12-15" long. Pinch top ends together and braid, pinching bottom ends and folding under loaf. Allow to rise to double size, then bake 20-25 minutes at 350 degrees, until top is golden brown. Brush butter on hot bread and allow to cool before slicing.

Perfect with hot coffee or toasted with butter and jam.

Some people like to frost this bread with a confectioner's sugar glaze, while others brush on an egg wash before baking. I prefer it without these, myself.

My next bread is going to be challah, I think. I would really love to be baking bread weekly, but we'll see how that goes. Do you have a favorite bread recipe you'd like to share?

Enjoy, and Happy Holidasys!

a month in photos

Well, here I am, so many weeks since a post, and all I'm going to do is show you some photos. How lame! But really, it's been so incredibly busy, I just haven't had any time. Within a couple of weeks, I hope to have a new childcare situation for the boys a few days a week, and maybe that will give me time during the day to get so much done that at night I can go back to writing our little story.

It's amazing to me that December isn't over and yet so much has happened in these three weeks of the month! I now have two walking boys on my hands, and I couldn't be happier about it. I love to see them picking up strength and speed on their little legs. We've got more words, more signing, more tantrums, more picky eating... in short, all the things you'd expect from two vibrant, healthy toddlers. I love these guys so much, and I am so lucky to have them. So here you go - a link to my December photo set - just click the photo. Enjoy!!

the bright side of these brothers

Hey, so I'm really ok... I just have to blow off a little steam every now and then! Yes, the sleep thing does really get to me, but if you know me in person, you know that I have a tendency to stress out a little too easily, so no worries.

As the boys get older, it's so awesome to see these little glimmers emerging of their relationship as brothers. They play peek-a-boo several times a day, and belly button tickling is an endless source of brother giggles. They chase each other down the hall, play imitation games at meals, and make each other laugh with their antics.

see this? it's my BELLY!

Belly? That's cool, but wait... PEEK-A-BOOOOOOO!!!

Equally present and increasingly problematic is the inevitable sibling rivalry... or maybe it's not rivalry yet, but it's more the fact that they're not problem solvers in time yet. When one sees something the other one is playing with, he becomes fascinated and wants to take it immediately, despite the fact that the same toy might be sitting beside him. It's a source of a lot of crying, hair pulling, pushing and biting. I'm dealing with it in stride, I think... our worst biting problem is not from these situations of frustration but either tiredness or affection. Shoghi's expression in the form of locking his jaws on people has been going on for 6 months now, and I really haven't yet found a working strategy for handling it.

So, anyway, in and around the things that challenge me, there are the bright, lovely times that remind me that pulling out all my reserves (every day!) is worth it, and that I am on the path I love, even when it's hard. I am so lucky to be a mama, and even more so to get to be mama to these two amazing boys. I love them so much!

all belly buttons, all the time

not so fast

i finally gave in and let m have a second nap at 3:30 after his 20-minute nap from 11:30-11:50.

Well, I don't know about this one nap thing. The boys are clearly not ready for it. I'd show you the pictures and video I took during our extremely LONG and WHINY day yesterday, but the tears and snot would probably gross you out, and the whining in the video might just split your eardrums. I'd probably lose my entire readership in one post.

too tired to even eat lunch at 11am, we resorted to bottles with some rice cereal added to fill up hungry, sleepy tummies.

So, yeah. Today we're back to two naps. The little guys were so exhausted from the change, which was expressed by Max in his verbal/emotional way (i.e. lots of crying and whining) and by Shoghi in his physical/kinetic way (i.e. lots of biting). I guess for now I'm just going to have to find a peaceful place in my heart about not having any time by myself during the day. I think it must be in there, but it's very, very small. I need time alone - I needed it before having children, and even more so now that I'm using every neural connection to try to succeed at finding my way in this phase of my life. In short order, I'm going to have to get brave and accept some of the childcare help that's been offered... if you and I are friends on facebook, you no doubt know what I mean, since most of my chatter about this subject gets directed there.

What that means is that Bamboo Village is taking over the downstairs. All kinds of things find their way into the boys' hands. Prototypes of new designs for the spring are lying in various states of production, and all flat surfaces seem to be gathering more and more layers of items to be packed, made into final products, photographed or put away. It's kind of crazy, but with the boys at my feet all day, what else can I do?

a ruler's not dangerous, right?
that was yesterday... just look at those tired eyes!

max today with his smart new haircut - behind him you can see one of my double happiness fish towels

Today I had to take the boys to get yet another haircut. All the food in the long hair is pretty gross. Turns out, today is exactly a month since their first haircuts. Max's hair is so thin, it probably won't need a trim for a while, but I had them cut Shoghi's hair extra short, since it grows so very fast.

To be honest, even though S looks adorable with his new do, I'm not so crazy about this truly boyish style. It just seems so tough somehow... too hard? Too mature? I don't know... for some reason, it brought forward a lot of thoughts and fears about having a rough and tumble boy... I am having such a hard time teaching Shoghi to be gentle - Max currently has three nasty bruises from Shoghi biting him. It'll grow on me, I know... there was just a little shock seeing him look so different today!

down to one

Hey, thanks for all the birthday wishes! It was such a lovely day, and your kind words went straight to my heart!

It's been such a hectic time here. Napping has been way off for both the little fellas, with Max showing clear signs that he just won't sleep for more than a combined 11-12 hours per 24 hours. My ability to get stuff done for Bamboo Village was seriously diminished by having many days in a row of absolutely no alone time as the boys were snoozing at different times, not to mention being able to achieve the basics of, oh, you know... minor things like washing diapers or cooking meals.

Finally I decided three days ago that it's time to switch from two naps a day to one... or at least try it and see what happens. It's unfortunate for little Shoghurt, or "sho-du" as Max calls him -- he's a very happy sleeper, and adores his morning and afternoon nods.


So far, it's going fairly well. Max still hasn't had a day of napping for more than 90 minutes, and is still waking up between 5 and 6am, much to my dismay. Today we made morning stops at two friend's homes, and by 11am when we got home for lunch, Shoghi just couldn't make it a second longer. Laurie and I laughed hysterical but sympathetic bursts while the little fella struggled to keep his eyes open... we tried jiggling him, feeding him, standing him up on his feet, but his eyes kept rolling, and finally he dropped off to dreamland while I was changing his diaper. It was so pathetically funny. I was very bummed that my camera was without batteries! It was super sweet.


So, now that our visits with family and friends are over until my parents come in February (we can hardly wait!), I'm trying to get the house back in order, pack some things for our upcoming move, keep these active boys entertained, and tend to my lovely Bamboo Village. I even managed to post over there today about some of the creative projects in the works, as well as some brief words on the challenges of doing this with the boys under foot.